fooled Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Dear Heidi, I forgive you. Your actions will not be forgotten, but their impact will continue to diminish while what I've learned from them strengthen me. I come away with a much better sense of myself - and knowing that I can love more intensely than I ever imagined. Wishing you happiness is futile - you will bring on yourself whatever you will. I do hope you don't destroy yourself - you are amazing in so many ways - it will be more than just my loss - please find what you want and need. I loved you with my whole heart and it is with that same heart that I forgive you.
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Excellent. The ties that bind you are now gone. Enjoy your life, Fooled. As B_0 said in another life "The best revenge is a life well-lived." Now go have some fun. You deserve it!
2020vision Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Fooled, That is awesome that you can forgive her. That is the last stage of my "recovery" that I am now focusing on. You now hold no resentment, how amazing that must feel!
sick of it Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Fooled, I admire you. You have taken control of every emotion. Yes, they reveal thmeselves sometimes, but you consistently prevail. That amazes me that anyone can do that. That despite your feelings, you can know whats best, and say the things that need to be said to her. And afterwards, forgive everything to let yourself go. I want your strength, your resolve, and you determination for happiness. I hope to soon meet you in that place soon.
Rosalind Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I was touched by this post...how long did it take you to get to this stage, fooled?
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Fooled, I admire you. You have taken control of every emotion. Yes, they reveal thmeselves sometimes, but you consistently prevail. That amazes me that anyone can do that. That despite your feelings, you can know whats best, and say the things that need to be said to her. And afterwards, forgive everything to let yourself go. I want your strength, your resolve, and you determination for happiness. I hope to soon meet you in that place soon. If you have honestly resolved to sticking to what is best for you, nothing is impossible
Author fooled Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Thanks, all. It really stemmed from a conversation with a friend I had last night wherein I was told I was obsessing and I need to forgive my ex. Not for her, but for me. Not forgiving her is not hurting her - it's only hurting me. So today I listed everything she did that hurt me. I didn't including my feelings, just the deeds. Then I listed everything I got from the relationship. After that, I wrote her a letter getting every last feeling out and ending with my forgiveness. This was part of a little ceremony. I wrote the letter between candles and on the place on the couch we would sit. Then I burned the letter and spread the ashes outside in the place she would park. I'll be honest, I came in a cried a lot. Haven't been that weepy since the Anger Letter. But it's done. I believe I have connected my head and heart finally. However, 2020 - I don't "feel" much different. I didn't feel a weight lift. I just believe that everything will be okay. You're hot, by the way. Sick, thank you very much for your support. I do expect up days and down days. She is still not completely out of my thoughts. But it is different. Rosalind - It's taken just over 3 months. But I have done intensive self-examination. I've changed my life completely. Therapy - talking with friends, LS almost religiously at first. I have done a lot of work and it's mostly been in one direction - towards getting healthier. That process itself was obsessive. My whole journey is documented here if you're interested - just search for threads I've started. Also, you look very Lara Croftian in your avatar. CG - I'll give you a shout soon.
2020vision Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 However, 2020 - I don't "feel" much different. I didn't feel a weight lift. I just believe that everything will be okay. You're hot, by the way. I know exactly what you mean...My ex apologized to me over the phone about a month ago. I refused to say "apology accepted" because I did not feel it was heart felt and I guess I just thought hearing those words "I apologize" would make me feel different and they did not. Thinking about forgiving someone and actually feeling that way are two very different things. Thank you!
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Thanks, all. It really stemmed from a conversation with a friend I had last night wherein I was told I was obsessing and I need to forgive my ex. Not for her, but for me. Not forgiving her is not hurting her - it's only hurting me. So today I listed everything she did that hurt me. I didn't including my feelings, just the deeds. Then I listed everything I got from the relationship. After that, I wrote her a letter getting every last feeling out and ending with my forgiveness. This was part of a little ceremony. I wrote the letter between candles and on the place on the couch we would sit. Then I burned the letter and spread the ashes outside in the place she would park. I'll be honest, I came in a cried a lot. Haven't been that weepy since the Anger Letter. But it's done. I believe I have connected my head and heart finally. However, 2020 - I don't "feel" much different. I didn't feel a weight lift. I just believe that everything will be okay. You're hot, by the way. Sick, thank you very much for your support. I do expect up days and down days. She is still not completely out of my thoughts. But it is different. Rosalind - It's taken just over 3 months. But I have done intensive self-examination. I've changed my life completely. Therapy - talking with friends, LS almost religiously at first. I have done a lot of work and it's mostly been in one direction - towards getting healthier. That process itself was obsessive. My whole journey is documented here if you're interested - just search for threads I've started. Also, you look very Lara Croftian in your avatar. CG - I'll give you a shout soon. Interesting thing about forgiving and letting go. When you forgive someone you cut the ties that bind you to them. You are no longer seeking anything from them and you gain your own closure. Gratz, Fooled. I'll be around over the weekend. Lotsa work to do around the garage.
Author fooled Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 I know exactly what you mean...My ex apologized to me over the phone about a month ago. I refused to say "apology accepted" because I did not feel it was heart felt and I guess I just thought hearing those words "I apologize" would make me feel different and they did not. Thinking about forgiving someone and actually feeling that way are two very different things. Thank you! I didn't accept her apology when she called 2 weeks ago either - I told her I don't care. I don't care if she's sorry and I don't care if she's not - and if she's looking to relieve a little guilt she should call her therapist or one of her boyfriends. I was angry then. I was angry yesterday. Today I haven't been. I said that I forgive her, I mean to forgive her, I want to forgive her and I believe I do - eventually that determination will lead to the true peace of forgiveness. I don't feel that peace of mind yet.
2020vision Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Exactly, I felt it was just a way for him to get it off his conscience for how he treated me. Speak of the devil, he just emailed me saying that he looked at my myspace saying that I am "looking hotter than ever" but he also said this: "if for some weird reason you want me to call you, let me know. But drop the high and mighty attitude, you are not fooling me." I know I should not open his emails, but oh well...it did not really effect me. You have an amazingly positive attitude. I admire that. Keep it up!
Author fooled Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 "if for some weird reason you want me to call you, let me know. But drop the high and mighty attitude, you are not fooling me." You have an amazingly positive attitude. I admire that. Keep it up! Your ex is an ass. I'm positive about that.
2020vision Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Your ex is an ass. I'm positive about that. Thanks for the confirmation! By the way, did not mean to change/take over your thread!! sorry....
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Fooled, you're a better person than I am. Congrats! I'm at the same timeline as you, and I'm not even close to being in any sort of forgiveness stage. Actually, the sadness is still eating me alive.
Author fooled Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 2020, you did not take over my thread - you added to it. I've never felt ownership to a thread anyway. Jencakes, I am not a better person than you. I was very very sad before I made the decision to forgive her. In fact, I didn't want to. As I said, I was convinced it was to MY benefit to do it. And that is why I have taken on this challenge. And it IS a challenge.
chocolate_boy Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Don't send it buddy, just be pleased you feel like this. Life goes on, maintain NC. Dear Heidi, I forgive you. Your actions will not be forgotten, but their impact will continue to diminish while what I've learned from them strengthen me. I come away with a much better sense of myself - and knowing that I can love more intensely than I ever imagined. Wishing you happiness is futile - you will bring on yourself whatever you will. I do hope you don't destroy yourself - you are amazing in so many ways - it will be more than just my loss - please find what you want and need. I loved you with my whole heart and it is with that same heart that I forgive you.
Author fooled Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 Dude - I didn't send it, nor did I ever intend to. It's just part of my documented journey here.
2sunny Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Good job fooled! You have made great strides as of late!
Yamaha Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Not forgiving her is not hurting her - it's only hurting me. So very important to understand this statement. By not forgiving her you still hold anger in and that anger will make your life sad and lonely. To free yourself of the anger you have to forgive so you can put what happened behind you. You don't forget but you can forgive and it is necessary to heal.
bendit Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Its important to say you forgive someone but its much harder to turn those words into your reality. That takes time..plenty of time and NC. Contact makes you go relive the anger phase of your healing with each an every contact. I don't believe that Fooled's recent contact did him any good at all. I think it is making him go through the anger phase again. Yes writing out that you are forgiving makes a bold statement. But the healing process has to run its course. And that takes time. Plenty of time. The mind goes where it will go. Contact delays the Process. It simply delays the inevitable and prolongs the pain. regards
Guest Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I admire you.... There are not many whom are willing to forgive, as they think that if they stay angry, it will somehow make them feel better. To stay angry only destroys who they are and never let's them move on. You are your own destiny..
Author fooled Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 I couldn't agree more with your first statement. I am just a little more than going through the motions right now. I am taking the step toward forgiving her. I genuinely want to, so that helps. I disagree that my last contact with her hurt me or set me back in any way. I feel it really had less to do with her and more to do with me listening to my instincts. When all of her bulls*** was cleared out of the way, I was pretty disconnected from her and it was just 2 people having a conversation. I believe it was the right thing to do at that time. But the only way I will speak to her again is if similar circumstances arise (or if I have to professionally). The interaction didn't make me go through the anger phase again - I don't think it ever left. There are constant reminders of the betrayal. The only way to battle that is the forgiveness. And you're correct, sir - only time and willingness will turn that into reality. Again - thank you for your insight and encouragement, my friend. I am not afraid of the tough love. Its important to say you forgive someone but its much harder to turn those words into your reality. That takes time..plenty of time and NC. Contact makes you go relive the anger phase of your healing with each an every contact. I don't believe that Fooled's recent contact did him any good at all. I think it is making him go through the anger phase again. Yes writing out that you are forgiving makes a bold statement. But the healing process has to run its course. And that takes time. Plenty of time. The mind goes where it will go. Contact delays the Process. It simply delays the inevitable and prolongs the pain. regards
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Fooled, Do you have any vengeful feelings? Like you want to ruin her or in some way make her pay for the pain she caused? Cause I do about my ex. I dreamt of a slow castration with a dull butterknife.
pippen_2k Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Im sorry if this comes across a little harsh fooled, but you have been going through this initial break up soul searching scenerio for far too long now. I havnt been visiting this site much of late, but the few occasions I do you still seem to be making limited progress. Maybe ur still hurting and going through all this different break up stage BS cause ur still in contact with this girl? Seriously once you stop the chit chat and small talk with her you will recover..mark my words! There is only so much self help crap you can listen too before you say 'screw it! Im sick of hurting and wanna get better' Sure people here have helped you, and im more than likely gonna get torched for this post, but its time to make a stand and be accounted for fooled. Hopefully you feel better soon man, cause you have been hurting for far too long. Peace Out.
AltplanB2 Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Honestly, how can you just forgive and let go all at once. Even forcing yourself, its when your mind lets go on its own accord. I still haven't, and its driven me into depression and lonelyness. But thats my demon. Just gotta remind myself that shes not the girl i loved anymore. Shes just a slut that wants to have fun and party, and not with me. Even knowing all that i know and all the things that i haven't discussed with her because i dont want to talk to her, i dont think forgiveness counts as the true way out of your feelings. With forgiveness comes a willingness to accept the downfalls and shortcomings as well as letting them know that all the pain that they have caused you doesn't matter because your feelings are stronger. And when i mean letting them know, i mean inside yourself. your telling yourself to let go by forgiving. Sure this works for some, others...anger. For me, i still dont know. More than 6 months ive dealt with this, not like the frat/jock that i used to want to be but like a traditional gentleman, longing for what he believed to be his love. We were not meant to bounce from one partner to the next, but at the same time we were not meant to be with someone that didnt make us happy, no matter how hard they tried. I guess thats where we both failed. She didn't want to get things back to how they were and i couldn't figure out what to do to make them come back. It was terrible. Both know theres a problem but only one was willing to fix it based on love. I guess ill never know what might of been. It does not matter how long it has taken you for at some point, you will awaken and it will be all the more sweet to know that you are able to be free again, and that the person that you loved is no longer a burden on your life, mocking you through your mind as you struggle with everyday tasks. Im not a perfect guy, and what I deserve or what anyone else deserves means nothing. What matters is if we can find someone or something in our lives that can make us truly happy. Good luck in your searches and remember, the great ones come along when you least expect it.
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