DatingQuestions Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 A guy I met online asked me to be exclusive (meaning dating just him) on our third date. He thinks it's not fair and can be distracting to date two at once. I agreed with him, but then later regret this decision. I just don't think I know him enough to want to be in an exclusive relationship yet. We have not had sex, but have been intimate in other ways. I find him very physically attractive, but at the same time not so attractive in many other aspects. For example, he is always tired and sleepy after a day's work. While I am always energetic and would like someone who is more upbeat and live a more active life..... He finds playing video games relaxing and in fact it is one of the most important part of his life; and I strongly feel that it is a waste of time and can not relate to him. Does anyone have any suggestions for me in this case? Should I tell him my concerns and either stop seeing him or at least stop being exclusive? How should I approach things with him?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 A guy I met online asked me to be exclusive (meaning dating just him) on our third date. He thinks it's not fair and can be distracting to date two at once. Well, if by the third date and you are having doubts about this guy, you should date other people! ... but at the same time not so attractive in many other aspects. For example, he is always tired and sleepy after a day's work. While I am always energetic and would like someone who is more upbeat and live a more active life..... He finds playing video games relaxing and in fact it is one of the most important part of his life; and I strongly feel that it is a waste of time and can not relate to him. You've got a good head on your shoulders. You are absolutely right on being concerned about your differing interests and energy level. Do not settle. Good luck!
magda Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Whoa, I think I know that guy. I met him on the internet somehow a few years ago, he was all into video games, too... and he asked me to be his GIRLFRIEND on about date 3. (Who says that beyond high school? "Will you be my girlfriend?") I was so shocked I said "Okay". I have no idea why I did. I have always wondered how I got myself into that. I instantly regretted it. So, before date 4 I found myself in a position where I had to be breaking up already. So weak. But really, I've never been able to date more than one guy at a time when it gets past date 3 it's either going somewhere or it isn't, so he has a point. Now you will have to make your choice.
summergirl Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 LOL I think I know that guy too, is he in asia now? He asked me to be exclusive on the 2nd date, he's a video games freak, and he always tired and in a bad mood after work. My instinct was telling me something was wrong with therelationship, everything was a downfall after 2 weeks. I couldnt stand his grumpy/ moody personality. I broke him up.
amerikajin Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 A guy I met online asked me to be exclusive (meaning dating just him) on our third date. He thinks it's not fair and can be distracting to date two at once. He could be the needy clingy type. A lot of people who use online dating services are insecure and have resorted to this because they don't feel too confident approaching people in real life. That said, maybe what he's getting at is that he doesn't like the idea of dating someone who dates multiple people at a time. I'm becoming more and more that way myself, and if I sense that my date is doing that, I'll probably not take her too seriously and start looking elsewhere. A lot of dating gurus will say play the field, but the fact is, when you play the field, you're not giving your date his full attention, so yeah, in that sense I can see what he's talking about. I agreed with him, but then later regret this decision. I just don't think I know him enough to want to be in an exclusive relationship yet. Bear in mind that exclusivity doesn't necessarily mean you're his girlfriend, it just means that as long as you have an interest in him, you will give him the attention he feels he deserves. If you're interested in him, you should give him enough respect to not compare him to other guys you're dating. If you're not all that interested in him, well then why continue dating him? Do both yourself and him a favor and allow the both of you to find others who will suit your respective needs.
Author DatingQuestions Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 I have seen/heard so many women complain about their men playing video games all the time. This habbit of his bothers me because I believe it is the major reason why he is so tired all the time (lack of energy). I would much prefer that he does something like taking a walk in the park... something healthy for his body and mind. He argues that those video games he plays are good for his mind. By all means, I do not want to just walk in to someone's life and try to change him to someone he is not, but I realize in order to have a satisfying relationship with him, things like this have to change. He's been playing since he was a kid, and he is in his mid 30s now. I just don't see how he will ever change, unless he wants to himself. I'm at the point where I know that no one is perfect, but I'd like someone to tell me if issues like this one is just doomed.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Um. exclusivity after 3rd date = alarm bells.
BeFree Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I am so glad my bf never figured out how to connect the play station to the TV! I would be really weary of any guy who wanted to be exculsive after three dates.
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Playing videogames is a waste of time, so is going shopping for hours without buying anything. If he's talking about videogames all the time, it would be bad. But hey: You have educated guys, have lots of interests, know everything about current affairs, write songs, work with children, and so on. But many guys kije playing videogames as well. Its fun to do sometimes. What I'm saying is, if he only has one interest (games) it would be a point of concern, but if he is interested in other things as well, I wouldn't mind if I were you.
Author DatingQuestions Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 The problem is that when he spend 3-4 hours on the computer playing videogames, he is sabotaging his health. Like I said, he is always tired and sleepy. I see a pattern with people that play videogames, that's why I'm saying this. Wouldn't it be better if he did something recreational? amerikajin, I agree with you that being exclusive doesn't automatically put us in the boyfriend/girlfriend zone. However, it still feels too fast for me to decide only to see him. I need to get to know him better before I could decide for sure. Like magda, I have not a slightest idea why I agreed to him in the first place! Us women with our changing minds..
MadDog Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 My instinct was telling me something was wrong with therelationship, everything was a downfall after 2 weeks. I couldnt stand his grumpy/ moody personality. I broke him up. A moody guy is hardly a guy at all by my book. What's next? A guy that gets PMS?
PlentyLV007 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Hey my guy archs his back when we make out so....I don't know...maybe!!!! :lmao:
PlentyLV007 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Does anyone have any suggestions for me in this case? Should I tell him my concerns and either stop seeing him or at least stop being exclusive? How should I approach things with him? Okay tell him how you feel. Always be honest about your thoughts and feelings, you have to be fair to yourself and to him too. You come first and if your not ready for exclusivity so soon then don't do it. What does your gut tell you!? I've been seeing someone for about a month now and he wants me to be exclusive!!!??? THE PRESSURE!!! I'm not ready.....and it's hard to tell someone you care about that you aren't ready because they can either be patient or tell you "BYE".
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Someone asking to be exclusive that early makes me wonder if insecurity isn't driving their actions. Probably to a less then healthy level, in my opinion. Explain you replied to hastily, and that after thinking on it for a while you don't believe it'd be either of your best interests. That you'd like to get to know him better (if you do), but want to take things a little slower then that. I've only ever brought up exclusivity when sex was involved, and health reasons were the majority of my reasoning. I get antsy and paranoid if a guy tries to tie me down to early in a relationship. Start wondering if he's insecure, controlling, etc. And 3 dates.. wow. I'd be running for the hills. Shyt, I wouldn't have even had time to figure out the names of his siblings and best friends yet, let alone promise my time and energy solely to him until we break up.....? I don't think so. Too soon.
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 In response to the video game concern... You seem to be looking at it as though you could make him healthier by getting him to spend less time on video games... maybe I read your posts wrong, but that was the impression I got. Whatever you do, either take it as is, or leave the situation. You won't win this one. I don't understand it, but if the guy is a fanatic, there's nothing you can do about it. Just accept he's that way, and decide whether or not that is something you can live with. Its all about moderation. If he plays in moderation then video games are a wonderful recreational activity. My current loves video games, but doesn't allow it to interfere with his personal life. My ex loved video games, and used it to escape from his problems. Not healthy.
jerbear Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I play video games and one of my ex's say it is passive agressive. I said either shoot and kill things on the screen or hold it in. My way of reducing stress... the other activities I bought up where excercise related, biking, sex, walking, going out, etc... she didn't like those options either. So didn't like the compromise, didn't offer a solution, so I played video games. go figure... 3 dates and exclusive, I did that and now we're ex's... 3rd date or under 1 month is like you do not even know his/her last name or eye color almost. At least know those and maybe know (s)he has siblings. I had one co-worker who got married after 3 days. so who knows; all in all 3 days / dates are slim.
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I play video games and one of my ex's say it is passive agressive. I said either shoot and kill things on the screen or hold it in. My way of reducing stress... the other activities I bought up where excercise related, biking, sex, walking, going out, etc... she didn't like those options either. So didn't like the compromise, didn't offer a solution, so I played video games. go figure.... wow.. great woman. *sarcasm* Hell, if my ex had made me an offer like that I would've jumped his bone right then! I couldn't even get his eyes off the screen when I came out in skimpy lingeria and started rubbing myself on him.
jerbear Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 wow.. great woman. *sarcasm* Hell, if my ex had made me an offer like that I would've jumped his bone right then! I couldn't even get his eyes off the screen when I came out in skimpy lingeria and started rubbing myself on him. Suggestion... give him a bj if he is playing a realtime action game! If he is playing say Halo and has a headset on, make him moan or groan or you do it! It is really egging him on... If I was your SO, I would have taken ya! Ripped some of your stuff off and taken you... then go out and buy you some more... and yes I know VS stuff pretty well...
Vertex Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Oh man, Walk, that is hot Why the hell, though, would a guy choose a video game over a willing woman rubbing herself all over him?! That's insanity! It goes against the very grain of existence! It does not agree with the laws of the universe... it's like trying to envision 12-dimensional space. Well I can speak from experience -- I was playing a video game once and my girlfriend just started giving me a bj... needless to say I lost the game very quickly but I so didn't mind... at the moment there were much better things to do.
amerikajin Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 The problem is that when he spend 3-4 hours on the computer playing videogames, he is sabotaging his health. Like I said, he is always tired and sleepy. I see a pattern with people that play videogames, that's why I'm saying this. Wouldn't it be better if he did something recreational? In my mind, yes, it would. Obviously, he's comfortable with his lifestyle to the point of defending it whenever you discuss it. He might change if he thinks you're going to leave, but is that what you want - a guy who modifies his behavior just because he thinks it'll keep whoever he's dating from leaving him for the time being? Seems to me this is the stereotypical computer dude who, while smart and probably kind and decent, tends to have poor social skills. But then again, I don't know the guy... amerikajin, I agree with you that being exclusive doesn't automatically put us in the boyfriend/girlfriend zone. However, it still feels too fast for me to decide only to see him. I need to get to know him better before I could decide for sure. I'll explain why this is a false approach to dating, despite the fact that it seems perfectly acceptable (I speak as someone who's done it myself). In the beginning, when you are absolutely single, and you happen to line up a couple of dates with guys who might interest you, yes, I can understand why you might initially date more than one guy. But if you've been out on three dates with someone, and you have more or less expressed an interest in someone, then you should probably stop dating others you are less interested in and give the guy you are interested in a chance to show you his personality. Dating multiple guys has one benefit: it insures that you'll have a date with someone this weekend. It boosts the ego and allays your insecurities; it does not, however, necessarily lead to a solid foundation for a strong relationship. If I knew that someone I was dating had a date or two with some guy after our first date, that would be acceptable. After all, she doesn't know if our personalities will click, or if I'm just some kind of bum or weirdo - I get that. But if I found out that we were starting to get a little more physical (even absent of intercourse) and open up to each other, and yet she were still out there taking more applications...I would be very disappointed and wonder exactly what our kisses and opening of hearts and minds meant to her. I would think she's not taking me seriously; that she's some insecure girl who has to have someone in the background just in case I don't work out. I'd probably begin either pushing hard out of my own insecurity, or more likely these days, I'd just back off and start dating other women and say 'whatever happens, happens'. I can back off now because I'm at a point in my life where I know that I can be fine with whatever happens - and in my present situation I can also score other dates fairly easily. But you're guy friend here is probably not so confident - hence his movement in the other direction toward insecurity.
Author DatingQuestions Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 amerikajin, that is a very nice response to my concerns, thank you. I am not ready to be exclusive because I am not sure of my feelings for HIM, not because I am interested in dating other guys, actually. However, I realize that sometimes, it takes up to years for one to be completely sure about someone. I've decided to give us a little time, since it's been about a month now, and we've seen each other about 7 times, being exclusive to him is probably the right thing to do at this point. I kinda feel like being sucked into this situation this time. Not really the best feeling... The guy is a mixture of being confident and insecure. I believe he did that because he really thinks I am "the one" for him and doesn't want to loose me. In fact, I wrote him after our 2nd date that I didn't think we were compatible in a long-term relationship due to our differences. He wrote me back insisting that I was assuming things and that he felt we had a strong connection and have great potential. He asked me to reconsider and would like an other chance. Then the next chance he got, he kissed me and asked for us to be exclusive! The problem I had there was he is a greatest kisser I've ever had, and it touched me. It felt like my first kiss and it felt right. The way he did it was hard for me to resist, so I just gave in. I usually DO NOT kiss someone so soon. Anyhow, that's my story. thanks for listening...
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Dating multiple guys has one benefit: it insures that you'll have a date with someone this weekend. It boosts the ego and allays your insecurities; it does not, however, necessarily lead to a solid foundation for a strong relationship. You're supposed to tell the guy you've met three times that you had a date last friday with another guy? I can understand your philosophy on this, but at the same time I'm not going to give the guy the impression that he's the only one on my dance card. I wouldn't throw it in his face, or make it blatant, but I'm not going to start turning guys down just because I learned some guys last name. Talk about fast moving... I like a man with a little more confidence in himself then that. Someone who feels he's worthy and doesn't have to con me into staying with him. This is assuming the girl isn't just finding dates left and right just to fill time and feel validated.
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Why the hell, though, would a guy choose a video game over a willing woman rubbing herself all over him?! That's insanity! It goes against the very grain of existence! It does not agree with the laws of the universe... it's like trying to envision 12-dimensional space. Yea, that's how I felt about it too. Defied logic. Male = wants sex My personal study has shown that video games decrease your attractiveness, causes impotence, and lessens sex drive in your partner. j/k.
littlepiggy1 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Hell, if my ex had made me an offer like that I would've jumped his bone right then! I couldn't even get his eyes off the screen when I came out in skimpy lingeria and started rubbing myself on him. Ah, see that's where you went wrong. What you should have done is dressed up as one of those video game chicks. Then you'd have had a shot at getting his eyes off the screen.
amerikajin Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Walk, No, I'm not at all saying you should say anything to your date about who else you've been dating. If you've been dating a few others on the side in the initial stages of the relationship, then you should at least admit to it if the subject is broached, but you needn't feel the need to volunteer it. I don't think it's underhanded or sneaky, either; what you do before you become exclusive is your business, in my opinion. The guy is a mixture of being confident and insecure. I believe he did that because he really thinks I am "the one" for him and doesn't want to loose me. In fact, I wrote him after our 2nd date that I didn't think we were compatible in a long-term relationship due to our differences. He wrote me back insisting that I was assuming things and that he felt we had a strong connection and have great potential. He asked me to reconsider and would like an other chance. DatingQuestions, In my opinion, there's absolutely no way for him to know that you're 'the one' within the first three dates. Attraction's instantaneous, but determining whether someone is marriage material can take months and even years. I'd usually say that somewhere between 6-12 months of spending a significant amount of time together, you ought to know if you love the person enough to spend forever with them. But 3 dates? Mmmmmm...I smell insecurity brewing here. But likewise, you may not be giving the guy a chance to show you what he brings to the table. What seems to be true is that you were initially attracted to him, but certain patterns of behavior have for the time being turned you right off, and you're not certain if you're going to be turned on again anytime soon. I would just be honest about that, and to your credit, you have been - keep being honest about where you stand. If you do that, then he can't complain if things just don't work out.
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