Touche Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Excellent advice Striving! And furthermore, I want to add that I don't think any of us have been harsh. I second the comments made by Striving that if you, CG were my BEST friend or my sister or my daughter I would say the SAME things to you in person that I've said on here. You're a person with feelings and I feel your confusion and your pain in this. I don't think of you as just some anonymous person on the internet. I guess because I've been where you are, I feel what you're feeling even more personally. By the way, just for the record, leaving my ex was the hardest thing I've ever done but the BEST thing I've ever done! I was nearly suicidal when I did, but I eventually got myself together and found the RIGHT man for me. One who never insults me or calls me names. One who never tells me what to wear or that I need to change the way I look. One who NEVER pushes me or shoves me or makes me feel like a fool. A man who loves me just the way I am. A man who couldn't WAIT to introduce me to his friends and family. A man who wanted to do everything and still does, to make me happy. And of course, as you pointed out, no relationship is perfect. My marriage certainly isn't but it sure doesn't include any type of abuse whatsoever. And one day you will finally realize that you ARE in an abusive relationship...just as I did. Weird that everyone saw it but me. Be strong, girl. Don't let those "highs" with him fool you into thinking all is as it should be. NO man should EVER verbally or physically get even remotely abusive. I don't care how seldom it happens and that you're not black and blue at the end of it. If he even shoves or pushes you, it's abusive...it's an assault on your person. It's not love. Love doesn't look like that you know. It's like being a little bit pregnant..you either are or you're not. And you are either in an abusive relationship or not. Sorry, but there's no in between on this. Think long and hard about which it is that you're in. But I've said it from the beginning...you really DO know. Deep down, you do. Now face it and take care of it like a big girl.
nicki Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Touche, your post touched me to the point of tears. Such good words. So true. It's true that abuse can happen a little at a time until one day, you don't even realize what a normal relationship is like. Being a "little bit abusive" is EXACTLY like being a little bit pregnant. ANY abuse is abusive. Period. I wish I had realized that myself. But I was the queen of rationalizing. And then, of course, an abusive guy can be so nice, so caring...for a while... I don't have anything to add, except that the abuse does keep us like "little girls. Touche is right when she says "face it and take care of it like a big girl." There is no magic thing you can do, CG, to make him "nice" all of the time, which of course he should be. Good guys are consistently nice.
Walk Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 I think a lot of people don't want to admit they could be in an abusive relationship because it means the stigma is on them. They are weak, or stupid, or naive. And many times the "abuse" doesn't follow the scripted guidlines they give you at the abuse sights. He may do portions, but not a majority. My bf doesn't call me names, or physically threaten me in any manner, yet I've heard over and over from posters on here that he has abusive tendencies. Or rather, they all flat out say he's abusive. So I can understand that HCG doesn't want to believe this. She may see portions of it, but I'm sure she can "rationalize" most everything, or if she talks to him about it he'll have a great explanation that will make everything seem alright until she thinks about it later and see's all the inconsistancies. Or he'll convince her she's wrong, but later it'll eat away at her. His words no longer making as much sense now as they did then. You can stay in this relationship HotCaliGirl. It won't make you happy in the long run. I'm speaking from experience. I didn't listen. My bf doesn't accept my money... but I'm not allowed to buy him anything unless I get his permission first. He has rules and regulations I have to follow in order to keep the peace. I can call and see my parents whenever I want, which is great. Never met his family except a brother I knew prior to the relationship. He's good to me most of the time, yet sometimes he is the cruelest person on earth. He will drop everything to get me the littlest thing I want. Yet will tell me to my face that if I'm not putting out, then he'll go find someone who will. The overwhelming response from other posters to any of my rants regarding him on here has been that he is abusive and I need to get out. I haven't. I would really like to know I have full control of my life again. Where I don't have to ask permission if I can do something. Only ask how my partner feels because I care what they think, not because I fear retribution. And not physically, I just hate emotional turmoil to the degree he causes. I want to be able to say "this is what I'm doing" and not have someone get upset. I'd like to weigh whatever I want without someone telling me I'm too thin. I want to wear comfy clothing without being told I'm not provocative enough, then hearing a lecture on the importance of sex to him after we've had sex 8 of the past 16 days. And why can't I just be good enough as I am? Who I am.. Without getting into an argument when I voice my thoughts on something he did, and without him shoving his facts about it always being my fault down my throat. It's late... I'm rambling. Please take these posters comments seriously. Don't wait until your fed up and not in love any longer. He'll always do just enough to make you want to stay. You'll always believe that you can rationalize problems with him. And you'll always forgive, because you have a huge heart. But you have to love yourself enough to want the best for you. And this guy isn't giving it. Not to the level you want and deserve. If you need a more "real world" thought on this.. then tying yourself to a man who only half makes you happy is like investing in realestate where you only get half your money back. It's not in your best interest, and it's a poor investment of your time and energy. Spend your life wisely. If this made no sense, I'm sorry... it's been a long day.
Mary3 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 WWIU - Whether in person or not it doesn’t matter to me, whether friend, family or not, I would give the same advice as I have given here. CaliGirl - I don’t know what to say at this point. I don’t want to scare you off, and at the same time, don’t want you to think this relationship is o.k., or more importantly that it will change or get better. On your last post you indicated that this week he is being nice and it makes you forget last week, or the things he has asked you to do. This is a common trait of a manipulative abuser. Lots of highs and lots of lows. But in a real caring, give and take relationship, you will have very few lows - if any. If you have never been in the situation before, no you would not classify it as abuse. He isn’t hitting you, he isn’t calling you names, etc., so no abuse, right? Control IS a form of abuse. Any type of abuse will escalate into more as time goes on. Please consider everything everyone here has said and remember ... we aren’t gaining anything from your decision, only him and more importantly, you. Keep the comments and thoughts in your head and think about them and compare them to his words and actions. Only then will you be able to recognize what all of us here are so ready to jump on. Excellent Advice
Mary3 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Excellent advice Striving! And furthermore, I want to add that I don't think any of us have been harsh. I second the comments made by Striving that if you, CG were my BEST friend or my sister or my daughter I would say the SAME things to you in person that I've said on here. You're a person with feelings and I feel your confusion and your pain in this. I don't think of you as just some anonymous person on the internet. I guess because I've been where you are, I feel what you're feeling even more personally. By the way, just for the record, leaving my ex was the hardest thing I've ever done but the BEST thing I've ever done! I was nearly suicidal when I did, but I eventually got myself together and found the RIGHT man for me. One who never insults me or calls me names. One who never tells me what to wear or that I need to change the way I look. One who NEVER pushes me or shoves me or makes me feel like a fool. A man who loves me just the way I am. A man who couldn't WAIT to introduce me to his friends and family. A man who wanted to do everything and still does, to make me happy. And of course, as you pointed out, no relationship is perfect. My marriage certainly isn't but it sure doesn't include any type of abuse whatsoever. And one day you will finally realize that you ARE in an abusive relationship...just as I did. Weird that everyone saw it but me. Be strong, girl. Don't let those "highs" with him fool you into thinking all is as it should be. NO man should EVER verbally or physically get even remotely abusive. I don't care how seldom it happens and that you're not black and blue at the end of it. If he even shoves or pushes you, it's abusive...it's an assault on your person. It's not love. Love doesn't look like that you know. It's like being a little bit pregnant..you either are or you're not. And you are either in an abusive relationship or not. Sorry, but there's no in between on this. Think long and hard about which it is that you're in. But I've said it from the beginning...you really DO know. Deep down, you do. Now face it and take care of it like a big girl. Beautiful !
RecordProducer Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Honey, you aren't but 20 minutes from me.... I wish I had a way to reach you.... I am a very level headed, sympathetic, encouraging and strong gal. My heart is heavy for you right now.... HCG, I think 2Sunny is just hitting on ya, babe! I read the scoop and my conclusion is that your lover is a piece of sh*t. You should NEVER EVER let anyone raise a hand on you or call you names!!!! Ditch the scum-bag!
Mary3 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 If I have not pestered you enough , : Abuse refers to harmful or injurious treatment of another human being that may include physical, sexual, verbal, psychological/emotional, intellectual, or spiritual maltreatment. Abuse may coexist with neglect which is defined as failure to meet a dependent person's basic physical and medical needs, emotional deprivation, and/or desertion. Neglect is sometimes described as passive abuse. Types of abuse Physical Physical abuse refers to striking or beating another person with the hands or an object, but may include assault with a knife, gun, or other weapon. Physical abuse also includes such behaviors as locking someone in a closet or other small space, depriving someone of sleep, burning, gagging, or tying them up, etc. Or the threat of striking a person Verbal Verbal abuse refers to regular and consistent belittling, name-calling, labeling, or ridicule of a person; but it may also include spoken threats. It is one of the most difficult forms of abuse to prove because it does not leave physical scars or other evidence, but it is nonetheless hurtful. Emotional/psychological Emotional/psychological abuse covers a variety of behaviors that hurt or injure others even though no physical contact may be involved. In fact, emotional abuse is a stronger predictor than physical abuse of the likelihood of suicide attempts in later life. One form of emotional abuse involves the destruction of someone's pet or valued possession in order to cause pain. Another abusive behavior is emotional blackmail, such as threatening to commit suicide unless the other person does what is wanted. Other behaviors in this category include the silent treatment, shaming or humiliating someone in front of others, or punishing them for receiving an award or honor. Intellectual/spiritual Intellectual/spiritual abuse refers to such behaviors as punishing someone for having different intellectual interests or religious beliefs from others in the family, preventing them from attending worship services, ridiculing their opinions, and the like. Domestic violence Domestic violence refers to the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of a spouse or domestic partner. Early research into the problem of wife battering focused on middle-class couples, but it has since been recognized that spouse abuse occurs among wealthy professional couples as well. . It is estimated that four million women in the United States are involved in abusive marriages or relationships; moreover, most female murder victims are killed by their spouse or partner rather than by strangers. Domestic violence illustrates the tendency of abusive people to attack anyone they perceive as vulnerable; most men who batter women also abuse their children; some battered women abuse their children; and abusive humans are frequently cruel to animals. Stalking Stalking, or the repeated pursuit or surveillance of another person by physical or electronic means, is now defined as a crime in all 50 states. Many cases of stalking are extensions of domestic violence, in that the stalker (usually a male) is attempting to track down a wife or girlfriend who left him. However, stalkers may also be casual acquaintances, workplace colleagues, or even total strangers. Stalking may include a number of abusive behaviors, including forced entry to the person's home, destruction of cars or other personal property, anonymous letters to the person's friends or employer, or repeated phone calls, letters, or e-mails. About 80% of stalking cases reported to police involve men stalking women. Causes of abuse The causes of interpersonal abuse are complex and overlapping. Some of the most important factors are: Early learning experiences: This factor is sometimes described as the "life cycle" of abuse. Many abusive parents were themselves abused as children and have learned to see hurtful behavior as normal childrearing. At the other end of the life cycle, some adults who abuse their elderly parent are paying back the parent for abusing them in their early years. Lack of social support or social resources: Caregivers who have the support of an extended family, religious group, or close friends and neighbors are less likely to lose their self-control under stress. Substance abuse: Alcohol and mood-altering drugs do not cause abuse directly, but they weaken or remove a person's inhibitions against violence toward others. In addition, the cost of a drug habit often gives a substance addict another reason for resenting the needs of the dependent person. A majority of workplace bullies are substance addicts. A small percentage of abusive parents or spouses are psychotic Belief systems: Many men still think that they have a "right" to a relationship with a woman; and many people regard parents' rights over children as absolute. The role of bystanders: Research in the social sciences has shown that one factor that encourages abusers to continue their hurtful behavior is discovering that people who know about or suspect the abuse are reluctant to get involved. In most cases, bystanders are afraid of possible physical, social, or legal consequences for reporting abuse. The result, however, is that many abusers come to see themselves as invulnerable. Aftereffects Abuse affects all dimensions of human development and existence. Cognitive and emotional Abused children develop distorted patterns of cognition (knowing) because they are stressed emotionally by abuse. As adults, they may suffer from cognitive distortions that make it hard for them to distinguish between normal occurrences and abnormal ones, or between important matters and relatively trivial ones. They often misinterpret other people's behavior and refuse to trust them. Emotional distortions include such patterns as being unable to handle strong feelings, or being unusually tolerant of behavior from others that most people would protest. Social and educational Treatment Treatment of the aftereffects of abuse must be tailored to the needs of the specific individual, but usually involves a variety of long-term considerations that may include legal concerns, geographical relocation, and housing or employment as well as immediate medical or psychiatric care. Medical and psychiatric In addition to requiring immediate treatment for physical injuries, abused children and adults often need long-term psychotherapy in order to recover from specific mental disorders and to learn new ways of dealing with distorted thoughts and feelings. This approach to therapy is known as cognitive restructuring. Specific mental disorders that have been linked to childhood abuse include major depression, bulimia nervosa, social phobia, Munchausen syndrome by proxy, generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, dissociative amnesia, and dissociative identity disorder. Abused adults may develop post-traumatic stress disorder, major depression, or substance abuse disorders. At present, researchers are focusing on genetic factors as a partial explanation of the fact that some people appear to react more intensely than others to being abused. Adults in abusive situations may encounter a variety of responses from law enforcement or the criminal justice system. In general, cases of spouse abuse, stalking, and sexual abuse by professionals are taken more seriously than they were two or three decades ago. Abuse is a form of long-term torture usually inflicted by one's nearest and dearest. It is a grievous violation of trust and it leads to disorientation, fear, depression, and suicidal ideation. It generates aggression in the abused and this overwhelming and all-pervasive emotion metastasizes and transforms into pathological envy, violence, rage, and hatred. The abused are deformed by the abuser both overtly – many develop mental health disorders and dysfunctional behaviours – and, more perniciously, covertly. The abuser, like some kind of alien life form, invades and colonizes the victim's mind and becomes a permanent presence. Abused and abuser never cease the dialog of hurt, recrimination, and glib denial or rationalization that is an integral part of the act. In a way, psychological abuse – emotional and verbal – is harder to "erase" and "deprogram". Words resonate and reverberate, pain resurfaces, narcissistic wounds keep opening. The victims proceeds to pay with stunted growth and recurrent failure for his own earlier degradation and objectification. Social attitudes don't help. While sexual and physical abuse are slowly coming to the open and being recognized as the scourges that they are – psychological abuse is still largely ignored. It is difficult to draw a line between strict discipline and verbal harassment. Abusers find refuge in the general disdain for the weak and the vulnerable which is the result of suppressed collective guilt. The "good intentions
Adunaphel Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 HotCaliGirl, I just read the whole thread. Mary3, Striving, Touche', RP and the other posters gave you very good advice, trying to make you fully open your eyes on your relationship. Please listen to them, and expecially follow their advice. Run away from this guy as fast as you can. You are settling for someone who controls you, is abusive to you and does not love you, he is just interested in your money and in having a great, caring person acting like a doormat to please him. It is like you badly want to deny yourself the right to be happy, like you are trying to punish yourself for something. You are acting like someone who feels she does not deserve to be loved and respected. There are plenty of men who would be very happy to treat you like a princess. Even being single would be much, much better than beiong with your boyfriend. Please get out of this relationship, the longer you stay with this guy, more you'll get hurt. Please start to love yourself and care about yourself a little more than you are doing now.
Mary3 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 I heard something interesting today from a noted psychologist. He said if we miss something important in childhood we go into adulthood looking for it . If we were neglected or treated as if we were invisible , we grow up looking for someone to validate us. I am not sure what OP's childhood was like but if she felt like she was not treated as if she were amazing and special, then now she seeks it through adults. Amazingly we pick our partners similar to our parents,. The good and the bad traits that were present in them are present in our partners. Thats a tough one to swallow.
Guest Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 He buys you "little" things every once and a while. Big deal - that's just his game. As a man, and please excuse me for the sexist reference, I would not have the nerve to ask my girlfriend (or a woman I had any respect for) to buy me anything of any value. That to me displays 2 things. One, he is taking you for granted and two, he has little self-respect for himself. In either case, a woman of your obvious intelligence and skill should be worthy of someone of more substance. I guarantee this wont be his last request. And I dont like the near-naked women on his screensaver. How juvenile!
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