stockmos Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 It's Easter and the all too short spring and summer is approaching. And I cannot go through it living as I have done so far this year. For those who have not read my story earlier, here it is briefly. I am 43 and for the last 6 years have been with my live-in partner of the same age, having moved to her home country. During 2005 I became more and more disenchanted with the relationship and in December began an affair with a woman of 21. Things rapidly escalated and at the beginning of March I told my partner I thought we should live apart. An explosive scene followed on the spot in which she went into total hysteria and packed all my clothes while I was in the bathroom. I should point out here that my partner knows nothing about the other woman. I took at taxi to the "other woman's" flat and stayed there for a while. Soon realising this was not the best plan, I moved to stay with a friend. I continued to see the OW, sometimes staying there and have continued to see my partner, the latter without anything "going on" between us. *Now I am at the crossroads*. On Monday I told the OW we had to take a pause. I could not stand the situation anymore and nor could she. She wants a full-on relationship, of course, but I am not ready in any way. I am not even sure if my relationship with my partner is over. It was a very tough day but she agreed. My partner wants me back. I meet or go back to "our" home and she always tries to remind me of great times we had in the past. She does the same in emails. She asks me to stay over but I have always resisted. So, where is all this leading? One thing I will say to those here who write about "cakemen" or men enjoying affairs, my experience has been anything but. I have been utterly misterable throughout 2006. I have seen so many tears, shed them myself and shared so much pain and anguish. I am totally sick of it all. My friend is good to let me stay, but I hate the situation. I am living out of bags, like a tramp. I want my home back, my privacy, my belongings (all my books etc are still at the flat), my space to chill out, in short, a proper life. On an evening I often have to go out somewhere purely because he is at home, in the lounge where I sleep. It is draining all enthusiasm out of me. My hobbies and so on are suffering. Most of my belongings for my hobbies are at home, of course. Because I live abroad it is all doubly difficult. I have a limited support network. Most of my friends are "her's". I cannot stay with my parents. I don't have the deep know-how that I have in my home country on how to get a flat of my own, etc. I don't even have a regular job - I freelance here and there. I have no domestic belongings of my own - furniture, bed, bedding etc. All that went when I moved from my om country. How I regret losing my my own place and security at home! Most posts on LS suggest that the man usually goes back to his partner. I can easily see why. Security. Comfort. In our case, we have no children, and I simply moved in and paid "rent", so we have no shared obligations at all. Despite our difficulties, we had a lot of good times. We share a love of travel, music and animals and a curiosity about the world. Everyone says how good we are together. She tells me her friends are sad, her parents and family are sad, how much they all like me. Now the spring is here, I know she is reaching out for me to come back, fix the balcony and the summer house and be there. But... I don't feel any real sex drive for her at the moment. And I have the worry that I go back and in a few months regret it heavily. I still have the memories of last year's difficulties. The rub there is that she says she will change and says she means it. Meanwhile, the relationship with the OW is completely different. We have the best sex I have ever experienced. We are like kids together, joking, playing, being silly. We look into each others' eyes and just smile. But it is not just a physical affair. We have shared lots of thoughts and feelings, told each other close and tough things. And the strange thing is, that having not seen her since Monday, the things I miss are not the sex, but the laughs, walks, playing board games, seeing her appear up the escalator when I meet her off the train... While she is just 21 now, she has made her hopes pretty clear. She wants to have kids. Do I? I haven't yet, and my relationship with my partner, has been and could still be, just that - a childless, pretty bohemian relationship betwween two in their 40s. Do I, on the other hand, see myself as a 49 year old new father with the OW in six years? That's going to be a very different relationship to the one I have with her now. So, which road to take at the crossroads? I could go home, I could do it now, but is it even possible to rekindle the relationship after what has happened? And it would mean the end with the OW. One possibiity is to get a short-term furnished flat on my own over the summer. The OW? That means the end of six years of a relationship, that has been my everything since 1999. And stepping out into the great unknown, possibly into a relationship that will burn then fade.
Guest Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 hi stockmos.i've just read your problem and i've noticed its abit similar to mine.i'm 22 next month and the man i like is 41 ( 42 in september ) we met in june last year but things have been complicated since then.i was wondering if you could offer some advice as you are a simialr age to him and have been in a similar situation .my thread is called 'upset over relationship with an older man '.i'd really appreciate it if you could read it and help me out. Thanks.
Guest Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Take a break! A couple of weeks off work and go on a trip some where you have never been. You sound way too emotional (like alot of people on here) to be making any decisions. Make Your own way in life its not as scary as it sounds. Just like moving to your first apartment except now you got CASH!!!! Have fun
Author stockmos Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Guest 1. It is very hard to make sense of your long post. But my guts and my head say: don't get involved. Guest 2: sound advice of course. And I do have the money to strike out on my own.
blueberry Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 its a big leap to make mate! maybe you could consider getting away from both women for a while? can you travel for a couple of months? escape into the sun, and run a beach bar on the mediterranean coast for the summer? (hehe)...basically, whatever you want to do - you should do, because we only have one shot at this life. happiness is paramount and you need some head space to figure out how to achieve that. kia kaha
Author stockmos Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Hi Blueberry, yes, you must be able to read my mind. I feel as if I have no control over my destiny. My partner seems to think things will just "right themselves" like a boat whose keel will turn it the right way up. She talks about "starting again from scratch", keeps suggesting trips abroad and saying what things we can do to make the flat nice. It's as if me leaving the flat was not such a big deal. I feel terrible for her. When you've loved and really done your best for someone for years, it is awful to see them in pain and hanging on. Every tear hurts me. At the same time, the OW (hate that term but still) basically said she could not stand the situation any more. She says she loves me but cannot stand it any time I see my partner - quite understandably!!! She wants a proper relationship - understandably!!! I like her so f****** much, but I am just not ready. I can't help the pain I feel over my partner. I don't choose to feel it. It's so hard to let go, especially when my partner is hanging on for dear life. I didn't think it would be like this. I thought when I first left my partner would think it was the end, but she did the exact opposite - she dug in for a fight to bring me home. The problem is - the choices never seem to be mine - they are being made for me. Your suggestion is not a bad one, and I have the means to do this. It's interesting you raised this point blueberry. Because it reminded me that BEFORE I met the OW, I looked on the net about going away to volunteer on a volunteer-run railway in the UK. (There is one where you can stay in their accomodation very cheaply; it would be a great experience). Yes, also considered going abroad to a bohemian environment. I also looked at websites about flats to move into BEFORE I met the OW. I still think my partner is a wonderful woman, though. But maybe I'm mistaking that for the nuts and bolts of a successful relationship?.
blueberry Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 whilst it is very extreme, i did run away for a summer. they say that your problems will be with you wherever you go, and that may be true, but it did me the world of good! did it make my hurt go away? no... but it did give me a much larger perspective on things and i had some truly beautiful times. its tough to give up work or whatever, but like i said - one shot at this life and if you have the means to do it - do it! you wont regret a thing, i promise. at the very least you will come back with a different view of yourself. a lesson, an adventure and a renewed appreciation for this world we live in.
Guest Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 i said it was a complicated situation didnt i ? ok then what do you think of his behaviour ? and should i not even be friends with him ?
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