a4a Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 My H is not allowed to have any female friends unless they are incredibly ugly and fat. Like Otter my H works on his own and no females in that line of work. So he only has 1 female friend who is the wife of his friend, however she never calls, they have not spent anytime together since I have been on the scene, and our time for play is so limited we rarely see any friends at this point. As for me having male friends....... 99% of them at one time or another attempted to get in my pants, or were obvious about wanting to. I will not even hang out with them without the presence of my H. As a matter a fact they lose their friendship status as soon as this line is crossed...... too much disrespect for me and towards my H for me to tolerate.
grateful Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 How close is your bf to his female friends? Does he ever see them one-on-one without you? Do you trust him completely or have you ever had doubts? How did you deal with them if you did? I should say straight off that my SO and I have been together more than 6 years and we live together. I'll try to remember back to the beginning. He probably talked to his female friends a few times a week when we met. As we got deeper in, he probably talks to them less - - once or twice a month. But as someone pointed out that happens with both same sex and opposite sex friends. In the beginning, one time I went over to his house and his former FWB was there hanging out, just the two of them. It didn't bother me, I trusted that he wanted to be with me. She and I are acquaintances now and I chat on the phone more often with her than my SO does. He had told me so much about their friendship and why the FWB part ended that I trusted him completely with her. I had no problem with already established friendships. Since we've been together he has also met women that he has become friends with. This is where doubt comes into play, but what I do is ask lots of questions. I can tell from how he talks about them what it is that draws him to them (networking at work, creative similarities, political interests, etc). I also have these kinds of platonic relationships with men so I just contextualize them by imagining the situation reversed (full disclosure: my reason for coming to LS shows where he should have trust issues with me not the other way around - - I almost had an affair, but I've got my head straightened out) Then if they truly establish a friendship I end up meeting them too. If you don't live together, or say, if you're apart for some reason, would you be ok if he had one of his female friends stay over at his place, just the two of them? Or would you be ok if he stayed over with her, just the two of them? I'm asking because these are a couple things I'm trying to deal with now. I don't want to be overbearing with him, but I'm also uneasy about it. My brain is trying to say, "relax," but my gut, which is probably in defensive mode because of my last relationship, is saying, "uh-oh." If my SO went out of town and stayed with a female friend it'd be a non-issue for me. If this were happening in our city, back when we had separate apartments, this would have been a big red flag. Unless there is some reason for it. But it would have to be a good reason (female friend's apt being fumigated) and a good friend (since at least grade school). I think you shoud trust your gut, because this does not sound like an overbearing request to me. I think if he doesn't understand why this is an issue than he is being insensitive. I had male friends from out of town stay with me when we had separate apartments, including ex boyfriends. He was totally cool with it because I tried to include him in all of the plans. He actually begged off hanging out, which showed me how much trust he had in me (ugh - I'm feeling like hell all over again for almost having an affair - how could I do that to such a great guy). Anyway - still wishing you the best with your BF. I think my big tip would be to remain calm, imagine if the situation were reversed what your intentions would be, and as calmly as you can ask lots of questions until you feel comfortable.
grateful Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I doubt I ever will get over it. My trust issues began with my certifiably insane mother, and pretty much went downhill from there. I keep women at arm's length and I think they are, as a rule, pretty delusional. From what I've read, I've surmised that at least the online you is a very smart, compassionate, caring woman trying hard to work on her issues. I can't imagine you'll just leave it at this "I think [women] are, as a rule, pretty delusional." At least I hope you don't neglect working on this issue - - because your training has to tell you it isn't rational to generalize this blantantly, right? Perhaps now isn't the time, but some day.
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 From what I've read, I've surmised that at least the online you is a very smart, compassionate, caring woman trying hard to work on her issues. I can't imagine you'll just leave it at this "I think [women] are, as a rule, pretty delusional." At least I hope you don't neglect working on this issue - - because your training has to tell you it isn't rational to generalize this blantantly, right? Perhaps now isn't the time, but some day. Yeah, probably one day. Not right now, though.
Vertex Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Yeah same goes for guys dating girls who have many guy friends. I've yet to see a case where there wasn't turmoil in that department especially when the girl is stunning.
johan Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I've always worked with women. If I didn't, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know any, and I wouldn't have made friends with them. Similar to Ms. Otter's experience, I found that those friendships always had subtitles I wasn't reading. And they ended. Now, I am friendly with women, but I don't build close friendships with them. For one thing, it's a complication I don't need. For another, women friends invariably start getting on my nerves. If I were a carpenter, it wouldn't be an issue at all. There's a lot to be said for that kind of job. The other side of the coin: friendships with men get on my nerves, too. I reserve most of my patience for girlfriends.
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 And you sound so calm and wise and measured. In contrast, I feel like I'm constantly flailing my arms wildly and running around like a headless chicken. Again … I wish! I didn't inherit the "flailing arm" syndrome from the Italian side of the family, but that headless chicken is alive and well in the pit of my belly, sometimes. I'm an overly cautious burn victim just like a lot of folks, which is why I always move so s-l-o-w when it comes to building relationships. And why I'm quick to blow the whistle or bail if something's too far out of my comfort zone. I keep women at arm's length and I think they are, as a rule, pretty delusional. Otter sounds pretty reasonable to me … probably because I've shared some of her experiences with people. I use to be WIDE open … now I keep everyone at a 'safe' arm's length until I've built a certain comfort and trust level with them. But I must admit, I generally give more tenure to my female friends than I've ever been able to extend to my male buddies or relationship partners. I don't care if my girlfriends are a little 'out there' … but I don't want my boyfriend to be!
grateful Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Otter sounds pretty reasonable to me … probably because I've shared some of her experiences with people. I use to be WIDE open … now I keep everyone at a 'safe' arm's length until I've built a certain comfort and trust level with them. Wow, I thought I was jaded! Not every person (male or female) I've come into contact with has been perfect to me in my life, but either the balance has been more good than bad or I am "delusional" and choose to see it that way. I still disagree that it is reasonable to say that all women are, as a rule, delusional. Just because Otter is female doesn't make it OK to say it. It is generalizing about an entire gender from some bad experiences and not tolerated around her from men (cough*Woggle*cough). I'm not giving her a pass cause she's female.
grateful Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 If I were a carpenter, it wouldn't be an issue at all. There's a lot to be said for that kind of job. Geez... I know carpenters with female friends. I know female carpenters. So what if someone works with only men? There are women at cafes, in the library, at bars and restaurants, at the gym, on the bus, driving the bus, sheesh! Pretty much in all places that there are men there are women, cripes we are all people! If you work with only men and choose to have friends only at your work place that is your decision... not some kind of inevitability.
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Geez... I know carpenters with female friends. I know female carpenters. So what if someone works with only men? There are women at cafes, in the library, at bars and restaurants, at the gym, on the bus, driving the bus, sheesh! Pretty much in all places that there are men there are women, cripes we are all people! If you work with only men and choose to have friends only at your work place that is your decision... not some kind of inevitability. Maybe it's the part of the country I live in but I have never met a female carpenter before. Female construction workers, yeah, ever female roofers, but never a female carpenter. And I don't normally have friendships that begin at random places. Usually if I meet people under those circumstances they think I'm hitting on them. It's not my fault that every single guy I've ever been friends with has hit on me.
SmoochieFace Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 It is generalizing about an entire gender from some bad experiences and not tolerated around her from men (cough*Woggle*cough). I'm not giving her a pass cause she's female. I find this quite funny. Turns out those who rail the most at those who generalise are also guilty of it themselves.
grateful Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 It's not my fault that every single guy I've ever been friends with has hit on me. Hee hee - this line made me want you to caption your avatar "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." (and I'm saying it wouldn't be inaccurate; you are clearly a hottie) You seem like a cool chick - I hope some day you use that fact to recognize there are other cool chicks in the world, even in the female-carptenter-less region you live in.
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I'm sure I would. I've already admitted that this has to do with my trust issues, and everything I write is JMO. Goddamnit.
Author brightskies Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 My H is not allowed to have any female friends unless they are incredibly ugly and fat. :lmao: I wish I could pick my bf's friends like that too. As for me having male friends....... 99% of them at one time or another attempted to get in my pants, or were obvious about wanting to. I will not even hang out with them without the presence of my H. As a matter a fact they lose their friendship status as soon as this line is crossed...... too much disrespect for me and towards my H for me to tolerate. Exact same thing with me. Did you establish all this stuff before you were married or during the course of marriage? And how did you go about it without sounding like an overly jealous gf/Wife?
Author brightskies Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 Yeah same goes for guys dating girls who have many guy friends. I've yet to see a case where there wasn't turmoil in that department especially when the girl is stunning. Did you date a girl like that? How'd you handle all her guy groupies?
Author brightskies Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 I've always worked with women. If I didn't, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know any, and I wouldn't have made friends with them. Similar to Ms. Otter's experience, I found that those friendships always had subtitles I wasn't reading. And they ended. Did you end them because you were in a relationship and it was a problem, or because you just weren't interested? Now, I am friendly with women, but I don't build close friendships with them. For one thing, it's a complication I don't need. For another, women friends invariably start getting on my nerves. The other side of the coin: friendships with men get on my nerves, too. I think I know what you mean. Spending too much time around other people tends to drain me and wears on my nerves, too. Do you tend to enjoy a lot of alone time? Sometimes I don't even want to see my bf --- not because I don't like him, but because I like my alone time. I reserve most of my patience for girlfriends. You've got your priorities straight.
Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I believe this post is very superficial. So you are going to judge a man who has little or no female friends? I used to have a lot of female friends, and most of them are married and moved on now. So I guess that's a character flaw, at least according to some of the women who posted. I also have to say this, if I find a girl I am dating still spends time with her ex boy friend - that is a major red flag!!! I just don't find that acceptable at all. I, personally am in need of a girl friend - not drama. I meet new girls all of the time, but I have found that 95% of them are attached in some way that it would be unacceptable for them to "meet" a new guy as a friend. Their boyfriend usually won't accept that. Not saying I agree with it, just the way it is. I don't feel I am a jealous person either. I have watched my girl dance with other guys, talk to them, etc.... as long as I know who she is going home with I never had problem. As far as respect - I repsect humanity - the gender makes no difference. Most importantly, you must earn my total respect. Think about it peeps
johan Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I believe this post is very superficial. So you are going to judge a man who has little or no female friends? ... ... Think about it peeps I didn't think this post was about judging. It was more about the meaning behind the behavior. I save my harshest judgment for people who use the word "peeps".
Author brightskies Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 I believe this post is very superficial. So you are going to judge a man who has little or no female friends? I used to have a lot of female friends, and most of them are married and moved on now. So I guess that's a character flaw, at least according to some of the women who posted. You're entitled to you opinion, however, "having friends of the opposite sex" wasn't demonized as a character flaw. It's merely one factor amongst many being considered when choosing a compatible mate. Why should it be "superficial" if you can find a partner whose lifestyle and emotional threshold is compatible with yours? This works in favor of the relationship. Everyone has a different threshold. Some people can handle when their SO has lots of opposite sex friends, some people can handle some, some people can handle none. I myself am dating a man who does have them. It would be nice if he had less, or maybe none, only because it's one less stressor for me, as I tend to worry a bit. But it hasn't stopped me from being with him. Naturally, there are other characteristics that rank higher in importance to begin with.
Author brightskies Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 I save my harshest judgment for people who use the word "peeps". :lmao:
johan Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Did you end them because you were in a relationship and it was a problem, or because you just weren't interested? Lack of interest. Usually it was me. I liked them, but when it was clear to me what was really going on, I felt kind of disgusted. After that happened a few times, I became more able to see what was going on before it started. I think I know what you mean. Spending too much time around other people tends to drain me and wears on my nerves, too. Do you tend to enjoy a lot of alone time? Sometimes I don't even want to see my bf --- not because I don't like him, but because I like my alone time. I'm the same way. But I could live with a girlfriend/wife no problem.
BeFree Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I'm like BO, my bf is in construction so he does not work with a lot of women. Therefore, he has no real women friends, but a couple of aquaintances. I never looked for a man with no women friends but I have to say, I really like that he does not have any. It makes me much more relaxed. When he says he is hanging out in the garage with Joe drinkin beer. That's what he is doing, and I never have to wonder. Yes, even in CA you can find men like this. He has a sister,so if he needs girl advice, I guess he would go to her. I don't think men without female friends respect women any less either, my bf has also been very respectful. Like BO, I don't trust women. So this works very well for me. Also, I do think it has a bit to do with the age of a man. My bf is at a point where he just doesn't need female friends. I'm sure when he was younger and out partying, he had a few. But now, he gets his female companionship from me.
westernxer Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I have no female friends. What's the point? Come to think of it, I don't have many male friends either. Furthermore, what exactly is a "friend"? Most straight guys befriend girls to get with 'em or in 'em. It's all about planting seeds. Excuse me for being a guy.
lindya Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Furthermore, what exactly is a "friend"? Where I live, in mediaeval times a friend was someone who would watch your back if you were sentenced to 24 hours in the village square stocks. If you didn't have any friends...well, I'm sure you can imagine the consequences.
westernxer Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Where I live, in mediaeval times a friend was someone who would watch your back if you were sentenced to 24 hours in the village square stocks. Now that is a real friend. For most young people, friendship is about convenience and having a good time, in order to elevate one socially. It's when you get older that you really appreciate the value of friendship. That value is derived from scarcity. I know women who think potential dating partners should have a lot of friends. I'm sure it goes both ways, but regardless, these women will surely be disappointed with me. Considering the amount of hours I spend working, I couldn't care less about maintaining friendships on a superficial level. I'd rather sleep, but that's just me speaking for me. I can't speak for others.
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