lizad Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 of breaking NC....... I'm not going to post my story again.......the short of it is (and owl if you are out there, no judging, just support) I broke NC about two weeks ago....I ended up seeing the OM and of course, HE started with I need to spend the rest of my life with you.....blah blah blah..... his story is that he wants to leave, his marriage is broken, no intimacy for two years....( I do know a lot of what he says goes on there is true...I have heard voicemails and conversations with his W) and stupidly he tells me things he prob. shouldn't.....HOWEVER...at this point, I think him and his wife deserve each other. they have been going back and forth with each of them saying they want out.....fighting back and forth in between bouts of it being ok. as of this moment they are on a family vacation where he has e-mailed me with......" i need you, i cant wait to get back to you, etc...etc.." for those of you who dont know my story, I am married as well........my H has no idea. things at home are very good and there really is no reason for my H to suspect something....... I am totally addicted to the OM.......tried unsuccessfully over the past two years to walk away...... the bigger part of me knows I have to walk away from the OM but there is a small part of me that just feels like maybe there is something truly there and maybe a future........I am soooo confused with my feelings...the only thing i I am not confused about is that regardless of his whining, he is still living at home, taking vacations with his family and so on...... I know that NC is the answer but I need help and support........ I cant keep going through this emotional rollercoaster.........
Blind Illusion Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I wish I had some great words to tell you but sadly, I live on that roller coaster as well. Even heard the voice mails as well. What's with that anyhow?
Author lizad Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 it really stinks.......huh! To be so addicted to something that is really so bad for us.......I guess like anything else. I want to believe in him so badly and everytime I hear him say those words....." I butyou, I want you....." I melt even though I am married to a good man... dont know what it is about the "pull". So I go back again only to hear the words with the actions that NEVER follow...... He doesnt even have a reason to promise anything b/c I never ask more from him.....I am the one who says I am happy at home, not leaving and so on and I truly think he really believes that.... I think he fantasizes about it so much that his reality is clouded. I just dont know why he continues to do this........if he were that miserable at home, wouldnt he leave already?????
Walking away Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Ah, that roller coaster ride. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I know that ride well.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 his story is that he wants to leave, his marriage is broken, no intimacy for two years....( I do know a lot of what he says goes on there is true...I have heard voicemails and conversations with his W) and stupidly he tells me things he prob. shouldn't.....HOWEVER...at this point, I think him and his wife deserve each other. they have been going back and forth with each of them saying they want out.....fighting back and forth in between bouts of it being ok. as of this moment they are on a family vacation where he has e-mailed me with......" i need you, i cant wait to get back to you, etc...etc.." for those of you who dont know my story, I am married as well........my H has no idea. things at home are very good and there really is no reason for my H to suspect something....... I am totally addicted to the OM.......tried unsuccessfully over the past two years to walk away...... the bigger part of me knows I have to walk away from the OM but there is a small part of me that just feels like maybe there is something truly there and maybe a future........I am soooo confused with my feelings...the only thing i I am not confused about is that regardless of his whining, he is still living at home, taking vacations with his family and so on...... I know that NC is the answer but I need help and support........ I cant keep going through this emotional rollercoaster......... Hi Lizad, Sorry to hear that you are going through HELL. I can identify with you because I am also married and in love with a MM. I don't understand why you believe that he's not having sex with his W? I am not very happy with my H and we fight, but we still have sex. I don't think he can live without sex either. I mean, if he were definitely not getting sex at home, he'd have divorced her ALREADY! Keep the NC. It will get easier. There are so many, many times that I want to contact my MM. (We've kept NC for 5 months.) I want to email him some curse words, one line questions, you name it. But so far, I have been very good at not actually doing any of the things that I want to do. I don't know if he is suffering, too. But I'd rather think that he does, so why break the NC and give him the satisfaction? Secondly, I am keeping the NC for myself as well. i wanted the affair to stop. He wants the affair to stop, too. He knows what the affair was doing to me. (I told him on my last email to him. And to that, he replied that he doesn't want to continue the A.) I know that he is keeping the distance from me to protect my heart from breaking further. So for your MM to contact you, and to entice you with words, such as "can't live without you", blah, blah, blah, is just mean. And heartless. And inconsiderate. See him for what he is, and stay away from him longer than 2 weeks. It will get easier with time. Being in the emotional state that we are in, even one day feels like eternity. But mark your calendar and make yourself busy. Take one day at a time.
Sami_D Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Hello lizad. I just want to ask you... would you ever get divorced to be with this man? Do you think it could work out that way? If not... then really, the only sensible thing is to walk away from this, because it's only ever going to be a roller-coaster. And what you're risking... your H finding out and losing everything.
Jessie61 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I cant keep going through this emotional rollercoaster......... Lizad, I know that roller coaster very well too....NC is the only way to go. See it as dieting - you might have a momentary lapse and munch that piece of chocolate, but then you go back on the diet and keep trying....
Author lizad Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Hi there to all who have responded..... to answer "know how love feels"......I'm pretty sure they are not sleeping together b/c he is almost too honest with me if you know what I mean........I know, after two years something seems wrong with that but about 6 years ago he had a little fling which she found out about, she cannot forgive him and at this point seems to hate him.......I am not being naive and I cannot imagine they are not sleeping together but that is something I will never know for sure. I know NC is the only answer to this, I know it will be so difficult as I think about him all the time. I do believe he is sincere with his fantasies of being together but if after all this time he is still there, I am quite sure he will never leave. As far as my situation at home, it's a pretty good one and I risk my 20 year marriage everyday that I remain in this affair. I think what keeps me hanging on, is that part of me wonders what it would be like to be with him forever. I really shouldn't even think about it though b/c he has not shown me up till now that he is leaving his. I guess just hearing him talk about it constantly and listening to his desires daily gets me caught up with those fantasies as well....... as far as your question...sami D....I think about what it would be like if I divorced my husband........I go back and forth constantly with those thoughts. I love my husband and I love this OM...... Even though some might say I have the "perfect affair" for lack of a better word, meaning that I can have both, I dont want both....... It seems like everytime I get a bit caught up with his desires, he does or says something stupid and I walk away.......for a short time only to come back again. right now he is away on a family vacation. right before he left I got really pissed at him again and of course I got the e-mails saying "I am not letting you go, I am fighting for you, I want you, I need you, I am going to have you, etc.) I didnt respond. I got a few e-mails ( he is away in another country) saying how he cant wait to get back to me, I am all he thinks about, etc.... I basically wrote him back saying that I was glad he was thinking of me however I cannot get caught up with him nor will I allow myself to fall that deep or even contemplate a future with him as he remains unavailable. I told him to enjoy his family and I will talk to him when I return from my trip which I am leaving on sat for a week...... he wrote back that he knew this was coming again. ( meaning I have tried to walk away atleast once a month for the last two years) thinking about it later on in the day, I just got angry and wrote a very nasty e-mail and just said "do me a favor , call me when your actions match your words) I then proceeded to close my e-mail account AGAIN! I know I need to walk away from this for my own sanity and I know in time, if I can do that, it will just become hopefully a memory. He gets back the night before I leave for a week, so maybe this is the best time to do this........ sorry for the long post........just need to vent and share b/c as I am sure most of you know, nobody else knows and there is no one to talk to about this.........especiallt for those who are married........ I thank you for all your support and just ask that you keep supporting......
silentjuliet Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I wish I could offer advice but I'd be horrible at it. I just want to say I feel for you and understand the addiction for someone you can't exactly have ...or should have. I just hope for you to be happy and healthy however that happens or whatever that means for you and your life.
allears Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I cant keep going through this emotional rollercoaster......... Stop playing the victim. YOU broke NC so you can only blame YOURSELF for your emotional rollercoaster. The real victim here is his wife. Dont worry, karma will work its way back to you. Wipe away those tears b/c you are a big girl you knew what you were getting into and concentrate on your marriage. Your husband is SO lucky to be married to a lying cheating adultress.
Owl Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 No judgements here friend. Just the observation that if you change nothing, nothing changes. You mentioned that things at home are pretty good, and you're risking a 20 year marriage every day you stay in this affair. To me, this sounds like reason enough to end it. If nothing else, you owe it to your H who has loved and cared for you for 20 years to either end your affair or end your marriage. Again, not judging you...but simply laying things out so that they're obvious to see. You know the risks of continuing this...at this point, if you DON'T make a change, the odds are very high that sometime in the near future your life is going to get far, far worse than it is now. WHEN your H finds out (note I didn't say if...he will, it's simply a matter of when), how are you going to deal with it? Are you going to attempt to continue the lie and cover up what's gone on? Are you going to attempt to reconcile at all? Are you willing to live a life with your H completely and totally out of the picture? My wife never REALLY considered any of these things when she was in her affair...she had to face them when I found out. She hadn't thought that far ahead. My GUESS here (and I admit that it's a guess) is that you've spent the last two years FEELING, and not THINKING. My hope is that you make a choice soon...and teach yourself how to make it stick. Really, the BEST way for you to end your affair and make it stay ended is by telling your husband. Remember I said WHEN he finds out...he's going to. And HOW he finds out can play a huge factor in what happens next. You have the ability to control how that happens now, but you will lose that ability at some point. I still recommend that you tell your H about the affair, and then use that to determine where you go from here. I'd bet quite a bit that if you ASKED YOUR HUSBAND TO HELP YOU END IT, you would be AMAZED at how hard he's willing to fight for you. What have you got to lose? You risk more by waiting until he finds out on his own. Then you'll have NO power to make choices on what you'd like to happen...HE'LL be the one deciding the fate of your marriage, and he'll be making that choice when he's angry, and hurt beyond anything he's ever suffered before.
Author lizad Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 thank you once again owl for your support. as far as playing the victim ALLEARS.....I am not nor am I crying.....sharing a very common story that a lot of us on here have gone through or are going through. i dont pretend to be innocent by any stretch of the means.....I made a mistake 2 years ago and got myself caught up in a bad situation......which i am trying to rectify but thank you for your lovely description...... I know how you feel OWL about me coming clean......still pondering that at that moment. I know it is up to me and I am in control of making the change...........I am not going to elaborate on that anymore, I am taking one day at a time and hoping each day gets easier. I do thank you for responding once again..........
Sami_D Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Stop playing the victim. YOU broke NC so you can only blame YOURSELF for your emotional rollercoaster. The real victim here is his wife. Dont worry, karma will work its way back to you. Wipe away those tears b/c you are a big girl you knew what you were getting into and concentrate on your marriage. Your husband is SO lucky to be married to a lying cheating adultress. Woooo... wonder when karma will be on it's way to you for kicking someone when they're down. Nice post.
movinon05 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 NC is the only way to go. Its been over a year for me and things do get better. Unfortunately, I still think about him every day. And there's many things to remind me of him. When I do see him or his W, I still shake, and have to work myself through that too. But I just keep moving and tell myself I'm much better for it and I am. Sometimes I don't think it will ever go away. but it certainly does get easier. If you continue contact, you stay on the rollercoaster. NC will help you get off. Just give it time. But obviously, you have to stick to it to. If you ask him for NC, and he doesn't comply, he is obviously thinking about himself more than he thinks about you. And being his selfish self.
Author lizad Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I know that NC is the only way to go, now I just have to abide by it. I have to be honest, I am at fault when breaking NC.....I do it, and I feel strong and then I get a little meloncholy and there it goes. I have done this countless times over two years, it has almost become a pattern that the OM knows.....so he wait for me to "come back" I have to say that right now he is still away on vacation and after the last very nasty e-mail I wrote, I have not heard again. I also closed my e-mail account AGAIN.....he has not called. he is in another country right now.... I leave sat. for our vacation for a week also to another country where calling is not an option........ I know I am probably being naive to think that by the time I get back, maybe he will just leave it be.........but then again he has never been the one to walk away........ever. Maybe this time, I can be the strong one and not turn back............ thought it would be easy.....yea sure lol The one thing here is, I'm not really sure what I wanted from this A. I am not one of these selfish, cake eating people who others might think. I got into this relationship b/c of issues I was having a few years ago......the guilt wore on me constantly and then I just couldn't walk away. I know my issues, I liked the attention from the OM and all.....I did get caught up in his fantasies of a future with him and then of course reality would set it and I would say " what am I doing"........the OM and I have also had our isssues.....It's like I would think about all the things he said and did and part of me would say he is a liar and so forth and then I would want to believe him so badly.......( for those of you who are going through this, do you get what I mean here?) anyway, I have to say that for all the feeling good, such a big price to pay emotionally........so much more stress than good. So here I am once again looking for support, venting my feelings and hopefully breaking this thing once and for all........ thanks to all for sharing.
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