electric_sheep Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 It's about 6 months into the relationship and I'm worried about our libidos. My girlfriend has started to stay over at my place on occation for close to a week at a time. When she first started to do this, I was under the impression that we would probably have sex every night. What I've found instead is that without having time away from each other, it seems our libidos just crash. The other night I was "sort of" in the mood for sex, and as I was trying to get my girlfriend fired up for it, she made a comment along the lines of "it's funny, I feel this obligation to have sex with you at least every other day". When she said this it made me realize how lackluster my own desire was. I don't think I so much wanted sex as I did just to masturbate. I've found that after I come home from work, go for a run, feed the cats and do other chores, sex just seems like too much trouble. I also think there is something about living with someone, and just constantly seeing them naked, sitting on the toilet, walking around with one sock on, etc... that makes sex seem less urgent and necessary. Also, her dwindling libido (damn Zoloft) sort of dwindles my own libido. Now, the worst part is ... I've noticed that the longer you go without, the MORE your libido crashes. It's almost like sex fuels the libido, and abstinence kills it. Here is the part where everyone yells at me: Checking out other women gets my libido going again. They seem so mysterious and unattainable and sexy. This is not an issue of lack of imagination. My girlfriend and I have done everything under the sun. Hell, this may be part of the problem ... there isn't much left to try. But lately, even vanilla sex seems like a lot of trouble, much less pulling out the handcuffs and butt plugs and paddles, or trying to coordinate sex in public or something more complicated. Is this just the inevitable fizzle ? I once told my girlfriend the best sex you will ever have is within the first 4 or 5 months of the relationship. She didn't believe me. I wonder what she thinks now. How often do most couples have sex a week ? Looking back on our relationship, it's occured to me that I've often feigned more passion and lust than I actually feel. Somehow though, feigning passion can actually CREATE passion. Lately I'm too lazy to feign.
a4a Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 4- 5 times per week here....... of course it does not just happen, you have to put effort into it. The longer you go without the less interest you have in it IMHO. Take the initiative to start the fire up again, just don't expect results at the start with her. Tease her a bit, get her mind working.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 WHen in a relationship I have sex like 2-3 times a day. If I'm tired, once. So no, this isn't normal or inevitable. I dunno, to me sex is an expression of loving intimacy. I do it even if I'm not in the mood, and 99% of the time I get in the mood within about 30 seconds. It's like a necessity. Have you discussed it with your GF? Saying "I feel obligated to f*** you" is a serious turn off.
catgirl1927 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I don't let anyone see me sitting on the toilet. How un-sexy. Ew. Yeah, if someone told me he felt obligated, I would fizzle out big time.
Author electric_sheep Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 @a4a You're definitely right about abstinence causing interest levels to wane. The thing is, I feel like I'm always the one trying to get "the fire" going. Of course, this is probably due to her being on Zoloft. Still, it has caused my own interest to wane. Nothing is as hot as thinking someone else is hot for you ... and nothing kills the libido more than thinking someone is apathetic. @blind_otter As for her comment ... my gf is renowned for sticking her foot in her mouth, and occationally says the most unromantic things. She isn't trying to be mean or unromantic. It was a turn off though. I agree. I dunno, to me sex is an expression of loving intimacy. I do it even if I'm not in the mood, and 99% of the time I get in the mood within about 30 seconds. What if neither person is particularly in the mood ? Who is supposed to start it ? It's a chicken vs. the egg situation. And lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm lazy. Right now the problem is I'm not interested enough myself to want to put much effort into it. I think part of the problem is I feel a strong obligation to please her. I feel like I need to razzle and dazzle her, go down on her for 20 minutes, give her 4 orgasms. That can be so exhausting. I feel sort of bad wanting quick and dirty sex (selfish sex), so just opt not to have sex at all ... and her libido is such that she won't initiate sex unless we havn't had it for a week.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Are you guys still emotionally intimate to the same degree? Not going through the motions of a relationship, but actually having heart to heart talks and sharing and stuff like that?
Author electric_sheep Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Are you guys still emotionally intimate to the same degree? Not going through the motions of a relationship, but actually having heart to heart talks and sharing and stuff like that? Yeah. Definitely. We are like best friends. We share everything, and are very open. We have been known to simply masturbate in front of each other, if that is all we are in the mood for. She is wonderfully accomodating. She will stick her butt in my face while I please myself, if she isn't in the mood. And she knows she can just ask me to give her cunnilingus whenever she wants. The other day, after making that comment, I just told her how romantic it was, and asked her if I could just have selfish/sloppy/lazy sex with her. She was all for it. Just from writing this all down, I think I know what the problem is ... Zoloft. It has just really killed her libido, and this in turn has killed mine. Being the one to have to always get the ball rolling gets old. Also, I'd like her to crave me as much as I crave her. She says I'm her sexiest boyfriend by far, btw. It's just she is fighting brain chemistry I suppose. She is happy just to be able to have orgasms at all. I guess I just want to feel that crazy, obsessive, out of control passion again. If she would just shave her legs and wear a school girl skirt with no panties it would go a long way to stoking my libido. The thing is, if I ask her to do this it won't have the same effect. I want her more involved I suppose. It's her effort I would find hot, not the school girl skirt (though that wouldn't hurt). Depression and Zoloft are not great for the sex life. I feel like I'm the captain of this ship, and I just want a break. Unfortunately, I think It's going to be up to me to get things rolling again.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Wellllll, has she considered trying a different antidepressant? There are those that have fewer sexual side effects than zoloft.
senioritafluff Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 This is sooo strange, but when I first started the pill, I had libido issues and me and my bf's solution was to try to stop having sex. We would make a pact not to have sex for a week and inevitably, we would have insanely hot sex by the end of the day. I don't know if this would work for anyone else, but it was great fun for me. -Fluff
Author electric_sheep Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks for the feedback. I think I've just got to resign myself to the fact that while she is on Zoloft I'm going to be the one in charge to a large degree. I really shouldn't complain, she almost always seems to end up enjoying things, and even when she is really not in the mood, she kindly straddles me and sticks her butt in my face, or holds my hand while I masturbate. Things could be far worse. Now I think I'll stop complaining, go home after work and give her a few hard spankings. She's been a very bad girl. She ate all the Ben & Jerry's chocolate ice cream last night, and she needs to be punished.
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