Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 So I guess I need opinion of the males out there. My boyfriend of 6 months told me that he needed some space because he has so much going on right now. I will not list all of the things but he really really has his hands full. Trust Me...We are not a young couple and he has children and I do not. He has issues with the kids, exes etc.... We never fight, we have everything in commom . Seriously there is no good reason for us not to be together except that he is completely overwhelmed and it seems to him in his irrational mind that if something has to give , I am the only thing he can let go. We havent even really officially broken up. A few days ago we had a pretty heated discussion because I could tell he was really stressed and was taking it out on me. The more I asked him about it, the more upset and frustrated he would get so to end the conversation he pretty much said we shouldnt be together. (the next day he said he didnt mean it, it was just easier to say it then continue the conversation) Anyway the next day I asked him over for the evening and we had a great wonderful evening. At the end I told him that I did not think that we needed to end but that I would give him some space so he could figure out all that is going on in his life...He gave me a kiss and we hugged for about 10 minutes then he left. I didnt talk to him at all the next day but yesterday he texted me some small talk. I responded short and sweet. Have not contacted him today. I know it sounds really selfish and dumb, but I want him to miss me. I really want him to miss me. I know he does, I know how much he cares about me but he does not want to pull me into his crazy life right now. I guess my question is, is me making no contact with him the best way to get him to want me back and to stop this "need space" thing? Will he be back?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 If you haven't already read it, you really need to read "He's Just Not That Into You". My ex-boyfriend dumped me in January. After about six months into our relationship he started to pull that whole "I need time and space" routine. He said it was because his job was too demanding and his dad was sick and he was getting depressed. My first gut reaction was that if he was going through all this that he should want me in his life to support him and help him through it, even if our time together was limited. I was more than willing to give up date nights; all I wanted was a daily phone call...that sort of thing. A couple of weeks later he stopped calling, stopped returning my calls. So I left him a message that I was finished with him, and I wasn't going to put up with the game playing. Later that day he sends me a panicky message that he was so sorry...he was depressed and overwhelmed and to please give him another chance. Stupid me. I did. Fast forward a couple of months later and he dumped me on the phone....claiming....guess what?....that he was too busy and overwhelmed to be in a relationship. Moral of my story? I should have listened to my gut. I should have listened to that book. "Time and space" is an excuse...an excuse for running away from a commitment without admitting that's what he is doing. If a guy really loves a woman he will make time for that relationship to stay alive...even if that is only a phone call once a day until the other time demands subside. If he really loves a woman he will do anything he can to make sure he doesn't lose her. Your guy needs to fish or cut bait. Period.
Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 i completely disagree with jen jen. ive been with my guy for almost two years and we always need space. you shouldnt have to always be with that person. having space makes the heart founder. he will miss you guarantee and will come back.
CaliGuy Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 "I need space" is an incomplete sentence. What people mean when they say "I need space" should be followed "without you in it because I am contemplating going on without you. If fact, I've got someone else in mind." That's how I read "I need space." Sorry about that, but the best thing you can do is give it to him. Clinging on to him would most assuredly push him away. Be independent, strong and don't ever need him. Yes, you want him (I wanted my ex too) but if he's pulling away let him be free. That would be your only chance.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Yes, CaliGuy and I are right. I'm not sure of many things, but of this I AM sure. Guest, I think you're confusing needing personal space with the all-too-often-used "I need time and space" line of BS. Personal space is healthy, in that people need some time in relationships to pursue their own personal interests aside from their partner. Couples shouldn't be joined at the hip. But telling your partner that you want time and space apart is NOT a sign of a relationship that will go anywhere.
Vertex Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I'm sorry but I've always found "I need space" to be a complete crock. Every time I've been told that, it's really just a way to say "I want space from you because I'm trying to pull away without rejecting you immediately." If someone really wanted space, I'd think there'd be a reassurance. Like "I want space... understand that I still love you and don't want to break up or anything like that but I need to take care of these external stress factors so that they don't cloud my judgment with respect to this relationship." I don't know that's a little verbose and technical but you get the idea. You are probably more likely to fare better by listening to your gut in this situation.
ddnnee Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 you sure it wasn't "I need myspace?" who here has myspace raise your hand!? oh i see 99.9% of you raised your hand. good job kids.
Adunaphel Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I wonder what exactly "I need space" means in your case. Sometimes the "I need space" sentence is just a prelude to a break up. Sometimes it's an excuse to see new people. Sometimes it just means that the person actually needs space, but has no intention of breaking up or cheating. Sometimes it's a way to find out if you are still in love with your partner, or to give yourself an opportunity to miss your partner. Are you officially still together? Have you made it clear that neither of you should see other people? (or that it's okay to see other people) Did you agree on any rules?
Kengne Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Sometimes 'I need space' is the pre-lude to a long, drawn-out breakup. And sometimes - men really DO need space. You say he's overwhelmed and it seems to him the only thing he can let go of is you. I know it hurts, but this is normal. In my experience, men are notoriously horrible at mult-tasking. Alot of them need to have their ish in order, before they can truly be there for us females in a rel'ship. Be thankful that at least he's been honest with you, rather than stringing you along in the rel'ship with the one or two phone calls here and there. You said you'd be happy with just that i.e. less than 100% effort on his part, but would you really? I don't think so, and neither does he. Ultimately you'd become fed up and/or frustrated at his inability to give as much as you're giving bcuz that's just human nature. He's asked for space... so give that to him. It's not about what you want or what you think is rational/irrational. It's about respecting him, and his desire for space. Men fall in love with women in the spaces we create. Let him miss you. Let him see what life is like, without you in it. I'm sure he'll notice the void, and assuming he gets his ducks all in order he'll be back pronto. Good luck! K.
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