Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Me and my S/O had an interesting conversation this morning. After reading so many posts here on LS and reading about other peoples problems, it makes you think about your own relationship. I asked BF if he thinks someone who has cheated in a relationship who knows they made a mistake and is truely sorry for what they did and has stopped they're infidelity should confess to their partner/spouse or spare them the pain. His opinion was to tell the truth and then separate, that a relationship cannot be reconsiled after someone has cheated. I am torn as to what I think. If I were the one who cheated, I know I would feel horrible and would never do it again (I don't think I could even do it the first time) so I would'nt want to tell him because I know it wouldn't happen again and I wouldn't want him to have to deal w/the pain. Then again if he cheated on me, I would want to know. So I was wondering if anyone else has thought about this or gone through this and if you think relationships can be reconsiled after infidelity.
JadeStar Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 "a relationship can not be reconciled after cheating" IMO this is false. Some marraiges/relationships can be saved after an affair. With lots of counseling, communication between both people etc. I think it depends on what both people truly want. If they want to work things out and work on the marraige then they will probably put forth alot of effort into making it work. If they are not willling to do so, or one can't seem to get passed certain things and it ends up being a problem then yeah it may not work. I think it can be done though. Jade
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 "a relationship can not be reconciled after cheating" It is true for me... You cheat... you're gone. Period. I allow no exceptions. And if the woman starts in with her *blah blah blah* about... no... her ass goes out the door even faster. She better hope we don't live in a highrise cuz in that case her ass will go out via the nearest window. Bye-bye baby...
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 IMO, a relationship cannot be saved once someone has betrayed trust. I think if you let someone do that to you and get away with it, they will do it over and over again.
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 This is interesting. I wonder if there's a gender gap in terms of who is more willing to attempt reconciliation after infidelity? I really don't have an answer to this; I'm just asking. And of course, no one really knows what they would do until they're faced with the facts, not a hypothetical situation. Still, it's an interesting hypothetical question (which I'm sure has been posed umpteen times on LS since its inception ).
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 This is interesting. I wonder if there's a gender gap in terms of who is more willing to attempt reconciliation after infidelity? I really don't have an answer to this; I'm just asking. And of course, no one really knows what they would do until they're faced with the facts, not a hypothetical situation. Still, it's an interesting hypothetical question (which I'm sure has been posed umpteen times on LS since its inception ). I think there is definitely a difference in the way men and women deal with this. Women overanalyze and worry what's wrong with them and what they did to deserve it, and in blaming themselves are able to convince themselves that the guy deserves a second chance. Men are all, "kick that ho to the curb!"
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 This is interesting. I wonder if there's a gender gap in terms of who is more willing to attempt reconciliation after infidelity? I really don't have an answer to this; I'm just asking. And of course, no one really knows what they would do until they're faced with the facts, not a hypothetical situation. Still, it's an interesting hypothetical question (which I'm sure has been posed umpteen times on LS since its inception ). Well... fidelity and honesty are at the top of the good ol' list of priorities and if my SO/wife/whatever cannot live up to my standards in that regard then she has no place in my life. This isn't a *hypothetical* at all - you cheat, you're gone. I don't care about any flimsy excuses she may concoct to explain it.
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 When I cheated, the man still wanted to be in a relationship. But it was never the same and the relationship ended.
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 When I cheated, the man still wanted to be in a relationship. But it was never the same and the relationship ended. See, I don't understand this. Why would any guy still want to be with someone who cheated on them? Is it low self-esteem? A lack of self-respect? A fear of being alone? What gives!
a4a Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I have and will always kick the ho to the curb. No going back for me. Cannot deal with it. Too many fishies in the sea to put up with that crap. Give em the Tater and tell em later
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Yeah, I tried to edit to add (but y'all were too quick for me) that when my exH cheated, I did something I thought I'd never ever do - I asked him to go to marriage counseling to see if the marriage was salvageable. It wasn't, as I quickly discovered. He wasn't interested in reconciling, and, after I got over the initial shock of discovery, neither was I. But I'll admit that my first reaction was, maybe we can work this out. And it was a long time before I stopped blaming myself.
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 See, I don't understand this. Why would any guy still want to be with someone who cheated on them? Is it low self-esteem? A lack of self-respect? A fear of being alone? What gives! If you are looking for some definitive answer you'll never find it. The subtleties of the emotional interactions are probably not comprehendable.
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 If you are looking for some definitive answer you'll never find it. The subtleties of the emotional interactions are probably not comprehendable. Thank god I think logically then. It's not difficult to comprehend... you go against me - you are out. Nothing *subtle* about that whatsoever.
Author Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 This is interesting. I wonder if there's a gender gap in terms of who is more willing to attempt reconciliation after infidelity? I really don't have an answer to this; I'm just asking. And of course, no one really knows what they would do until they're faced with the facts, not a hypothetical situation. Still, it's an interesting hypothetical question (which I'm sure has been posed umpteen times on LS since its inception ). I've noticed that too. The men seem to agree w/my bf about not being able to trust the person, yet I've read so many posts on here about women taking back there cheating bf/spouce again and again. I wonder why this is. I dont' think I'd be able to deal w/the pain and emotional stress
JadeStar Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 As I said before I think it depends on what people want. If both people are willing to work it out after an affair then fine. If one person in the relationship is NOT willing to work it out, then no it wont work and whats the point of trying then? It would be best to call it quits. I myself haven't been in that situation and hope I'm not and no I don't know for sure what I would do if faced with that, but if I had to take a guess, I would say I probably wouldn't want to work things out if he cheated. I personally couldn't remain in a situation where I was always wondering what they were doing etc. But thats just me. Jade
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I've noticed that too. The men seem to agree w/my bf about not being able to trust the person' date=' yet I've read so many posts on here about women taking back there cheating bf/spouce again and again. I wonder why this is. I dont' think I'd be able to deal w/the pain and emotional stress[/quote'] The women who take back their dear cheaters probably suffer from low self-esteem and low self-respect. They are probably afraid that they will NEVER find another man again in their lifetimes so they are scared to kick the cheater out on his ass.
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Thank god I think logically then. It's not difficult to comprehend... you go against me - you are out. Nothing *subtle* about that whatsoever. Like I said, you don't seem to understand the emotional dynamics involved with infidelity. There's a lot more to it than that.
JackJack Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 The women who take back their dear cheaters probably suffer from low self-esteem and low self-respect. They are probably afraid that they will NEVER find another man again in their lifetimes so they are scared to kick the cheater out on his ass. I think this may ring true for some women. I know it was like this for my brother and his wife. He cheated on her a few years ago, it was a short lived affair but an affair just the same. Nothing against my sister in law, but she does seem to have low self esteem and I do feel part of why she took him back. She doesn't work, stay home with the kids, she doesn't have any real money to call her own so to speak, he is the one that has done everything for her as far as material wise etc. and I think she felt it was better to stay with him because she felt she couldn't do any better than what she had. JMO
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Like I said, you don't seem to understand the emotional dynamics involved with infidelity. There's a lot more to it than that. Perhaps I don't WANT to understand any *dynamics*. I'm not interested in the whys of infidelity. All I care about is honesty and fidelity. If you are not happy with me then you had best leave. And leave fast. See, I'm not exactly enamoured with the idea of my wife going out and balling some bohemian artsy-fartsy type creep (watch "Unfaithful" for the example) while I bust my ass to bring home the bread so that we can have a purty little house and garden and a Lexus. If she can't come to me and tell me that there are *issues* in our marriage then she is weak IMO and she doesn't belong with me. I will have infinitely more respect for a woman who can talk things over with me instead of sneaking around and getting off on some jackass boy-toy. Seems that some of these women wanna have their cake and eat it too - they want the *thrill* of cheap sex with some prick who deserves to have his head smashed in (again, watch "Unfaithful") AND have a nice and comfy home to roost at night. Uh-uh, baby, no f***in' way! The hell with so-called *dynamics*...
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Perhaps I don't WANT to understand any *dynamics*. I'm not interested in the whys of infidelity. All I care about is honesty and fidelity. If you are not happy with me then you had best leave. And leave fast. See, I'm not exactly enamoured with the idea of my wife going out and balling some bohemian artsy-fartsy type creep (watch "Unfaithful" for the example) while I bust my ass to bring home the bread so that we can have a purty little house and garden and a Lexus. If she can't come to me and tell me that there are *issues* in our marriage then she is weak IMO and she doesn't belong with me. I will have infinitely more respect for a woman who can talk things over with me instead of sneaking around and getting off on some jackass boy-toy. Seems that some of these women wanna have their cake and eat it too - they want the *thrill* of cheap sex with some prick who deserves to have his head smashed in (again, watch "Unfaithful") AND have a nice and comfy home to roost at night. Uh-uh, baby, no f***in' way! The hell with so-called *dynamics*... Wow. What a complicated and detailed fantasy life you must have.
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Wow. What a complicated and detailed fantasy life you must have. Who the hell said anything about this being any *fantasy*... aside from you, of course...
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Wow. I had no idea this sort of thing really happened any more. But there are SO many people on here who have this relationship where the woman is being paid to be with the man.
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think this may ring true for some women. I know it was like this for my brother and his wife. He cheated on her a few years ago, it was a short lived affair but an affair just the same. Nothing against my sister in law, but she does seem to have low self esteem and I do feel part of why she took him back. She doesn't work, stay home with the kids, she doesn't have any real money to call her own so to speak, he is the one that has done everything for her as far as material wise etc. and I think she felt it was better to stay with him because she felt she couldn't do any better than what she had. JMO I feel bad for your SIL, man, that's a rotten thing your brother did to her.
Author Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 The women who take back their dear cheaters probably suffer from low self-esteem and low self-respect. They are probably afraid that they will NEVER find another man again in their lifetimes so they are scared to kick the cheater out on his ass. Well yea, when your S/O all of the sudden finds someone more attractive than you of course your gonna have low self esteem issues!!
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 But there are SO many people on here who have this relationship where the woman is being paid to be with the man. Care to explain this please? Thanks.
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