almostthere Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I am dating this man would is divorced because his exwife cheated on him. it wasnt only an affair of the sexual sense but also of the heart. they have three wonderful children together and they had a decent life even though he says the last 4 years were tough and he wasnt happy. knowing him the way i do i can bet that he would have still stayed married to her regardless of unhappiness. he is the sort of man likes to work through things and when he has made a commitment he sees it through. In fact i recall one conversation when he said she was the one that asked the divorce. All I can do is assume but during this conversation it almost seemed as though he was willing to try to work through her affair too. However, she cheated on him and asked for the divorce so she could be with the OM. After she got what she wanted from my boyfriend (divorce) the OM said that he could do better then a woman that cheats on her husband. Anyway theres the background...now my question is this... Is it strange that his family still invites her over for Christmas dinner or other family gatherings? And that they still talk to this woman? I mean I know she has been a part of that family for 10 years or whatever but after all she broke his heart and I was always told blood is thicker then water. Me and him decided we will not be attending any gatherings while she is there. We told his family this too. She has been a huge problem for us because since the OM left...now she wants my bf back. and its not going to happen. In fact we had to get a restraining order against her because she went loony on us last weekend. started scratching my bf and trying to convince me that my bf slept with her. we had to call the police on her to make her leave his front lawn. In my experience through my own divorce I dont communicate with any of my ex inlaws at all. They hate me for divorcing their (mentally abusive, lazy, cant hold down a job, lazy father) son. And I really didnt do anything that wrong in our relationship. I mean I added to the problems as he did but we divorced just because we couldnt get along. And finally, obviously the xw and i dont get along. she cannot stand me. and the only reason i cannot stand her is because she slashed my tires and tried to say that my bf slept with her. not to mention telling the children the only reason mommy and daddy arent together is because of me. and the reason they divorced was because daddy cheated on mommy with me. i didnt even know them. I met my bf 1 and 1/2 years after they divorced. never even saw him before. and yes we do tell the children this so they dont hate me anymore then they do because of their mom. Anyway...back to the original question...is it weird that she is still welcome in the family even after cheated on my bf?
tikigods Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I wouldn't think it weird if He and Her where still getting along, and doing things together, but I do find it odd that the family outside of it is still inviting her, unless its only a kid related thing. My parents are divorced and have been for many a year now, but they still get together for holidays, so to me it isn't that odd that divorced people would remain on good terms
Author almostthere Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I wish they did get along. it is frustrating for them to argue so much. Its not a kid issue. She says it is but then confides in his sister that she just wanted to spend christmas one way or another with him...even though i was there!! She calls his sister every day at least once to ask how to get him back. And cry about how much she loves him. my bf has already purposed to me unofficially. he wanted to let me know what he was thinking so he knew if i would accept when he does it for real. sounds strange but it was actually really sweet. we have been looking into buying a house together not just renting. hes completely done with her. its been over a year since they even spent time together. his sister told her as a reply to her question of why wont he come back...she said maybe he is just going through a phase - or - maybe the sex is good. that really upset me. this isnt a phase.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Is she invited over when you are?? More than likely they are just trying to maintain good contact with her because of the grandchildren. My husband's mother is fabulous to me, I adore her. Yet she maintains a friendship with my husband's exwife because they have a child together. (she cheated and was pregnant by om before their divorce) My MIL thinks the sun rises and sets in that child and spends alot of time with him. She will actually go and pick the kid up and take him to the doctor during his exwife's time and stuff like that. Not to benefit her, but to benefit the child. Yes, she dislikes her for what she did to my husband but she puts that aside for the child's benefit. It takes a BIG person to be able to do that. I actually think that's the best situation for everyone. I'm not jealous of the situation because I know it's for the child. It's good for everyone to get along. In my situation my exinlaws can't stand to be around me. The divorce was both of our faults, not just mine but it's hard for them to see it. I was married a LONG time but they are still not over the divorce. I would prefer if we could all get along for the sake of the kids, and I try but they aren't accepting my advances just yet. I hope eventually we can all move on and just do what's best for the kids. I think though that your inlaws shouldn't discuss your relationship with her, period. Your bf should tell them that while he understands they don't want to burn bridges it's disrespectful for them to discuss his relationship behind his back. They need to cut her off- his sister included- when she starts that kind of talk. If they stop giving into it it will stop.
Larrry Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 From my experience, I would have to say your situation is weird. My ex divorce me after having fell in love with a married coworker and cheating on me. I am a great father and was a faithful husband. I tried to get her to work on things but she wouldn't have any part of it. My ex's OM dropped her, but she didn't try to come back. She moved on to someone 15 years younger after that. My family, aunts uncles, cousins (parents are gone) won't even speak to her if they see her in public. On the other hand, her family is still very nice to me, and they've expressed their dissapointment in my ex's behavior and wished things were different now. The behavior of your boyfriend's family doesn't jive with the information he's given you. Actions speak louder than words. Therefore I tend to suspect that he is being less than honest with you about the details of his divorce. Let's look at the facts today. 1. His ex still loves him. 2. His family still includes her in functions. It definitely looks like they are taking her side. Have you seen his divorce papers? Who filed? Good luck.
alphamale Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Anyway...back to the original question...is it weird that she is still welcome in the family even after cheated on my bf? she is still the mother of his children and his family is forced to be nice to her. in addition, she will always be part of your b/f's life so get used to it or go find another b/f.
Author almostthere Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I am used to it by now. I understand she will always be around just as my exh and i have two children and he will always be around. I just wish she would stop her foolishness. And she wants him to come over and work on her car and do this and that. well, in my divorce i ask friends and my family for help...not my ex. not because we dont get along, we have a friendship but because its not his job anymore so to say. They arent really inviting her to maintain relations with the mother of his children. His family sees his kids all the time. His mom passed away 5 years ago almost and his dad is there and has them spend the night once a month. But my bf brings them over to grandpas all the time. they (and i guess i should say they as in two of his three sisters) invited her because she had no where else to go until her side got together later that evening. i have been divorced 4 years now and most holidays before my bf i spent alone without my kids while my ex took them to his family's side. then i will pick them up and go to my side. we share holidays i get them christmas morning because they live with me and then he picks them up at 10am and i dont get them back til 430 pm. and i am alone in that time. no one even talks to her while she is there and on christmas she walked around literally crying at the dinner table with us all around her eating because she wasnt with him anymore. if she could be adult about things i would have no problem with her being there. its just that shes trying to break us apart like this is some high school relationship. shes 10 years older them me but acts like shes 13. shes been divorced before and had a failed attempt at engagment before she married my bf. you would almost think she knows how this works by now. i dont know. i dont have any problems with her there i just wish she wouldnt act this way. im not doing anything wrong. I do believe those are the reasons for the divorce because his exw has admitted it in front of me. i am not saying my bf was perfect we all have our faults but everyone i have talked to friend or family tell the same story. she is mentally unstable (im not being mean she is manic depressive) so i try to have patience with her and understand her pain because i have gone through these feelings myself. but i am not going to ruin a great relationship over feeling badly for her. he doesnt want to go back anyway. so it would be pointless for me to leave.
alphamale Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 she is mentally unstable (im not being mean she is manic depressive) so i try to have patience with her the majority of people with bipolar disorder are fairly stable as long as they take their medications and see their Dr. regularly.
Author almostthere Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Alpha i understand that to be somewhat true. however my best friend was bipolar and up and down ten times a day. he was on three meds for it. nothing seemed to balance him. she has these outbursts. quiet for a week or two then insane for a few days. shes calmed down a lot since me and my bf arent living together anymore and she doesnt see me anymore. but she continues to ask still "is SHE there?!" really snotty. who cares if i am. i have been with him for a year now. i get over to his dads after she has gone already. we decided to move back to our parents homes to save money for a house...no other reason incase anyone is wondering. cant save while you pay rent. i dont know. i guess i am lucky that things run so smoothly between my xh and me. but it wasnt always like that. takes work and understanding and letting go.
Curmudgeon Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 It sounds like she's an extremely rapid cycler which some bipolars are. As to your original question, as Alpha said, she's the mother of the children so their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. will likely maintain some relationship with her. I'm still in touch with my former mother-in-law. She's my childrens' only living grandparent, I've known her since I was six and I was married to her daughter for 25 years. We have a very nice relationship and she gets along well with and really likes my wife. The rest of the ex's family, the extended one (about 40 people) dropped me like a hot rock when we divorced even though I'd known them and spent a lot of time with them for 25 years but that's OK. I understand.
alphamale Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 The rest of the ex's family, the extended one (about 40 people) dropped me like a hot rock when we divorced even though I'd known them and spent a lot of time with them for 25 years but that's OK. I understand. yeah, isn't it funny how people take sides in a situation like his? this is when you find out that blood really is thicker than water.
Shania Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I don't know, guys..I guess I'm kind of on the fence on this one. I know that keeping contact is good for the kids in a way, but if it's allowing his ex to become enraged and do things such as slash your tires, start rumors, and bad mouth this man's girlfriend.....then maybe her being in family outings is too much of an open door for her to do these things. Add to that her being mentally unbalanced..sounds like it might be more trouble than his ex is worth having around. I could see it if she was NOT doing the things she's doing and is 'encouraging' a healthy relationship between her kids and her ex's new girlfriend..but I sure don't see that happening. Maybe the more the family invites her, it's giving her the idea that she's welcome...and she's overextending the welcome by doing the sick things she is....she cheated, she should own up to it. STOP the rumors of her ex being the one that cheated...deal with her guilt of losing this man and move on. Sounds like she needs a man of her own to be with then she wouldn't have so much time on her hands to go out and slash tires. It's amazing that when someone cheats and loses their partner, then they somehow think they can distort any new relationship their partner gets into by telling lies. I think your ex needs to sit this woman down and tell her unless she stops her stuff, she more than likely won't be at family gatherings, for if you are an important part of his life, and possibly some day might marry him..he will stand up for you in that way. I dealt with the same thing in my marriage..a disgruntled ex who cheated and couldn't understand why her husband divorced her...then married me 3 years later. She made my life a living hell..he overlooked almost all of it, and I could take no more. I'm now divorced due to the issues never resolving themselves. All I wanted was to see him stand up for me...to help me feel I was important in his life. And, it seemed he was more inclined to not deal with his ex..thought it AND her would just go away...she didn't, but I sure did. Good luck to you in this. It shouldn't be that hard of a situation..for the kids deserve to have their parents get along. BUT...there was a divorce here..that means the family is no longer intact. There has to be a degree of seperation...it's only fair in order to move ahead. If an ex has to be so included in family life, maybe there should have never been a divorce in the first plact...just my .02.
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