catgirl1927 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I think breaks are stupid. Break up or stay together. I don't believe in all that take a break, get back together business.
SmoochieFace Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I think breaks are stupid. Break up or stay together. I don't believe in all that take a break, get back together business. My first GF wanted to do that. I told her that will be the longest break she's ever had. I dropped her ass... cold turkey.
catgirl1927 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 My first GF wanted to do that. I told her that will be the longest break she's ever had. I dropped her ass... cold turkey. The last guy who tried that with me told me he was "going through some stuff" and didn't want to be in a relationship. Turns out what he was going through was a 22 year old. When she got smashed and wrecked his car, suddenly boring, porky ol' catgirl didn't seem like so bad a deal. Too bad, though. He to this DAY doesn't understand why I wouldn't speak to him any more.
SmoochieFace Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 The last guy who tried that with me told me he was "going through some stuff" and didn't want to be in a relationship. Turns out what he was going through was a 22 year old. When she got smashed and wrecked his car, suddenly boring, porky ol' catgirl didn't seem like so bad a deal. Too bad, though. He to this DAY doesn't understand why I wouldn't speak to him any more. Yeah, the proverbial *going thru stuff* or *I need space* crap. Right. Suuure. It almost ALWAYS means there's someone else.
SuperMonk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Angelicis, it's pretty much over as it when a relationship is nearing the end it's always like that. Move on girl, I hope you learn from this.
Author Angelicis Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I guess things are a little more complicated since I'm in the actual sitaution. I was thinking about it, and I think the reason we established to be able to see other people during the break was because of something he said last semester. We were having problems, and he initiated a "break" then. He said that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or if he wanted to be single and see other people. I think I took it as a pretty emotional blow. I just didn't want to take a break this time around, and have one of us get hurt from the other person being physical with another person. With my friend...I was really confused about the situation after my boyfriend and I went on a break. My friend kept insisting that he would treat me well and that he could provide me with what my boyfriend could not. He continually pursed me to be his girlfriend, and even though I shot him down in the beginning, I think I got weak after my boyfriend and I went on a break. I was confused about what I should do with the situation with my boyfriend, since he couldn't give me the attention I needed. I didn't know if we should stay together or not. And then my friend comes along constantly telling me how good of a boyfriend he'd be to me, and treating me like a princess the whole time and cooking for me and our mutual friends everyday. Even with all that said, I know it was a mistake to sleep with him. The reason I had gotten drunk that night was because my boyfriend and I had just gotten into a huge fight about this "break" we were on and how he didn't want to talk to me. He wasn't open to taking a break or solving the problem, whereas I was tired of waiting around for him to make an effort. We fought, he tried to ignore me, and I was really depressed. I didn't drink with the intention to get piss drunk and sleep with anyone...it just happened. I don't view sex as a casual thing. The only people I've ever slept with before this have been my 4 boyfriends. This was a mistake that I never should have made. My boyfriend knows that I don't view sex lightly. I regret even considering my friend as a potential boyfriend and being emtionally vulnerable to him.
Sal Paradise Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 It sounds like you're placing blame on everything around you. Alcohol, a fight, your boyfriend ignoring you, being confused, this guy pursuing you, being vulnerable. All the classic excuses for things deemed mistakes in the world of sex. All that was missing was the classic "one thing lead to another". The truth is you wanted this to happen or it wouldn't have happened. If I was your ex I'd be a bit concerned about dating a girl who claims she can't handle her booze, a fight, confusion or a guy pursuing her. You will run thru many of those over the course of your life (even in a good relationship). My suggestion would be to move on. It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. You feel neglected and he probably now feels (and rightfully so) that you have the potential to break his heart thru infidelity. You would both be better off without each other. You both sound like you have some growing up to do. I'd also drop this friend. He is always going to be a problem in your relationships. Personally I wouldn't date a girl who had a friend who wanted to be her boyfriend. I would consider it disrespectful for her to keep such a guy around when she has a boyfriend. But if you insist on trying to work things out with the bf. I would first show him you have learned from this mistake and go NC (no contact ) with the "friend" you slept with. There is no way your bf is going to want to get back together with you with that parasite hanging around looking for table scraps. He has to go or the relationship has zero chance of continuing. And perhaps you should lay off the alcohol. There will be fights in the future, there will be times when you feel neglected, all relationships have rocky roads. None of those are an excuse to drink up and sleep around.
magda Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think your relationship with him was doomed before you had sex with your guy friend. The facts are that he this is the second break he has initiated, and that he hasn't been paying attention to you lately. Now, I suspect, this is just the icing on the cake. Even if it doesn't bother him much, he will probably use it as an excuse to completely end the relationship, as opposed to the "let's take a break and see other people" method.
Mary3 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Most women are unfaithful because of a lack of emotional needs being met. As compared to men being unfaithful because of the lack of sexual needs being met. Recent studies show an even more frightening scenario : Men are being unfaithful for the emotional void in their own relationships. This is a point of no return for most of their present partners because its easier to cure lack of sex than it is to fathom he is cheating on you because you don't meet his emotional needs. With that said , Taking the * sex romp * out of the picture, this OP was suffering greatly by being with a man who had no time for her. He had full classes and his job and what little time he had left he chose to spend with friends. I think he was checking out of the the relationship long before because he was not in a position to be in one in the first place. The anger is betrayal in the worse way. To recover this is not likely. I think to find someone who DOES have time is what the OP needs to concentrate on. Calling her a slut is not going to change the fact that men sleep with numerous women and they get called a different name. Lets not focus on her sexual indiscretion as much as her severe lack of the things she needed and were promised by someone else who provided a quick fix that drunken night. Not condoning what she did but you did not walk in her shoes. Imagine being with someone who was not there for you. You asked begged and pleaded for their time. Its just inevitable that they will seek solace in the arms of someone else. Society wants to label it slut behavior but she felt a deep connection albeit a brief one . I would chalk this up to unfulfilled needs that could never be met. He will never trust you again. I don't place blame here on anyone. He was not ready. You wanted something he could not give. You are human. You had sex and its not right when you are trying to resolve an issue. A break to me is saying : I don't think you are worth fighting for and I will need some space and likely date others. Any agreements should have been spelled out. The sleeeping part was not in the equation. Very sorry but I think this is over.
catgirl1927 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 If this isn't the first break, and the other one included giving him the OK to see other people, I think this relationship is just WAY over and has been for a while. It almost sounds like you're his safety net. You deserve better than that. I think you should let this relationship go and move on with your life.
TheSwordfish Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Calling her a slut is not going to change the fact that men sleep with numerous women and they get called a different name. If a man does the same thing I call him a slut as well! Lost a friend once because I didn't like the way he treated a sixteen year old girl (he was screwing aroudn while she was madly in love) and I told him. (maybe the fact that i dates this girls sister, helped a little though).
Cecelius Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 The fact that the "friend" was in the picture in light of his known desire for the OP prior to the break was improper. If my g/f had a guy like that hanging around, I'd kick her to the curb unless she did something about it. Opportunity was there that shouldn't have been there. I agree that this relationship was headed south, now its just an issue of how tacky things were at the end.
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 It sounds like you're placing blame on everything around you. wow, that's an interesting perspective. Basically your saying she's f***ed up? That external factors don't play any kind of role in life? Quite interesting... I don't agree. Yes, she has blame in this... but by no means does she carry all the blame. If her bf had been willing to work on this problem, hadn't left her out in the cold, had attempted to meet even the bare minimum of her needs, she wouldn't have been driven to the environment which made this type of behavior conducive. Her bf contributed to this situation. Along with a person who claimed to be her friend, and friends who should've stopped her after she drank too much. She carries blame too, but if I didn't stop someone from drinking and driving and they kill someone, then I share responsibility for it. Why are you adding insult to injury? Can't you hear the guilt in her post? The truth is you wanted this to happen or it wouldn't have happened. If I was your ex I'd be a bit concerned about dating a girl who claims she can't handle her booze, a fight, confusion or a guy pursuing her. You will run thru many of those over the course of your life (even in a good relationship). This is incredibly hurtful. You sound like someone who has never had hardship in your life. Throwing stones while perching on your pedestal. Could you not temper your words with a small dose of compassion? Perhaps, show how you have overcome great emotional obstacles and what steps you took to do this. Do you have any advice that may help her now? ie. Talk to a therapist about the guilt you are feeling and ways in which you could avoid repeating this behavior if another relationship gets this bad. You're comments are not helpful, only derogatory. Personally, I've been in her shoes. The fact she slept with someone else is actually irrelevant. Although I'm sure it will take her a long time to feel any type of closure on what she did. If her relationship had been solid, at least a modicum of solid, I seriously doubt this would've happened. The relationship was nearly dead. Her actions may have been deemed "inappropriate" by some, but I think the outcome will be for the best for her. Whether she wishes to see that at this time or not. Her relationship would have ended whether she had slept with this fellow or not. It was over. When your partner Refuses to discuss problems, then the relationship is over. She couldn't have fixed it herself. He was unwilling to even listen. No man in his right mind will agree to allow a woman he is deeply in love with to see other men, whether they've discussed if it entails sex or not. If he had been serious about working on the relationship, this issue would've never been brought up. He wanted out. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have agreed to seeing other people. Could it be possible that she understood the relationship was causing her a great deal of harm, but didn't want to conciously acknowledge it? Subconciously sabotaging her chances in order to sever the relationship?
Sal Paradise Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 This is incredibly hurtful. Sometimes the truth hurts. I didn't set out to hurt anyone but sometimes it can't be helped. You sound like someone who has never had hardship in your life. I'm not going to get into a pissing match but the fact that my location says "Formerly of New Orleans" suggests that I've had my share of hardship over the past year. You're comments are not helpful, only derogatory Thats your opinion (not a fact). I disagree, I think my comments could be extremely helpful. Some choose to sugar coat, some choose not to. And in all honesty I don't think they were that harsh. I've seen far, far worse on this forum.
Cecelius Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Personally, I've been in her shoes. The fact she slept with someone else is actually irrelevant. Although I'm sure it will take her a long time to feel any type of closure on what she did. If her relationship had been solid, at least a modicum of solid, I seriously doubt this would've happened. The relationship was nearly dead. Her actions may have been deemed "inappropriate" by some, but I think the outcome will be for the best for her. Whether she wishes to see that at this time or not. Her relationship would have ended whether she had slept with this fellow or not. It was over. When your partner Refuses to discuss problems, then the relationship is over. She couldn't have fixed it herself. He was unwilling to even listen. No man in his right mind will agree to allow a woman he is deeply in love with to see other men, whether they've discussed if it entails sex or not. If he had been serious about working on the relationship, this issue would've never been brought up. He wanted out. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have agreed to seeing other people. I guess I thought the whole fight they were having was because he didn't want the break, she did -- he'd done it in the past, perhaps, but I don't think he had signed onto the idea that they were free to swap fluids with other people. In any event, to me it's not an issue of cheating -- if a girl told me she wanted to see other people, and I was pretty sure it wasn't just a test (which I think this might have been) I'd assume she'd already gotten involved with someone the night before... The real issue is that this relationship meant so much to her... that she went and banged a friend 2 seconds after fighting over a break. From the dude's perspective, it's the fact that she gave it away to another dude who was and may continue to be in the picture -- cheating or not, it would not be possible for me at least to respect her generally, respect the depth of her feelings (and the original post was all about how to get back together with the ex) or take her seriously as a woman who selects her bedmates carefully. Some things, like this, can't be forgotten -- of course the OP can and should move on from this, and potentially re-evaluate whether what she wants from a relationship is more demanding than what is otherwise available. lastly, on the comment about what a man deeply in love would do about a woman who asks not to be exclusive -- the smart man at that moment realizes it's either a shyt test (play me or trade me) or a genuine intent, but either way, shuts it down by showing her the door and moving on to the next girl. A man can control who he's in love with.
Mary3 Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 The fact that the "friend" was in the picture in light of his known desire for the OP prior to the break was improper. If my g/f had a guy like that hanging around, I'd kick her to the curb unless she did something about it. Opportunity was there that shouldn't have been there. I agree that this relationship was headed south, now its just an issue of how tacky things were at the end. Maybe if *friend* had not taken this opportunity to make the OP feel desired and wanted , cared about and listened to and been there all along while present bf was completely ignoring her, and unfortunately they united at a weak moment in her life, then none of this would have happened. Yes , she could have *not* gotten drunk that night. Maybe she could have been stronger and not put herself in a situation of being alone with the friend but it happened. She was human. She was not being treated humanely by her boyfriend. She opted for what was to be her final closure by doing the sex act with the friend . She might have wanted back the boyfriend but for WHAT ? Now he not only is bitter and angry and now untrusting , he is still likely to ignore her. In my opinion HE made this much worse for himself . Now HE lives with what happened and he needs to start taking some of the blame. I hope OP can heal and find someone who treats her better than thrown out trash sitting and waiting at the dumpster.
Cecelius Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 She was not being treated humanely by her boyfriend. She opted for what was to be her final closure by doing the sex act with the friend . She might have wanted back the boyfriend but for WHAT ? Now he not only is bitter and angry and now untrusting , he is still likely to ignore her. In my opinion HE made this much worse for himself . Now HE lives with what happened and he needs to start taking some of the blame. I hope OP can heal and find someone who treats her better than thrown out trash sitting and waiting at the dumpster. Let this be a lesson to all the college guys out there: going to class, studying and trying to better yourself, and watching sports and hanging with friends is inhumane to your girlfriend, and if she has any chump dudes hanging around waiting to pounce, you are dead in the water AND your g/f will be justified in running off to him at a moment's notice. As I said, the relationship was doomed, simply because the b/f was not into it as much as the OP was (and frankly, I think that's the way college kids who are supposed to study and not be in mini-marriages with the related drama). She of course was entitled to do what she wants, but: (potentially high maintenence) desire for attention + a fight about a break + OP getting drunk and banging the dope who hangs around is not going to result in the b/f wanting her back.
TheSwordfish Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Even if he wan't a godo boyfriend (wich is a logical reason to dump him). It wasn't a good way to end things.
Adunaphel Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Angelicis, you said you have realized that it's him you want to be with. Are you sure? *Really* sure? Could wanting him back be only a reaction induced by guilt, by the fact that you feel bad about what happened, by your bf's angry reaction? Are you 100%positive you'd feel the same about him even if you hadn't slept with your friend?
Walk Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Let this be a lesson to all the college guys out there: going to class, studying and trying to better yourself, and watching sports and hanging with friends is inhumane to your girlfriend, and if she has any chump dudes hanging around waiting to pounce, you are dead in the water AND your g/f will be justified in running off to him at a moment's notice. I'm a full time college student, involved in organizations, have friends, and family obligations... And I'm still able to make time for my bf. It's about what's important. Making time for him is important to me. My bf works 60-80 hours a week, he's still able to make time for me, and make me feel as though I'm someone special in his life. My ex worked 40 hours a week, and was incapable of making time for me. I was secondary. So I guess your right... if the guy thinks the only thing important in life is "his" life, then he might be well advised to pay a little more attention to his girl if he wishes to keep her.
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Let this be a lesson to all the college guys out there: going to class, studying and trying to better yourself, and watching sports and hanging with friends is inhumane to your girlfriend, and if she has any chump dudes hanging around waiting to pounce, you are dead in the water AND your g/f will be justified in running off to him at a moment's notice. As I said, the relationship was doomed, simply because the b/f was not into it as much as the OP was (and frankly, I think that's the way college kids who are supposed to study and not be in mini-marriages with the related drama). She of course was entitled to do what she wants, but: (potentially high maintenence) desire for attention + a fight about a break + OP getting drunk and banging the dope who hangs around is not going to result in the b/f wanting her back. I love it. Speculation City, USA. What you read as "potetially high maintenance", I read as a woman who was trapped ina relationship with a man who didn't know how to express his emotions. Both of those speculations are equally probable, and I don't see the need to "put any potential overly needy college girls in their place." I have been the person who was not able to express their emotions. I have seen the damage it can do to others.
SmoochieFace Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Let this be a lesson to all the college guys out there: going to class, studying and trying to better yourself, and watching sports and hanging with friends is inhumane to your girlfriend, and if she has any chump dudes hanging around waiting to pounce, you are dead in the water AND your g/f will be justified in running off to him at a moment's notice. As I said, the relationship was doomed, simply because the b/f was not into it as much as the OP was (and frankly, I think that's the way college kids who are supposed to study and not be in mini-marriages with the related drama). She of course was entitled to do what she wants, but: (potentially high maintenence) desire for attention + a fight about a break + OP getting drunk and banging the dope who hangs around is not going to result in the b/f wanting her back. Words of wisdom, folks. Words of WISDOM! "...mini-marriages with the related drama." ... god, I love that one!
Walk Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Wow, you people really blow my mind. Calling her high maintence, assuming she demanded a "mini-marriage", implying she created all the drama, calling her a slut, and then labeling your insults as truth. Angelicis: If you wanna talk, or vent, or anything, PM me. I'd hate to see you beat yourself up over this and potentially cause yourself greater harm then what's already been done. And it'd probably help if you could talk to someone who isn't going to judge you, or make you feel worse about it. If you don't feel comfortable pm'ing me, then maybe you could talk to a school counselor, or if you have a good friend to talk to? Just so you can come to terms with the situation in a healthy way, and be able to grow and progress from this. I think it's really important that you work through some of these feelings. I'm here if you'd like.
SmoochieFace Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 ...implying she created all the drama... Most women create drama because drama is an emotional thing and women are powered by emotions AS A RULE. So the implication is valid.
mental_traveller Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 The technicalities of whether it was cheating or not don't matter. Basically, he feels that you gave it up under cheap circumstances to a dude that might otherwise not have been an issue (and because he's a friend and has been, your ex will be wondering whether this was there all along, was there any other stuff that really was cheating, plus looking at another dude who's been with his girlfriend). This isn't too much different than if you were not technically exclusive and had slept with the guy -- the point is, that something your ex would have preferred be reserved for a relationship happened under such unfortunate circumstances. He may fall into the category of men who just wouldn't date someone who sleeps with friends. Theres also the issue that this was a friend, someone who is in your circle, and who will either continue to be, or you are going to have to exercise some efforts to stay away from. That's just a thing that a guy isn't likely to want to deal with. Agree. I don't think "breaks" in generall are a good idea, and this is one of the reasons. What was wrong with simply agreeing you wouldn't have time to meet or chat etc, yet not see anyone else for a while either? Say for 2-3 months you lead separate lives but agree not to date or show any interest in others, see how it feels then. You don't *have* to immediately jump into someone else's arms, let alone bed. Question to the women - if you were studying hard at college, and your bf back home said he wanted a break, then within a few days banged a female friend whilst drunk, would you be fine with it? Or would you be on here posting about how insensitive he was and asking how could he do such a thing?
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