KittenMoon Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 This morning I had the most awful dream- the worst one I've had yet about my ex. I dreamed I met up with him at this weird entertainment club, where I found out he had spent the last several weeks having sex every day with not one, but two girls (at the same time). And these girls were basically just groupies at this weird club. I was completely appalled that he had done this so soon after our break-up, during the time he had sent me an email tell me he missed me (which happened in real life), and worst that he didn't care that this bothered me at all. Prior to him nonchalantly telling me about these two girls, he had tried to sleep with me, but just gotten angry with me because I told him he had to use a condom because I stopped the pill when we broke up (again, happened in real life- the pill, not us sleeping together). Then I kept getting really upset because he continued to talk about these girls as if I shouldn't care, at which point I ran away and tried to cut my wrists. I had another similar dream where I did this for his attention, but in this dream it was for real. I really wanted to die. I remember telling him I didn't want to live if it wasn't with him. In turn, he treated these actions like I was a child holding my breath for attention, and just tried to escort me home. I kept trying to bargain with him, like asking him to let me be involved in his tryst that evening, and he was just like "sure, whatever". The logical part of my brain in my dream was like "no way- I don't mean anything to him so why get involved in this?!" Anyways, when I woke up it was one of those "Thank god!!!" moments when I realized it was a dream. Still, I have felt sick and anxious since, worse physically than I have in weeks. I know a lot of this dream stems from a realization I had yesterday. I realized that though we talked about being friends eventually, I do not want this. He wasn't willing to put effort into saving our relationship- so what effort am I going to get from him as a friend? And though we talked about trying again someday, I have this feeling that if he is with anyone else, and comes back to me, I will never be able to be with him without thinking of that. I know I shouldn't care so much about physicality, especially if he finds he never loves anyone else, but I do for some reason. So my big realization is that I am, in fact, losing him for good, all together. I do not want to be treated on the same level as one of his friends, I want to be more important to him than that. And if I can't have that---? My ego says "He's losing ME!" but I'm the one who doesn't want to have to see him w/ other girls, especially if he falls in love again. He has never seemed concerned about seeing me w/ other guys, but then again, my imagination is far more vivid than his. Maybe if he sees that one day--? Anyways, the thought of him NEVER being in my life again is staggering. Maybe my feelings will change with time; sometimes I wonder if this is just Life's way of teaching me to forgive more easily, regardless of the outcome. Right now he thinks he can come back to me as a friend (and maybe more) someday, because that's what was set up at the end. But I'm beginning to doubt that. I'm beginning to think I cannot deal with being downgraded, that I cannot deal with just settling for friendship. ANd it's hard to accept this and move on when I very well might have to see him several times over the next month and a half, until our friend's showers/parties/wedding is finally over. Sorry for the long post- had to get this out. It's just very staggering to realize I wanted to keep the door open a crack for him, and beginning to wonder if I what I really want is to just shut it and lock it and never see him again ever.
the_alchemyst Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 What a terrible dream, Kitten. (I am so glad I am not having any of these, but then again, I haven't really been sleeping, so it's not like I actually can.) The wrist-cutting must have seemed so vivid. Thank goodness you woke up at the time that you did. But I have to ask: Why are you afraid? Are you afraid of losing him for good? Or are you afriad that, if he comes back, you won't want him anymore? These are two entirely different things, I think, and both equally scary . . . .
Author KittenMoon Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 The wrist-cutting must have seemed so vivid. Thank goodness you woke up at the time that you did. But I have to ask: Why are you afraid? Are you afraid of losing him for good? Or are you afriad that, if he comes back, you won't want him anymore? . Actually, my one wrist actually seemed to burn where I had cut it in the dream. My mind screws with me a lot- sometimes I seem to be able to imagine things so vividly that I get terribly upset and forget what's real and what's not. I've been telling myself, this is JUST a dream- you know he's not a total skank. It took him a year and a half to sleep with ME! What guy is like that? How much could he have changed, other than being more like "normal" people. And yes, I am both terrified of losing him for good and not wanting him if he comes back. Him being with anyone else makes me feel sick, even if it's only physical in the end. I don't know why I am like this... It's like when you break a dish, even if you glue it back together, even if you can barely see the crack, it's still not as good as it was. And I am afraid he will treat me like a friend of convinience, or of obligation, not as a person he truly has affection for. Just so confused- I know I gotta get myself straightened out a bit before ANYTHING can happen.
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