Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 So last night I finally decided to initiate the breakup for good (even though I know she would have done it anyway later, and we weren't "together" at this time, in the sense of boyfriend/girlfriend), so technically I can't say I broke up with her, but still. I explained a lot of things and she agreed with them, and admitted she was still confused. We came to a conclusion that our issues stemmed from school stress, distance (we had a one-hour-distance LDR), birth control depression, and friend issues. Ever since she got on the patch she was depressed in life. We lived together over the summer and I think that excess close-time may have also put a short strain on things. She's had a lot of stress with school and things not going her way in general (small things over time that build up) and the only thing she feels like she can change is the relationship, so naturally she will divert negative energy where she can. I've had a lot more stress than this in terms of bad s*** happening, but I've learned that you can't do anything BUT look at the bright side or you're doomed to fail. I felt she was overly negative, and on that note, I was too attached and made her the center of my life when she should have been more of an "add-on" to what I can make as my own happiness. She looks at the dark side of the coin constantly and I want to help her but she says she doesn't like relying on other people. I felt like she was quitting everything in her life -- her extracurriculars, her friends, her clubs, her hobbies, and now her boyfriend. She doesn't know which came first -- the decline in her love for me then the unwillingness to try to fix things, or vice-versa. Regardless it was something I didn't want to see her go through, but it appears that she will only reject my offers for support. Anyways I have so many memories and it makes me sad that they can't continue... how do I manage these memories... some of the best moments of my life. But they are no longer able to be experienced in reality, so I know they can only remain memories, but they are painful.
2020vision Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Not to state the obvious, but you made the right decision. It is difficult, and pretty much impossible to be with a negative person. It is only natural to cling as you did and make someone the center of your life when you feel that they are slipping away. I did the same thing with my ex, I tried to pour so much energy into the whole relationship just to try and make it work, then discovered that it was only me trying. And that is when i gave up and left him. Yes, someone is suppose to compliment your life, not complicate it. IMO, memories are the worst part of the breakup. They linger and they hurt. I still get memory thoughts about my ex, and I believe I am at the end of getting over our breakup. When I get these memories, I let them hurt, and then I get past my "moment". At first, you will dwell, but more time will pass of you not seeing her or talking to her and less and less will remind you of her to bring up these memories. And you will start to make your own memories, and they do not have to be with someone else. Keep your chin up and keep posting for advice if you need any!
Author Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 You are right. I mean when my dad died I had all sorts of sad memories... but over time I was able to look upon them fondly and understand that life does go on. I know the same will apply here too. When only one person is wanting to keep things together, it's just an impossible task. It's just that she is such a huge part of my life. She was with me ever since before my dad died and she's been such a huge support for me and we made each other happy for a long time until this recent decline a few months ago. Those memories are so good and it hurts to think that that person may no longer exist. However now I think I must get into the so-called NC or No Contact-mode. I can't speak to her nor do I feel like "settling for friendship," it's just too much. Sure she might go have a little fling (I've read this by accident) as a way to cope with her sadness, or she might miss me, but I know it's the only way to heal correctly at this point. If I break NC I start from square one. It's all just so hard. I feel like everything in my life I've ever loved is just leaving little by little. I feel very lonely.
littlepiggy1 Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 It's hard to see this now, but this break up is probably a very good thing. I went through something similar with my ex. She was pretty depressed a lot (probably suffering from chronic depression) and combined with her insecurities and other issues, it just wore me down. Now it's two months later and I feel better than I have in a long time. It's an old cliche, but time really does heal all wounds. You'll probably find yourself missing her, thinking about her a lot and wanting to see her again. But just give yourself time and space, focus on making yourself happy. Join a club, take up a new hobby, whatever works for you. In time you'll heal and be ready to move on.
Author Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 A mutual friend just sent me an email saying "Don't worry so much. Move on. She already has." with the following messages extracted from her emails: About 15 minutes before I started our breakup talk ( I have to break up with him (again) but it takes so much energy. Maybe I'll wait until after school ends...but I really want to randomly hook up with someone. Well...I guess I can do that anyway, I don't consider us really together. oh i am so bad ) After breakup ( Yay! I must say that, so far, being single is making me really happy. I bought myself a celebratory gift (the sweater I showed you online yesterday) I wanna go out tomorrow! Do you still have your tequila? lol, I only need like half a shot... ) Both of these are from her to the friend. Not sure what that's all supposed to mean. But I should just not care.
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 No - you shouldn't, and looking at her communications with other people will only make you feel worse. You made your decision, stick to it, and keep distracting yourself.
Author Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 It kinda makes me sad that I seemed to be the only one that cares. I know I understand her and that having a random fling isn't going to change anything for her. But it isn't relevant anymore and things weren't working out... so I have to just accept the fact.
2020vision Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 It's just that she is such a huge part of my life. She was with me ever since before my dad died and she's been such a huge support for me and we made each other happy for a long time until this recent decline a few months ago. Those memories are so good and it hurts to think that that person may no longer exist. I was in a very similiar situation. My best friend died right before I met my ex. When I met him, I was at my weakest point and he brought me out of it. It was glorious. He filled the void that I had after she died. My best friend was my entire life, then it came crashing down. So, it was very hard to me let my new best friend (my ex) go. It felt like I was going through my best friends death all over again. However, you are right, if you can get through your dad passing away (i am sorry to hear about that by the way) then you can surely get over this piece of work! Honestly, no contact is seriously the way to go. I know it is all over LS, but it is repeated so many times because it really does work! I would also suggest that mutual friends don't send you anymore emails. She just needs to drop off the face of the earth to you. It sounds like you need to take your life back. You have been so consumed by her and her problems that caused you trouble, that you need to focus on yourself. And it is seriously an absolutley amazing feeling to take your life back into your own hands. Then, when you get into another relationship someday, you will not allow someone to control your happiness such as she did.
trone Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Vertex, You put up more than anyone would. She has issues and neither she wants to see them nor gets help. You need to move on and be sorry for her next victim. Believe me it wont last long!
Author Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 I just look at old emails and our attitudes were so different. She'd email me in the morning saying she missed me, calling me sweet, affectionate names and saying the nicest things. Lately it was to the point where I felt like I had to squeeze blood out of a turnip just to get her to say "Hey there sweetie!" She was so much more willing to, in her own words, "Handle anything that may come our way because she knows I have many years ahead of me and she plans to spend every one of them with me." Sigh. So funny how people change so drastically. I wonder what truly causes it sometimes. Why is it so hard for some people to just *be happy* and enjoy each other? Why do we have to fall into this negativity rut for no reason? Just accept the bad and focus on the good.
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 A mutual friend just sent me an email saying "Don't worry so much. Move on. She already has." with the following messages extracted from her emails: About 15 minutes before I started our breakup talk ( I have to break up with him (again) but it takes so much energy. Maybe I'll wait until after school ends...but I really want to randomly hook up with someone. Well...I guess I can do that anyway, I don't consider us really together. oh i am so bad ) After breakup ( Yay! I must say that, so far, being single is making me really happy. I bought myself a celebratory gift (the sweater I showed you online yesterday) I wanna go out tomorrow! Do you still have your tequila? lol, I only need like half a shot... ) Both of these are from her to the friend. Not sure what that's all supposed to mean. But I should just not care. Unfortunately it shows what you already know. She wanted to move on and was too much of a wuss to do it sooner. Be glad you are free as well. You can now focus on you and getting your needs met. You're a smart guy, you know what you need to do. Just learn from this experience as it will make you much stronger for the next. And there will be another, my friend. There always is PS: Tell your friend not to share information on her. Right now you need to go into NC mode, for your own benefit, not to punish her.
Author Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Thanks Caliguy. And yes I told the friend not to speak to me about anything she says. I feel like I have to pretend as if that person is gone from the planet. The less time I spend thinking about her in any form, the better. I hope you're right about there being someone else out there better. I know statistically and empirically that it is probably true, but I'm still lonely for the moment, regardless. Anyways, time to focus on the self. I feel like I haven't focused on myself in so long... this feels unusual to me to not think about her with every action I take in life.
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Thanks Caliguy. And yes I told the friend not to speak to me about anything she says. I feel like I have to pretend as if that person is gone from the planet. The less time I spend thinking about her in any form, the better. I hope you're right about there being someone else out there better. I know statistically and empirically that it is probably true, but I'm still lonely for the moment, regardless. Anyways, time to focus on the self. I feel like I haven't focused on myself in so long... this feels unusual to me to not think about her with every action I take in life. Totally natural to feel lonely. Basically a part of your life that has been a constant for some time is going to change. Remember, the only thing constant in life is change Read back over my guide to second chances. A lot of the suggestions in there will help you get set up perfectly for the next woman that comes into your life. And if you focus on your needs, rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem and making yourself happy, you'll be VERY attractive to her
Author Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 I do admit it is a very good guide I've liked a lot of your guides you've put up around these forums -- they strike me as highly accurate and pretty straightforward. It's strange that oftentimes the most attractive people are the ones who can function alone... it seems counterintuitive that being able to do so (a form of intrinsic distancing to avoid clinging) in fact has an opposite effect. I guess patience and keeping a level head are virtues.
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I do admit it is a very good guide I've liked a lot of your guides you've put up around these forums -- they strike me as highly accurate and pretty straightforward. It's strange that oftentimes the most attractive people are the ones who can function alone... it seems counterintuitive that being able to do so (a form of intrinsic distancing to avoid clinging) in fact has an opposite effect. I guess patience and keeping a level head are virtues. Good points!
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