Angelicis Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 My boyfriend (of a year and a half) and I had decided to go on a break a little more than a week ago, because we are both in college and this semester he had practically no time for me. He would wake up in the morning, go to class, go to the library to do homework, then come home and sleep. It seemed like the same thing everyday, and even on weekends he had to do homework and study, and in his free time he just wanted to watch sports or hang out with his friends. He told me that he saw me everyday, but in actuality, it felt like we barely talked. When I confronted him about this (not for the first time), I told him that I had been waiting a long time for things to change, for him to have time for me, and that it seemed like he didn't have time for a relationship. I suggested a break to see where we both stood, and if we should still stay together. We established that this break we could each see other people. This past weekend, I ended up sleeping with one of my close friends, who has wanted me to be his girlfriend for a few weeks now. My boyfriend knew how this guy felt about me, but I had reassurred him that I had no feelings for him. I had a certain attraction for my friend, but I think it was more because he gave me the emotional support and availability that I needed from my boyfriend. I don't actually feel physically attracted to him or want him as my boyfriend. That night, my boyfriend and I had just gotten into another fight concerning this "break", so my friend and I ended up getting drunk this weekend, and that's why we ended up sleeping together. I told my boyfriend today, because I feel that after taking a break, I know that I don't just want a boyfriend, I want to be with him. I told him that I never expected to sleep with my friend, and that we were intoxicated, even though that's no excuse. I tried to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to be with him, not anyone else, and that I was sorry for the incident. He reacted angrily, which I can understand. He doesn't want to talk to me now, and he put up an away message which told me to listen to the lyrics of Jay Z's "Can I Get A...", the uncensored version. I know I hurt him badly, and I feel like a horrible person for this. It feels even worse that it's my own fault for drinking that night. I know he's very angry at me, and I really want him to be able to forgive me and give me another chance. Is there any advice you guys can give me? I don't know how to handle this situation.
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 In my opinion you're a slut..... Sorry to say so... relationship is over if you ask me.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I think you need to give him some time and space and apologize. He should also apologize for neglecting you for so long. If he reallly loved you, he would at least talk and try to understand what led you to do what you did. I mean how long was he supposed to ignore you and put his friends and sports before all of your needs?
Author Angelicis Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 TheSwordfish, I think that was pretty unnecessary. I don't really care if you think I'm a slut or not. I came here for advice, not to be judged. This is supposed to be a supportive place for people with problems to go, you don't need to be subjecting people to your degrading insults. With that said, we both knew we were on a break and were allowed to be with other people. Now I can understand why he reacted the way he did, but I have never cheated or lied to him in the entire year and a half. I'm hoping that he'll understand and remember how I've always been dedicated and loyal to him. I've apologized to him several times, but I know that that doesn't really matter right now because he's upset. I suppose I'll try not to talk to him for awhile? I know he's angry right now...so hopefully some time off will let him cool down?
magda Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I feel that after taking a break, I know that I don't just want a boyfriend, I want to be with him.Can you explain this more? I'm not understanding how the problem of never seeing your ex has been solved. You are simply now willing to overlook never being a priority for him to see?
Sal Paradise Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I'd be mad if I was him. Number 1) It was an agreement of a break and to "see" other people. Did that include "sleeping" with other people? Was this discussed? Seeing and sleeping are two different things. Number 2) It seems a bit convenient that you sleep with a "friend" that proclaimed his feelings to you just a few weeks before this "break". If I were in his shoes I would assume you wanted this break so you could sleep with this friend and see if there was a spark. After you slept with him, you felt bad and realized you didn't like him in that way and now want your ex back. No one wants to be someone's 2nd choice. Alcohol and a fight are no excuse. You say you weren't physically attracted but you "were" emotionally attracted to the friend. You say he treats you emotionally the way you wish your bf treated you. I think that says a lot. And to me that says that part of you wanted to see if this friend could be there physically as he had been there for you emotionally. Maybe it wasn't on the surface. Maybe it was buried deep inside you. But I think deep down you wanted to explore things sexually with this friend. And perhaps, just perhaps that also influenced the timing of this "break". You may not want to admit this but I think it probably played a part in it. Furthermore your ex was aware of this guys feelings and you reassured him you wanted nothing to do with this guy sexually. And the first guy you run to for sex is this friend. Hmm yeah I'd call that a reason not to trust you, this break or have any faith for a future relationship with you. And I'd be mighty pissed off. If he does take you back (I wouldn't if I was him). I would advise you to not keep this friendship with this friend you slept with. If I was your ex I'd actually make that a stipulation. You cannot have any contact with this friend again. Not even online. This friend wants you. He will always want you. And your feelings for him will always be a bit mixed. If you truly respect your ex and want things to work, the friend has to go.
justagirliegirl Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I agree with what Sal said. You certainly didn't waste a moment's time jumping in bed with someone else and that someone you had been reassuring your bf that he was "just a friend" If I was him, I would be angry too and not take you back.
SoleMate Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Like magda, I don't see how the essential problem that triggered the "break" has been resolved. Hindsight is 20-20, and shows us that this therapeutic break actually created more problems than it solved. Both of you made a big mistake is assuming that outside sexual activity would be acceptable (if that was indeed the agreement). Is there any advice you guys can give me? I don't know how to handle this situation. I recommned backing off and giving some time for the following things to occur: 1) He cools down. 2) You think about your behavior, decide whether that is the way you want to be, and if it's not, come up with a plan as to how you will avoid similarly unwise sexual encounters in the future. I don't think you and your bf belong together. He's not willing to give you the emotional support and companionship you crave (he has time to hang with "friends" but doesn't put you in that category?), and you have difficulty providing him the faithfulness that he very much wants. It would be OK by me if you two just called it quits. Almost any breakup will be a little scary, even if it is a good idea.
Walk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 From a more experienced perspective... He told me that he saw me everyday, but in actuality, it felt like we barely talked. When I confronted him about this (not for the first time), I told him that I had been waiting a long time for things to change, for him to have time for me, and that it seemed like he didn't have time for a relationship. I suggested a break to see where we both stood, and if we should still stay together. We established that this break we could each see other people. What I saw in this part was that your bf saw nothing wrong with how he was interacting with you, or the problems it was causing you. There were several ways in which he could've made small comprimises to help make you feel more included in this relationship and not just a roomy, or friend with benefits. But he chose not to suggest even one simple comprimise with you. How hard would it have been for him to set aside 2 hours one day a week in which the two of you could spend quality time together? Instead it seems as if he chose to blow off your concerns, didn't care how it affected you, and wanted the status quo to continue. As far as sleeping with the other guy... You already know that you hurt your chances of making things work with your bf by doing this. I feel that an agreement to see other people includes all aspects of it. However, for future reference (you know this now) it breaks down the relationship you were attempting to strengthen. So should be avoided. Sleeping with the guy wasn't a good decision, but I can understand the emotional turbulence you were probably going through at the time. Don't beat yourself up about it too much. You know you made a bad decision. Learn from it, but don't dwell on any feelings of guilt or regret. You had an agreement to see other people. Both of you knew that this could be a possibility and your bf took that chance. You're not a bad person, but you made a bad decision. There's a difference. Last thing... you still haven't resolved the issue of him being distant and never having time for you. If/when he forgives you, and you two work it out, there's a big possibility it will ruin your ability to address problems you see in the relationship. He could constantly throw this back in your face. Any time you have a problem with anything he may do, you'll hear how you betrayed his trust. Your bf's thinking, as far as time with you, has not changed. He still see's nothing wrong with his past actions. You didn't mention anything about him saying he understands how he may have contributed to the situation. I think it'd be in your best interest to take some time and seriously consider what you want in a significant other, and in a relationship. I've been in a situation like yours where my SO couldn't give me even an iota of his time, and like you there were very compelling reasons for why he couldn't. Yet it didn't change how I felt, how alone you feel, unwanted, and as if you are secondary to everything. It is very lonely and hurtful. You made a mistake, your bf made mistakes, but you need to re-evaluate what it would take in order to have a fulfilling relationship with him. Right now your letting your emotions control you. I honestly believe you want him back for the wrong reasons right now. Take time to figure out what you are feeling, and what solutions may be present. Don't just focus on how to get him back, because we all want what we can't have, but it doesn't mean it's the best thing for us. And don't listen to swordfish, if you read his other threads you'd know not to listen to him.
Walk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I don't think you and your bf belong together. He's not willing to give you the emotional support and companionship you crave (he has time to hang with "friends" but doesn't put you in that category?), and you have difficulty providing him the faithfulness that he very much wants. It would be OK by me if you two just called it quits. Almost any breakup will be a little scary, even if it is a good idea. She didn't cheat on him. They BOTH agreed they could see other people. She wasn't unfaithful. She asked for a break with the stipulation to see other people BEFORE she slept with this guy. Why would she have to prove her faithfulness to him? She was faithful, then they BOTH agreed they could see other people... he may feel she betrayed him in this instance, but she didn't cheat on him within the confines of the relationship. (I'm assuming you didn't, did you?) She took as big a risk that he would sleep with another woman. He accepted that possibility when he agreed to the terms. Which makes me think he didn't care enough about the relationship to attempt to resolve the problems she was coming to him with. His actions were saying he didn't care if she saw other people rather then him taking the smallest steps in order to make their relationship stronger. I have a lot of respect for how she handled the situation. The main reason being they had an agreement to see other people. The consensus in todays world is if your "dating" someone, then sex may be involved. They agreed to "date" others. If the agreement hadn't included that, then I feel it would've been unfaithful.
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 TheSwordfish, I think that was pretty unnecessary. I don't really care if you think I'm a slut or not. I came here for advice, not to be judged. This is supposed to be a supportive place for people with problems to go, you don't need to be subjecting people to your degrading insults. With that said, we both knew we were on a break and were allowed to be with other people. Now I can understand why he reacted the way he did, but I have never cheated or lied to him in the entire year and a half. I'm hoping that he'll understand and remember how I've always been dedicated and loyal to him. I've apologized to him several times, but I know that that doesn't really matter right now because he's upset. I suppose I'll try not to talk to him for awhile? I know he's angry right now...so hopefully some time off will let him cool down? Well, sorry. Problem is, these kind of breaks are meant to have some time off and not to sleep with others. Making those kind of agreements (seeing other people) usually means broken hearts. I think you wrecked it already. He was working really hard and didn't have time for you. So you guys decide to take a break and you sleep with your best friend (after getting drunk). To your boyfriend this can mean various things. Maybe he thinks you wanted the break just to have sex with your best friend. You have slept with your best friend. That guy will still be around (you want to stay friends, don't you?) how would that be for your boyfriend? And what a nice best friend, doing that. I kissed a girl that was a good friend once (well she kissed me), just after she broke up with her girlfriend and I ended the kiss and told her it was wrong to do that. Ever thought that this action will probably backfire on you? He might take revenge, or you will always hear about the incident again if the two of you have a fight. I would just forget about your boyfriend, and find someone else. You might have lost the secure pond that is a relationship, but its not what you want is it? What I'm trying to say is that many people end a relationship and then start longing for the familiar territory, because they start missing something in their lives.
Cecelius Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 The technicalities of whether it was cheating or not don't matter. Basically, he feels that you gave it up under cheap circumstances to a dude that might otherwise not have been an issue (and because he's a friend and has been, your ex will be wondering whether this was there all along, was there any other stuff that really was cheating, plus looking at another dude who's been with his girlfriend). This isn't too much different than if you were not technically exclusive and had slept with the guy -- the point is, that something your ex would have preferred be reserved for a relationship happened under such unfortunate circumstances. He may fall into the category of men who just wouldn't date someone who sleeps with friends. Theres also the issue that this was a friend, someone who is in your circle, and who will either continue to be, or you are going to have to exercise some efforts to stay away from. That's just a thing that a guy isn't likely to want to deal with.
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 If my girls sleeps with another person, I would ditch her immediately. But then again, some poeple want that emotional safety of a relationship back and decide to forgive. I wouldn't. I think you should move on, and avoid that close friend and you ex boyfriend. One doesn't give you attention and the other isn't the one you want.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I can see how it happened, you were longing for some kind of intimacy. Your BF obviously doesn't give it to you. Breaks are a mistake, IMO, regardless of why or what or how. Break up, or stay together. Personally, though, I wouldn't want to get back into an emotionally empty relationship. I think the panic of the situation has clouded your judgement. Just back off and instead of focusing on the relationship, focus on you. What do you want. Did you get that from your relationship? What motivated you to seek physical intimacy from another men, or more -- what motivated you to get intoxicated to the point of having bad judgement? These are things that deserve some consideration, and will offer some growth. Other than that, it's not my place to judge someone else's personal choices. You obviously disliked the consequences, so that's a good thing to make judgements for yourself about what you feel comfortable with.
SmoochieFace Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 When a woman says she wants a *break* that is the signal for me to end the relationship. Breaks almost always mean there is someone else on the sidelines who's about to come out into the arena. Either you are with me or it's over. No *breaks* allowed.
catgirl1927 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 When a woman says she wants a *break* that is the signal for me to end the relationship. Breaks almost always mean there is someone else on the sidelines who's about to come out into the arena. Either you are with me or it's over. No *breaks* allowed. This is my philosophy as well. By saying you guys were taking a "break", new relationships are allowed. He has, however, the perogative to not take you back. I disagree with people who are calling you a slut. Women don't have to avoid sex just because men are easily threatened by a woman aware of her own sexuality, and even having meaningless sex doesn't make you a slut unless it makes men a slut too, which I guarantee TheSwordfish doesn't agree with. I think if you really had real feelings for your boyfriend you wouldn't have slept with your friend. So, I think the best thing is to chalk it up to experience and move on. You guys were broken up, you had sex with someone else, he doesn't want to get back together. It's not the end of the world, you're just done with that relationship.
Cecelius Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I think we can agree that the ex bf should have taken the "break" discussion as his time to terminate the relationship -- I agree that every story I have ever heard about breaks ends up involving some other person's bodily fluids, after which the original couple can rarely be even as good as they were before the break. To be honest, it sounds to me like the ex b/f was a hard working dude who focused on his goals and did not have the same attitude toward the relationship that she did. He may have felt she was high maintenence.
electric_sheep Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Sorry to say, but this doesn't look hopeful. Now, on top of the original problem not being resolved, there is this additional problem. Everyone is different. Personally I would find it very difficult to move beyond something like this. Technicalities aside ... your behavior demonstrates a certain causalness and non-chalance about sex that I would find it difficult to reconcile with. A more extreme example of this happened to me once, and my gf who I was on a break with slept with 3 guys in the course of as many weeks. My feelings for her were never the same, and sex with her lost a lot of it's magic. I ended up leaving her.
SmoochieFace Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I disagree with people who are calling you a slut. Women don't have to avoid sex just because men are easily threatened by a woman aware of her own sexuality, and even having meaningless sex doesn't make you a slut unless it makes men a slut too, which I guarantee TheSwordfish doesn't agree with. I think the *slut* comment was wrong... I know... shocking, isn't it? ... Nevertheless... the OP completely blew it as far as I am concerned. If I was her BF I would immediately terminate the relationship, wish her well, and immediately go into ZC mode for all eternity. Then I'd go for that luscious black beauty I've had my eyes on... "voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir, BABY?"
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 This is my philosophy as well. By saying you guys were taking a "break", new relationships are allowed. He has, however, the perogative to not take you back. I disagree with people who are calling you a slut. Women don't have to avoid sex just because men are easily threatened by a woman aware of her own sexuality, and even having meaningless sex doesn't make you a slut unless it makes men a slut too, which I guarantee TheSwordfish doesn't agree with. Now wait a minute.... I don't drink, don't smoke and don't have sex when I don't think it is apropriate! I don't have sex when I dont have true feelings for someone. I think sleeping with someone, in itself doesn't make someone a slut, but taking a break from a relationship and end up in bed with an uggly but nice guy, because you are drunk, isn't nice, to say the least. Its the circumstances, not the act in itself that bothers me. Like I said, I think she blew it. And I even think its not her feelings for the guy that make her feel bad and wanting to get back together. I think its her feeling bad because of her act that is the main reason for desparately wanting to turn things around. (Sometimes you do something you regret and you try lots of things to change it, but if the harm is already done it is really hard to turn things around).
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Now wait a minute.... I don't drink, don't smoke and don't have sex when I don't think it is apropriate! I don't have sex when I dont have true feelings for her. I think sleeping with someone, in itself doesn't make someone a slut, but taking a break from a relationship and end up in bed with an uggly but nice guy, because you are drunk, isn't nice. Its teh circumstances, not teh act that bothers me. Why does it bother YOU? It didn't happen to you. And anyways, if a person is looking for advice, calling them a slut isn't advice. It's passing judgement, it's rude, and it's unnecessary. Go call your GF a slut.
SmoochieFace Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Why does it bother YOU? It didn't happen to you. And anyways, if a person is looking for advice, calling them a slut isn't advice. It's passing judgement, it's rude, and it's unnecessary. Go call your GF a slut. *looking up from lunch* Why are The Swordfish's comments bothering YOU? They aren't directed to YOU, no? Chill out, B_O. *back to lunch*
TheSwordfish Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 haha, sometimes human behaviour bothers me. Sorry I'm not an Englishman or Amrican, so sometimes I might have a strange choice of words. English is only one of the languages I can use (to a certain extent). The slut remark might have been rude. Sorry if I offended you. But I already said that.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 haha, sometimes human behaviour bothers me. Sorry I'm not an Englishman or Amrican, so sometimes I might have a strange choice of words. English is only one of the languages I can use (to a certain extent). The slut remark might have been rude. Sorry if I offended you. But I already said that. Thanks, that was nice of you. Sorry if I got riled up but I hate it when men use words like "slut" or "bitch" in a derrogatory sense. I was in an abusive relationship for a year and my ex would call me names like that constantly. It really f***ed with my head.
electric_sheep Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I thought it was rude as well. Of course, it won't be the first or last rude thing said on these forums. Better to say the behavior was slutty, or promiscuous, or sexually casual, or whatever, and not pick on the OP personally. Everyone does things they regret. Anyway, what is done is done, no reason to beat the OP up over it. But, I think it's ridiculous that people take these "breaks", run off and have sex with someone else, then expect there to be no consequences. Surely they realize the troubles this will cause if they ever DO decide to get back together. If I was taking a "break" with someone I had been in a committed relationship with, and this happened, I would consider it untoughtful at the least, disrespectful, and a touch callous. I'd assume if the relationship meant anything to them they could exercise abstinence for a couple of weeks at the least, while they sorted their feelings out. I would think they were being opportunists. It would be hard convincing me afterwards sex was very special to them, or that sex with me was very special.
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