I forgive her

[sick of it]

Im sorry if this comes across a little harsh fooled, but you have been going through this initial break up soul searching scenerio for far too long now.

 

I havnt been visiting this site much of late, but the few occasions I do you still seem to be making limited progress.

 

Maybe ur still hurting and going through all this different break up stage BS cause ur still in contact with this girl?

 

Seriously once you stop the chit chat and small talk with her you will recover..mark my words!

 

There is only so much self help crap you can listen too before you say 'screw it! Im sick of hurting and wanna get better'

 

Sure people here have helped you, and im more than likely gonna get torched for this post, but its time to make a stand and be accounted for fooled.

 

Hopefully you feel better soon man, cause you have been hurting for far too long.

 

Peace Out.

 

 

Pippen,

i dont think phrases like "far too long" apply when it comes to recovery, at least not this early. maybe after a year you can start to push...but not a few months.

The brain can reason death most of the time. someone dies and the brain can say, "they are gone. it was nothing personal, but they are no longer here. people die"

when youre left by someone, all it is is personal. the brain cant reason that not can the heart. theres the constat search for what happened, what could i have done, what did i do?

the brain and heart must figure things out on their own. all you can do is facilitate with NC or LC (whichever works), friends, LS, and all the other tools we talk about here.

i think Fooled has done more soul searching and reflection than most people have and has come out on top. does that mean hes perfectly over it? NO. will any of us be....probably not.

but we can set our minds toi forgive, to move on, and to convince that there will be something better. WILL be....in the future, when we're ready to accept it

[bendit]

Contact keeps you attached. It keeps your mind on the relationship. If contact is so good why not make it a monthly or weekly habit? The only problem with believing the contact helped you is that you have no alternative reference point. You don't know where your mind would be right now had you not had limited contact with her over the last month (voicemails email AND phone conversation). I can tell you it would be further along the healing process. There is little doubt in my mind about this.

 

regards

[fooled]

Jencakes - I have never had a single thought of revenge towards her. It's not in my nature.

 

Pippen - I really haven't had that much contact. And my soul-searching transgresses the relationship. I have done a lot of changing and am still adapting simultaneously - a lot of it should have happened before I ever got in a relationship with her. I have never said I am making great strides. A lot of readers and posters believe that I am - but I am not. I am taking baby steps and making slow progress. But it is progress, nonetheless.

 

Bendit - it's hard to argue with your point that contact keeps you in the relationship. It is impossible though for me to not be aware of her. Her new main romance is just as high profile as ours was (within our industry). I have done everything I can within reason to distance myself, but at least once a week I get indirect contact: a random call, email or mailing from a third party that keeps the relationship in my mind. (PM me if you want details that may clear things up)

 

I do feel that I am doing all the right things. It really has only been 3 months. It's been hard and will continue to be.

[pippen_2k]

Sorry, 3 months aint that long ( seemed longer ).

 

Good post by bendit, agree 100%.

 

Totally giving up any sort of contact with her ( As impossible as that sounds to you now ) will be making them baby steps of yours into leaping strides!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

More than 6 months ive dealt with this, not like the frat/jock that i used to want to be but like a traditional gentleman, longing for what he believed to be his love. We were not meant to bounce from one partner to the next, but at the same time we were not meant to be with someone that didnt make us happy, no matter how hard they tried.

 

AltplanB2,

 

It's very refreshing to hear a man say that. A real man. Whenever you find the woman you were meant to be with, she will be a very lucky woman indeed.

 

 

Fooled,

 

I know that revenge is not in your nature. And it's not in mine either. I never get revenge....not ever. But I have had thoughts of it; I would just never act on it. I'm too nice. As much as I hate what my ex did to me, I can't hate him. Maybe that's my problem. If I could hate him it would be easier for me to let go.

 

Don't listen to the people here who are saying that you're taking too long to get through the grieving process. Everyone is different, and some people experience grief, love and other emotions more deeply and passionately than others. I think sometimes people move on too quickly in that they don't really resolve their grief, and that's when they end up bringing baggage with them into a new relationship. You seem to be doing things in a very intelligent, self-actualized way, which will only make you stronger and more open to love in the end.

[bendit]

Fooled, I went back and did a refresh of your story. Correct me if I am wrong but the longest you have been NC with her seems to be about 3 weeks. In the last three months you have run into her on the street, talked to mutual friends about her, monitored her whereabouts, taken emails from her, listened to voice messages from her, IMd her, and taken her calls. That's just from what you posted.

 

You have rightly been angry with her since you arrived. You are still angry. Anger goes away with time and NC. I had 100 days of strict no contact and I can tell you the anger was gone at that point.

 

You were put through the ringer by this train wreck of a person. She lied, cheated, deceived, pretended and put up a false self for you to love and cherish. She hurt you in the worst way by cheating on you. The most interesting question is why is it so tough to shut the door on this person? Why is it so damn tough to let go? Why does it seem almost impossible for you to close all avenues of contact? I don't have all the answers but I have theories.

 

When you first arrived you had gotten good advice from someone that she was a "cancer" and that you needed NC. Your friend said that if you took up with her he would disown you. When you first arrived you were on the NC bandwagon big time. Its right there in the archive. But that didn't last. You have allowed a lot of contact, enough so that any talk of you being NC is really just lip service.

 

Because of the severity of the abuse you suffered, even with full 100% NC ,your recovery from this awful relationship would probably take the better part of a year...probably a lot longer. So you are in about the 2nd inning of a 9 inning ball game. You have a lot of ups and downs ahead my friend. Even with strict NC, you would have many many ups and downs.

 

Your expectations about where you should "be" in your recovery are far off base. Cut yourself some slack. You went through something horrific. Your trust was stepped on. You were deceived. She cheated on you and lied about it. Recovery will take a long time. A heck of a long time. You have to let this run its course naturally. You can't force it to move any faster by making bold proclamations on Love Shack.

 

I advised you weeks ago that you should block her emails and change your phone number. That was advice you chose not to accept. You now seem to be firmly in the limited contact is OK camp. The camp that says NC is "avoiding" and living in fear. That's certainly your prerogative.

 

The most interesting question is why can't you shut the door on a woman who treated you with utter disdain? Why do you crave contact with someone who cheated, lied and deceived, played with your emotions, walked all over your boundaries, and toyed with your feelings? These are really important questions. What is in it for you?

 

You say you may take her calls again. I think its interesting that you would. Why? What is keeping you from turning the page on this chapter in your life? What keeps you stuck, accepting contact, staying close? You have excuses why you will have contact, but those are simply rationalizations for wanting to stay in contact. You CAN eliminate contact and it would be simple to do. Plenty of people in your shoes do take those difficult final steps to shut all the avenues down. Yet you don't. I wonder...why?These are all important questions.

 

Fast forward three years from now. Say you have a wife and child. A great new life. Are you really going to want H in your life at that point? Is that really going to be a healthy thing for you and your new family? What kind of friendship can a person who was an utter FAKE offer you? Can a person like that be a good friend? I say no.

 

If in three years you can't imagine having her in your life, then she doesn't belong there now. Don't continue to rationalize staying in contact with her. At best it will only delay your healing, keeping you mired in the anger stage. At worst, you run the risk of getting drawn back into that mess or even another go round with her. It can happen, and does to many many people in your situation, inevitably ending in disaster.

 

You are still in early stages of recovery my friend. Very early stages. And staying in contact with her can do you no good. You are stuck in the anger stage and as long as you remain in contact, you will stay there. Why? Because nothing she can say will ever make up for what happened to you. Nothing. And you will likely be met with pure frustration in your contacts with her. She is capable of hurting you more.

 

You've had a number of contacts with her over the last three months and you are open to talking to her again. You said so right here on LS. She is a miserable toxic person who treated you horribly and all you gave her was your love. Ask yourself what keeps you from letting this person GO forever. Still some important questions for you my friend.

 

 

regards

[fooled]

Bendit - you are right - I am still angry. I may have made a mistake with this thread. I hoped that I could forgive just by force of will. Perhaps that's not possible. I'm tired of being angry. I'm sick of obsessing.

 

I do not seek contact with her. I am open to speak to her again only if I feel it is the right thing to do. I have deleted plenty of messages without listening. Her email & IM are blocked.

 

I want to forgive her so I can move on - it may be too early.

 

You ask to look 3 years into the future and would I want her in my life. I can't imagine what my life will be like 3 months from now. In 3 years I doubt seriously I will have a wife, much less having a child with one. I doubt in 3 years I will be capable of trusting a woman who lives in Los Angeles, if that is indeed where I still will be.

 

I truly do not know why it is so tough to let this one go.

[reservoirdog1]

Fooled, I feel your pain. I'm where you are -- I know that, if I could truly let go of XW's bullsh*t, not be bothered by it anymore, and -- who knows -- forgive her, maybe I'd be in a better place.

 

However, I don't think I'm there yet. I'm not convinced that I can "force myself" to forgive. I feel as though I first have to reach a point of indifference, where I don't feel much of anything for her anymore. I'm definitely not there yet -- what I feel is animosity, resentment, dislike, and disgust.

 

Like you, I obsess. I'm often angry. I don't know how to make that stop. The only answer I've found is to channel my anger into something positive, like physical exercise. Make it work for me, instead of against me.

 

Oh, and to give you some perspective... I'm more than 2.5 years out. And I still feel this way.

[bendit]

Fooled try not to have expectations about your recovery...time and as little contact with her as possible is the answer. Its a very simple formula. You will be angry at her, at yourself for a while. Telling yourself not to be, doesn't work. What works is time and PROCESSING your emotions. Letting Go. Letting go happens when you can stop being angry. But you have been through hell and its no crime to feel angry at this stage.

 

Anger serves a purpose for awhile. The purpose of being angry about what happened is to help you keep your distance until you can detach to indifference. Contact keeps the anger close by. The goal is to drop the anger. You will let the anger go when you get some distance, and you realize you learned a great deal from this experience.

 

Just let time heal..the more you can avoid anything having to do with her the better. That in combination with plenty of time will do the trick. You'll get there. Be patient and ALLOW yourself to go Through the process. Because it is a process. Take care.

 

regards

[Chinook]

Sometimes I think it's easier said than done. What if there really is no blame to lay...? What if walking away makes everything you went through together feel like it's worthless now..? For you both.

 

[sorry to hi-jack the thread just I'm finding NC very hard right now]

 

[sick of it]

Chinook,

May 27....thats when we went on our "break". I didnt get "angry"...like really angry until February. I had been in limited contact with her since the break...including a 2 week vacation to china. my anger didnt kick in until a few months ago. i had employed strict NC and she started calling me....i went 2 months without an ounce of contact and was feeling TONS better. Then i listened to a voicemail. then had a converation and felt horrific. went a month. listened to another voicemail. never called back. its been almost a month since then and i had to start over.

the problem, like bendit said, is theres no reference point. i employed strict NC and was feeling much better. thought i could handle a message and couldnt. theres my reference. i was feeling good. do not call, do not answer, do not accept any form of communication until you just dont care anymore. if you think about calling or contacting all the time, the what ifs, and the should i's and the will he/she's, then youre not ready. think about a friend...any friend. do you think about the next time you will speak to them? no. youre indifferent to it. you care about them obviously but its not the same.

Walking away is an attempt to heal yourself. youre not forgetting anything. you cant. if it meant that much to you, you wont. your ex wont forget either. and if they do, then it doesnt matter because theyre your memories too. no one can take them away. its worthless if you take nothing from any of this.

 

as for the rest of the thread...

anger, hate, resentment, animosity...they all keep you as attached as love does. theres also little difference between them all. "thin line between love and hate" its true. the amount of negative feeling you feel is proportional to the amount of love you had/have. Fooled, its hard to let go because you loved her. when you imagine your life with someone, when you look forward to being with them, when you truly love someone without any fear, every shield on you is down and a pin prick will make you gush blood.

Fooled, we were shot. it will take a while to stop the bleeding. throwing a bandaid on it ("i forgive you") wont heal it. its a valiant attempt to make the pain stop. to allow you to regain conciousness from the blood loss, but it doesnt stop it.

it will heal on its own. it has to. all we can do is everything to let the wound set. let is scab and let it go away.

 

look at my thread of "how have you been strong." youre doing everything you can. not accepting contact, deleting message before hearing or seeing them...thats HUGE. many of us cant do that...but you can. because you can do things like that shows that you want this to end...and therefore, it will. i do the same things as you. i dont seek contact...but i absolutley want to see her again or speak to her. 5.5 yrs is a long time to never see someone again. but I cant.

yes, its frustrating, that may be the worst part. you do these things to make it stop. you dont seek contact, you keep busy, you do the out of sight out of mind thing...and you try to forgive and the anger is still there. thats incredibly frustrating becuase it keeps you attached.

we're watching a pot. thats what this is....we're waiting for it to boil and its only because we're concentrating so hard on it that it seems like its taking so long.

do not feel bad that youre still angry, do not feel bad that you cant forgive YET. when you first posted this thread, i think i was the first to read it. i started a forgiveness letter to my ex right under yours and ended up deleting it because i didnt mean it. but i wanted to. i still do, desperetely. its one of the final steps...however, its also just as long as the others. patience and time is all anyone can say. and its all we can do.

im there with you.

[Chinook]

I know what you're saying.

 

I wish I didn't. I know it's the right thing to do. I did initiate NC and made it quite clear that I can't do anything else right now.

 

It hurts really badly. There is no anger. What happened with us wasn't anyone's fault really. No-one could have foreseen what would happen. I can say all the 'what if's' in the world, it doesn't change anything.

 

The problem is, it's getting to 2 years now. I tried dating. I tried moving on and nothing fecking works. It's a nightmare.

 

 

[sorry, fooled!]

[bendit]

we're watching a pot. thats what this is....we're waiting for it to boil and its only because we're concentrating so hard on it that it seems like its taking so long.

 

 

Nice post. Its great to see a real life testimonial of someone who has had limited contact and then realized a need to shift to NO CONTACT. About the watched pot. This is why deleting your email address and changing your phone numbers is so so valuable. The pot VANISHES. There is no point in watching those pots anymore. THAT is what letting go is about. Its a statement of INTENT that you have decided to move on. Is the pain over at that point? Hardly. It can be the START of the pain being over, however.

 

regards

 

ps: SOI: you have shifted from needing help to Providing help. ;-)

[zarathustra]

Bendit - you are right - I am still angry. I may have made a mistake with this thread. I hoped that I could forgive just by force of will. Perhaps that's not possible. I'm tired of being angry. I'm sick of obsessing.

 

I don't think that you can force yourself to feel a particular way. I think it is important to validate your feelings of anger and resentment. Fooled, it is ok to feel anger. Sorry, I don't know the whole story of what she did and if you want to PM me and take it offline, I'll be happy to lend an ear. Or you can PM me with a link to your orginal thread with the details.

 

I felt a lot of resentment towards my recent ex. Words couldn't describe it but I figured out what I resented and then a few days later I felt really ready to let go. Its only been a short time since then so I don't know if I'll continue feeling this way.

 

 

I want to forgive her so I can move on - it may be too early.

 

I don't think you need to forgive someone in order to move on. You do sound really angry and hard. I'm sure at one point you weren't like that and it sound like it is that point where you want to get back to. It is at that point when I think you will be able to trust and love again. I think that when you are able to let go of the anger, you will be ready to let go. I don't know what it will take for you to let go of the anger, but I'm sure you will find it. For me, it was the recognition that I resented my ex for taking my choice to keep my promises to him to spend my life with him, to care for him and to love him as long as I live. I realized that I was never going to be able to live up to the promises I made because it required him to be there in order for me to fulfill them. I was angry that he pretends to care when he cared neither if I lived or died (he and I work together so we have to see each other all the time - it made healing that much harder.

 

 

I truly do not know why it is so tough to let this one go.

 

I think that its hard to let go of something that was/is precious to you. She meant a lot to you and you worked really hard on the relationship. You invested a lot in the relationship. You should take pride in being able to feel that much for someone that you are capable of big feelings.

 

Take good care, Fooled.