ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Hi again all.... I am soooooo sad right now... As a lot of you know, for years and years have had massive issues with my nutty mom and guilt producing parents...I am 27 and married for 3 1/2 years to an awesome guy... Because of all the pressure by my parents and stress I experienced with them, I always felt like I never quite "grew up" and wanted to just run away from them. I pushed my husband that him and I move to another state (midwest...We live on the east coast now.) because I thought we have had so many years of stress living near my parents...Maybe we need to get away and restart...I pushed him to seek a promotion through his company in the other state. He wasnt that enthusiastic about moving but pursued it for me. He got it... Which was great, except suddenly I realized it wouldnt be that easy for me to get a job (I am an attorney) at the same level I have now, and my salary would probably drop big time in turn actually hurting us financially. I didnt think about this so much when I pushed him for it...Also, I realized we would have to be apart for a long period of time until I found a job while he started there... BAsically, I hadnt considered the practicality of the situation... So after pushing him, I freaked...He also agreed that maybe it wasnt the most practical decision we made... So he turned down the promotion after getting it, by saying there was a family issue and he could no longer relocate. His boss understood and said "no problem. The next promotion that comes up here is yours." So my husband thought, OK, nothing gained nothing lost....And he also said we would just have to develop a different attitude towards my folks... Well, his boss told him this, but apparently the director (though he also said it was OK) was not so pleased... And told my hjusband's boss when the next position came up to give it to another guy who was considering leaving the company... But the guy left anyways...Basically, now it is possible that he wouldnt get the next promotion because he turned down the other one in the other state even though he was assured it wouldnt be a problem... My husband was doing so well at work and was so happy with his job...I feel like I completely ruined it all for him...Pushing him to pursue this..Then backing out... Now I feel like we should hvae gone...Two weeks after he tiurned it down I got calls for a couple interviews out there. I feel like it might have been much better for us to just have gone...I feel so awful. Like I messed him up...I love him so much, but due to my confusion and stress because of my parents, I just screwed him up...I just feel awful. Messing up the person I love so much. Now he is all bummed cause of work...I hate seeing him bummed. I mean, here he was, promoted to management, and he turned it down, and God knows if the promotion would come up again... Sometimes, I hate myself... Hate myself and hate my life and what I do... I WANTED us to be happier after years of stress which is why I pushed for us to go even though itw asnt practical. THen I freaked...And in turn I messed up my husband and myself..I feel awful...And yesterday my husband heard that they offered the position out there to someone else... I just wanna punch myself... I wish I wasnt the way I am...I am going to therapy. Any advice would be appreciated...
catgirl1927 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 You really need to gain some independence from your parents. Their instability is rubbing off on you. You are putting your husband through this roller coaster because that's what you mother enjoys doing to people, which I KNOW is not what you want. Therapy is a good start. There's nothing you can do to change the past, but you can learn from this...
glittergurl Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Hey, actually this is a great lesson you learned. Next time you know you have to plan these things well, and look at every possible aspect. I know it looks like a big deal now, but I'm sure it's not that bad. I mean, it's not like he got fired. Just wasted a promotion, and maybe the next one .... but that's not sure; who knows, maybe he will get a promotion later. Companies change and evolve, time passes, etc. Maybe even a better oportunity will show up from another company. Really, who knows? The worst you have right now is that your situation is exactly the same as it was before. And that's not that bad, is it? Just think it could have been way worse. Plus, you made a mistake which you know you won't make again.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 My situation is the same...For him, he was a "shining star" at work, and now the director kind of thinks he was this confused guy who didnt know what he wanted... Its my fault...I really feel bad... I want to make things better for him if not for myself...I love him so much... He is the last person I want to hurt...Really... But I feel like I messed him up.. Sometimes i feel like I dont even deserve him and he'd be better off without me... I think he was actually happy before I came into his life... Unlike me who has never really been happy...Growing up was awful. Parents fought and fights turned physical. COllege was awful cause mom put me through hell... And then got married where things have never been "normal" cause of outside stress... That was my reason for wanting to get away and restart. and I screwed that up too... I am the most pathetic individual alive..Seriously, I am.
catgirl1927 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 My situation is the same...For him, he was a "shining star" at work, and now the director kind of thinks he was this confused guy who didnt know what he wanted... Its my fault...I really feel bad... I want to make things better for him if not for myself...I love him so much... He is the last person I want to hurt...Really... But I feel like I messed him up.. Sometimes i feel like I dont even deserve him and he'd be better off without me... I think he was actually happy before I came into his life... Unlike me who has never really been happy...Growing up was awful. Parents fought and fights turned physical. COllege was awful cause mom put me through hell... And then got married where things have never been "normal" cause of outside stress... That was my reason for wanting to get away and restart. and I screwed that up too... I am the most pathetic individual alive..Seriously, I am. Did you type that or was it your mom? This is exactly what she wants for you. She probably wants you to get rid of him so she'll have you all to herself to torture. Get your butt in therapy NOW. Don't let her do this to you.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 You need to see a therapist, seriously. You have some pathological levels of guilt, self-doubt, insecurity, and self-blame. I totally understand, but at some point you have to DO something about all this, instead of continually being upset and not doing anything. You seem paralyzed into inaction out of fear. That's a sad life to live. If you continue to do this, those around you who were intially supportive will get tired and just drop out of your life.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Blind otter, I know...I want to change this....I dont want to mess more people up. I just feel like I despise myself due to my actions. I dont want to mess my husband up...I dont want to mess our marriage up...And I feel like I screwed us up quite badly. I am seeing a therapist but I feel like she doesnt know what kind of advice to give me...
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Blind otter, I know...I want to change this....I dont want to mess more people up. I just feel like I despise myself due to my actions. I dont want to mess my husband up...I dont want to mess our marriage up...And I feel like I screwed us up quite badly. I am seeing a therapist but I feel like she doesnt know what kind of advice to give me... Get a new therapist, hun. The one you have is not really working out, obviously. You need to let go of all this focusing on s*** that is outside of yourself. Focus on YOU. Where are you right now, emotionally, mentally? Where do you want to BE? What is your goal, how would you LIKE to be able to handle things? This is not about your husband, your mother, your father, your friends. This is about YOU. What do you need to do for you? Take a step back. Take some deep breaths. Look in the mirror. This woman is crying out for help - the child that you once were was crying out for help. Stop looking everywhere else, and look at yourself.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Blind otter, I feel like life is just passing me by.... Day after day... I wanted to move cause I wanted a fresh change and start...Out of the fear of being unemployed after paying too much and working too hard for my education, I messed that up. I just feel like where i am at in life is NOT where I should be...I feel like i have never "lived".... Its funny but no one who met me would think I am this messed up. Here i am, a young married attorney doing pretty well in that aspect. People would think I am so put together...But yet, I feel like I am falling to pieces. I am sorry. Maybe this is not he board to post all this in... Some days I pick myself up, and am like "I need to be positive! Things are good!" and somedays I feel like I am shattering, and ask "Is this all there is to life? Is this how it will always be??" I dont know what I need...I am not sure... But years of misery has caught up with me...I probably sound like a big babbling baby... I dont tell my friends this stuff anymore cause I dont want to drive them away... I dont tell my husband cause I want him to be happy and not bogged down... I just started therapy two weeks ago...
catgirl1927 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Blind otter, I feel like life is just passing me by.... Day after day... I wanted to move cause I wanted a fresh change and start...Out of the fear of being unemployed after paying too much and working too hard for my education, I messed that up. I just feel like where i am at in life is NOT where I should be...I feel like i have never "lived".... Its funny but no one who met me would think I am this messed up. Here i am, a young married attorney doing pretty well in that aspect. People would think I am so put together...But yet, I feel like I am falling to pieces. I am sorry. Maybe this is not he board to post all this in... Some days I pick myself up, and am like "I need to be positive! Things are good!" and somedays I feel like I am shattering, and ask "Is this all there is to life? Is this how it will always be??" I dont know what I need...I am not sure... But years of misery has caught up with me...I probably sound like a big babbling baby... I dont tell my friends this stuff anymore cause I dont want to drive them away... I dont tell my husband cause I want him to be happy and not bogged down... I just started therapy two weeks ago... Give your therapy some time, when you're getting over a lifetime of abuse it's going to take more than a few sessions. The thing you have to do, which is REALLY hard, is to completely let go of the victim mentality. You come by it honestly, your mother spent years teaching you to be powerless so she could control you. Now you have to say to yourself, bad stuff happened to me, but the rest of my life is MINE and I cannot waste it mourning the years I lost or I'll lose the rest of it.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I feel so trapped by my surroundings...Like my life is SO not what I wanted it to be...I am not what I wanted to be... Liek I am living someone else's life... Its weird... And each day I find myself regretting us not moving away and getting a "fresh start" and me possibly getting a new lease and perspective on life...Its like I am carrying this huge load on my shoulders that I cant get off... I dont know if this is the right place to vent but here I am..
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 In AA I learned that there is a difference between venting, and sitting on your pity pot feeling sorry about yourself. The difference is this - everyone has a reason to feel bad, everyone has horrible things in their life. Some are worse than others. You can sit there and dwell on it, or you can focus on what you need to do to get through your day, hour by hour, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. The thing about not moving -- why are you still dwelling on that?!? It's over, there's nothing that can be done now. Acknowlegde it and LET IT GO.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Hi Blind Otter, I dont know if I feel sorry for myself or am just plain angry at myself. Anwyays, I realize I need to stop dwelling on things and move forward instead of looking backward... I do good with that somedays and other days I just fall right back...
Mz. Pixie Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think he needs to explain to his boss that he's sorry he turned down the promotion but it was something personal going on at home with his wife that caused him to make the decision. That should help smooth things out a bit. He could also add "I'd be honored if I was given consideration again and I wouldn't be so indecisive next time"
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Ms. Pixie, I suggested that. But his boss told him what he was telling him about the director's opinion was confidential and his boss just suggested he stay put and not say anything right now... I hate seeing him bummed like this though...
mental_traveller Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 My advice is to stop "pushing" your husband. You made a mistake and now he is suffering the consequences. You should now try to accommodate his desires & wishes instead of foisting your own hidden agenda on him. I think you were well-intentioned, but you make a bad move - you should let your husband take the reins more and stop trying to "influence" him on key decisions. Work on improviing your own state of mind & get to a more healthy position before going back to equal decision-making in the marriage IMO.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Hi Mental Traveller, You are right...I mean, even now I am thinking "Damn we should have taken that opportunity. It would have been great!" Again, more thinking of ME. I need to stop thinking of me, and focus on him...I just had way too much crap from my mom...I mean, its weighed down on me, but I need to get over it and change my attitude towards her and give HIM the most importance and focus...This will take time for me...
Kenyth Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Don't beat yourself up too much here. OK, so you made a mistake. You made a bad decision. Everyone makes them all the time. You chalk it up to experience, make your apoloigies, and move on. It's not the end of the world. Life has plenty of opportunity for intelligent people willing to work hard. One thing you have to remember in the future is that your parents have already made their own life, it's time for you to make yours. Your family unit consists primarily of you, your spouse, and your kids. You have to make decisions primarily based on what's good for your family at that level. Parents and siblings come second to that.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 HI, THanks for the advice... Just haveing such a hard time getting over my misery...I keep thinking, "What IF we have moved?" Why didnt we?? Why did I freak out when its what I wanted for SOOO long?? How could I get the opportunity and give it up?? ARGH!! The thooughts are driving me NUTS!! I need to stop!! Its like I am scared to just be happy where I am, cause I think that happiness will be taken away from me again... I know I just sounds like I am whining and complaining, but for real, I am having a terrible time with this...
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 My husband and I went to NY over the weekend, and he was sweet enough to ask my parents to come with us. Mom was so happy that we asked. They couldnt go though. So today, I sent her an email (which I do every morning!) to say hi howz it going? Just a general email and she responds, "well, looks like we have nothing to talk about." I mean, she is SOOO moody. One day she is thrilled because we asked her to go with us and one day again complaining of how we have nothing to talk about. Now, when I talk with her, she will have that "guilty" making voice. I cant stand it...As much as I want to learn to ignore, I CANT!! She AFFECTS me!!!!! A LOT!!! And my brother living across the country is a perfect angel!!! The one who comes home once a year! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS!!!! And I cant tell my husband this. He will be sooo pissed off that I cant just get over this!!! ARGHHHH!! SHE DRIVES ME NUTS AND IT SCARES ME TO THINK I HAVE TO BE NEAR HER FOREVER!!!
slinkysu Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Time for some straight talking You need to get up off your pity pot right now! Stop wallowing and STOP the 'what if's?' Who cares what your life would have been like if......? Your life is what it is and you are missing it. You say you want to change your life - then do so. The only person with the power to change you is you. You have the ability to be the person you wish and have the life you wish but YOU have to change yourself. you want to be stronger? Then stop wimping out when making decisions! Want to stop being upset by your mother? Stop allowing her to bother you. Take a step back or when she next sends an email stating that "you have nothing to talk about" write back " on the contrary - i went to NYC this weekend and did blah blah blah - what did you get up to?" You are only a victim if you allow yourself to be and no doubt that will be what your therapist tells you. Get over your past - forgive yourself and move on. If you mother continues to annoy you - stop talking to her! You don't have to talk to her if she upsets you. You are a 27 year old woman - you know by now what your mother's character is like. She isn't going to change so accept that this is how she is and be prepared for her reactions, which you will over-react to, and instead of seething - laugh at the idiosyncracies of life. Your husband is clearly a patient and loving man - you must have many amazing qualities for someone so special to love you as he clearly does. Take strength in that and start making the changes you want. you are allowing yourself to be a slave to your pity and needless guilt - get off the pity pot and start living. May sound harsh, but it's a cold slap of common sense and hopefully you will take it in the manner which it is intended, and that is to be helpful to you. Good luck.
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 19, 2006 Author Posted April 19, 2006 Wow...Thanks guys....You ARE right. I DO need to get off my pity pot...I will try at least for HIS sake. Well, my husband came home yesterday and was completely bummed because he keeeps getting crap at work for turning down that promotion in the other state...He was assured if he turned it down, the next one here was his anyways... Well, now looks like that may not be the case...The fact that he turned that down seems to have reflected negatively on him at work... I feel so bloody responsible for it too... I mean, because of me being so consumed by my parents I pushed him to pursue it, then freaked cause of my job situation, and then we decided to back out of it... At least before, he was confident at work... He was doing REALLY well and had a great rep...Now, he is bummed cause he may not even get the promotion and people keep making comments to him... The person I love the MOST and I mean the MOST in this world, and I messed him up... I feel awful. I know its my fault.... I wish I could go back and act differently...I at least need to act differently now for HIM. Man, I love that guy... I REALLY do... I just cant believe that I messed him up and didnt realize it COULD potentially mess his work up... That was not at ALL my intention... I at least need to change for him now....
slinkysu Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 How are things going for you now? I didn't mean to be overly harsh with my first post, but I do recognise a lot of bad habits that I have been trapped in in the past which i see in your posts. Guilt is such a pointless emotion. It serves no one and helps no one but can really cripple you if you allow it. The best way i can get round this is to banish the words "right" and "wrong" from the dictionary! If you believe from now on that there is no right or wrong you will never be wrong again and therefore can not suffer from guilt. From now on just tell yourself that there are only "choices" and "consequences". YOU have the power in your hands to make the CHOICES in your life and then live with the CONSEQUENCES. Some choices come with good consequences, some with bad. But never - NEVER, are your choices wrong. You really need to start releasing yourself from the crippling guilt you give yourself. You really do hold the power in your own hands to make your life better - but you won't ever be able to use that power if you paralyse yourself needlessly with guilt. For your own personal well being you need to try and just accept the choices you make in life and live with the consequences. Don't play the What If game because that goes on for ever. Instead just make sure whenever you start feeling guilty again to stop yourself and say - i don't feel guilt. I made a choice and i'll live with the consequence. I'm not saying it is easy but soon you will get used to knowing that there is no right or wrong and hopefully that will lead you to stop feeling guilty for everything, which in turn should help you appreciate the little things more and feel a little more relaxed with the decisions you make and hopefully make you little less confused. As for your mother - when she winds you up make the choice to either allow her to continue or for you to walk away. You have the power in your own hands to deal with this. Good luck
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 Thanks for checking in...I dont know how I am doing. I cheer myself up one day and the next I am really down...Yesterday was one of those days where I was really down... My husband and I have started looking at houses to buy since we are staying here... So my husband had the idea that we should buy something reaso0nable for now, and also invest elsewhere, perhaps buying property in INdia. The thought of this freaked me out ONLY because I know my parents would flip if I said we were buying property in India. They think they are advising but in fact are overbearing and forceful. They have this thing of "Make sure everything is in BOTH of your names." and all this stuff... They trust no one. They think he will take everything and run away. If we buy stuff in India it cant be in both ouir names because I am not an Indian citizen. HE is. So they would freak and I know what you will say. Why does it affect me?? around them I feel like a child. Even yesterday we met them, and showed them the place here we are interested in. So they liked it but when my mom was alone with me she is like 'Well, make sure it has both of your names on it. Blah blah..I am your mom so I worry.' THen I was like I want wooden flooring. She is like "No dont do that. Its awful." Yesterdya I get a call at night with mom saying "We like the place. We think you should make an offer..." OK, there is advising and BUTTING IN. And if you tell them they are butting in, next thing you know someone is in the hospital again. I really get depressed thinking I have to live around them...I mean, I cant just cut them off. Like I said, there are cultural boundaries here... BUt it SOOOO depresses me and scares me, and I DONT want to be around them. I feel like I am this controlled child... I HATE that feeling. And my husband gets aggrvataed wondering why I am depressed...And I cant even tell him. He will get MORE aggravated... I feel like I am just falling into a black hole sometimes. I am not even trying to be dramatic. I really feel this way. I really try to pick myself up and fall right back down...
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