Guest Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I met a man about a year and a half ago. We were both separated at the time, I have recently become divorced. During the time we have spent together he has told me he loves me and i love him. He has not divorced. First it was because of a foster child that they were trying to place in adoption and did not want to mess that up by being legally sep. Now that the child has been adopted (July 05) his wife has been trying successfully to become closer to him and trying to cater to what he has wanted through their 24 year marriage. They have two grown children in college. I have tried to walk away from him twice, he is very persuasive and says all the right things to me. I have never felt more beautiful and sexy than when I am with him. He tells me that he does not intend to go back to her and still maintains seperate homes. He is a strong provider and feels he wants to make everyone happy, and not hurt anyone. He hurts me now as they have went from talking on the phone, dinners occasionally, to now spending the night with each other at least once per week. She knows about me and knows that I spend every weekend with him and see him some during the week. I have talked to him about this and how much it hurts, and suggested I begin dating other men so I can understand how you can love two people at the same time. He tells me he does not want me to see other men, but also tells me he cant tell me he wont spend time with his wife. I intened to talk to him about this more in depth, however he will be away this weekend to his parents (whom I have never met) I want to tell him face to face that I feel that this is unhealthy for me and that if he feels strongly towards seeing his wife, he should try to work things out. Has anyone had any similar experience? What I struggle with is that I have intense feelings for him, and when I am with him, his feelings seem intense with me. I do things with him that his wife never has (not all sexual, but fishing, gardening ect). I feel foolish for hoping that things will change. I have told him "having cake and eating it too" line,but he does not feel this way. I know men and women think differently about sex, and he is very open minded towards sex (world traveler) and he also tells me that he does not seek other women out when he travels as he did when he was living with his wife. More BS? The one thing I can say is he tells me all of this, I have never had to "find out" from another source. I wish things were different
Outcast Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 This is the same old story - different people. He will tell you everything in the book. He will persuade you that he will leave - someday. You will continue to believe despite all the previous evidence that he doesn't follow through. In two or five or ten or - God forbid - twenty years you'll *finally* realize that you have been as big a sucker as every other 'bit on the side' that every other skanky guy has bamboozled into dusting his family jewels for him. Is this really the kind of life you want, or, more importantly, deserve? The answer is a resounding NO. Dump the jerk and find a man of your own.
Jadore Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Don't you think if he loves you he would have left his wife by now? What is this crap? A triangle love? I doubt she knows about you. Alright, he still wants to spend time with his wife and you don't think that's a bit odd already? I watched my mother be cheated on my entire life. It has scarred me to NEVER be a with a man who will cheat on me (hopefully I can luck out on that one). Marriage is very serious, it's not a joke. If you aren't ready to be married or if you can't be married and are seeing someone else.. you know what to do. I just don't understand how he and other marriages alike can begin families, have a home, literally BE a family and then want to ruin all of that just to find out they "love" someone else. Put yourself in his wives shoes. You need to talk to her.
zarathustra Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 He's staying with her AT LEAST once a week? that's not good at all! I think that the pull of his old life is winning. I never felt as beautiful as when I was with my xMM. For a while after we split, I didn't even recognize myself. I realize now that while I am never going to be a physical beauty, but I know that I am a kind, generous and giving person and that in itself makes me feel beautiful. You gotta find that beauty within yourself and walk away. It will be hard at first, but you will live through it and grow from it.
NoIDidn't Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 He wants a mistress AND his W. Run - if this is not what you signed up for.
Jessie61 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I met a man about a year and a half ago. We were both separated at the time, I have recently become divorced. During the time we have spent together he has told me he loves me and i love him. He has not divorced. First it was because of a foster child that they were trying to place in adoption and did not want to mess that up by being legally sep. Now that the child has been adopted (July 05) his wife has been trying successfully to become closer to him and trying to cater to what he has wanted through their 24 year marriage. They have two grown children in college. I have tried to walk away from him twice, he is very persuasive and says all the right things to me. I have never felt more beautiful and sexy than when I am with him. He tells me that he does not intend to go back to her and still maintains seperate homes. He is a strong provider and feels he wants to make everyone happy, and not hurt anyone. He hurts me now as they have went from talking on the phone, dinners occasionally, to now spending the night with each other at least once per week. She knows about me and knows that I spend every weekend with him and see him some during the week. I have talked to him about this and how much it hurts, and suggested I begin dating other men so I can understand how you can love two people at the same time. He tells me he does not want me to see other men, but also tells me he cant tell me he wont spend time with his wife. I intened to talk to him about this more in depth, however he will be away this weekend to his parents (whom I have never met) I want to tell him face to face that I feel that this is unhealthy for me and that if he feels strongly towards seeing his wife, he should try to work things out. Has anyone had any similar experience? What I struggle with is that I have intense feelings for him, and when I am with him, his feelings seem intense with me. I do things with him that his wife never has (not all sexual, but fishing, gardening ect). I feel foolish for hoping that things will change. I have told him "having cake and eating it too" line,but he does not feel this way. I know men and women think differently about sex, and he is very open minded towards sex (world traveler) and he also tells me that he does not seek other women out when he travels as he did when he was living with his wife. More BS? The one thing I can say is he tells me all of this, I have never had to "find out" from another source. I wish things were different Guest, I was going to tell you to "run for the hills" but then I decided to be slightly more elaborate... Let me get this straight; your MM doesn't actually live with his W, but he stays in her house one a week? First of all, do they have sex? If they do, then I would certainly not accept the situation. If he says they are not having sex, then it is different. (Of course you have to ask yourself if you believe his answer!) With 2 sons out of the M, he IS going to have contact with his W even if he is totally committed to you. I would say that it is good sign of his character if he tries to look after his family after leaving. Wouldn't it be worse if he just dumped them all or treated them with total disrespect? Yes, he may also feel tremendous guilt about leaving them in the first place, so he might be compensating now? It is actually possible that he does not realise how much this bothers you? Men sometimes just don't understand us! I have just tried to give you a couple of angles to help you think about this situation. I am not automatically going to jump on the bandwagon and beat up "the cruel and selfish MM", because there c-o-u-l-d be a reasonable explanation for this, especially if he is quite open about what he is doing? I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, for the moment at least!!! Yes, he may well be "cruel and selfish" - I don't know him - but I think you will have to follow your own gut instinct. Talk to him, if you like what you hear and see it being followed through in action, then great. If not, then........ RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!! Good luck! Let us know what happens?
Sami_D Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 This story is similar to yours in some ways: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86099/ Reading your story, the overall picture is this: that he's 'telling you the right things' to drag you back into it, while telling you flat out that he's NOT going to leave her. That is it, in a nutshell. He wants what he wants (who can blame him?) and this situation suits him fine. There are MANY MM (or even separated men!) who want both women in their lives. The usual term for them is 'cake-eaters'. Unless you want to be 'one of his women', then you're going to be unhappy.
movinon05 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 So wait, she knows about you and they still spend time together overnight (don't believe that they're not doing something!) I have told him "having cake and eating it too" line,but he does not feel this way. I know men and women think differently about sex, and he is very open minded towards sex (world traveler) Okay, he's open minded - but are you? This works for him, but if people are going to go into open relationships, it is supposed to be an agreed upon thing. He doesn't call the shots!! Just because he is, does not mean you are! Don't let him bully you into his relaxed sexual lifestyle! If it upsets you, then he has no right to impose his free lifestyle on you without your consent. I WILL say it - get out. Especially if he has started working back on his marriage! Geez!
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