Should I take it as a message?

[silentjuliet]

I wasn't sure where this should go on this forum ...this seemed the closest to the subject matter.

 

He's really my guyfriend (for now). He's also a coworker/friend with my husband. We email back and forth everyday about small talk. He is the one that started emailing me when he heard that I had a lot going on in my life. He said he wanted to offer a shoulder and an ear. He used to ask me a lot of questions about my life and family and hobbies. He loves to read my short stories and thinks I'm a great writer. So, far ...it's platonic.

 

But since we started emailing regularly he has started to act different with me in person. He went from giving me a lot of attention and smiling when he would see me to now not smiling and barely paying any attention to me. He used to give me extended eye contact ...to hardly any eye contact. He hardly even says goodbye to me when he leaves our house. He gives my husband more of the attention now. (He and I are NEVER alone together unfortuantly so I have no idea if he'd be the same way if we were alone without husband or mutual guyfriends around).

 

I used to suspect he had feelings for me...that he felt the same way I feel for him. Now I'm not so sure. Emailing seemed to change something. Yet, why would he take time out of his busy schedule to continue emailing me if he didn't have feelings?

 

If I wasn't getting emails from him ...I would have assumed the guy dislikes me now. His emails sound one way and his actions in person say something else. It's a drastic change.

 

Am I a fool? He says he looks forward to my emails ...but I wonder if I should stop emailing him to see if it makes him return to normal in person.

 

What do you all think? I'm so in love with him and I want to tell him but with his behavior I'm starting to doubt it's mutual. His body language used to say "I'm attracted to you" ...his concern for my welfare used to show me he had feelings for me...but now? I don't know what to think anymore.

[sami]

The poor guy is so confused. He's caught between his feelings towards you and his relationship with your husband. It all depends on which one is stronger on his system. He is really at crossroads.

[Elyssa]

I think that he might have caught on YOUR feelings for him and he's trying to keep the friendship without leading you on to think he wants something further, hence why he's avoiding extended eye contact and things that could be interpreted wrong.

 

Just because he cares about your welfare doesn't mean he wants to sleep with you

 

-E

[whichwayisup]

He said he wanted to offer a shoulder and an ear.

 

That is your first red flag. Your response to that,"Thanks, but I have a husband to talk to about my stuff that is going on..."

 

You should be talking to your women friends, not relying on another man. Just think if your husband knew. Reverse the situation! What if your husband was talking and being a "shoulder" for another woman? Emailing her, falling inlove with her, sharing personal issues with her...Getting closer emotionally or even physically...How would you feel? How would you react?

 

The fact too, this man is YOUR husbands friend. His CO-WORKER. Hopefully this man is smart enough NOT to act upon any sexual urges. It would ruin your husband's working relationship with this guy too, let alone, the friendship.

 

Please think about what you're doing, what signals you're sending off. And most of all, the loss of trust your husband will feel for you if he finds out this is going on behind his back.

[silentjuliet]

Thanks for all your responses and so quickly! I appreciate this.

 

Sami- I hope that is all it is. If he feels mutual or not ...I at least want his friendship. We are so alike and have the same hobbies, dreams, attitude. Perhaps, it's meant only to be a strong friendship.

 

Elyssa - You are probably right. I've definitely considered this. I tried to be brief in email ...to back off ...and then he continues it with small talk. It's like he doesn't really want to stop emailing ...you'd think that since he might know I feel more and he doesn't want more he'd just take advantage of my cue that I'm willing to stop email contact as well. I'm not a chaser. I like to be chased.

 

whichwayisup - He is smart enough I think. I think that IF he even felt anything beyond friendship for me he would never act on it. I do think he's a "good" man despite his feelings he does the right things. We never "go there" with anything too personal. And I think that it's HE that keeps it from going there.

 

My husband actually knows about it. He doesn't know my feelings though and I can't justify myself and I'm not proud of my feelings. But to be honest I want him to feel the same ...it's what I want and I know what I want is wrong. I'm definitely a fool.

[Sami_D]

What are you asking about..? How to have an affair with your husband's friend

 

Now why do you want to go and ruin the poor guy's life?

[zarathustra]

SJ, while you cannot control how you feel, you can control what you do. It sounds to me (from the jist of your email) that if your h's friend is willing, that you would engage in an affair with him. It sounds to me like you are emotionally tied to him too. I hope I have not read you wrong.

 

I think that you should read some of the posts on being an OW and think about the pain you may cause your h and his friend should you continue on this road of devastation. If you love your H, then be thankful that his friend is avoiding you when he visits your home. He sounds like a decent human being.

[whichwayisup]

My husband actually knows about it. He doesn't know my feelings though and I can't justify myself and I'm not proud of my feelings. But to be honest I want him to feel the same ...it's what I want and I know what I want is wrong. I'm definitely a fool.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but that's a very selfish statement to say! SNAP out of it! You say you're not proud of yourself and the feelings you have for this other man, you know it's wrong and you want him anyway. DO you have any idea how your life will change for the worse when your husband finds out? And he WILL. Wanna know why? Because him being your husband, he knows you. He will see how you 'are' and 'react' around HIS friend/co-worker. The signs are all there, waiting to be noticed...I'm sure it won't be long before your husband picks up on the clues. What then? You lie to him and say that guy is JUST a friend?? That you have no intention of letting anything happen? In your mind, you're already AT that point. It's happened in your head, you're just waiting for the right time for "something" physical or "confession" of feelings conversation with the OM.

 

Your husband knows you two are friends, but thinks it's completely INNOCENT so he TRUSTS you. You're SO close to losing the love, respect and trust your husband feels for you...

 

Hope this OM is worth all this.

[silentjuliet]

zarathustra -

 

You are right and you understood correctly the point of my post. Yes, I would be willing. I won't give a list of why and what is going on with my marriage because i don't want to appear I'm justifying myself ...but believe me my husband is under no illusion about our marriage. We are in dire times and are both in therapy. But I do not and cannot justify my feelings or potential actions. Because nothing justifies such a thing.

 

Thank you for honest words. I think you are right. He's decent. I think I'll stop emailing him. Just being his friend pains me and leaves me always wanting something else.

[silentjuliet]

whichwayisup - You are right. You all have helped. I guess you all are saying what I needed (although not wanted) to hear. You are all completely right. I feel my heart is broken. My husband and I already probably won't make it (massive marital problems) ...but even if the guy was willing and I was seperated ...it wouldn't be worth it. He is too closely affiliated with my husband and he is my husband's friend/coworker too. Not just my friend.

 

It's harsh but I guess I needed harsh. *sigh* It just hurts so much.

[Sami_D]

I won't give a list of why and what is going on with my marriage because i don't want to appear I'm justifying myself ...but believe me my husband is under no illusion about our marriage. We are in dire times and are both in therapy.

 

Getting another person involved is just not the best way to go about things. I'm sure you don't need anyone to tell you that!

 

Fix up the M or get out of it... having an A is just not a good plan, and you'll probably ALL end up hurt from this.

 

Best of luck.

[Sami_D]

whichwayisup - You are right. You all have helped. I guess you all are saying what I needed (although not wanted) to hear. You are all completely right. I feel my heart is broken. My husband and I already probably won't make it (massive marital problems) ...but even if the guy was willing and I was seperated ...it wouldn't be worth it. He is too closely affiliated with my husband and he is my husband's friend/coworker too. Not just my friend.

 

It's harsh but I guess I needed harsh. *sigh* It just hurts so much.

 

Hey... if you really are going to get separated, and divorced... then who is to say what may happen in the future with this man? If you're free... you're free. Your (ex)H might not view it in so bad a light you know a way down the line.

[silentjuliet]

Sami-D - You are absolutely correct. They are military ...so imagine how messy something like this is when there is no where to run. You can't just quit and run off together. That's not just an affair ...that's considered AWOL. *sigh* Thanks for reality. I just need to keep repeating this to my damn self to get it through my head.

 

edited for your last message :

 

Just as I said ...military...too close quarters. And I think some of the people are right ...it's not mutual for him. He really hasn't done anything to suggest it's more than friendship. He might just be the lonely man that he is that enjoys what I have to say...nothing more.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup - You are right. You all have helped. I guess you all are saying what I needed (although not wanted) to hear. You are all completely right. I feel my heart is broken. My husband and I already probably won't make it (massive marital problems) ...but even if the guy was willing and I was seperated ...it wouldn't be worth it. He is too closely affiliated with my husband and he is my husband's friend/coworker too. Not just my friend.

 

It's harsh but I guess I needed harsh. *sigh* It just hurts so much.

 

Then go to marriage counselling and FIX your marriage. Give it a chance.

 

Right now you're allowing your intense emotions for this guy to take over your LOVE for your husband.

 

Yes, you DO love your husband but you're focussing on the other man more so ofcourse you're confusing yourself too.

 

You have ALOT to lose, k. Your house, your life as you know it. Security, your families, friends, all of that. Take a step back and think about these things...

 

Seriously, GO to counselling. STOP thinking/feeling/seeing this other man. He is NO good for you and no good will ever come of this.

[sami]

"Then go to marriage counselling and FIX your marriage.". That's exactly what you need to do ASAP.

[silentjuliet]

I wish we could. We've tried. I just can't get over things he did. My anger just won't subside. I felt this way long before our guyfriend got in the picture. I've stayed so long because of the comfortable life and because all of what he earned I earned equally from us both working hard (career wise) for so many years. Together with both our jobs we live comfortably ...he has asked me to stay for at least that ...that and he's tried hard to fix things even when working together on it didn't work.

 

Like I said ...I didn't want to say why because it would lead people to the conclusion I'm justifying myself for my feelings for someone else. But I bring it up not to explain why I don't see our marriage working regardless of the other situation...my husband has been there and done that and I guess I've never forgiven him for that. It was a different situation ...let's call it an anger-f*** (sorry for my language) ...but it was betrayal none the less.

 

Now I'm in this situation and I understand how it such things could happen. But my feelings are emotional/love/adoration more so than physical or out of spite. But I don't want to do what he did. I want to be the better person even if mentally I'm just as horrible. Like I said ...I didn't bring this up before because I don't want anyone to confuse this with my feelings for someone else. This was something that happened three years ago...but I've been unhappy since three years ago. Now I meet someone else for the first time that gives me good feelings ...and that's where I am now.

 

I've considered personal counselling to see if that will help with my anger issues over our past. I'll still consider it. Especially, since I will have to stop contact with this person and I"ll need therapy over that too. My life is so dysfunctional.

 

And I want to repeat ...I AM stopping contact except for when I can't help it ...(when he comes over to hang with our other guyfriends at our house). And I am taking everyone's advice to still consider counselling. Thank you so much everyone.

[lovernotafighter]

I'm not gonna tell you to fix your marriage..if it's broken then the fair thing to do for everyone is for you to get a divorce.

 

I think if your marriage was fixable you would be working on it.. like me I got advice to fix my marriage,but Ive done everything I can..it's over. but I believe my emptiness lead me to a affair and I have to tell you SJ,though my A filled a small void the pain from it's wake was a 100 times more devastating to me..and if anyone found out It would destroy lives as well.

 

I am on my way to a divorce but I just wish I wouldn't of had a affair in the process..please just don't do it..quit writing him and get ready to to divorce your husband because this feeling you have is only more proof you need to move on..

 

once it's over you'll have that feeling again for someone else..someone who deserves your heart,not someone waiting for a opportunity to scoop up his buddy's hurting wife...which everyone says he's a decent fellow..think again...he's circling you like a vulture..the e-mails are finding your weakness,you can trust me on this...I was naive to a husbands friend and it turned out that's exactly what he was up to....a man of opportunity to be sure.

[sami]

" We are so alike and have the same hobbies, dreams, attitude." If that's true then you need to free yourself first from your husband and go to him.

[lovernotafighter]

" We are so alike and have the same hobbies, dreams, attitude." If that's true then you need to free yourself first from your husband and go to him.

 

nah I don't think so...I think this new guy is trying to appeal to her when he knows she having problems..I think when she's free she needs more than this guy has to offer her.

[silentjuliet]

lovernotafighter - Thanks for sharing that with me. I just don't know what his intentions are anymore but I think I've been fooling myself. I really do wonder if it's innocent. Especially, since the way he is acting in person. He's just not the same. It's such a change and I hate the change. It's colder/aloof/unattentive. It's like he doesn't WANT to look at me or talk to me. And yet...his emails (though they are short and silly or quirky) ...keep coming in response to mine. It really does seem innocent. I'm the one that isn't innocent. *sigh*

 

Sami - I have so many fantasies of doing that. You have no idea. It just doesn't seem feasible. Leaving my husband is beyond feasible. I'm trying to finish up some of our debt payments ...credit card bills and such ...I'm in the process of setting us up for clean break. All the while H and I are just polite. We haven't been intimate for months. That's how bad it is. Polite, friendly, but platonic ...that's how life with hubby is now. It's embarrassing and lonely. I don't think this guy feels the same ...I think I was fooling myself. He's lonely and wants a friend. Who knows ...he could be gay. He doesn't date.

[sami]

sure it's not and you know it.

[silentjuliet]

*sigh* I guess I won't be finding out either way. In a way I feel free. Broken but free.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

 

I don't have any advice for you. But I want to tell you that I am in a very similar situation as you. I am in love with my husband's best friend. Out of the respect for his friend, my OM avoids getting involved with me, too!

 

I have been married a long time... and it gets worse every year. On good days, we'd have some conversation and sex. But my feelings for him are dead a long time ago.

 

One thing you mentioned about your OM raised a red flag to me: that he doesn't date. You know, he is probably GAY. I have gay friends - they keep themselves clean and groomed which attract many women. But one of the things that annoys them is being hit on by the women they know. They don't want to announce to every person that they are gay, but they can't seem to brush these women who constantly hit on them. You said that your OM is in the military... so that could be the other reason why he's acting so strange. (The first reason being out of respect for your husband.)

 

Take care. I know there's a long journey ahead of you.

 

Try to stop emailing him so much. I don't think it is doing you any good.

[silentjuliet]

Knowhowlovefeels - Thank you for sharing with me. Oddly enough my hubby and I have joked lightly about him maybe being gay only due to the fact that he doesn't date.

 

However, hubby says that having worked around a lot of gays in the past pre-military ...he usually can get that vibe working closely with someone and he just doesn't get that from him. He says that in the past he had mentioned being fed up with relationships...he broke up with someone he loved and for three years has been angry afterwards. She married someone else and started a family. When ever he has mentioned her he gets really weird. So, if he isn't gay then he may be pining ...but who knows. Men have libidos ...and the fact he doesn't at least look for that ...in the military of all places ...leaves me to wonder.

 

He just doesn't act like any gay men I've known. But I don't stereotype so he could just be the unique person he is no matter his orientation.

 

I guess what it comes down to is one would never know unless he shares it.

 

I could come off as flirty and coming on ...but if I were asked if I think I do ...I don't think I do. I speak with him on a very intellectual level about so man random things when I'm around him. And I'm very shy at that ...so I'm always looking away or looking down. I'm a pretty lady but I'm not very confident in the flirting area ...my guess is if he has any idea of my feelings it's by my regular emails...

 

We email too much. Lately it has picked up several times a day but with shorter emails each time...like little fun emails that are meaningless and silly. It's just too much and it hurts now that I have doubts in his affections/intentions and doubts in if it's worth all the hell it would cause for everyone.

 

I haven't responded to his last email all day. And I am convincing myself every hour to NOT respond to it at all ...if I can make it today and tomorrow maybe I will actually prove to take this cut of communication seriously.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

He just doesn't act like any gay men I've known.

 

Hah! Gay men can act like any heterosexual men! In fact, they can act more "manly" than many geeks/nerds who are heterosexual. (Sorry, I did not mean to offend any one... you know what I mean.) Most gay friends of mine made me take a double when they first revealed their orientation to me.

 

 

I could come off as flirty and coming on ...but if I were asked if I think I do ...I don't think I do. I speak with him on a very intellectual level about so man random things when I'm around him. And I'm very shy at that ...so I'm always looking away or looking down. I'm a pretty lady but I'm not very confident in the flirting area ...my guess is if he has any idea of my feelings it's by my regular emails...

 

Actually, people - whether they are female or male - sense attraction from the opposite sex in very subtle ways. It could be a subconscious act to you, but he may perceive it differently.... The heavy load of emails can give him the vibe that you want more from him.

 

In any case, I think we can agree that he is trying to not pursue an affair with you... at least outwardly. Do not try to make the relationship between the two of you any more intense that it already is. You know that you are playing with emotions - your emotions! Women always end up being the hurt ones because we care about how other people feel about themselves and about us.

 

Ok, I do have an advice for you: do not cross the line. Do not hand him your heart. THere will be nothing good coming out of this liason. Both of you will be hurt, but you will be more so because you are married.

 

I have been where you were. There was a time that i was still trying to figure out the OM's feelings for me. Were they real or was I imagining the attraction from him? Well, I crossed the line - I kissed him. We've explored each other's bodies in all imaginable ways but have not had penetrative sex. Now? We hate ourselves for that! It is so weird. What I am going through... I wouldn't wish it on anybody. That's why I am telling you to not sucumb to temptation. Knowing how "love" feels won't make you happier.