Guest Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 hi all, i kinda got myself in a dilemma. i hope i get some feedback on what to do. well my gf and i have been together now for two years. we've had some ups and downs and aswell a short break (1 week). it's difficult to say, i love her, but i know i do not want to spend my life with her, i need my freedom. i am 29 years old and have been single a very long time and am used to that feeling. and now with my gf i get the feeling of not being able to do what i want. when we do things together it is just great, but it's those times i want to be alone, do my things. she has no friends, so she is always with me. well i thought that if she'd move in with me, that i would have more time to do things for myself, but that is not the case. she misses me even when we are not in the same room! am i wrong to not miss her the same way? well to make a long story short, i want to break up and be by myself again. but she has just moved all her stuff from her place to mine like 3 weeks ago. stupid situation...can somebody pls help? thanks so much
GB111 Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Sorry, but I don't believe this has anything to do with you needing space. If this was the right woman, you wouldn't NEED the space. The longer you let this go on, the more you're going to hurt her. Given those facts, try to remember the following. Though it may be hard for you, remember that it will be much harder for her. If you really care about her, try to follow as many of these guidelines as possible. 1. Do it. Don't play the distance game. Don't drag this out longer than it has to. Tell her how you feel, and move on. Just be absolutely sure that you cannot possibly (and do not want to) work this out with her. Sounds more to me like you want to sow your oats than that she isn't right for you, but that makes no difference. Whatever your reason, get on with it. 2. No false hope. After you "do it", don't give her any false hope. Tell her it simply isn't working and you are quite certain about the decision you've made. She's going to call you. She's going to email you. She's going to IM you. While not responding is not recommended, do not give any false hope. 3. NO SEX. Assuming you had a physical relationship, don't give in to your physical "needs". Sure, it feels good at the time, but if you really care about her, you won't make her suffer like this. 4. Respect NC. If and when she chooses to go NC, respect her need for time. Do not go calling for reassurance that she is still there. Remember that as far as you're concerned, she is not the one. Let her heal. 5. Respect your past. There is no need to be nasty at these times, no matter how needy she may become. Remember that she is hurting. She will look for reassurance, and while it is not nasty to give hope, it is nasty not to respect her. I'm sure she is a decent human being, and she has given you a period of her life. That is certainly worth the effort of being kind, if not hopeful. 6. You are not friends. Remember, unless you were friends before, you're not friends now. I am absolutely convinced that friendships with ex lovers do not work for a LONG time. Sure, you can get to that point, but we're talking about a year of NC. More for some, less for others. If you're going to be friends, you have to start from scratch, and scratch means NO emotional attachment. You have to be totally comfortable with yourself and your position in life. Who knows, maybe something will spark again out of friendship, but the coals had better not be warm. 7. No need for another. Unless you are being dishonest with yourself, nobody needs to take her place. Take the time to reflect on what you really DO want in a mate. Perhaps you'll determine that she wasn't all that bad, or maybe you'll find that you really need something else in another person to complete you. Whatever the case, don't manipulate someone else because you need to fill a hole in your life. You'll just be playing with that persons emotiions, and they deserve better than that. Anyhow, I hope this helps. I'm going through an ugly breakup myself, and if my ex had followed some of these rules, I'd be a lot further along than I am. She should have respected me, and I hope you will respect the woman who has given you so much as well. Having said everything I have, I do not fault you for not loving this woman any longer. Sometimes (and more often than not) things just don't work out. This is absolutely natural and positive. Just remember that she deserves your respect, so give it to her. Best of luck to you. I hope this turns out to be positive for both of you. Regards, GB
zarathustra Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 Actually, I disagree with GB about "If this was the right woman, you wouldn't NEED the space". I think everyone needs space and to not lose themselves in a relationship. However, Guest, I think that its not healthy for her to not have friends. I think that its not really good that she misses you when you are not in the same room. I percieve this as her insecurities about the relationship and probably from instincts feel you are pulling away from her. It is ok to feel the need for space and to ask for it. But if you are at the point where you don't want to be with her anymore, then prolonging the inevitable does nothing but produce an unhealthy cycle of pain.
littlepiggy1 Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Moving in together was definitely a mistake if you were having doubts before. No sense waiting any longer. And really, you're not doing her any favors by waiting. If she's not going to get a long-term commitment from you, why waste her time? It will be painful, but it's better to break up now than do it later. There are also legal incentives to break up sooner than later. I don't know what the "common law" spouse laws are like where you live, but where I am, if two people live together for a certain period of time (a year, I think) they become "common law" spouses. As a result, break-ups can take on a tricky legal aspect, as well as an emotional one.
Guest Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 thanks for all the replies. glad somebody is out there listening/reading. to tell you the truth i am just too chicken to break up with her, especially now that it's practically too late. i know we should have never moved in together, but at the time it seemed like a good step to do and see how things evolve. but looking back now i should've waited. when i look at her, it hurts me to much to tell her "sorry but I think we should break up". i know she couldn't handle that. she tells me everyday that she loves me and loves to be with me. but as you have all said, it's better to do it now than later. so i guess what i will do is just stick together at least for another 3 months and then tell her. maybe by then i have the guts. there are days, where she makes me mad i just want to say we should break up, but i'm sure that alot of other people sometimes feel the same. i will be going to the military (swiss military) for 3 weeks. so there we will be spending some time apart. i hope that will maybe clear my head. i have this perfect girl, yet i still don't feel happy. am i just plain stupid?
PlentyLV007 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 How funny...my ex was scared to break up w/ me too. So I did it for him! Coward.
Chinook Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 to tell you the truth i am just too chicken to break up with her, especially now that it's practically too late. Actually, yes. I do think you are just plain stupid. Who the hell do you think you are...? This is THREE MONTHS that this girl will NOT get back. THREE MONTHS in which she could be healing. THREE months in which she could be finding friends. She doesn't want your PITY. She wants your LOVE. You my friend, are a coward. I had cancer. My partner stuck his head in the sand whilst I had treatment so I ended up going it alone. THAT is what it takes. THAT is how a relationship may turn ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. It happened to me. I was only 32 at the time. So it can happen to you. So... get off your butt and do something about it. NOW. Not in 3 months time when you can pick up the guts to do it. You are STEALING her time. My partner stole 10 years from me and yes, there were good times but when it CAME RIGHT down to it... he bailed. So. Priorities. Sort them out and stick with them.
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