Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 This won't make sense unless you are a Facebook user, but the main question is one of logic here. Was I wrong?: My girlfriend and I are "together"ish but not official due to confusion on her part, but she stopped saying she loves me, stopped emailing/texting me, etc. On Facebook we were engaged in a poke-war (where you send a message simply saying "You've been poked by such and such") which is an easy way to flirt on Facebook, but after a while she stopped poking back... then I wake up this morning and find that I had been defriended and she had resent a confirmation request to be my friend. Now, before this we had "Friend details" that describe how people are related to each other. We had a bunch of stuff in our details like "Are dating, lived together, hooked up, etc" but defriending clears those details. My first reaction was, "she wanted to clear those details... another sign of pulling away." So I had a conversation with her when I woke up: Me: you deriended me?? (Ex?)Girlfriend: o (Ex?)Girlfriend: *no (Ex?)Girlfriend: i didn't do it (Ex?)Girlfriend: i tried to poke you and you weren't there Me: what? (Ex?)Girlfriend: i didn't defriend you! Me: yes you did Me: You have a friend request awaiting confirmation. To confirm, click here. (Ex?)Girlfriend: well accidentally then because i didn't consciously do it (Ex?)Girlfriend: did you read the message Me: what (Ex?)Girlfriend: that came with the request Me: ? (Ex?)Girlfriend: nevermind Me: what message (Ex?)Girlfriend: when you request to be someone's friend it gives you space to write something (Ex?)Girlfriend: it doesn't matter Me: what dd you say? (Ex?)Girlfriend: that it was a glitch or something (Ex?)Girlfriend: i MIGHT have accidentally pressed the wrong thing when i was trying to poke you Me: i dont believe you, but i know why you did it anyway (Ex?)Girlfriend: wtf (Ex?)Girlfriend: ? (Ex?)Girlfriend: why did i do it? (Ex?)Girlfriend: what would be the point of defriending you and friending you again Me: there is like Me: no poke option near a defriend option (Ex?)Girlfriend: yea it is (Ex?)Girlfriend: like if you search for someone's name (Ex?)Girlfriend: "Remove" and poke are near each other (Ex?)Girlfriend: i don't know why you are making such a big deal out of this (Ex?)Girlfriend: but if you want to be suspicious and reject me, fine (Ex?)Girlfriend: i have to go to class Me: i think you wanted to clear the friend details (Ex?)Girlfriend: then why wouldn't i just change them? (Ex?)Girlfriend: you know what (Ex?)Girlfriend: you're exactly the same as always (Ex?)Girlfriend: untrusting Me: no (Ex?)Girlfriend: f*** this (Ex?)Girlfriend: bye Me: ii find it really hard to believe you defriended me on accident (Ex?)Girlfriend: then do you want to have a bigger conversation than this deserves? Me: no Me: but the process for poke and defriend are really different Me: did you honestly make a mistake? (Ex?)Girlfriend: no they're not (Ex?)Girlfriend: they both have a confirmation Me: ok (Ex?)Girlfriend: people don't read confirmations anymore! Me: lol (Ex?)Girlfriend: but no (Ex?)Girlfriend: i am not excusing you for the fact that you dont' trust me (Ex?)Girlfriend: and you wanted to throw a hissy fit about this Me: it's not a hissy fit Me: it's just a strange action (Ex?)Girlfriend: all the stupid little things and you want to make them into big testaments Me: wanted to as what was up Me: *ask (Ex?)Girlfriend: i told you what was up and you point blank said you didn't believe me Me: the processes were differnet Me: usually you can just poke thru profiles or whatever (Ex?)Girlfriend: but you don't have to go into profiles to poke Me: and i didnt get any message Me: what? Me: isnt like Me: there a poke thing in profiles (Ex?)Girlfriend: yea but (Ex?)Girlfriend: i was going through my friend list (Ex?)Girlfriend: you know what i'm not going to sit here and justify s*** to you (Ex?)Girlfriend: i'm angry and i'm leaving Me: remove is like two notches above poke though, it just seemed odd Me: and the confirm boxes look totally different for each option Me: it's not an out of the question question Me: you always got mad when someone defriended you Me: i mean, facebook glitch? those dont happen Me: i mean Me: (Ex?)Girlfriend: i tried to poke you and you weren't there Me: first you said you tried and i wasnt there, then you said you misclicked a button? Me: if i weren't there the option woudn't even exist Me: you can't accuse me of being mistrusting and "unchanging" when you send conflicting messages Was I in the wrong or was she? I feel like she is just trying anything in her power to catch me on something -- I had agreed to be less clingy, more trusting, less insecure, etc, while she'd try harder to make things work, talk more, speak her mind more, etc. All promises we made when we "got back together." But I feel like she just wants some excuse to say I haven't changed and that it warrants an eventual breakup, but it's stupid because she's looking for reasons that are not there in my opinion. I felt that my questionings were not out of line. Regardless, did I get upset over nothing? Should I have just taken her word? What does this mean about trust? I don't understand.
jerbear Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think you are somewhat overreacting on this one. The defriend thing maybe a true accident and she is trying to undo the mistake. I'm a firm believer that some issues should be done face to face not over IM. You get to see each other's expressions and body language. My benefit of the doubt is she clicked on the wrong button. I would not appologize just yet. Give it a few hours and then talk to her, say later this weekend or friday night.
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Thing is her story changed and it confused me. First she said I wasn't even there to poke, then she said she may have misclicked the Poke button, etc. I mean those two statements directly oppose each other.
Craig Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Thing is her story changed and it confused me. First she said I wasn't even there to poke, then she said she may have misclicked the Poke button, etc. I mean those two statements directly oppose each other. Well Vertex you were being pressing and persistent IMHO and so quite possibly she was trying to come up with an explanation for you that would result in your dropping the topic. I think you made too much of this.
MadDog Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 If you're going to have a fight, at least do it right and have one in person or over the phone. Having a fight over IM & reading, "YOU a**h***!!!" just isn't the same as hearing it. You don't want to short-change yourself of the full relationship experience. Anyway, I think your relationship is getting out of hand if you have to fight about facebook. Apologize (say, "Sorry I was being a tool earlier.") & start arguing only when it's necessary (e.g. she slept with your brother, tried to poison you, or even worse, is withholding sex.) Seriously though. I think you should apologize.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 If you're going to have a fight, at least do it right and have one in person or over the phone. This is true because neither of you KNOW the tone or intent. Did it start off as just "mentioning" it and anger built up? Or was it feeling nasty? Because too, you JUST woke up, noone is happy go lucky first thing in the morning. Your mind may have not been awake 100% either. Have those talks on the phone, not online.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Thing is her story changed and it confused me. First she said I wasn't even there to poke, then she said she may have misclicked the Poke button, etc. I mean those two statements directly oppose each other. I think you overreacted big time. It's not a big deal, dude. And guess what? When someone's getting in my face about s*** I can say conflicting stuff too, because I just want them to get off my back and stop giving me s***. When I offer one explanation and my BF says "I don't believe you" I just give up right then and there and tell him to get away from me for a few hours/days. You ask, you don't believe, then press for the "real truth". As if the first statement was some awful lie designed to mislead you into the den of iniquity and evil.
littlepiggy1 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I agree with everyone else. You totally overreacted to this and created a mountain out of a molehill. It's a freakin' IM program, for crying out loud. If this is the kind of thing you dwell on, then I'd hate to see what happens when you guys have real issues to deal with.
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Man I think I screwed up this morning big time. I don't know if I can take another mistake right now during this whole "trying to do things right" process. littlepiggy: That's the thing -- we have had real problems but they have always seemed to be external. Now it's like we get into fights over the smallest things, and I think this one was my fault. Although I had been anticipating all this because I remember looking at the details on FB and thinking, I wonder when she's gonna notice this says we are dating. I bet she'll find a way to delete it without telling me directly, and sure enough she defriends and refriends. It just seemed too well-timed to me and it led me to my conclusion. blind_otter: Thing is, I feel like despite her promise to try to make things work she just continues to increase distance. And so one second she says "It's a glitch!" then "You weren't even there to poke" then "Maybe I clicked it" I feel like, ok what REALLY happened? You're giving me multiple stories. It's like she wasn't even giving me ONE truth to deal with that I didn't believe but multiple truths that conflicted, so in this sense I feel like I was not out of line, or was I?
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 blind_otter: Thing is, I feel like despite her promise to try to make things work she just continues to increase distance. And so one second she says "It's a glitch!" then "You weren't even there to poke" then "Maybe I clicked it" I feel like, ok what REALLY happened? You're giving me multiple stories. It's like she wasn't even giving me ONE truth to deal with that I didn't believe but multiple truths that conflicted, so in this sense I feel like I was not out of line, or was I? No offense or anything, but since when did "ultimate truth" come into existence? I thought philosophers had debated that since the beginning of recorded history. Anyways, this is what happens when you get into an argument regarding something that occurred, where you force someone to go over their own motivations in painstaking detail. You should have approached her (face to face Imightadd), with your real issue -- which although it's heavily obscured with a tiny little argument, seems to be your insecurity regarding the status or "label" of your relationship? Correct me if I'm wrong. But look, my BF does this to me all the f***ing time. I tell him an explanation and he says, "No, I don't believe that's the REAL truth." And I'm like, "Uh, yeah. It is." And he keeps badgering me until I'm like over-analyzing more than normal and I come up with these weird, random, obscure reasons? Maybe he'll accept THIS one. Ok, nooo. How about this one? Ok...noooo.... Then he gets mad at me for offering different explanations when the first one was the truth, anyways, and he wouldn't just BELIEVE ME, and so I scrambled to find something that WOULD appease him, and then he gets mad at me for trying to just make him happy and shut up. I mean what the f*** are you supposed to do when someone backs you into a corner like that?
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 blind_otter: I understand your position, but I wanted to know what happened. I wasn't after some ultimate truth resulting from subjective components or anything philosophical, just the facts of action. When we BEGAN talking she said "I poked you and you weren't there," this means "I looked for you and you were not even on my list anymore -- I could not have even poked you since you weren't there" and blamed this on a glitch. IMMEDIATELY after the glitch thing she says "I might have defriended you when poking you." Which also immediately negates what she JUST said. The rest of the conversation goes on about her pressing the wrong button when she initially blamed a glitch that probably didn't happen since Facebook is a very stable site and it's very unlikely for there to be a random deletion of one user, especially one during this incident. And so instantly I think, ok she just gave me two stories and they don't match. She's been distant lately. I don't know if this was truly an accident. Does this make sense? BTW: We are in a LDR, she's an hour away at another school. We can't do face-to-face so easily and she doesn't call me anymore nor does she answer many calls I give her. One such factor in my reasoning for her becoming distant.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I dunno if knowing the details (if that is even ever possible) would help. It just seems like you're caught up in the details. But let me tell you this -- badgering someone to beahve in a certain way, or be a certain way towards you, never works. It drives people away.
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 It would have helped because had she told me one thing that was plausible I could have believed it. But I do not believe in random glitching like that and I do not believe things when I am given contradictory information. It isn't that I distrust her. And yes you are right, I can't tell her how to behave towards me. All I can do is point out what I was thinking, apologize, and hope for the best.
jerbear Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think you & your gf need to calm down, sit down and talk. IN PERSON not over IM. IMO, I think you overreacted and pushed to hard. Wait a few hours, talk to her and apologize about your overreaction. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Now if she does it again, then that is another story. Be the better person, apologize and put this issue behind you.
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I just have a fear that this is AGAIN another mistake that went too far. Like things were already unstable and now I feel like that just pushed it over the edge for good. I don't know how I can apologize without sounding like it's "another mistake I have to say sorry for." I just want to move on and drop it but that would make her mad because she hates it when I "hurt her feelings and move on and pretend like nothing happened," but it's happened so much where I get "weirdness" in some form, I question it, and then she gets mad. I don't know how do deal with it. How do I apologize correctly? I know just saying sorry won't do it. And yea I'd rather do it in person too but eh, even meeting her in person is something hard to do now.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 It would have helped because had she told me one thing that was plausible I could have believed it. But I do not believe in random glitching like that and I do not believe things when I am given contradictory information. It isn't that I distrust her. And yes you are right, I can't tell her how to behave towards me. All I can do is point out what I was thinking, apologize, and hope for the best. You say "I do not believe in random glitching" -- looks like you thought she was lying and you were trying to catch her in a lie. I am overly invested in this debate because I have exhausted myself arguing with my own BF and am emotionally distancing myself from him as well, and I'm seeing his attitude towards me in your explanations. I'm just telling you from a woman's perspective, I feel exhausted and don't really want to continue the relationship. I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own feelings, like he is always questioning me and NEVER believes me. And I always say, WTF -- if you don't trust me THAT MUCH, then leave me! Please! Give me the opportunity to find someone who will believe what I say and trust me. Who won't drive me away with all this badgering and constant questioning. I dunno it makes me bitter. Because I feel like, if he would relax, and just believe me, and trust that I don't want to hurt him and that I have my own feelings, and my own s*** in my life, and that my emotions don't revolve around him....that maybe it could work, because I do love him. But I just don't see it happening. We argue and he totally loses perspective, and suddenly becomes willing to sacrifiice MY emotional well being so he can prove his "suspicions".
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 blind_otter: But, from a girl's perspective, what do you say about the fact that there were two different stories immediately presented? Had I been given one I could have just said "oh, ok" and left it at that. If I told you "Sorry I couldn't buy the eggs today, I couldn't make it to the store, was too busy" but immediately said "Check out this new type of noodles I purchased today", would you not feel like you didn't have the truth? But yes, from now on I am just going to accept whatever she says about anything... I think any form of questioning at this point is just too dangerous.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I dunno, maybe she did it accidentally. I just don't think she did it as some huge conspiracy to make you feel bad. Why would anyone waste their mental energy on that?
magda Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think you should wait a little while and see if she contacts you. Wait maybe a day or two. Then send her a message saying, "Maybe you were right and I over-reacted. Recently I noticed it said we were dating and part of me figured one of these days you'd try and change it, then you unfriended me so..."
littlepiggy1 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 It would have helped because had she told me one thing that was plausible I could have believed it. But I do not believe in random glitching like that and I do not believe things when I am given contradictory information. It isn't that I distrust her. Yes it is. Regardless of what actually happened, there are trust issues here stemming from insecurities and other issues (this perceived "distance") in the relationship. None of this is a good thing. My father was the same way when it came to trust. It didn't matter what you told him. He would create these scenarios in his head and if what you told him didn't line up with these scenarios, he wouldn't believe you. The truth didn't even matter. And from my experiences with dealing with this, it's not a healthy thing. In the mean time, give yourselves both a day or two to calm down and get some perspective. You're obviously going to have to work on your insecurities and building a confident relationship. This starts by talking to her and more importantly, listening to her. Don't give in to whatever events you might concoct in your head. Don't give in to second guessing everything.
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I dunno, maybe she did it accidentally. I just don't think she did it as some huge conspiracy to make you feel bad. Why would anyone waste their mental energy on that? What was making me upset is that I feel like she's been doing all she can to give herself a getaway without guilt. For example, she said we could be "together but not boyfriend/girlfriend," which to me says "I'll keep you around and if it doesn't work I won't feel like it's a breakup, also I don't have to be devoted/loyal to you since we aren't bound by any title". She also never told any of her friends that we "got back together," and I just feel like she's slowly eradicating any form of link between us. The erasing of those details to me just made me feel like she was continuing to give herself a clean exit. Like she could just say "Whatever, you're overreacting. Bye." and not talk to me again, and she wouldn't have to tell anyone or do anything since there's no evidence anywhere of us being together, nor does she have to feel badly about it. littlepiggy: I hope you're right. How can I be more secure? I hate having so many suspicions. I want to be able to trust her but it's just so hard for me to just blindly accept what I hear, especially in hard times.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 What was making me upset is that I feel like she's been doing all she can to give herself a getaway without guilt. Why would you assume this? Is she a mean nasty person with bad breakups in her past? Is she a bitch? For example, she said we could be "together but not boyfriend/girlfriend," which to me says "I'll keep you around and if it doesn't work I won't feel like it's a breakup, also I don't have to be devoted/loyal to you since we aren't bound by any title". What? You guys are young (I think) and in a LDR. LDRs are hard. Hellish. And sometimes people are afraid of that. And it seems like you demand that she feel exactly the way you do and do exactly what you think would be appropriate, rather than accepting that she is not you, doesn't think like you, and different things are important to her. Like she could just say "Whatever, you're overreacting. Bye." and not talk to me again, and she wouldn't have to tell anyone or do anything since there's no evidence anywhere of us being together, nor does she have to feel badly about it. How do you know what she's feeling? How dare you assume that you could know! That is arrogant, and masochistic. She may very well feel badly about it but just doesn't express herself in a way you understand or feel is appropriate? It seems like you made up a bunch of scenarios in your head and now act as if they are reality without having a reality check from the GF.
burning 4 revenge Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I have no answer, but I love the original dialogue.
Author Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Yes she has had bad breakups before. She told me a lot of the things her ex did to her and I feel like she's doing the same to me because the patterns are virtually identical. And yes I have had a hard time understanding that people feel differently about one another in relationships... I miss having that mutually "into-each other" feeling and it feels very one-sided where I try to get close but she doesn't seem to want to reciprocate. I feel very low-priority in her life. As for "knowing" it just seems wrong to me to refuse to admit to anyone you're together, and at that, all these "personal linkings" she keeps removing just seems like another form of distance. We had agreed to talk more, so we'd email/IM/phone more often but she slowly stopped doing that too once again.
catgirl1927 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 OK, I overcame my laziness and finally read that whole facebook convo. I think you are overreacting and being too sensitive. She said over and over it was a mistake. I mean jinkies. Long distance stuff at any age is really hard. I think you're being really serious and needy and it's turning her off. IMO.
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