aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I think you've made the hard but right decision so no one can/should judge you harshly. I still think that this bitter friend needs to go. I know it sounds harsh but no good will come of continuing friends with him while reconciling with your boyfriend. Whether he loved you or not your friend took advantage of you and while yes I know he was there for you emotionally as a surrogate boyfriend the fact is you can only have one boyfriend and for this to work the losing party has to go. I hope it works out.
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I think you've made the hard but right decision so no one can/should judge you harshly. I still think that this bitter friend needs to go. I know it sounds harsh but no good will come of continuing friends with him while reconciling with your boyfriend. Whether he loved you or not your friend took advantage of you and while yes I know he was there for you emotionally as a surrogate boyfriend the fact is you can only have one boyfriend and for this to work the losing party has to go. I hope it works out. I agree 100% that friend has to go . Otherwise bf will feel insecure and upset. He is working on trusting you again.
Author Angelicis Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 Well, after the whole incident, things have been up and down with everyone. My boyfriend has decided to try to make things work in our relationship. He's making more of an effort to spend time with me, but it really does seem like he just doesn't have the time to spare. Also, whenever we have a small argument about anything, he brings up the mistake I made (which I had expected). It's always "well at least I didn't sleep with someone else" when I bring up how he shouldn't do some things. I don't know if this is ever going to go away, even though we're both trying our best to get past this. Also, when I brought up the emotional availability problem we've been having...he kinda blew up and said that the reason he hasn't been emotionally open for the past half year to a year is because we don't have enough sex. From my point of view, he started paying less attention to me and being more emotionally distant...and that started to take a toll on our sex life. I asked him how I could want to have sex with him every day if he doesn't even talk to me or if he was being rude or a jerk. He replied that he would be nice to me if he felt like he got something out of it. He said he was tired of making an effort to be nice and a good boyfriend, to just get nothing out of it at the end of the day. So basically, my point of view is that I would want to have sex with someone who treated me well all the time, not just when he wants sex. His point of view is that if I had more sex with him then he'd be nice to me. I'm quite confused about this whole thing. In the end, I was tired of arguing so I asked him how many times a week did he think was enough sex for him to be nice to me, and he after thinking about it a little, he told me 3 or more. I mean, in the beginning of our relationship, we had a lot more sex, but after a year and a half, it's kinda died down. I'm not sure but maybe this isn't normal and him being angry and emotionally unavailable is to be expected. With my friend, he was angry with my decision and didn't want to speak to me for days. Eventually, he kinda spilled his heart to me about how he never pursues girls, and the only other girl he's ever pursued was his one serious relationship last year, who is the one girl he ever fell in love with. He told me that he's falling in love with me and that he would treat me so much better than my boyfriend does. I am so confused about this situation. I don't want to give up on my relationship with my boyfriend, but I'm not sure if it can be saved. I'm optimistic and thinking that we can still make it as a couple, but he says things that I sometimes can't understand.
amerikajin Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 I think you're royally screwed here. If it were me, I might consider a break from both your friend and boyfriend. I don't think your relationship with your boyfriend is going to recover. I think that there comes a point when there gets to be too much baggage, and he's obviously trying to throw that baggage back in your face. If there's to be a true reconciliation, he has to avoid the past and move forward, but I think he thinks he can use that as leverage against you to make you feel guilty. Not a good way to carry on in a relationship. As for your friend, I don't think there's anything there either. It's too bad that he's gotten wrapped up in his emotions, but he'll just have to deal with it. I would not enter into a romance with your friend under such confusing circumstances. Really, I think you need to take a break from dating and figure out what you want, and then find a new relationship so that you can start with a clean slate.
electric_sheep Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Angelicis, Not to be pessimistic, but there is the chance he will never truly get over your "mistake" and move beyond it. Even if he stops bringing it up, it is possible he will have experienced a shift in his mind regarding the way he feels about you and the relationship. I know this from personal experience. He may have mixed feelings about things now, but is willing to maintain the status quo because he no doubt does love you still, but also because he is crunched for time and doesn't see any other possibilities opening up for him. People often stay in relationships simply because it is easier than breaking up, and they figure it is better than being alone. Now, having said all that ... it IS possible to move beyond something like this. By moving beyond I mean truly "forgiving" someone and having your feelings for them truly restored to what they once were. I put forgiving in quotes because it's arguable whether you really need forgiving or not, though I guess the only thing that is important for him and his feelings is what he thinks. Truly moving beyond (what he percieves as a betrayal) will take time and effort for him. Not everyone can (or knows how) to truly forgive people. Forgiveness is an art. Anyhow ... that's just one side of things. Then there is the issue of whether YOU even want to stay in the relationship. Everyone on these forums is always quick to recommend breaking up ... I'd ignore them, unless the relationship is truly that bad, or it is abusive. Do what you think is right. There is nothing wrong with putting off such a decision, and seeing how things turn out. Be wary of him getting "stuck" over the issue of you having sex with your friend though. It's very common. It's not fair to you or to him if he does get "stuck" over it.
Walk Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 I think you can make your relationship strong, and better. He's told you what he wants out of the relationship, you've shared your views. Where the two of you are stuck at is a difference in needs. You feel yours weren't met, he feels his weren't. Who's weren't met first? Its the chicken and the egg question, so throw that out the window. Forget the blame game. You neglected me first.. no you did. no you... It's counter productive, so toss it. You know his needs. Sex. At least 3 times a week. Do you believe he will be more affectionate and have more time for you if his need is met? Did he have time and more affection when you were meeting his sexual needs? You can rationalize it as "wrong", but for men it's ingrained. They need sex. Accept it. Most cases it's the way for the man to feel as though you love him. Its his love language. How he feels closest to you, feels most manly and capable, and also most able to open up to someone. You'll have to trust that if you meet his needs then he'll meet yours. And put your full effort into it. He's said it will work. If this is the man you can see yourself marrying, then I would think you should trust him and believe in him. If you're only going to do this half-assed, then it won't work. He'll see that you dont' want this, that you feel forced. You have to do it because you want it for him. For the both of you. Because his needs should be just as important as yours are, even if you don't compeletly understand them. We're all different in what we need in life... but if he's come to you and said "I need this", then as his partner, it is your responsibility to meet them. Either that, or set him free so that someone else can. This is what we signed up for, it's the idea that drives relationships.... the theory that someone will try their hardest to ensure those needs (not just what you want, but absolutely need) are met. To me, it seems as if your bf didn't feel comfortable discussing this before, or didnt' understand, or see it. But now that you know, it's up to you to decide if you are going to continue to keep that protective barrier up in order not to get hurt, or if you'll place your trust in him and what he has said will work. It doesn't take leaps of porn star acting in order to meet his needs, but an honest desire to meet them. To take into consideration his feelings and needs and try your hardest to make him happy because you love and care for him. Just letting him know that you do want to meet them, and even if timing doesn't work out, that as soon as it does then he'll be your number one priority. Because that's what we all want in a relationship, isn't it? To know that our partner wants to do those things that will make us feel special and loved. That if we say we "need" something in a relationship, our partner will jump to make it their absolute priority to meet those needs. Not just once in a while, or when they feel like it, but every day. To know someone cares enough about us to put our need as important as their need, and we will do the same for them. Maybe that didn't make sense. It works though. Its hard to trust someone enough, especially after so many fights about not getting enough affection, or time.... and then to decide to give your all toward meeting their needs, seems a bit like throwing your needs out the window and become servitile. If he's really the one for you, "the one", then you will see your needs become as important to him as his are to you. Or maybe that's the whole point... Your needs are as important to him, as his needs are to you. Neither of you value the others very much, and it's a concious decision, and a lot of effort, to make the others needs a priority. I only advise this if after careful deliberation you have decided to give this relationship your 100% effort. No more talking to "the friend". 100%. Otherwise, won't work. And you have to consider long term, not only the here and now.
Cecelius Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 This is more or less what I thought would happen -- Regardless of the appropriateness of what happened with the other guy, this is what happens in your b/f's head: "For me, b/f of some time with emotion invested, substantial efforts to be a good b/f (as I see it), having to be exclusive, etc .... to get sex, I need to do all of the above AND make sure I'm being nice, I have to worry about how busy I have been, things I have said to her when I think I am being just me, etc.. All the other guy had to do to get sex was show up with a 6 pack." Not trying to be harsh, but I don't see how your b/f's pride can recover from this. Justified or unjustified, it's how he feels (kind of like how you felt, justified or unjustified, before all of this). Frankly, I do think it would help his pride if you did offer it up a little more (assuming you were willing and interested).
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