Vertex Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 This is long and you may not read this, but I'm so... desperate and alone. It seems like every girl I end up with rejects me over nothing -- they, for some reason, feel like it's okay to continually lead me on and play with my emotions despite all the stress I've had in my life pertaining to family deaths, school, and work. Despite family deaths I managed to emerge from my school as valedictorian and get into many colleges while maintaining a relationship long-distance and keeping my family members from drinking themselves to death with alcohol, but it was so incredibly difficult to do it all. I've held up very well despite the bad things in my life, but nobody sees this as a sign of strength -- but rather, my (ex, I guess)girlfriend feels like our relationship is too much work to handle despite the fact that I am trying to be nothing but optimistic, happy, and good to her. I don't bring any of that stress into the relationship and I haven't for a long time, although I admit I let it put me into a bad mood once in a while. Nothing I do seems to satisfy anyone. I can be there to listen to someone, offer advice to a friend in need, surprise people with things (be it a gift, occurrence, or action), try to please sexually, be accomodating to one's schedule, be understanding of feelings, be patient, devote myself, try to have fun, explore new things, have ambitions for the future, accomplish what I set forth, etc. Regardless of all my attempts it's like I am undeserving of ever getting what I want out of life. The first girl I dated broke up with me because she became interested in someone else (and then broke up with them) and lied to me, the second one left me to fool around with another because she took me for granted and thought I'd still be there in case the new guy wasn't as good, the third led me on for the longest time and eventually went on to be the girlfriend of someone who I was assurred was just a friend, the fourth... my last girlfriend, seemingly wanted to break from me because she was too stressed and thought everyone disapproved of us. However, the people that disapproved were people who had nothing but a negative light of me -- the only things they knew about me were complaints my girlfriend made. She just doesn't want to try to fix things. I look back at all the old things my girlfriend and I used to say to each other (Xanga, email, letters, memories), and it makes me hurt inside. A whole year and a half's worth of memories and I don't know how to learn from my mistakes. Or rather, I progress but seemingly not enough. My girlfriend and I were in a long distance relationship... such fond memories of pining for each other and finally meeting up in quiet, small airports in the middle of the night, so happy to see one another. I miss being totally in love and wanting not to lose another second, and I miss her affections for me. Somehow they just died after college began. The stress of classes and tests, coupled with the ignorant disapproval of her peers and her own exogenous lack of interest, made it hard for her to love -- she couldn't change much in her life but she COULD change the relationship. Change something that was causing her stress. I'm just extraordinarily lonely. I feel like everything I love is leaving me. I don't have a lot of friends here at school since I spend so much time in class or at work, and my girlfriend was the one person in my life I was happy about. Even if my days were bad, I'd still have her. My family is a mess and I can't rely on them for anything... but now I don't even have my girlfriend. My friends from back home that I don't see anymore have always told me what a great person I am, or how caring and strong I am in the face of awful circumstances. I've had so many bad things happen to me and I just don't know why I'm not allowed to ever relax and be in love, and it makes my throat tighten and I start crying every time I think about it! I've learned the hard way that you don't know what you have until it's gone -- and it's like I am continually given this lesson despite a very familiar knowledge and understanding of it. Please tell me there are girls out there that are right for me... girls that can appreciate things and not take things for granted. Who can be happy by just being with me, or who won't beat around the bush and crush my feelings over and over. Someone who is willing to talk about issues and fix things without giving up over the first sign of distress. Someone who can return my "I love you"s... and mean them. Someone who can just stand still with me and enjoy the moment. I miss that head-over-heels love and it makes me so sad that my feelings are no longer reciprocated... I understand that every relationship starts off with a "honeymoon" stage but I also understand that when it ends, it doesn't mean the relationship has to either, nor do the loving feelings and fun have to cease. It takes two people to have a relationship and it can't survive on one person alone. I just feel... so lonely. I feel like I no longer have anyone in my life.
jerbear Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I know it is crunch time for you, I'm in it myself. What happened to the current gf you are seeing? Perhaps you and her can do something this weekend before reading week?
KittenMoon Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Please tell me there are girls out there that are right for me... girls that can appreciate things and not take things for granted. Who can be happy by just being with me, or who won't beat around the bush and crush my feelings over and over. Someone who is willing to talk about issues and fix things without giving up over the first sign of distress. Someone who can return my "I love you"s... and mean them. Someone who can just stand still with me and enjoy the moment. You're in college, which means you are young and there's a lot of time ahead of you, a lot of people left to meet, etc. Stop looking for love and start looking for people who intrigue you, make you happy, etc. Love comes from that. As for your above quote- those girls are out there. I'd consider myself one of them, and I know I'm not the only one. Sometimes these sort of people are elusive until the moment is right.
Author Vertex Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 My current gf... is not really my current, but she is my fourth, the one I was talking about above. We broke up and technically got back "together" but she didn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend and it's just falling apart. She didn't return my I-love-you last night and she's avoiding me. I know there's going to be a fight later most likely... KittenMoon: I suppose... it's just that love is something I've always sought because it made me the happiest. jerbear where do you go to school now? Are you a grad student?
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Don't worry abut girlfriends, be more optimistic about yourself. I think you're in a negative spiral, while trying to please everyone around you, you forget about yourself. That is not what you want from life, is it? I understand you have a hard time with those people dying and the family situation. But I was thinking: -You helped a lot of people, you did the right thing, be proud of it. -You don't have a drinking problem do you? Be proud that you didn't end up liek those family members that do. -Find things that make you a good person and be proud of yourself. -You've don nothing wrong in the relationship, did you? Well, is she worth your sorrow? (Don't think so) Maybe try to find new hobbies, things to do, and friends. Social things that aren't just about helping others, but also about having fun. You are probably a great guy, don't let those woman get you down. If they treat you bad, ditch them! And laugh about it... There are lots of woman, and there are probably milions that will treat you right....
Author Vertex Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 I don't know what I did wrong... I know I was a little clingy for a while but I was quickly able to stop it when it I was finally told that I was clingy (I hadn't realized it before honestly), and I know my family death put a slight strain on things due to stress but this is not something I controlled. I tried my best to keep my negativity out of the relationship and I feel like I did a good job doing so. Despite trying to entertain my girlfriend with new things she always felt like things were too routine, but even in her own life she finds that very few things excite her anymore. I just feel like I constantly give and get nothing but rejection in return. I am not a doormat either, but perhaps I let her walk over me for too long. She oftentimes has difficulty recalling exactly why we even broke up in the first place -- she admits she is confused and doesn't know if the decisions she is making are the wrong ones, but she continues to talk to people who have nothing but negativity for me. As for drinking no, I didn't fall into that cycle. I needed to keep clear for school and such. I am proud of myself, but being proud of yourself won't get you a girl that loves you. Hopefully you are right about the milions-of-girls thing... if there are so many then I hope I run into one eventually.
Walk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I am proud of myself, but being proud of yourself won't get you a girl that loves you. Hopefully you are right about the milions-of-girls thing... if there are so many then I hope I run into one eventually. It will, as long as it isn't in an arrogant way. I think your gf sounds selfish and immature right now. My ex's father passed away while we were together, and I saw how devestating that was for him. He did become clingy, and moody, depressed, and stressed. It was incredibly hard on him. As a significant other, my job was to help him through it in anyway I could. If that meant giving him more attention in his clingy mode, or letting him talk, letting him know it was okay to feel sad and greave. But it doesn't sound as if your gf was willig to help you with any of this. That she wanted only fun and joy and to hell with how you really felt. That isn't love in my opinion. I do know that the harder you look for love, the more reclusive it seems to become. Do something good for yourself for a change. Not for anyone else, just for you. I think you really deserve it after all the hard work you've done to make others happy.
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I think you might have been concentrating to much on that girl. She isn't the answer to problems and won't make you happy. You tried hard, but got nothing in return. Even though you tried, she's not going to change. If she doesn't fele positive about the relationship you will be watsing your tiem trying to fix soemthing you can't fix. You need to find poeple who like you for who you are. I wouldn't try to fix things. I would move on if I were you. Find poeple that like you and find things that will keep you occupied and give you new friends (I suggest things like sports, first aid course and so on). If you are happy without a girlfriend, finding a girl becomes less important and strangely enough it wil get easier to find one.
jerbear Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Vertex: I am a grad student, last semester. I was in your shoes once as 2nd year, many years ago. I had friends who were serial daters, multi daters, while I was putzing around parttime, fulltime, paying for college, no gf throughout the time, didn't even pursue, nice guy, lost opportunities, etc... Guess I'm a late bloomer. I ended a relationship in Jan and it was 5 years of chasing, her controlling, no boundaries, etc... The school does have many activities, just not right now as the semester is ending. How I do it is try to be self-sufficient and sometimes have unorthodox methods. We won't go there... think what happens in vegas stays in vegas... I have also learned to recover fast from my mistakes in real life and in the pursuit of "love." I life there are users, abusers, psychos, great people, commit phobes; sometimes it takes awhile to find them out. I hate to profile but it took me 5 years of knocking down barriers to get to her heart and then she ran. I miss her and want to talk to her but know it would be a game to her. So... I have done NC, get my degree, then reevaluate life. I am also ALOT better man/catch after the degree is done; for the "typical woman" I'm after. Think Wharton... Another thing about love is one has to be able to get up and brush off the dirt, learn from ones experiences, and move on. I am about to ask a girl out today during lunch but decided to post on LS. Go figure to help a fellow Quaker...
Author Vertex Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 What degree are you after? I'm trying to go for a dual College/Wharton degree but I don't know how plausible it will be, haha. And yes I do think I need to move on. Right now she's playing the "ignore me" game where she just cuts off all contact for no reason at all and makes me chase after her only to have her reject me and then give me false hope. Although I think I am done with that game. This school is so big and yet I know so few! Where does one go to actually meet cool people whose lives don't constantly involve getting wasted? Despite this school being known for having bright students I feel like so many of them around me are very immature. Walk: Was the death a contributing factor to his now-ex status?
Author Vertex Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Also, a note about Wharton: I don't know if you're going into ibanking, but if so, what are your opinions with regards to maintaining a relationship/family? I've worked with such people before (bankers/lawyers) and a lot of them did not seem to have much time for things outside of work, and a few did not have families at all.
jerbear Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 What degree are you after? I'm trying to go for a dual College/Wharton degree but I don't know how plausible it will be, haha.[/Quote] very plausible, you just have to try. Wharton is think big and attempt. Take some finance courses, econ 101, and if you get A's in them; go for a dual degree. Do mind that dual degree also means you have no life but when you graduate and goto Wall Street, think $100k+ salary AND no life! I say go for it because it is easier to go down than up. Took me over 10 years to get a Penn degree and getting a MGA now, I was rejected twice (Wharton and Wharton MBA), so focus and determination can make it plausible. And yes I do think I need to move on. Right now she's playing the "ignore me" game where she just cuts off all contact for no reason at all and makes me chase after her only to have her reject me and then give me false hope. Although I think I am done with that game.[/Quote] Wait awhile.... but do know it is a game. Depends on how you feel when she calls you. Do you REALLY want her back then? In the mean time, live YOUR life and goto hay day. This school is so big and yet I know so few! Where does one go to actually meet cool people whose lives don't constantly involve getting wasted? Despite this school being known for having bright students I feel like so many of them around me are very immature. Goto Locust walk right now, I was roaming there looking, ahem... I mean walking around...
Author Vertex Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 I can like, SEE Locust Walk from here... ironically enough that place is where I saw the most attractive females en-route to class, but alas there's little reason to randomly stop someone without the intention being obvious As for Econ: Yep, taking a bunch of them, doing alright I think But 100k salary and no life, necessarily better than 70k with a life? Or better yet 200k with a life? Ohhh the possibilities I shall go to Hay Day... as for the game, perhaps it is so. I mean thinking about everything, I am thinking maybe I was a rebound gone too far? She had just broken up with her ex-bf 1.7ish years ago and four months later I came along while she was a mess and I think she was desperately after love, much like how I feel now. We met and things were great and she attached to me quickly, but after a year and a half perhaps the problems that have arisen are too much for her to handle for a dwindling interest? PS: I congratulate you on your eventual degree It will definitely do a lot of good, haha
jerbear Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I can like, SEE Locust Walk from here... ironically enough that place is where I saw the most attractive females en-route to class, but alas there's little reason to randomly stop someone without the intention being obvious why not? shows gusto and if you want to be a Wharton grad, better show some balls in the ballroom, broadroom, bedroom, and Locust Walk(room). laughs! :lmao: As for Econ: Yep, taking a bunch of them, doing alright I think But 100k salary and no life, necessarily better than 70k with a life? Or better yet 200k with a life? Ohhh the possibilities Possible, it is called business ownership! I shall go to Hay Day... as for the game, perhaps it is so. I mean thinking about everything, I am thinking maybe I was a rebound gone too far? She had just broken up with her ex-bf 1.7ish years ago and four months later I came along while she was a mess and I think she was desperately after love, much like how I feel now. We met and things were great and she attached to me quickly, but after a year and a half perhaps the problems that have arisen are too much for her to handle for a dwindling interest?[/Quote] Sounds like a rebound to me. firery passionate love/lust tends to die as fast as they come. PS: I congratulate you on your eventual degree It will definitely do a lot of good, haha Thanks! See you in like 4-6 years when I can really call you a fellow alum.
MadDog Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Please tell me there are girls out there that are right for me... girls that can appreciate things and not take things for granted. After reading the rest of your post, I've concluded you're too damn accomodating. I've yet to meet a girl who wouldn't begin to take for granted guys like you & simultaneously get bored in the process. By being so accomodating, you're sending out the message that your life doesn't matter and you're only out to please the girl you're with. Sounds great if you live in a chick flick but in actuality, girls don't respect guys like that. When you hear a girl say, "I want to be with a sweet guy like that!" it's bulls***. They'll soon get bored too & find another guy who is more assertive.
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