We were on a "break", now he's angry

April 14, 2006

I guess thanks for all the different points of views. I wasn't too surprised with some of the reactions I got. I personally don't view myself as high-maintenance, although I suppose that's all determined by opinion. The reason we went on a break was because even though I KNEW he had so much work to do and didn't have time for me, I didn't know if I should stay and be unhappy in that situation. I was glad that he was getting his schoolwork back on track, but if someone can't give you what you need in a relationship (emotional availability, compassion, a conversation?) then why should I have been obligated to stay after fighting over the same thing for 6 months?

I know that what I ended up doing was wrong, I don't deny it. I suppose I'm just a little surprised that people here don't understand the pain you go through when you've been emotionally neglected for 6 months to a year by someone who you love. But then again, it's psychological how people always blame the person for anything bad that happens when it's not themself. When they themself actually go through the same thing, they'll try to chalk it up to external factors.

April 14, 2006

I guess thanks for all the different points of views. I wasn't too surprised with some of the reactions I got. I personally don't view myself as high-maintenance, although I suppose that's all determined by opinion. The reason we went on a break was because even though I KNEW he had so much work to do and didn't have time for me, I didn't know if I should stay and be unhappy in that situation. I was glad that he was getting his schoolwork back on track, but if someone can't give you what you need in a relationship (emotional availability, compassion, a conversation?) then why should I have been obligated to stay after fighting over the same thing for 6 months?

I know that what I ended up doing was wrong, I don't deny it. I suppose I'm just a little surprised that people here don't understand the pain you go through when you've been emotionally neglected for 6 months to a year by someone who you love. But then again, it's psychological how people always blame the person for anything bad that happens when it's not themself. When they themself actually go through the same thing, they'll try to chalk it up to external factors.

It's the fundamental attribution error.

Unfortunately a lot of people on here are going through bad breakups, dealing with betrayal, and we all (some more than others) have a tendency to read our own experience into some people's situations.

I'm sorry, I don't know how you feel, but I have been the person who was emotionally unavailable before, who just withdrew without explanation....so I've seen the fallout that can happen from any relationship where one partner is consistently not getting their needs met.

In any event, from my experience (haha) it's almost always some issue the person who is withholding their intimacy is dealing with inside themselves. I'm sorry this happened to you and it makes me want to call the people I withdrew from and explain s***.

April 14, 2006

The fact remains that his very busy life could not include his girlfriend . Period.

There are those with less than busy lives and they don't pay much attention to their girlfriends either.

So * I'm so very busy * is NOT a good excuse, for if it were , they do not belong * in * a relationship in the first place. Period

We all know the full heavy load of college and career. But in there if they choose to have a girlfriend and naturally she wants to spend * some * quality time with that boyfriend , she should NOT be labled a whining cry baby who is deemed high maintenance.

Make time for her or lose. Period.

April 14, 2006

Most women create drama because drama is an emotional thing and women are powered by emotions AS A RULE. So the implication is valid.

Soooo.... we should be as cold and unemotional as you are ?

April 14, 2006

Soooo.... we should be as cold and unemotional as you are ?

In reality... a balance of logic and emotions is healthier IMHO.

April 14, 2006

Question to the women - if you were studying hard at college, and your bf back home said he wanted a break, then within a few days banged a female friend whilst drunk, would you be fine with it? Or would you be on here posting about how insensitive he was and asking how could he do such a thing?

I would be devastated (if I still cared about the relationship), but to me the circumstances would make a *huge* difference.

I think many posters were too harsh with the OP.

I would not be surprised if her bf could not forget what happened or "forgive" her.

But I don't think she acted "like a slut".

People who have felt neglected in a relationship for a long time and don't know if/how things will work out can do this kind of things.

She was honest and told it to her bf. She is feeling really bad about it.

Angelicis,

are you sure that the way you are feeling now towards your bf is not a consequence of feeling guilty about what happened and sorry for hurting him?

Would you come rationally to the same conclusion(that it's your bf you want to be with) if nothing had happened, if you weren't going through all those feelings?

I wish you the best.

April 14, 2006

In reality... a balance of logic and emotions is healthier IMHO.

Awhhh * balance * ...

Does your girlfriend make time to see you ?

April 14, 2006

Awhhh * balance * ...

Does your girlfriend make time to see you ?

*Mary* don't poke the angry beaver!

April 14, 2006

Honestly, I have to say that the guilt may be playing some part in my decision. Yes, I love him and I want things to work out with him. However, the original reason we went on a break still hasn't been solved. I've thought about this for awhile, and I think I might just be relieved and grateful for my boyfriend giving us another chance. He's told me he still loves me, but he doesn't like me (haha). He's going to try to forgive me, but it'll take a few days, and that we should take things slowly. I can understand this completely.

However, I don't know if the problems we were having will get better. He says he'll make an effort to not neglect me anymore, but he's said that before. There are many things I love about him, but there are things that I don't like at all. He's the guy I could see myself with in the future, when he has more time and is emotionally available instead of closing up his emotions to me.

April 14, 2006

Awhhh * balance * ...

Does your girlfriend make time to see you ?

You bet she does... and I make time to see her. We are in a LDR that is over two years strong.

She is on her way down here from MI to spend the holiday weekend with me and my son.

April 14, 2006

Honestly, I have to say that the guilt may be playing some part in my decision. Yes, I love him and I want things to work out with him. However, the original reason we went on a break still hasn't been solved. I've thought about this for awhile, and I think I might just be relieved and grateful for my boyfriend giving us another chance. He's told me he still loves me, but he doesn't like me (haha). He's going to try to forgive me, but it'll take a few days, and that we should take things slowly. I can understand this completely.

However, I don't know if the problems we were having will get better. He says he'll make an effort to not neglect me anymore, but he's said that before. There are many things I love about him, but there are things that I don't like at all. He's the guy I could see myself with in the future, when he has more time and is emotionally available instead of closing up his emotions to me.

Ooof. Ouch. I just read the last line and I was like -- bingo. Codependency. Live off scraps of affection, slow emotional starvation.

Never never never NEVER say "I love him for the man I know he could be if...."

You either love them for who they are now, or you need to leave. Because he will never be what you want him to be.

April 14, 2006

Haha, I know what you mean. The only reason I feel this way, is because we used to be very happy when he wasn't so overwhelmed with school. I know that him being so busy is the main, if not only reason we're having problems now.

April 14, 2006

Honestly, I have to say that the guilt may be playing some part in my decision. Yes, I love him and I want things to work out with him. However, the original reason we went on a break still hasn't been solved. I've thought about this for awhile, and I think I might just be relieved and grateful for my boyfriend giving us another chance. He's told me he still loves me, but he doesn't like me (haha). He's going to try to forgive me, but it'll take a few days, and that we should take things slowly. I can understand this completely.

However, I don't know if the problems we were having will get better. He says he'll make an effort to not neglect me anymore, but he's said that before. There are many things I love about him, but there are things that I don't like at all. He's the guy I could see myself with in the future, when he has more time and is emotionally available instead of closing up his emotions to me.

Please do not concentrate in trying to earn back his trust so hard that you forget about what you need in a relationship.

April 14, 2006

Just end it, this thing will happen all over again. He actually says this:

I will be a nice puppy if you promise not to sleep around. By doing that he actually tells you that it is alright what you have done.

What a thing to do (your actions), being unhappy with a relationship and trying to change this guy by sleeping with someone else. Its like giving someone a kick in the nuts everytime he doesn't do what you want him to do. If pavlov got it right, you will probably end up doing the same when he neglects you again.

Just end this relationship, it is doomed.

April 15, 2006

Wow, you haven't been reading a thing I've said have you? I specifically said that I did not do this intentionally. I didn't think "oh I'm going to sleep with someone to hurt him". That's an absolutely ridiculous assumption you're making. I said I had no intention to sleep with him when we went on this break, it just happened.

April 15, 2006

Question to the women - if you were studying hard at college, and your bf back home said he wanted a break, then within a few days banged a female friend whilst drunk, would you be fine with it? Or would you be on here posting about how insensitive he was and asking how could he do such a thing?

``````````

I think I would have clarified what a * break * meant .

If that meant we would see other people , then what he did would no longer be my concern.

A * break * to me means breaking up. ( because ) How can you put on hold someone for a certain set time ?

I would not ask someone for a *break* so I have a hard time relating to this concept.

I would expect ( since I don't do * breaks * ) that he go on with his life in whatever way he has chosen.

You are either in a relationship or you are not in one.

April 15, 2006

Wow, you haven't been reading a thing I've said have you? I specifically said that I did not do this intentionally. I didn't think "oh I'm going to sleep with someone to hurt him". That's an absolutely ridiculous assumption you're making. I said I had no intention to sleep with him when we went on this break, it just happened.

I read everything but I think it might have been subconciously.......

April 15, 2006

Some of these comments have Salem witch hunt written all over them. I'm surprised someone hasn't proposed burning her at the stakes or branding the scarlet letter A on her forehead. This kind of uber-piety is what annoys me about some of the posts I read here on LS. Sorry some of you guys are letting your own bitterness get the better of you, but get over it and don't bring this woman into it. She's not a slut, she didn't cheat on the guy. They took a 'break' from the relationship, and they were both aware of it. He agreed to said 'break'.

Personally, I think the relationship's f***ed, and it's been that way for a long time. It's a waste of time trying to go back into a relationship that didn't have any spark to it. You're wasting your time wanting something that you're never going to get, and the only reason you two are staying together is because you're both feeling insecure about having to go out and look for someone else. Take this is a big red flashing light that the relationship is never going to get much better than this, and just move on.

April 15, 2006

Hi guys

I'm new to this whole scene and as well as seeking advice (obviously) I do want to contribute. So far everything I've read is to be expected mixed opinions from different ends of the extreme. I thought what Walk had to say seemed like the most sensible input. As a Christian I believe in waiting for marriage before I have sex and all that but I'm not arrogant another to "infllict" my views on others (LOL) and expect them to view things the same as me.

We are all different and should respect the individual. What's it they say about walking a mile in someone elses shoes? If we were honest we'd see that we all made mistakes and it's a part of continually growing and exploring who we are and our sexuality is a very important thing. Angelicis was in a situation where her boyfriend wasn't treating her like she was valued. I think the relationship was heading for a wake up call.

I don't agree with the OP having to feel guilty - too many people live in the past. We should look at the positives - she made a mistake, realised it and WAS honest to her boyfriend both before and after. I mean really it takes guts to tell a guy you slept with someone else and risk losing him. There will be trust issues in the future for sure but if they love each other they will work it out. A relationship is two people and he needs to show her attention as well.

One thing that I am really concerned about however is this "best friend". If I'm honest I've been in the shoes of the best friend to a lot of my female friends but every time they've been in a relationship I've either backed off appropriately or made an effort to get to know the guy. Any guy or girl who hangs around a relationship trying to "win their affection" isn't a good friend.

My question is how has this "best friend" has acted since the incident? I realise they were on a "break" but this guy IMHO was way out of line. Sure I know plenty of guys (and maybe girls) would happily have sex with the friend they hold a special torch for if they can take advantage. I'm partially concerned that this friend wasn't just after sex and even if he does love the OP I think it would be a good idea for him to either back well away or if Angelicis has to maybe she should drop the friend. A friend like that isn't someone I'd like to be and when I go out with someone I wouldn't feel comfortable with that kind of guy hanging around my girlfriend.

April 16, 2006

Well, my boyfriend and I are giving it another shot, hoping we can get past this and work out our old issues. We're going to start slowly and see if we can make it work. We both know there were a lot of problems beforehand, and he knows that I was feeling neglected for a long time. We'll see how it goes.

My friend now...he's been bitter these past few days ever since I told him my boyfriend and I are giving it another chance. He's gone on rants about how it was such an easy decision for me and how I don't regret not choosing him. He says he doesn't want to see me for a long time, and has tried to ignore me and avoid me. I suppose I'm not surprised at his response. I feel sad losing a close friend, but I think he's taking this a little too extremely. I guess he was expecting me to choose him over my boyfriend. He says that it was an easy decision for me...but I think if I was to really take the easy way out, I would've chosen the friend and not chosen my boyfriend who was angry with me and who I had already had problems with.

Anyway, so I've got a lot to deal with now. Both parties are angry with me, I feel crappy, and I'm trying hard to prove to my boyfriend he can trust me, and work out all our problems at the same time.

April 16, 2006

Yeah, that's the danger of getting sexually involved with friends. Chances are, if things don't work out, the friendship's over.

April 16, 2006

Anelicis,

I think you're handling this quiet well now.

The fact you lost the friend isn't a bad thing. He used you at a weak moment (you weer drunk, and confused) so he wasn't a good friend. (On the other hand, you knew he was after you, so why would you get drunk with him instead of a female friend?)(a good question we haven't asked yet, subconcious playing a part maybe?). Besides he would only get in the way of the relationship.

Let us know how things work out. Maybe you two can overcome these issues,

This story reminded me of a friend who had the same sort of agreement with his girlfriend. They agreed to take a break and see other people while he was still madly in love. She slept with two other guys in a short period of time. He stayed faithfull even though the agreement was made. Unless there is a formal contract you can go anywehere with these kinds of agreements.

April 16, 2006

Well, my boyfriend and I are giving it another shot, hoping we can get past this and work out our old issues. We're going to start slowly and see if we can make it work. We both know there were a lot of problems beforehand, and he knows that I was feeling neglected for a long time. We'll see how it goes.

My friend now...he's been bitter these past few days ever since I told him my boyfriend and I are giving it another chance. He's gone on rants about how it was such an easy decision for me and how I don't regret not choosing him. He says he doesn't want to see me for a long time, and has tried to ignore me and avoid me. I suppose I'm not surprised at his response. I feel sad losing a close friend, but I think he's taking this a little too extremely. I guess he was expecting me to choose him over my boyfriend. He says that it was an easy decision for me...but I think if I was to really take the easy way out, I would've chosen the friend and not chosen my boyfriend who was angry with me and who I had already had problems with.

Anyway, so I've got a lot to deal with now. Both parties are angry with me, I feel crappy, and I'm trying hard to prove to my boyfriend he can trust me, and work out all our problems at the same time.

I'm late for the thread but whatever.

First, half the psychology bulls*** people are throwing at you, half of it is all made up s*** they have thought of. How would you realize your subconscious or unconcscious mind was at work. Its unconscious because....you aren't conscious of it! You aren't aware of it! So that's a stupid thing to blame her for.

Second, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Everyone telling you that you are in the blame for ANYTHING is wrong. It doesn't matter what ANYONE'S views on people taking breaks are. Point is, you both agreed to see other people. Thats it, if you agree to see other people, he shouldn't get pissy when you do that.

Speaking of which, it doesn't matter if this guy is a loser, chump, millionaire, or whatever. You can F*CK whatever you want. You are SINGLE. When you are single you should have fun. People think women don't like sex or don't want to have fun. Open your f***ing eyes, just because they like sex doesn't make them sluts or whores, it just means they like sex, so if she decided to f*** TWO HUNDRED MEN while they were on break, he has NO say in the matter. He agreed to the terms.

You have nothing to change. In fact, I would not only suggest dropping that friend of yours (Just because he was such a wuss. Come on, who would try to convince you with logic to leave your boyfriend? People choose relationships on emotions not logic), and probably dropping your boyfriend too. Not only are you not happy in the relationship (The minute you aren't you need to bail), but he sounds like a jealous, overprotective pansy. If you agreed on the break theres nothing wrong with what you did. NOTHING.

You don't need to change s***, if anything you need to go out there and meet a man that WILL make you feel totally excited and happy at all times.

April 16, 2006

Well, my boyfriend and I are giving it another shot, hoping we can get past this and work out our old issues. We're going to start slowly and see if we can make it work. We both know there were a lot of problems beforehand, and he knows that I was feeling neglected for a long time. We'll see how it goes.

My friend now...he's been bitter these past few days ever since I told him my boyfriend and I are giving it another chance. He's gone on rants about how it was such an easy decision for me and how I don't regret not choosing him. He says he doesn't want to see me for a long time, and has tried to ignore me and avoid me. I suppose I'm not surprised at his response. I feel sad losing a close friend, but I think he's taking this a little too extremely. I guess he was expecting me to choose him over my boyfriend. He says that it was an easy decision for me...but I think if I was to really take the easy way out, I would've chosen the friend and not chosen my boyfriend who was angry with me and who I had already had problems with.

Anyway, so I've got a lot to deal with now. Both parties are angry with me, I feel crappy, and I'm trying hard to prove to my boyfriend he can trust me, and work out all our problems at the same time.

Well I want to just say that I hope whatever choices you and your boyfriend make that they end up happy ones

I understand how you felt and in a weak moment you slept with your friend. It sounds very much like he likes you ALOT. It could be that he was hanging around and found his moment when you both became intimate. He has been there and seen you being ignored and wanted you for himself.

Nothing wrong with someone wanting someone else ( and you were on a break `albeit not a well defined break ) but he is hurting because you have chosen to go back to your boyfriend. If your bf wants to give it his all and you love him, then you should give it a go.

I know the friend is pissed and did not get what he wanted. I wonder if he was waiting all along for this to happen ?

Either way , live your life to its fullest. Hopefully bf can be consistant with the attention and the time spent

April 17, 2006

Frankly, b/f is going to remember this for all time. It doesn't have to have been cheating, it's just a little gross. This will pop up again, expecially when she starts seeing the friend on the side without her b/f (I assume the b/f has the pride and the balls to make it understood that the best friend is gone from this earth).

If your b/f cannot let this go, you should let go of him -- it will only spiral downwards.

Good luch

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