Author silentjuliet Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Well, in my defense ...and I haven't defended myself at all in this (because believe me I know I'm a little fool hehe) as I said ...He began the emails. I didn't start that. And I didn't continue the coorespondence initially ...he did. When I didn't respond after the first two or three times we cooresponded ...he sent another email starting another topic...asking to read my stories if I didn't mind. Then from there it has continued...But I too could have stopped. As someone said early on in the thread ...I should have not even allowed him to offer a shoulder and an ear. I should have politely been discreet and left it at that ...But I wanted to see something more in his intentions and well...here I am! THe content of his emails are what is innocent ...but I haven't overloaded anyone with anything. I have responded shortly and platonically to everything he has continued to email me. I agree that he most likely doesn't want more than friendship ...and I'm not innocent ...but I haven't heavily emailed someone against their will. He had/has every opportunity to stop emailing and asking me questions if the advances were unwanted...I haven't crossed any lines that are obvious. In my mind I have but everything I've done via email has been respectable and mutual. oh, I forgot to say ...you are so right about playing up my own damn emotions. I've done nothing but set myself up continuely to be broken to pieces. Every day something influences either elation or depression ...when ever I see him it can leave me feeling great or it can leave me feeling horrific. It's like I'm abusing myself. It's hard to make it stop.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 oh, I forgot to say ...you are so right about playing up my own damn emotions. I've done nothing but set myself up continuely to be broken to pieces. Every day something influences either elation or depression ...when ever I see him it can leave me feeling great or it can leave me feeling horrific. It's like I'm abusing myself. It's hard to make it stop. I know what you mean! I torture myself everyday since the day I crossed the line. If you think that you are in emotinal turmoil right now... wait until after you've become physical with him! Then the rollercoaster ride really starts! The lows will be more frequent and 100X worse than what it is now! Trust me! I am left more confused now than before I knew how he felt about me!! What does that tell you?? Stay away from this. Do not go any further. My best advice. Ignorance is bliss!
Author silentjuliet Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 "I have been where you were. There was a time that i was still trying to figure out the OM's feelings for me. Were they real or was I imagining the attraction from him? Well, I crossed the line - I kissed him. We've explored each other's bodies in all imaginable ways but have not had penetrative sex. Now? We hate ourselves for that! It is so weird. What I am going through... I wouldn't wish it on anybody. That's why I am telling you to not sucumb to temptation. Knowing how "love" feels won't make you happier" Sorry, I'm learning slowly how to use this forum ...and the quote box hasn't clicked with me yet... I wanted to put this in a seperate reply. I have thought long and hard about this part of the issue...I feel for him. I know I"m in love with him. That alone makes me want something but know that I can't do anything about it. Why? Because I love him so much that I know that proceeding with this path would destroy everything ...even with him (IF he even felt the same that is...or isn't gay...) ... I would want a NORMAL dating relationship with him. I would want something good and pure before something hot and naughty. For me it's not so much physical ...although when I see him I'm so attracted to him. He must be gay because he knows how to listen and how to be so kind ...how to say things right. And if you knew him ...he's so NOT a player. But I have thought about the path it could take if he was mutual...if it became an affair ...it would be sexual and not right and I wonder if the relationship would turn into something just exciting and thrilling ...and destroy all the emotion and goodness out of it. The friendship. The bond.... I wouldn't want to ruin it. I guess overall my love for him means I would do anything to keep his friendship ...meaning ...never act on anything but being a good friend. But unfortuantly ...as everyone can agree ...friendship while someone wants more than that ...can never work. EDIT: your last reply: It sounds like affairs are like DRUG addictions. And I read that falling in love carries the same symptoms as mental illness ...whew.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 ...although when I see him I'm so attracted to him. He must be gay because he knows how to listen and how to be so kind ...how to say things right. And if you knew him ...he's so NOT a player. I feel like we are talking about the same OM, now! My OM is also very, very good looking. If you can imagine how a Calvin Klein underwear supermodel looks like... my OM looks even better! And he is not a player! That's why we don't want to pursue an affair. But the ache... that's the hardest part of my days. That's why I am here, on LS! I cannot tell my OM what I feel, so i tell you guys! I delete my emails to him before I send them. It is true. You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings with... especially after you've been intimate. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I see him again. (We haven't seen each other for 5 months.)
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Sorry... did you see post #27? Somehow it got inserted before you post.
Author silentjuliet Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Oh my gosh! 5 Months. I can't imagine a week without contact with this man. And I've already nearly died not responding to his email. And after I wrote this post today I saw him today because I had to drop off our vehicle to their office for it to be inspected (military thing for four day weekends) ...he had to inspect it for us. And here he is ...in front of me. Complimenting my new outfit and his lopsided grin. I think that made it easier to not respond to his email because I saw him unplanned. Tomorrow will be hard ...I won't see him...and I won't be responding to his email. He's not what every woman would find attractive. He's half an inch shorter than me ...I wear high heels most of the time so I stand taller than him usually. And he's balding ...but shaved military cut makes it not noticiable. He's 10 years older than I am ...but very physically fit. He's got the most beautiful, big green-blue eyes I've ever seen. They are puppy dog eyes. To me he is the most handsome man I've ever seen. I felt it as soon as I looked into his eyes for the first time. I don't know what happened. Then we started talking at get togethers ...and office functions...etc. It was like it was meant to be to meet him ...to get to know him. There was a bond instantly. I know he felt the bond too ...that was obvious. But of course bonds are different for everyone. I'm bonded to my best friend and we have no sexual tension! LOL. But he's not noticable for most people. He's easy to miss. But not for me. No ma'am. Five months. I'm proud of you and admire that. But I don't know how you aren't pulling your hair out by the roots. This is going to be a HARD road ahead of me ...so at least we haven't been physical.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 And I want to repeat ...I AM stopping contact except for when I can't help it ...(when he comes over to hang with our other guyfriends at our house). And I am taking everyone's advice to still consider counselling. Thank you so much everyone. I just want to remind you of your determination to stop contact with him. Recognize that most of what you "know" about him is an illusion. You cannot fully know a person until you've live a year with them - or at least a month! I thought that my husband was everything I wanted in a mate. Hah! We even lived together for 3 months before we got married... you'd think I'd know him by then! Now that we've been married 10 years, he has not changed one bit for the better, only for the worse. What I am trying to say is, you may be attracted to your version of him, rather the the actual person. I tell myself this... and that's how I get by, day in and out without my OM. It is not easy... but like any drug user who is weaning off drugs... it is mandatory. It is deserved, even. I probably shouldn't tell you this... I do not regret being intimate with my OM. It was wonderful... everything... the best "sex" ever. However, I do regret that I married my H. That does tell you a lot about my marriage, doesn't it? I think about divorcing my husband almost every day for the past year and intermittently before that. But there are a million reasons why we shouldn't. No one who knows us thinks I should leave my H. Primary reason: he's a good provider. That's all he is to me. We cannot even hold a conversation for more than 1 minute! The funniest part? he doesn't even think our marriage is in trouble. he chucks it to me being "moody". He asks me to take trips with him... these are nice trips, don't get me wrong... but just the thought of us being together for 84 hours together non-stop makes me cringe!! (That makes me look bad, doesn't it? Heck, I am anonymous here so I will 'say' what I want.) And I do come out and tell him exactly how I feel about taking a trip with him. But again, he chucks it to my "moodiness." On my 'better moods", I'd tell him that I couldn't take the trip with him because I couldn't take time off work... in the middle of an important presentation, etc. I am ranting here... on you thread. I am sorry if I bored you.
Author silentjuliet Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I know what you mean! I torture myself everyday since the day I crossed the line. If you think that you are in emotinal turmoil right now... wait until after you've become physical with him! Then the rollercoaster ride really starts! The lows will be more frequent and 100X worse than what it is now! Trust me! I am left more confused now than before I knew how he felt about me!! What does that tell you?? Stay away from this. Do not go any further. My best advice. Ignorance is bliss! Oh, now I understand quoting. How simple. Duh. I did miss this...thanks for pointing it out to me. Yes, I feel a moth drawn to the bug zapper. I will try so hard. I'm addicted to this forum so I hope that I can find strength in reading about other's experiences ...maybe it will preoccupy me from other activities. I'm going to need something to keep me away from my email. *sigh* As for being more confused ...I wonder if it's worse because now he has taken something from you and you from him and being left completely with nothing now ...do you feel cheated from something? Did you expect it to never end...were you not thinking of anything at all but the moment? That is how I feel. I live for every small moment. I've heard that the most thrilling part is the chase. The beginning when the feelings are new and ignorance leaves hope. What you get it ...it's never what people expect. It's never easy ...it's always complicated. It's never like they show in movies or write in romance novels. Knowing all this ...until you are in it I'm sure one never knows or believes it will be so terrible. Even now ...rationally I know what you are saying is true. I can IMAGINE why it's worse. But I'm afraid my emotions override my logic on a daily basis. What would you have done differently if you could go back to that turning point? Have you ever thought about that or do you not waste time dwelling on that?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Ok, this is weird. I posted answers to most of your questions without reading them!!
Author silentjuliet Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I keep posting as you post! No you aren't boring me AT all. ""I probably shouldn't tell you this... I do not regret being intimate with my OM. It was wonderful... everything... the best "sex" ever. However, I do regret that I married my H. That does tell you a lot about my marriage, doesn't it? "" I just asked you that in the post right after yours ...haha. Weird. I guess that answered my question about if you would change it if you could go back. I've noticed that every mistake I've made in my life ...terrible things came after...but midst that ...so did good things. New lessons, more wisdom ...I became deeper a person. And there are the little joys we have in life that we always pay for ...it's never free. So, I guess you felt it was worth it? I dont' think in my situation it's worth it. And what you said makes sense ...to remember he's an illusion. I tell myself that often ...that I see in him what I want to see ...I see his flaws and believe that they are flaws I could deal with. I'm sure once it became real I would think ...wait...what was I thinking? I agree about not knowing someone. I lived with my hubby for 4 months before we married. We were engaged but it was easier to live with one another at the time. We had massive problems but I believed I could change everything to the way I wanted it. I thought that I would mold him into what I wanted. Boy was I wrong. I was 20 years old when I marred. I dated him at 19. I was best friends with him at 18. Young and stupid. I'm about to head to bed (took an allergy pill and it makes me drowsy) ...if you reply I will read and respond in the morning. I've enjoyed listening to your point of view so dont' think you are boring me.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Do not take my view of my affair as yours. Your experience may be very different! As I see it, it has only been 5 months since our liason. I am still hopelessly in love with him, and I'd be intimate with him again if we meet again! Being on LS has taught me that even these feelings can change to anger and worse.... I don't want to ever HATE him. That's why I am staying away from him. I don't want to develop more feelings for him that I already have. And that is why I am on LS. I really, really want to be able to see him and be friendly with him without any sexual undertones. Right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him. And I am glad that he lives far away. I do panic about the summer... because he usually comes to visit us then. Hopefully, I'd be completely healed by then. I do want to see him very much. But I won't if i cannot keep my hands to myself. That I promised myself. It has nothing to do with my husband, though. It is about me and being able to walk with pride.
Author silentjuliet Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Do not take my view of my affair as yours. Your experience may be very different! As I see it, it has only been 5 months since our liason. I am still hopelessly in love with him, and I'd be intimate with him again if we meet again! Being on LS has taught me that even these feelings can change to anger and worse.... I don't want to ever HATE him. That's why I am staying away from him. I don't want to develop more feelings for him that I already have. And that is why I am on LS. I really, really want to be able to see him and be friendly with him without any sexual undertones. Right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him. And I am glad that he lives far away. I do panic about the summer... because he usually comes to visit us then. Hopefully, I'd be completely healed by then. I do want to see him very much. But I won't if i cannot keep my hands to myself. That I promised myself. It has nothing to do with my husband, though. It is about me and being able to walk with pride. Hi there, Oh, I'm not comparing ...but I am comparing the feelings of illicit love and how similiar it affects people even in its different ways. I understand what you are saying though. I guess it's parting on good terms ...left with good memories ...instead of something ugly and sorrid. And yes ...Pride is the most powerful thing to me. I think my pride is more powerful than any other emotion I have.
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