how do i go?

[blueberry]

so how do i go?

 

everything everybody tells me is true...our marriage is just a slow train wreck. i know it. he knows it. we hurt each other so much and hardly a day goes by without some trauma. when we have a good day, one of us is on edge - waiting for the other to bite. as we all know, love is the sister of pain so of course i like to believe that he loves me just as much as i know he can hate me. we have "tried again" so many times but i have always felt that its me putting in more effort. i am no angel and i am guilty of "blowing up" on occasion but he never seems to understand the reasons why. we are both clinging on by the skin of our teeth and i know its time to go - or at least just a wee break from one another. i have a bolthole to go to...my friend. she has made it very clear that i am welcome to go there, sort myself out and find an apartment on my own. i know its right but its so hard to do it - to actually pack my things and make that move. as well as loving him, i also feel sorry for him. he is a foreigner here and he does need help with things from time to time. he also suffers from depression and often feels the weight of the world is on his shoulders. he says the most hurtful hateful things and always tells me to leave him and that i have messed up his life - but on occasion i also see his love for me, even if its a kind of tortured love. his mother left today - she has been here for a 2 week holiday and its been left largely up to me to take care of her (she doesnt speak any english) - and i truly didnt mind so much but it WAS very stressful for me as her son and i were engaged in this careful dance around her so she wouldnt suspect our problems. my cheeks hurt from smiling so much lately. and so when he told me yesterday that he wanted her to stay the whole long weekend (ive been looking forward to having a 4 day break by myself) - i blew up at him yesterday and all my hurt and anger came pouring out. my frsutrations with our marriage etc. now he is upset and angry and i have no doubt that he wont be home tonight. and so im here - happy enough to have a quiet house again despite my upset and i am left wondering....i know its right to go - sooner the better - but if you have read this far and have been in a similar situation i want to know - how did you make yourself walk out on someone you love? its so hard to listen to the brain and not the heart. i love him but i am really miserable - and i know i will be more miserable when i go (for a while) - but he makes me feel that i am to blame for it all. true or not its not a healthy situation to live in is it?

anyhoo, i hope this message finds you in better health and spirits! would appreciate any advice and im sorry for the lack of punctuation but to be honest, i just couldnt be bothered.

 

 

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