DismayedMan Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 This is so hard to write down but I will try. My first wife was Lynn who I married in 1972 after we were childhood sweethearts. Sadly we divorced in 1980 and I remarried in 1982. Her name was Sue and we had 2 beautiful daughters who are now 25 & 21. After 21 years of marriage we seperated 3 years ago. I used to work as Regional Manager for a National UK Company and earnt lots of money, so Sue and the kids wanted for nothing. In fairness Sue also worked full time and we both played our part in running the home. I became very ill 5 or 6 years ago with a quite serious lung disease and this meant I had to retire on medical grounds. From that moment it was as if a brick wall went up between my wife and I. I think she resented the fact that I was unable to work, but God, I felt awful about it too. I had worked all my life and was shattered when they told me I couldn't work again. Anyway she found someone else and left me and the kids. I had to sell the home and now live in rented accomadation with my eldest daughter. 2 years ago I re-met my first wife Lynn, purely by chance. One thing led to another and we realised that we still had a great love for each other. She was married with 2 children in their 20's. Her husband hadn't worked for 15 years, he said he had a bad back! Lynn went to work, ran the home etc etc and her husband and kids led her a dogs life. In 20 years he never even took her on a holiday. She eventually had a bust up with him because he found out she had been seeing me and she left. Her children, particularly her daughter was and still is very anti towards her and cannot see that she left because of the way her life had become with her lazy, good for nothing husband. I couldn't have her living with me as there wasn't room unless I kicked my daughter out. So, she rented a place. As the months wore on she missed her children so much that she couldn't bear it, although she went to see them occasionally but it meant a round trip of 400 miles to see them, so not very practical. I tried to give her all the things she hadn't had with her husband, days out, meals out, holidays and of course love and affection. A year ago, she decided to go and live with her parents to be nearer the kids, so that meant we would only see each other as and when. Funnily enough she hasn't seen any more of her kids since the move and the daughter is still very very anti. She came up to me for Xmas and New Year and she went home the day after New Years day. We kissed and said we loved each other. 2 weeks later she sent me text and said she didn't want to see me anymore. Ever since then I have been trying to find out WHY?? I have finally gotten it out of her, that her kids mean more to her than anything and she will do anything to get them back in her life. They obviously resent me and see me as part of the cause of the family break up so, Lynn has decided that if she is not with me anymore then her kids will welcome her back into their lives. I don't think so somehow. I have told her that they are not being fair and that she deserves a life of her own and to be happy with someone she loves. She said she loves me and always will but can't be without her kids. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I am in a state of deep depression. This sounds awful, but it would be easier to deal with if she had died. This is just like an open wound that will never heal. What can I do??
Elyssa Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I don't know what to tell you... all I can say is that your post saddened me. I feel for you and I think the situation you are in is simply horrible. Love is a beautiful thing but I cannot imagine how much you must be hurting Just remember, things will get better, eventually. -E
riobikini Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 DM, (Smile) Your life is not over. You've taken some terrific hits in the rear, that's for sure, -but let's drag that old cliche out once more and say, " Life does go on". It does. And things do have a way of improving. I have no ready answers for you that smooth all the wrinkles and square all the corners for your life, -but I do want to convey this thought: there is hope ...hope that, as time passes feelings will change (yours, I mean)...and when feelings change, it changes the way we get up in the morning, the way we enjoy our coffee, the way we look at things -and generally, it changes our lives. Eventually. Grasping the present reality of your situation is more than painful, I'm sure, -it also 'colors' your world in that, you probably have difficulty seeing past all this and figuring out that, someday, it will all "be better". I realize the resistance to that thought, just now. Whether Lynn comes back, for now, is really not the biggest issue with you, -it's more about how you are (and have) dealt with the trauma of losing significant people from your life, and the subsequent depression that's lingering that takes precedent, even over the pain of the loss(es). It robs your life of a certain quality and can cause you to be mired in a serious kind of rut that holds you hostage and prevents your life from progressing in a healthy way. It deflects your recognition of any 'good' that can enter your life again, -you somehow just 'miss it'. Treat the depression first. Depending on how strong of a hold it has on you determines whether or not you might need professional help. I suspect, since your forced retirement and divorce, -and even though years have passed since -depression has been an issue for you....something that came, -and stayed. And even 'hidden' depression can make you vulnerable to emotional attachment to relationships that have no business being formed in the first place....(maybe Lynn is an example?) As for the pain of the break with Lynn, it can only make the depression and the whole thing worse. DM, you sound like a very caring individual with a great deal of substance and intelligence. Despite your tough breaks, (your divorce, for instance) you have still managed to hang on and, at least, try to build a new life -and I'm thinking positive towards your ability to do it again. You know, in my own life, I've plumbed the depths, myself, a time or two....but nothing in this world could keep me from crawling on my belly, if I had to, -to reach for another day just to see what happens. Keep posting...and take care. (Smile) Yours, -Rio
Guest Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 DM you are a strong man. Definetely stronger than i am. I am so sorry you have experienced so much loss in your life. Your ex wife sue obviously didn't know the meaning of "in sickness and in health" of your vows. reading your post i say shame on her. Some people are just selfish and only think of themsleves, she seems to be one of those. I am very sorry to hear about Lynn also. I agree with you in that if her reason for ending things is because she thinks her children will then magically mend their relationship and come back with open arms she is deluded. I doubt that her seeing you is the cause of the strain in the relationship. It is probably much more complicated than that. so don't blame yourself. You were a good person, and it seems that you were really there for her. It is a shame she didn't appreciate it. I agree with some of the other posters in that you should not wait for her though. The best thing is to move on (easier said than done, i know, i am also going through a breakup and its killing me). However if you do move on and heal yourself it will be a win win situation. Either she will come back, or you will have found happiness with someone new. Either way you will be happy and that is what is important. best of luck. breakups are tough. Beastial amounts of pain as someone i know would say. but you'll get through it.
Author DismayedMan Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks Elyssa & Rio, for your kind words and advice. Thanks Rio for such a comprehensive and helpful answer. Your words make so much sense, You are a clever and very sensitive, warm person. I will try and take on board what you are saying. One thing is for sure, I am not ready to give up yet!!! Jim xx
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