sapphire0903 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Hi all, new to the forum, and refreshed to see I am not alone. My MM has been separarted from his wife for three years now. I met him about a year and a half ago. I am divorced and was separated when I met him. I am thinking of breaking it off with him. Here is the nitty gritty. He spends his weekends with me, and sometimes during the week. He has his own business and travels frequently, he has an apartment near me(when we met) and a lake house about 50 miles away, which we looked at together when he bought it. He says he keeps the apt. to be close to me. His wife of 23 years has had a difficult time with him leaving her. He loves her but not in love with her (so he tells)when he referrs to me I am his girlfriend, when referrs to her she is his ex. (but not legally) He has so many great qualities and we get along wonderfully, talk, not argue about any issues. The only issue is his wife. In his attempt to help her cope through the separation, they have went from phone calls, having dinner together to now she stays with him at the lake place with him at least once during the week. She tells him he is like a drug and that she would rather see him a little, than not at all. They are sexually active. My MM does not see anything wrong with this scenario, and assures me he is not getting back with her. However, he does not feel he can commit just yet (of course not he is still married!) As much as I love him, and enjoy my time with him, this bothers me tremendously, (he does not get this), I am thinking of breaking it off, or dating other men. When I find someone who can commit to me (not marriage, just while your with me) I would stop seeing him. I have told him several times about not seeing him, and each time he has convinced me not to leave. I have told him about dating, which he does not want me to do, but he understands. Any advice?
Blind Illusion Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Hi, welcome. It does seem a bit strange that after 3 years, they have not either reconciled or separated for good. Have you tried telling him that you will be moving on if he doesn't stop with this little weekly shananigan. Unfortunately, you might have to go this route for something to change because it seems like his wife or ex is just fine with this arrangement.
Author sapphire0903 Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 You are right, I think she is fine with the arrangement as well. I did not intened to get in a relationship with a MM. When we met he told me he intended to get a divorce. Now a year and a half into "our" relationship things have changed. for instance, his children (in college) are telling their mother that they are angry with him. He has not talked to them separately about this since they split. (Strange:o ) Yes I have told him about me dating other men, and in the past have told him "good bye" but before I can even get out the door, he "smooths my feathers", I go home think about it, end up calling and telling him I am just not ready to give him up. He always makes me feel better, but it is short lived.
Sami_D Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 They are sexually active... this bothers me tremendously, (he does not get this) He doesn't get that you don't like him sleeping with her? What doesn't he get about it? Tell him to shape up or he's dumped is my advice.
Author sapphire0903 Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Sami, I feel that if he were not married, I could legitimatly say that to him. But in reality, I am still the o/w right?
zarathustra Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 what a double standard... he's sleeping with his wife, but yet do not want you to date other people but will understand if you do... ACK! I smell smoke, so there probably is fire somewhere here. Sapphire, even if you were an OW, you can tell him what you want. If he isn't able to provide you with what you want, then you have the option to leave. It sounds to me like you don't want to be the OW, so I the path you need to choose is quite clear.
Sami_D Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Sami, I feel that if he were not married, I could legitimatly say that to him. But in reality, I am still the o/w right? Still just the OW is what you mean? Yes, he's still legally married to her, so what? Doesn't mean you have to like him having sex with her. OR put up with it. He's treating you like sh** and what's more you're accepting it! Tell him you don't like it. He stops it, or you're done. Married, separated, or whatever he thinks he is.
movinon05 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Wow! I have to say that as goofy as this sounds, most MM say they're not sleeping with their wives. They lie and that's how they keep the OW. This one is telling you that he is sleeping with his wife? Hello.... What does that say to you? Don't you want the exclusivity of love and sex? If I knew for sure my exMM had been sleeping with his wife I never would have continued it! That would have sickened me! Sex with someone you love is a very personal act! I would never want put myself through that! I cannot fathom it! He's sticking his "thing" in two women. And admitting it! Ugh! To me that is demoralizing.
2sunny Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Wow! I have to say that as goofy as this sounds, most MM say they're not sleeping with their wives. They lie and that's how they keep the OW. This one is telling you that he is sleeping with his wife? Hello.... What does that say to you? Don't you want the exclusivity of love and sex? If I knew for sure my exMM had been sleeping with his wife I never would have continued it! That would have sickened me! Sex with someone you love is a very personal act! I would never want put myself through that! I cannot fathom it! He's sticking his "thing" in two women. And admitting it! Ugh! To me that is demoralizing. Yep, slapping her in the face every time he "sees" his wife! She keeps going back for more slaps though....
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I feel that if he were not married, I could legitimatly say that to him. But in reality, I am still the o/w right? He is getting what he wants from two women ... with both of them knowing about it. What a great way he seems to have to keep his ego afloat! When you met him you both were separated. Great. But now things are going backwards ... he's back to sleeping with his wife! Just because you are NOW the "OW" (B/C of his actions in going back to his wife) doesn't mean you have to accept him having sex with her. Unless, of course, you don't care. If you don't, then things won't change - he's happy, he's got two women doing all they can to just keep a little piece of him in addition to having his freedom. He doesn't live with either of you and can enjoy doing anything and everything he wants to do when he wants to do it. If you do care, then make him get off the pot, or you get off the pot and dump him. Neither his wife, or you are even getting half of him. You deserve better than the quarter you are getting. You deserve a whole man.
Author sapphire0903 Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 Thank you to all that replied! Not trying to "justify" but I failed to leave an important part out (did not mean to) The only "promise" or commitment we have made to each other was to be honest to each other and if we choose to sleep with someone else, we would talk to each other about it.This man is a world traveler and is very open about sex. With that being said. again not to justify. but hopefully to try a different perspective. He is not a malicious person, just trying to keep everyone "happy" and ends up everyone is miserable. I could go on and on about how wonderful a person he is, there is more good things about him than bad, and when I would "weigh" it, I just was not ready to end things completely. I have not known many, but known of a few relationships that started as O/M O/W that has worked out, I guess I have been hopeful that this would be one. This past Thursday, we talked and I let him know that he needs to make a choice. Turns out his wife had the same conversation with him, as she feels like she is the O/W. I feel like this was something I had to come to terms with on my own, and let go when I feel I was ready to never see him again. I am closer to that than I ever have been. I am a person who will try to disect every possibility before throwing in the towel. (It took me 13 years to leave a marriage of alcoholism because of this. I don't want to lose the lesson) Anyway, I will talk to him tonight and we will see. Thanks again for any support !
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