movinon05 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Ok, so after responding to Lizad this morning, once again, I am thinking about my ex MM. And there's just something I can't figure out, because now my stomach is in knots. Damn, I hate when this happens. Let me preface this by saying that I am not asking how to get through this, as I know what to do to get through, but I just have this one question. Maybe someone has an idea. So anyway, a short synopsis. A year ago New Years, my MM said he was leaving for good the day after New Years after I had given him the final ultimatum (after 7 yrs of off again and on again). I have never heard from him since. I made up my mind to move on and kept NC. Once in awhile, I would get a private call on my cell, no one would talk, just sit there with me saying hello, til I finally hung up. I'm pretty sure it was him. About a month ago, I came home to two handmade end tables (he's a carpenter) on my porch with a belated birthday card. Of course, I was shaking and after a week of deciding what to do, I left them on his lawn early in the morning. I figured that should speak volumes. But of course, that has brought him to the forefront of my mind again and I'm thinking about him more than I did, which I just hate! My question is this. What is going through his mind? His son is graduating HS in June and going off to college, so both of his children will be gone and it will be just him and his W. I'm thinking he just has it in his mind that he needs to get through that, then set me up with these gifts, and I'm going to hear from him again when his son is gone and he's stuck with her and her alone. It aggravates me to no end because I have kept NC. But I have no control over whether he chooses to contact me again. Sometimes, its just emotionally frustrating. We live near each other and I never know when I will I will see him, his W, or his kids. His W and daughter taunt me when they see me, but I never let them know it bothers me. It makes it really hard when I'm trying to move on with my life. I have every intention of moving out of this town when my youngest son graduates hs, but that's another 4 years away. I hate my situation, but I'm staying for my son. so anyway, back to the question. Why is he doing this and what is going through his mind? I hate when I think about him for all different reasons. Is he trying to make sure I'll be there when he's finally ready? I have to wonder if my giving back those tables will really sink in with him. I feel like this will never end and I am not about to contact him to tell him to stop calling or contacting me. Its like he's playing with my emotions! What is he doing?????
Sami_D Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Hmmmm. I think that if he wanted you to get a specific message (e.g. 'When my son leaves home I'm divorcing') then the simplest way would be to send you a note or something to that effect. How about a nice apology for letting you down and going back on his word? But no... Giving you some woodwork? Gawd... how to fathom the 'message' there. I imagine it's what it looks like, and what you suspect: "keep thinking of me." It's done the trick... he's back in your mind... you're back to wondering about the future with him. It's highly annoying and selfish of him. He let you down, but he won't let you go. It's a roundabout way of keeping you waiting for him, at a distance. Bleh.
lovernotafighter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 yeah..he's doing this in such a cowardly fashion..he wants you to think about him but doesn't have the guts to even talk to you..even when he couldn't leave his wife.. this buy sounds of things his heart is made of the same dead wood he cuts up and makes tables out of...keep in mind wood rots..that's probably whats in his chest...a rotten wormy lifeless heart...you don't need this crap.
Author movinon05 Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Well after 7 yrs he knows me very well. He knows I love handmade things and he has made me things over the years, which I busted with a hammer and threw away so I wouldn't have them around me as reminders, because I truly did love what he made for me. So I know that's why he did that. And that is why I gave them back to him this time, so he wouldn't think I was holding onto them, thinking about him, and waiting for him. And we have always discussed the children (our children went to school together). His daughter and my oldest son were friends - it was very difficult on them when he left last time and I think he is trying to spare his son and get him through school. But none of that matters anymore because I will never take him back. I know I don't need this crap. And of course, I hate him sometimes for killing the "dream" we had, but I have accepted it. I think he's just still dreaming while I have moved on as best I can. I feel like he will never go away and I don't like not being in control as to when he might contact me again. I swear, I can't wait to move away from this, but four years is a long time away. And I don't need this messingwith my head when I've got a good man I'm seeing. Its like he's got me hostage emotionally or at least it seems like that is what he is trying to do.
Author movinon05 Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 is that his card was written as if nothing has happened. no explanations (which I would not want and he probably knows that). he would never send a note with his intentions because he knows he has promised me time and time again and never followed through so he knows it would be wasted. but he just leaves it like this like he's done nothing. til the day he tries to contact me and explain it all away with his BullSht! UGH!!!!!!!
zarathustra Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think its his way of keeping you strung along. Keep his dirty clutches on you knowing that if he doesn't, you will move on, be unavailable and so if he leaves his wife, there wouldn't be anyone to fall back on.
Author movinon05 Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Yes, I think he is trying to get me to hang on and set me up for his next "move". I have learned how jealous and manipulative he is, especially with me so I know what to look for. Two things he told me. 1. There's no point in looking for someone else, because someday we will meet again and we will instantly feel the love again and need to be together. So I shouldn't bother even thinking about seeing someone else. and 2. He could never be with me if he knew that I ever slept with anyone else because that would mean that I didn't consider him my soulmate and he would know that I didn't love him as much as I said I did. Now how much of a load of crap is that!! I suspect that the day I tell him (should it come about) that I have dated other men and slept with 10 other men since he left (I'll exaggerate it! lol), that maybe, just maybe, he'll know its over. Of course, then he'll probably just blame me. He always said no matter what I should never doubt his love!! HA!!! Talk about manipulation! Well, at least I know now that's what it is. I just wish he'd wake up and smell the coffee but I guess he's just too selfish.
Sami_D Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 He could never be with me if he knew that I ever slept with anyone else because that would mean that I didn't consider him my soulmate and he would know that I didn't love him as much as I said I did. WHAT A LOSER. That's hilarious.
Author movinon05 Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 WHAT A LOSER. That's hilarious. LOL! You gave me a chuckle! And I'm supposed to sit here and believe that for 8 years, he has not slept with his W. Maybe the 7 when he was getting it from me, but for the last whole year!! He was too sexual for me to believe that! Thanks for the laugh!
lizad Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 movinon.....I am sorry that I was the one that got you thinking about him again.....:-) Now, I take it you are not married ( so hard to keep track with all who post here)...... I'm in a little different boat however it's all the same sh*t........ Yes, I think that your OM def. wants you to keep thinking of him even though he is unbelievably selfish......it's always the excuses.....one after the other. after seven years, I can only imagine the rollercoaster you've been on and the fact that you see his wife and children must make it so much harder........I couldn't even imagine that. My OM ( well at the moment i am not responding to him) lives in the next state about 2 hours away. we met on an island vacation while we were with our families two years ago so I did meet his W once. He has whined and whined about leaving back and forth for so long it makes me sick. now mind you, I haven't asked him to leave for me and he believes that I will never leave my H. so why the whining you ask??? I have no idea..... i have been in the middle of his sh*t over there for so long, giving advice, listening to the same stories, the fights and so on and I have asked him 100 times to not talk about what goes on there but he can't help himself. as far as "soul mates" what's up with that? my OM has said that and he believes that we are meant to end up together. If yours believes he is your soul mate, and you are there waiting for him then what's the problem......I hate to say it but I think 99 percent of them are so full of it. I'm not saying they dont fall in love, but it's a fantasy.........not reality. when men are married that long, so much baggage and history, very seldom do they leave........I have to say that I am ina 20 year marriage and it's pretty good except for the fact that stepped outside of it two years ago for issues that I have since resolved. I have compartmentalized the A for some time now......but always put what I needed to do first.........the Om would want to drive 3-4 hours back and forth to see me for a half hour but I never made him my priority. I think the difference between him and I was that he needed me more than I needed him......... I would say all the time that although my feelings are real.......the realtionship is not. it was just about him and I making each other feel good physically and mentally but no noise to go with it.......I think as I have written before in other posts.......there is no perfect thing and it's a choice to leave one situation for another with no guarentees.........that's in my case. If I were single.......he would defin. have to sh*t or get off the pot as they say. You also mentioned how upset he would be if you were dating and sleeping with other men.....that is the biggest joke. how dare he say that while he remains married....... I understand so much your turmoil......you want to hate him so badly yet you end up forgiving and the feeling of warmth and love take over.........I have tried to walk away countless times knowing in my head that this is no good and that i cant trust him, etc...etc., then I would get an e-mail or talk to him and trun to much again..........I guess that's b/c I was feeling and not thinking.......it is an addiction that you have to let go of and everyone here who says NC is the only way.....it completely right on. hang in there.....you deserve someone who can give you everything you deserve and give back to them.
NoIDidn't Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Two things he told me. 1. There's no point in looking for someone else, because someday we will meet again and we will instantly feel the love again and need to be together. So I shouldn't bother even thinking about seeing someone else. and 2. He could never be with me if he knew that I ever slept with anyone else because that would mean that I didn't consider him my soulmate and he would know that I didn't love him as much as I said I did. WTF!!!! Are you sure that you weren't dating my XBF (NPD that he is)? I am M and he is now D, but he would call every couple of years to make sure I was thinking of him. Worked too. But I won't respond the way I used to anymore. What a prick (both of them). BTW - I would have sold his handywork instead of giving him the satisfaction of knowing that I received it. But I have also dealt with my X for more than 13 years now....
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Why is he doing this and what is going through his mind? I hate when I think about him for all different reasons. Is he trying to make sure I'll be there when he's finally ready? I have to wonder if my giving back those tables will really sink in with him. I feel like this will never end and I am not about to contact him to tell him to stop calling or contacting me. Its like he's playing with my emotions! What is he doing????? He gave you the gifts to ease his guilt. But because he didn't say anything personal in the card or on the phone thereafter, I really, really doubt that he'd like to get back with you later.
Jessie61 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 no point in looking for someone else, because someday we will meet again and we will instantly feel the love again and need to be together. So I shouldn't bother even thinking about seeing someone else. and 2. He could never be with me if he knew that I ever slept with anyone else because that would mean that I didn't consider him my soulmate and he would know that I didn't love him as much as I said I did. Movinon05, I have heard a variation of this myself; "How can I consider leaving my W and children from someone who is sleeping with other people?". Yes, it is all manipulation designed to make you hang in there until some "magical moment in the unknown future" when MM is ready to pack his bags... Someone earlier in this thread mentioned the phrase "we were meant to end up together".... Same thing, more manipulation! As for the table and the rest of it, I am convinced that it is also designed to do the same thing; after 7 years of course he misses you etc, and he feels rejected so he has to do something to remind you of him, to get your pulse racing again.... Seriously, I just cannot believe how selfish these guys are!!!!
Author movinon05 Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 movinon.....I am sorry that I was the one that got you thinking about him again.....:-) Now, I take it you are not married ( so hard to keep track with all who post here)...... No need to apologize. I think of him everyday, mostly in the morning driving to work listening to the radio play all the songs of our lives that we shared. (We both listen to the country station). So I have started changing the station when I hear something come on. But you can't imagine all the songs we shared. Then I'll hear the "you done me wrong" songs and those make me think of him too and hope he's hearing them too. When I'm feeling strong, I like "My Give A Damn's Busted" by Jodie Messina. Great Song!! Its almost impossible not to think of him since I have to drive by their street, or I never know when I will see them somewhere. Everywhere I drive within 50 miles, there's a place we met up, or a bar, or a forest, or his job sites that I used to meet him at. The memories are everywhere. That's why I need to get out of here. I even moved to the other end of town so there would be no reason for him to go on my street in his travels. And every store I go in, I never know if I will see her or some family member because they all shop in the same places. I am always on alert. Sometimes its mentally exhausting. BTW - I would have sold his handywork instead of giving him the satisfaction of knowing that I received it. But I have also dealt with my X for more than 13 years now.... I considered my options with this one. But if I sold them, he wouldn't know and would think I was hanging onto him, thinking of him. I couldn't let that happen. I had to make a statement. And besides, he left them on my porch. So he knows I got them. He gave you the gifts to ease his guilt. But because he didn't say anything personal in the card or on the phone thereafter, I really, really doubt that he'd like to get back with you later. He did put personal things in the card. "I'm sorry these are late. I was ill. (Like I was expecting this or something) Love always. P.S. I would've made you a wheelbarrow, but I see you already have one." The only way he won't get back to me again is if he took my message seriously. Yes, it is all manipulation designed to make you hang in there until some "magical moment in the unknown future" when MM is ready to pack his bags... Someone earlier in this thread mentioned the phrase "we were meant to end up together".... Same thing, more manipulation! As for the table and the rest of it, I am convinced that it is also designed to do the same thing; after 7 years of course he misses you etc, and he feels rejected so he has to do something to remind you of him, to get your pulse racing again.... Yes, the whole soulmate thing. But I didn't reject him in the end. He rejected us. That's why I think this whole thing was designed to set me up for when his son leaves. Thanks for everyone's input. On the upside, I have a great BF and I never think of MM when I am with him. He's so cool. I just got back from a great night with him and I'm going back tonight. Having someone like him in my life helps me tremendously to remember that I can be treated so much better. Its great for the soul and self esteem. Hope you all have a great Easter btw.
Author movinon05 Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 Lizad wrote i have been in the middle of his sh*t over there for so long, giving advice, listening to the same stories, the fights and so on and I have asked him 100 times to not talk about what goes on there but he can't help himself. Don't you just hate this!! But my MM would tell me things that she did for him to try to make things better. Like she cooked some big porterhouse steaks for him and they were great. Or how she would light candles in the bedroom trying to set things up. And they travel to their mountain cabin many weekends together. But he always said he had no choice because she would insist on coming. Then there's the times he would tell me the things she said about me to put me down. That I didn't clean my house that well. Or make fun of my cooking. I didn't need to hear that. Not that I care what she says, but he didn't have to tell me these things because then I would start to doubt myself that he was thinking the same thing. She is a perfectionist. She is considered a God in their family. Unfortunately, they don't know her nasty side - but others have told me about it too. Actually I liked hearing that there was fighting because I thought she would realize its not worth it and would let him go. But you - Lizad - don't necessarily want that. And that's cool. Oh, and for the record. I left my H for him. He pushed and pushed me for it to happen. And then left me in the lurch. I don't regret leaving my H but I do regret how I did it and the pain I put my children through. Fortunately, they have forgiven me and do understand why I left him because they are sick of my exH as well as he has shown his true colors in other ways. But they still hated my MM. Understandably.
Recommended Posts