RuralProblems Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I posted a while back about my (suspected) cheating wife: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74298/ Well.... I cannot catch her. I've monitored her travel (GPS), phone conversatoins (land line only), computer (just the last few weeks), put a recorder in the car... nothing specific. All of the signs are there - she hasn't worn her wedding ring in a couple of years (started wearing an Irish wedding ring right after, then nothing at all for the last couple of months), more sexually adventurous (but won't let me see her naked any more), more moody than usual, protective of her cell phone (lots of unusual calls but not day after day - more on that later), she now spends a load of money ($80 or more) every month on cosmetics and buys new clothes an awful lot for someone who doesn't work outside of the house, and lots more - virtually ALL of the items in the various "online checklists for infidelity" fit her. The cell phone bills show calls to a restaurant in the big town near us where she goes for overnight stays once a month or so for business (a REALLY part time job). That wouldn't be too odd on its own, except some of the calls are 10 to 37 minutes in duration. I tried to trick her by asking if anyone she knows works in a restaurant (I had a good reason / cover for asking this which I can't get into) and she said no. Hmmm. My primary local suspect is interesting. Their biweekly meeting is cancelled whenever there's going to be someone else in the small (mostly one person) office. This guy is usually the only person there because it's a small charity outfit. I got the guts to put a recorder in her purse for one of those trips and she left the purse in the car (Damn!). I think she's even smarter than I think she is about when to use her cell phone (knowing that I'm VERY technically literate, and may now suspect that I'm onto her). I know that she called the restaurant from outside the car on the way there once, because I have a recording indicating that the car was stopped for 10 minutes while this call happened. Geez - what do I do now? I'd believe that I'm paranoid if I didn't have so many damned indications (including underwear testing positive for semen when they damned well shouldn't). Any suggestions? I want out of this relationship, but not if she gets the kids (see previous thread linked above). And I found out that I live in a state where the affair means nothing regarding D. But I want to catch her and throw her out in an attempt to force the issue (her Mom would be p*ssed as hell at her - I know her - she would be completely on my side, believe it or not). There's a strong possibility that she'd be quite happy getting rid of the kids, I think, but I don't know that for sure. Thanks in advance for your indulgence and suggestions. Go ahead and call be paranoid, berate me for invasion of privacy or being a psycho for testing the underwear if you must. I can take it. But I hope someone can give me some guidance based on past experience.
target-d Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Wow - if all of this is just to get the kids, and you think that maybe she doesn't want the kids, why not sit her down and talk to her like an adult? Doing the sneaky thing isn't good for either of you, or the kids. You probably ought to talk to a lawyer and find out exactly what you need to do to encourage the courts to give you custody, but some women really don't want the kids, but rather bow to social pressure (you must be a baaaaddd woman if you don't want custody of your kids!!!). Anyway, good luck to you. (so far as i know, catching your wife won't ensure that you get your kids -- at least not in any states I know of)
ImWithHer Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Why, exactly, did you say you wanted to catch her so badly for? To "Force the issue"? For what purpose? To work things out? You've already looked into divorce. You have a mountain of circumstantial evidence. Either confront her directly with what you have (if you do want to work things out), or just divorce her and save yourself the drama.
carmaenforcer Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Take this from some one that was being cheated on and knew it but could not catch her. Although I didn't even really try as much as you have. I don't know if my cheating girlfriend was stupid or I just got lucky but I found several incliminating texts on her phone and even a hicky once. What I was going to say was that they always slip, but it seems like you have really tried, HARD, and found almost nothing. Oh yeah except for the semen in her undies. HELLO!!! Do you live in the US, if so maybe you can call CHEATERS the TV show and they wil without a doubt find her out, or if not just hire a private investigator. Problem solved. You know what though, with all the energy you've put into finding her cheating you could have just been doing it your self and call it even. But that's just me.
Grizzly Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 If you need to find out bad enough, shop for private investigators in your city. A low tech one will do because you need someone to follow her around when you feel your wife might be particularly interested in doing something devious. Failing that, ask a couple of friends to help you follow her.
Author RuralProblems Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 A little clarification is in order. Right - I should just see a lawyer and save myself the drama. I'm kind of heading in that direction. The problem is - it would be a BAD thing for her to get the kids. Their mental health is in my hands. BUT.... given our current circumstances, she would probably be considered by the courts to be the primary caregiver (it's about all she does around here). And I've had to work 50+ hour weeks for some time on a project. The personalities come into play. She thinks I'm cheating (I'm not). So she may be having a retaliatory affair or two. I can embarass her into leaving, and I think she'd probably opt for just leaving if I can corner her (particularly when her relative get ahold of her). I'll take a lie detector test or go to palm readers or whatever she wants (long story) to prove that I'm innocent. That would give me better odds than the courts right now I think. And, I'll admit - there's a bit of me that wants some revenge (there - I've said it) by catching her red-handed.
Sup Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Hmmm. You said you can't find a PI? Ask your Lawyer about some good PIs I'm sure they might know some..... for investgative purposes of course, I mean THEY must have to use them from time to time. Don't give in to her now, Hmmmm.... The town or city that she goes to may have a PI if the Lawyer don't have any clue about where to find one, they may only require a picture of her. I hope that helps. It may be better to blind side her this way she probably wont see THAT coming.
zarathustra Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 where I come from I hear you need to spend minimum 5-7K on a pi.
TeaCooler Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 BUT.... given our current circumstances, she would probably be considered by the courts to be the primary caregiver (it's about all she does around here). And I've had to work 50+ hour weeks for some time on a project. you rude thing. and boo-hoo. you're obsessed with this, and it's becoming unhealthy. you don't have to catch her to leave her when you KNOW she's cheating. grow up and find a new hobby.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Better yet why not marriage counseling?? It seems the two of you don't communicate, at all. If you can't find a PI then borrow a friends car and get a sitter one of her nights she's going out or to work. Then follow her yourself in your friends car. Then you'll find out what you need to know I suspect. By the way, she could be buying calling cards and using those to call. They wouldn't be traceable.
Author RuralProblems Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 OK. I'm willing to admit that I've become obsessed with this. I had believed (until an initial consultation recently) that proving this infidelity would help my case, but now know that it won't. I became obsessed with this while thinking it would help, and couldn't let it go. Now I will. I unplugged the phone recorder and will uninstall the computer logger soon. So now I have to talk to the lawyer in more detail about her abuse of the children. Anybody who took the time to read my first thread (in November) would know what my real motive here is - to get the kids out of this situation. She won't go to counseling of any sort (her Mom and I have been working on her, but she won't budge - it's "everybody else who's the problem") and my older child started becoming suicidal. I nipped that in the bud by having some long talks with him and taking him out of the house for longer periods of time in order to show him that life can be fun and rewarding (it turns out that he has great natural aptitude for chess - he's won a couple of tournaments). The psychologist said that I really need to get them out of here after talking with him for an hour, but the lawyer thought that I had a really tough case to make. I guess I'll put the room recorder to a different use and record her interactions with the kids. She's sinking deeper and deeper into alchoholism which runs in her family. I just don't know how I can prove that being she drinks mostly here. Thanks... I think you all helped me realize that I need to refocus my efforts, even though I should have realized that after talking to the lawyer. It's really hard for a father to gain primary custody, even though I'm the sole breadwinner, because the perception is that she's the primary caregiver being she doesn't work. If I could get her to take responsibility for her own actions and cut back on the booze, we could make this work, but it just ain't happening. What really stinks is that the kids think this is normal. I've tried to get a glimpse of what their responses would be regarding caregiving, and they think it's Mom. But the psychologist said that mentally abused boys (in particular) will cling to an abusive Mother because they see it as a challenge to try to please her. But as they get older they're starting to just not care any more. The 8 year old will just bounce away happily as she's screaming that he's a "g*ddamned son-of-a-bitch" (she got that last part right).
Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 OK. I'm willing to admit that I've become obsessed with this. I had believed (until an initial consultation recently) that proving this infidelity would help my case, but now know that it won't. I became obsessed with this while thinking it would help, and couldn't let it go. Now I will. I unplugged the phone recorder and will uninstall the computer logger soon. So now I have to talk to the lawyer in more detail about her abuse of the children. Anybody who took the time to read my first thread (in November) would know what my real motive here is - to get the kids out of this situation. She won't go to counseling of any sort (her Mom and I have been working on her, but she won't budge - it's "everybody else who's the problem") and my older child started becoming suicidal. I nipped that in the bud by having some long talks with him and taking him out of the house for longer periods of time in order to show him that life can be fun and rewarding (it turns out that he has great natural aptitude for chess - he's won a couple of tournaments). The psychologist said that I really need to get them out of here after talking with him for an hour, but the lawyer thought that I had a really tough case to make. I guess I'll put the room recorder to a different use and record her interactions with the kids. She's sinking deeper and deeper into alchoholism which runs in her family. I just don't know how I can prove that being she drinks mostly here. Thanks... I think you all helped me realize that I need to refocus my efforts, even though I should have realized that after talking to the lawyer. It's really hard for a father to gain primary custody, even though I'm the sole breadwinner, because the perception is that she's the primary caregiver being she doesn't work. If I could get her to take responsibility for her own actions and cut back on the booze, we could make this work, but it just ain't happening. What really stinks is that the kids think this is normal. I've tried to get a glimpse of what their responses would be regarding caregiving, and they think it's Mom. But the psychologist said that mentally abused boys (in particular) will cling to an abusive Mother because they see it as a challenge to try to please her. But as they get older they're starting to just not care any more. The 8 year old will just bounce away happily as she's screaming that he's a "g*ddamned son-of-a-bitch" (she got that last part right). Is there ANY chance that secret VIDEOTAPING would help? Be better? Or legal? Without her knowledge of course. Might wanna check on the legality of that one. It would be more revealing about the abuse towards the kids. I hope man you get them outta fast!
promod33 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 i thought my wife was cheatting on me and thats why we seperated 6 months later after i was out of the house i caught her on more tha one occassion with her bestfriends husband in to different places about 1 month apart once in the day once at 2 in the morning she would leave work early and leave my kids alone till she got home and same when she went out at night just understand it will fall in your lap when you least expect it to
OzGirl Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Why not tell her you're thinking of quitting your job? Open it up for discussion and talk about looking after the kids with her? Tell her it's just food for thought - see how she reacts to the idea of the $$$ you provide to her lifestyle not being there. She how she reacts to having your company all the time? Why not throw in the line that if you have to downscale the house, etc, to afford it, then so be it... the kids matter more than the $. I bet she gets really angry at the idea, and I wonder if she would go so far as to threaten the marriage in theory if you do that? Ie, actually states she doesn't think she'll stay if you do? Might prove what purpose you and the kids serve to her - are you merely a source of money and lifestyle, or does that 'back to basics' idea make her feel happy with the family environment getting closer? It might help you tap into her feelings about you, and her feelings about her kids. And, being only a discussion, is merely for you to find her feelings out. I don't literally think it's actually a necessary solution. In literal terms, quitting your job could be problematic for you for various, obvious reasons given the circumstances. When does she ring this restaurant? Why not ask her if she wants to go there for dinner and take her there one night, tell her the food's great and you should make it a weekly thing. Take the kids too. The other person might want to see the not-so-glamourous side to what it's like to take kids to a restaurant.... reality check for the other person, too.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Her infidelity is the least of your problems. You should have left her a long time ago and taken the kids out of that abusive environment. You are the only protection that they have. Do you understand that if someone called child protective services that they would more than likely take those kids out of your house, period??
serial muse Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I'll admit I don't know much about court battles over kids, but you have her own mom and a psychiatrist who seem like they'd be willing to go to bat for you to get custody. What does your lawyer think you'll need to do to win that case? If your state is no-fault, all this spying isn't going to make a bit of difference anyway, so your energy and time would be much better spent planning how to win that case, by collecting whatever other information you'll need about how you're a better parent (a second psychiatric opinion, maybe?) or whatever else your lawyer can suggest. My 2 cents.
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