His OW (not me or his wife)

[Shoestring]

I'm 47 divorced 2 kids, he 54 married 30 years 2 kids. We work together and have been having an affair since October last year. Couldn't get enough of each other and both admitted we were addicted to each other.

 

Enter OW (Jaws) 50 years old, never married, but in 12 year relationship and no kids. She is my supervisor (or was as I have asked for transfer out of my job). I always suspected some kind of connection between MM and Jaws. MM and I were planning our first full night together when friend of Jaws sees a personal and sexy email to me and promptly forwards it to Jaws. Boy does the sh*t hit the fan. She went home crying and then goes to see him demanding to know what his relationship is with me. He tells her we are close work friends and that it was really none of her business and seems to convince her. She lays the guilt trip on him by saying "I feel sorry for your wife". He tells me this a few days later and calls off our affair telling me that if Jaws got this upset over finding this email and makes him feel this guilty, then how would his wife take it(?) and he couldn't look his son in the eye for the shame. I said that Jaws had no right to lay the guilt on him, and what about Jaws' partner???

 

I accepted end of affair because he said right at the start that he wouldn't leave his wife. Told him it was a great six months and we did things neither of us had done before. I don't go to him begging and crying , but accept it. I figure one desparate woman is enough to deal with so just lie low.

 

Next thing I know, he is with Jaws all the time - long phone conversations, long meetings well into the night in her office, mobile phone calls, lunch, giggling. Enough to make me want to throw-up. This all from a woman who told him that she felt sorry for his wife (WTF??). MM has badmouthed Jaws to me many times - mutton dressed as lamb, too much make-up, bad hairstyle, etc. This all happened in one week of us breaking up.

 

What I want your opinions on is:-

 

Has she bullied him into going to her and dropping me like a hot potato? Can she get any satisfaction knowing he is with her because of that reason, or is it a power play over me? Do you think she might be blackmailing him by threatening to tell his wife, and how hypocritical is she if she is carrying on with him - what about his wife now? I seriously think she is narcissistic. She is threatened by me because I am slightly younger, better looking and got a great figure.

 

Why would he bad-mouth her to me unless to make me feel better while covering his tracks? I don't really care what he thinks of her, but do you think he is trying to keep options open?

 

I think he is weak, and trying to keep her happy so she doesn't do any damage to him. Do you think that once he has smoothed things over with her, he might come around to me trying to get back on side, because things with us finished so suddenly. I will not go back because of her hold over him.

 

Needless to say, I feel foolish and hurt, but certainly not devastated. I am glad I am out of it, but would appreciate your wisdom and comments. Thanks

[Sami_D]

Has she bullied him into going to her and dropping me like a hot potato? Can she get any satisfaction knowing he is with her because of that reason, or is it a power play over me? Do you think she might be blackmailing him by threatening to tell his wife, and how hypocritical is she if she is carrying on with him - what about his wife now? I seriously think she is narcissistic. She is threatened by me because I am slightly younger, better looking and got a great figure.

 

Why would he bad-mouth her to me unless to make me feel better while covering his tracks? I don't really care what he thinks of her, but do you think he is trying to keep options open?

 

Hmm. Well, no, I don't think she's blackmailed him into a R with her.

 

I think you need to step back a bit and look at the facts again, because there might be a different interpretation. What I'm going to offer is a suggestion... of course I don't know what he's up to exactly, but it's not what you're suggesting here.

 

First off, she didn't have an email forwarded to her by a friend, and burst into tears just out of the blue. My guess is there was more than 'a connection' between this OW and MM. I think he probably had two OW at that time.

 

Then, you only have HIS word for the content of their conversations. Also, you can see that on the one hand he's telling you how awful she is, but is quite happy to spend his time with her giggling. And again... he was overcome by 'guilt' when he ended it with you, and now he's quite happy to have a R with her. Seems to me he's feeding you (probably everyone) a lot of BS.

 

It's very easy to blame the other women (W, OW, or OOW in this case) for events... but I think in this case, like so many others... it's the MM who is manipulating events so he can get what he wants.

[Shoestring]

Thanx Sami D - when you think about it, what a wonderful situation for a MM to have two women at your call, and a security net of a wife at home to run to when things get too hot to handle. Quite frankly, I look at the whole situation and it screams "RUN as fast as you can" which is what I intend to do. Ironically, Jaws may think she is the winner, but look at the prize. I can step away and not take the whole situation too seriously, but Jaws sounds like she is in very deep (excuse the pun).

 

I appreciate your comments.

[lindya]

I think for some people, sexual relationships with colleagues serves a twofold purpose. It makes the working day more exciting, and it gives them a sense of power with regard to the politics that are present in every workplace. This situation has crossed the line into potentially damaging for all concerned. You made a mistake getting involved with this guy, but you seem to have learned from it and now you just need to put all your efforts and focus into making a fresh start at work.

 

As to the guy: 54 years old? Already been involved with two colleagues (that you know of)? My warning bells are ringing. Men who have sexual harassment complaints brought out against them do quite often have a history of consensual sexual involvement with colleagues. Somewhere along the line they maybe became complacent, fell prey to the belief that every attractive woman in the workplace would fancy a dalliance with them - and allowed their egos to blind them to any messages suggesting otherwise.

 

Give it a year or two, and an embittered Jaws might well be spending a good bit of her working day whispering words of encouragement into the ear of a pretty young female colleague who sees this man as a lecherous old menace. Various things you've said conjure up the image of a weak-minded, egotistical idiot who might find himself on the end of a sexual harassment complaint sooner or later. You might still be a little too emotionally attached to him to see that cold, legalistic aspect of this situation right now....but you certainly don't want to be embroiled if and when it happens.

 

He's handed you a window of opportunity to distance yourself from him and whatever messy situation he's blundering towards - so grab it with both hands. All the best for your transfer. I hope you get it soon.

[lovernotafighter]

yeah he is just playing games..and as Sami said..she didn't cry for no reason and it sure wasn't tears over a woman she has never met in her life and also as a supervisor she would act a little more professional if there wasn't anything going on.

 

my MM is a supervisor as well..and I first hand of coarse have seen the difference of how he reacts with me verses everyone else.

 

for instance he'll listen to my drama in life for 45mins with much empathy...but last week another employee told him he wanted to kill him self and he cut him off told him he isn't a trained therapist and sent him HR. which was the proper thing to do.

 

she most likely would have issued a memo or such about work place relationships or something to the effect rather than cry crocodile tears.

 

I don't know if I'd leave just because I'd want to watch this little drama unfold..but seeing as your public enemy number one to a supervisors eyes..it's probably for the best.

 

good luck

[whichwayisup]

I would honestly write this all down. If she is your supervisor, that means she has some power...Like if she wants you GONE from work, she'll make it happen ... Slowly. She'll look for the smallest mistakes to write you up and then keep on writing you up until she has enough to get rid of you.

 

Forget him. Don't even waste a second thinking about him! He isn't worth it.

[Shoestring]

Whichwayisup - I recognised the potential damage that could be done by a vulnerable and threatened supervisor which is why I went above her head to her supervisor to ask for the transfer. I never told Jaws' supervisor why I wanted out other than I needed a new enrivonment which was accepted. I am moving completely away from her and him so neither has any power over me. As the old saying goes "Hell has no fury like a scorned woman" and I know I am enemy number one.

 

If I play my cards right, I can get out of this situation in tact, and attention will inevitably be focussed on the two of them, and they will be responsible for their own downfall.

[movinon05]

Whichwayisup - I recognised the potential damage that could be done by a vulnerable and threatened supervisor which is why I went above her head to her supervisor to ask for the transfer. I never told Jaws' supervisor why I wanted out other than I needed a new enrivonment which was accepted. I am moving completely away from her and him so neither has any power over me. As the old saying goes "Hell has no fury like a scorned woman" and I know I am enemy number one.

 

If I play my cards right, I can get out of this situation in tact, and attention will inevitably be focussed on the two of them, and they will be responsible for their own downfall.

 

Good for you! Let them sink their own ship. They're obviously not very discreet. You'll feel much better being away from this situation and watching them go down. He obviously wasn't everything you thought he was and has shown his true colors. Be glad to be out of it and move on. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with his slimy actions.

[Shoestring]

Update:

 

Tuesday, MM comes to see me in my office and suggests we get back together when the school holidays are over (me thinks he is wanting booty call as he knows what he is missing). I sit and listen and make no comment. He waits for me to lock up my office and we walk down the corridor together back to his office. Jaws seems very happy on Tuesday after Easter. Wed/Thurs she seems a lot quieter. I don't think about it one way or the other.

 

He calls in everyday to see me and say hello. I take it all at face value (I still have to work with him and Jaws). I start to question myself as to whether I have read too much into it. I have confided in two women and two men. The women agree with me and think they are having an affair. One male tends to think so but isn't sure and the other said he is still waiting to see evidence of it himself. I am fine with that. I am too close to the whole situation so I decide to sit back. Yes they are friends, good friends and may be that is all.

 

The first male who thinks they might be having an affair tells me tonight that Wed night MM walks Jaws to her car quite late. He then tells me that he walks in on them in her office late last night again (Thurs night), and then sees them walking to her car again. Now I am not stupid, but he never walked me to my car. Now I think - surely they would not be that stupid if they were having an affair to potentially have so many people see them walking to her car (the first male says MM looked guilty?? - of what). We were so careful when we were having our affair that it was only the stupid email that caught us out.

 

After the events of the last 2 weeks, I am happy to say that I am glad I am out of the whole situation, cos the way they are acting certainly doesn't sound like 'just friends'. In his only defence, I know he has walked other women to their cars (these were not attractive young women either).

 

Anyhow, Jaws has now gone on 4 weeks leave, and it will be very interesting to see what he gets up to now. He called around to see me this afternoon and have a chat, but it only a quick chat as I was walking out as he was coming to see me.

 

The good thing about removing myself out of the picture is that I am keen to see what happens, but I have to admit I am still raw with the treatment from Jaws and to a lesser extent him, so stay tuned.

 

Thanks for listening to my soap opera.

[SoleMate]

Interesting situation, and I have to congratulate you on recognizing it for what it is and getting out before you incurred too much damage.

 

BTW - to me, it is 99.9% certain that Jaws and MM are having an affair. Based on the facts as given, who could doubt it? If they weren't, the intercepted email would only have made her snicker, not cry. And the "I feel sorry for your wife" comment? Only a scorned woman would make that kind of statement.

[movinon05]

This guy is smarmy. I don't understand why he has to come visit you everyday to say hello and rub your face in it. Its pretty sick that he isn't feeling any bit of remorse and just goes along like nothing happened. I'm glad y ou're not giving him any leeway, at least I hope you are not. Guaranteed he'll be around you even more while she's gone because she won't "catch" him doing so. Can't you say something to him? Like, - its not necessary to visit my office everday and i would prefer that you don't. this is work and only work. i would rather not be associated with you. (and that's putting it nicely). Ugh.

[Shoestring]

Movinon05 - you are so right. I don't phone him, I don't visit him in his office, I don't even go down his end of the building. Gee, even tonight when I did see him in the distance, I gave him a wave acknowledging him, but continued on, but he called out and caught up to have a chat to me.

 

I think he is trying to keep his options open and I think he will up the anti now that she isn't in the picture for the next 4 weeks. Shows how much he must think of her too if he is doing this behind her back as well. I almost feel sorry for her (not to mention his wife - LOL), but she needs to figure this out herself.

 

The more he shows his true colours, the more I move away from him. I have to admit I have had my eyes opened a lot in the last 2 weeks and proves how gullible one can be when emotions are involved.

 

The two of them deserve each other.

[movinon05]

Well hopefully your transfer will go through. Can she make problems for you for your job - or your new job? If so, I'd be careful especially while she's gone. Her "friend" who passed on the email might be watching and reporting to her on her return and even if you keep it clean, you never know how it would be perceived and you wouldn't want this to affect YOUR employment.

 

I still say I'd keep contact with him short and simple and not even get into any conversation other than work related. He's feeding his ego.

[Shoestring]

movinon05 - I am still in the same Department, however will be moving to another Division. I will be on the same floor as both of them, but will have no contact with her (she will not be my supervisor any more) and I think she would do more damage than him. Unfortunately, he is in the same Division, but I couldn't argue with Jaws' supervisor and had to take what I could (it was that or nothing). Hopefully it will buy me some time to find a better job without the hassle. With the way they are acting, it will probably only be a matter of time before they are 'outed' and I should be untarnished by the whole event.

 

Funny you should raise the issue of her 'friend' cos when I left tonight, I noticed that her 'friend' was logged onto Jaws' computer - not sure why but it was late. Hhhmmmm!!! I also feel her friend is watching my every move, so the sooner I can get out the better. I am talking to my new boss next Thursday so hopefully I am out ASAP - can't wait. They should be happy then too.

 

Apart from acknowledging them briefly, I don't have much to do with Jaws or her 'friend'. Funny how he still comes up smelling like roses in their eyes, even though he would be seen in my office, sending me that e-mail, phoning me before the bust-up, etc yet I am the 'villan'.

 

Oh what fun we have.