oannamarie Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 My husband and I have been through some major issues in the past two years. I was abusive and on drugs. He hasnt beat me or done anything abusive to me for about a year. He promissed me that he wouldnt do drugs anymore about 8 months ago when I told him in order for us to stay together he needed to stop. He has been off work for about 4 years due to a work related injury. About a month ago his doctor released him to return to a job on light duty. My husband had security background so I suggested he apply for a correction officer. He told me that he hadnt been honest with me and has only been clean (off drugs) for three weeks. This was last week when he told me. I was devastated. I was about to walk out the door. He stopped me and we sat down and talked about it. I told him that I would give him random drug tests and if he doesnt pass one he is out of the house for good. In the back of my mind I dont trust him. This is putting a barrier on our relationship and our recently closeness that we had obtained. Any advice on how to get through this?
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 If he's been using a long time I am surprised that you didn't request he enter some sort of treatment program? It's difficult to quit a substance, cold turkey, especially if you have addiction issues. And it's not about the substance, you know. It's about an inability to cope with reality, and him turning to a substance to distance himself or numb himself. Sobriety is about changing your lifestyle, the way you view the world, and the way you view yourself. It's not as easy as stopping using. You can stop using, and be dry for years, but if you don't alter your lifestyle, you're only a dry drunk. Not sober, not at all.
Author oannamarie Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 I did suggest that he go to NA but he stated that he is only on Marijuana and that he never wanted to quit but now he does. He keeps saying that he is not addicted but this was what caused our problems before. When he didnt have the drugs he would be abusive. I just thought that this time was different when he didnt hit me. I thought that he was actually trying. Now I dont know what to think. I find myself distant from him.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I did suggest that he go to NA but he stated that he is only on Marijuana and that he never wanted to quit but now he does. He keeps saying that he is not addicted but this was what caused our problems before. When he didnt have the drugs he would be abusive. I just thought that this time was different when he didnt hit me. I thought that he was actually trying. Now I dont know what to think. I find myself distant from him. He may actually have been trying. I think you should go to an ALANON meeting. You cannot make him get sober. He has to decide that he wants to for himself. The only thing that helps anyone stay sober is that INTERNAL motivation, that reason they have for themselves that has meaning to them. It may have meaning to you, but he is not you, you are not him. You need to focus on yourself. Tell him what you want and need, but I think it would beneficial for you to go to some alanon meetings (which are for loved ones of addicts AND alcoholics,not just alcoholics).
Author oannamarie Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 I am hurt because if he really loved me he would at least attempt to quit and he had stated that he didnt try before because he didnt want to.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I am hurt because if he really loved me he would at least attempt to quit and he had stated that he didnt try before because he didnt want to. His addiction issues are not about you. They never were. So why are you taking this personally?
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I am hurt because if he really loved me he would at least attempt to quit and he had stated that he didnt try before because he didnt want to. He does love you. Don't doubt that... B_O is right. His drug issues are HIS issues and have nothing to do with you. HE isn't doing drugs to purposely piss you off or give you some hidden meaning...He's addicted to it, end of story. He needs to go to rehab and get help.
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