Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 To be honest reading that last post from Caligirl has spun me out! How can someone write those things and admit they have to ask permission to stop eating and to get their own hair coloured and still be with that person? Most people in abusive relationships are in complete denial of it! I was in a verbally abusive relationship for many years but I denied it to myself - When I admitted it I got out! To admit it means you have to do something about it! Get out HCG! This is spot on especially if she has been with him many years. What happens during the abuse is that we just become numb to it. Finally with ALOT of help and we get out , we end up doing what I did : Making up for the lost years ! And that is exactly what I have done. I have lived life, traveled, dated alot , and done alot of new and interesting things. Because life is passing her by and when she wakes up , she is going to make up for LOST TIME ! I know I have Its been 9 years of living the life I always wanted. I hope she gets her wakening moment and realizes that the stifling unhealthy relationship is WASTING precious moments of living her life. She is financially stable and can make it on her own. I hope she takes what she has left and starts a NEW life full of hopes and yes LOVE , someday finding someone who loves her completely and in a healthy way. But before she can do that she has to get healthy emotionally and that takes years of WORK to work on yourself to become a free person who enjoys her life and does what she wants to do. If thats changing her own hair color to traveling or whatever else she is being deprived ....
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm beginning to wonder if you are close enough for me to slap you silly? Do not give in to ANY of his demands! You are your own person. He has no right telling you what or how to do things! RUN, as fast and as far away from him as you can. There are other nice men in the world. You do not need this! If you are in southern cal, I may be close enough to meet up with you.
jerbear Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 But before she can do that she has to get healthy emotionally and that takes years of WORK to work on yourself to become a free person who enjoys her life and does what she wants to do. If thats changing her own hair color to traveling or whatever else she is being deprived .... Sometimes it takes one person like a good friend to intervene and say something. Her confidante highly perferable if the same gender. One of my friends got a divorce because I (guy) said something to her. Another one of her friends said something. What makes it harder was she had a kid with him. Don't fall and dig a hole to deep. The emotionaly attachment you have is an unhealthy addition in this case. It could be the high you get, the sex you get, but with him, it is just unhealthy.
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm beginning to wonder if you are close enough for me to slap you silly? Do not give in to ANY of his demands! You are your own person. He has no right telling you what or how to do things! RUN, as fast and as far away from him as you can. There are other nice men in the world. You do not need this! If you are in southern cal, I may be close enough to meet up with you. Since she is in a state of confusion she does not * know * who she is at this point and needs HELP. She cannot be strong and do what she needs to do because she is under his control 100% of the time and to take BACK control of her life she needs to leave. This type of abuse makes us weak and confused and the abuser knows this. She may know there are other nice men in the world but she is dealing with this one right now and its all she knows. Hence getting away is the only solution to think clearly.
Touche Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I hate to say this but I think it's going to have to escalate before she wakes up and leaves him. And as we all know, it WILL escalate. The fact that he's asking her to change her physical appearance and she's going along with it, tells me that his control will have to be stepped up a notch before she sees it for what it is...abusive and controlling behavior. I just pray that it doesn't have to be stepped up to the point of physical abuse before she is truly aware of what's going on here.
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I hate to say this but I think it's going to have to escalate before she wakes up and leaves him. And as we all know' date=' it WILL escalate. The fact that he's asking her to change her physical appearance and she's going along with it, tells me that his control will have to be stepped up a notch before she sees it for what it is...abusive and controlling behavior. I just pray that it doesn't have to be stepped up to the point of physical abuse before she is truly aware of what's going on here.[/quote'] The likelyhood of this turning physical is as sure as the sun coming up tomorrow. He has found his victim. He will not let go of his money train. What an ideal situation for this user/abuser. Send her to the store next for condoms because he will likely be using them on others. Just trying to shock her into opening her eyes. MOST women would not tolerate this. He found one that will and he is depleting her of money faster than the LA freeway at 2 am in the morning. I am sure he would LOVE to deny her access to this page. Which leaves me wondering ,....where are her friends ????? If any left. I am sure he keeps her isolated because any women with some sound mind will reach out to someone ( glad for now its LS ) and tell someone. I did that and it felt very uplifting !. Then I told somone else and it was the BEGINNING of me getting out of that life and into the life I live NOW.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Hi, Mary - I completely understood your comment, I just didn't want CaliGirl to misread it and think that since she isn't living with him, then your post wouldn't apply, which it does. Unfortunately, as those of use who have been through it know, no matter what we say, no matter how many people tell her, she is going to have to go through this herself until SHE makes the decision to end it. We can all be there to support her through it, heck half of us probably want to be in California to support her through it (and kick his butt ), but until she makes the decision, nothing we do, or say will sway her. Yes, it is sick. Yes, we all can see so clearly what she should do. All we can do though, is support her when she comes on here asking for advise and continue to give that advise, even if she doesn't take it immediately.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Oh wow, this is just beyond sad that anyone would have this much low self esteem to allow someone to do this to them..........
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Hi, Mary - I completely understood your comment, I just didn't want CaliGirl to misread it and think that since she isn't living with him, then your post wouldn't apply, which it does. Unfortunately, as those of use who have been through it know, no matter what we say, no matter how many people tell her, she is going to have to go through this herself until SHE makes the decision to end it. We can all be there to support her through it, heck half of us probably want to be in California to support her through it (and kick his butt ), but until she makes the decision, nothing we do, or say will sway her. Yes, it is sick. Yes, we all can see so clearly what she should do. All we can do though, is support her when she comes on here asking for advise and continue to give that advise, even if she doesn't take it immediately. Yes , its like being on *watch*. I compare it to watching an Asteroid travel through space nearing the earth, wondering if it will strike or pass the earth by entirely. There is nothing more we can do. Except offer an 800 number that she can talk to someone who is a trained professional who can help her to understand what she is going through and help her decide to leave.
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I wish Hotcaligirl would post again, I am beginning to get a bit worried for her.....
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I wish Hotcaligirl would post again, I am beginning to get a bit worried for her..... It was almost as if she was resolved to live with this life ... Then we received another post. I HOPE she remembers what we said about him asking her for this and that, paying for everything and the next time he whines that he wants something , she can think of us and what we said about the ATM machine that she has become...
Art_Critic Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I wish Hotcaligirl would post again, I am beginning to get a bit worried for her..... She was posting a couple of hours ago.. You guys have been pretty hard on her... I agree that he is abusive and he exhibits behavior of someone who is abusive hence the post of the abusive wheel. that was meant for her to see and for her to see if he fits. But from what I have seen you guys have judged her BF.. Somebody she is in a relationship with pretty harsh.. I even saw one reference to her ex being eaten by red ants.. WTF ?? I can under stand being harsh..but it seems to have snowballed into this session of beating on her..
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 AC - I think those of us who have judged her bf are doing so from a shared perspective ... we’ve been there and done that. You are right though, she is past listening to us on this post. The only thing we can do is wait and see if she wants to talk about this particular issue more ... if she does, great we will be there. Or, I’m sure that she can PM any one of us that has mentioned we’ve gone through it and keep it private.
Lishy Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I agree that the severity of the replies she has received has been harsh and hard hitting and I dont think she is up for it right now! The truth is that the ones who have been that harsh have been there and it brings back terrible memories for me and for others so even though it IS harsh, we are just scared for her and her self esteem and self worth! Maybe she will be strong enough one day to look and listen to our words and act on them! Maybe then she will know how true happiness feels!
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I think people forget that coming here for advice and support is supposed to be a good thing, not meant to ream her out. Would any of you BE this harsh and forward to any of your friends? Or is it because it's "online" it's easier to give out advice and forget is she's a real person with real feelings...It's NOT just words on a screen... I agree, I don't think she's up for a flaming. It's not fair at all.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I'm right here...nothing to worry about. I'm in a slight state of shock because I have never looked at the relationship as any form of abuse, so my jaw keeps dropping the more I read. And yes there is A LITTLE bit of verbal and physical abuse, but I figure no relationship is perfect. Like someone else mentioned, he can be very nice so it's like it makes up for anything bad and eventually after feeling hurt and confused, everything seems normal. I can't imagine calling him an abuser. Like last week I was upset but now he is being very nice, even though he did request some things I don't want to say because you guys will think I'm crazy. I just don't know, I am thinking about it all...and appreciating your insightful comments that hit home.....thnx. Hugs to u too 2sunny.
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I really am wondering what part of cali you are located in? Me - so OC
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 i don't want to give out too much info but i'm in Laguna...
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I love Laguna I was there last year. I would LOVE to live there.... I just wanted to wish you the best in any decision you make and that I do care although I was harsh. Very harsh, I know . But its the *signs* so far. that lead me to feel something isn't right here ...but you will do what is right for you. I would give my right arm to know a list of all the things he has asked for since you have known him. ( None of my business but highly curious ) But since that is not something you would want to post here given how protective we are of you , unless if you wanted to , just curious . I also wonder what he has *done* for you ? Emotionally, Spiritually , Generosity ? I just have one last question : What does he bring to the relationship for you ? I want to quit bothering you unless you want more tough love
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 i don't want to give out too much info but i'm in Laguna... Honey, you aren't but 20 minutes from me.... I wish I had a way to reach you.... I am a very level headed, sympathetic, encouraging and strong gal. My heart is heavy for you right now....
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 WWIU - Whether in person or not it doesn’t matter to me, whether friend, family or not, I would give the same advice as I have given here. CaliGirl - I don’t know what to say at this point. I don’t want to scare you off, and at the same time, don’t want you to think this relationship is o.k., or more importantly that it will change or get better. On your last post you indicated that this week he is being nice and it makes you forget last week, or the things he has asked you to do. This is a common trait of a manipulative abuser. Lots of highs and lots of lows. But in a real caring, give and take relationship, you will have very few lows - if any. If you have never been in the situation before, no you would not classify it as abuse. He isn’t hitting you, he isn’t calling you names, etc., so no abuse, right? Control IS a form of abuse. Any type of abuse will escalate into more as time goes on. Please consider everything everyone here has said and remember ... we aren’t gaining anything from your decision, only him and more importantly, you. Keep the comments and thoughts in your head and think about them and compare them to his words and actions. Only then will you be able to recognize what all of us here are so ready to jump on.
Touche Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm right here...nothing to worry about. I'm in a slight state of shock because I have never looked at the relationship as any form of abuse, so my jaw keeps dropping the more I read. And yes there is A LITTLE bit of verbal and physical abuse, but I figure no relationship is perfect. Like someone else mentioned, he can be very nice so it's like it makes up for anything bad and eventually after feeling hurt and confused, everything seems normal. I can't imagine calling him an abuser. Like last week I was upset but now he is being very nice, even though he did request some things I don't want to say because you guys will think I'm crazy. I just don't know, I am thinking about it all...and appreciating your insightful comments that hit home.....thnx. Hugs to u too 2sunny. There is a "little bit" of verbal AND physical abuse??????? Jeezzz...You're right that no relationship is perfect but that means things like my SO is neat and I'm not or he wants to go to the beach and I want to go to the mountains on vacation...NOT he pushes me or calls me names sometimes. God, you sound just like I did in my doormate days (in case you haven't heard, I'm a goddess now.) This is SO bad and you don't see it. He's a bully and bullies only get worse. I'm afraid that the very fact that you're leaving out things that he's asked of you is also very telling. YES, you ARE in an abusive relationship. Most people who are don't see it as that, or they'd more than likely leave now wouldn't they? Most say what you say and what I used to say...oh, he's good most of the time, oh it's SO good when things are right...Wow, this is so CLASSIC. I can tell you chapter and verse how this is going to go. And I can just imagine what he's asking you to do that you're not telling us. You don't deserve this s***. You really don't but I know i'm wasting my time. I didn't listen either and now I can never get back those wasted years. What a shame.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 And yes there is A LITTLE bit of verbal and physical abuse, but I figure no relationship is perfect. I must apologize ... I did not read that part of your post. I didn't know that there was ALREADY some physical abuse. It always starts out as a little bit. Each time it is a little bit more. Because it developes into more each time, and the process IS slow, you never see it coming. And, each time it happens you end up developing a sense of well ... I don't know how to say it, complacency that it wasn't worse. And that if you only did what he asked, which really was a very simple request, then it wouldn't have happened in the first place. You are still here, reading these posts, so it does mean that you are absorbing this information. I will say this to you now, just as I would say it in person, stop all contact with him immediately. I think you are in a business where everyone has your numbers ... so, not something you can change easily. However, you can block his number, email, etc. He only has control over you if you maintain contact. You do have the choice at this point in time to not have contact with him. Give in to any of his requests, allow him to move into one of your properties ... it will make it that much harder for you to get away. No, it won’t be easy. Yes, you will hurt and miss him. You did it for almost six months, you can do it again and forever. No, you weren’t happy during that time ... you allowed yourself to think about him and miss him. You will have to keep busier and, find someone that will take your mind off him. Join a dating service and date. Date lots of guys. Have some fun.
lindya Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm right here...nothing to worry about. I'm in a slight state of shock because I have never looked at the relationship as any form of abuse, so my jaw keeps dropping the more I read. In a state of shock, confusion and hurt, it's difficult to make major decisions about relationships - and I think most people would kick out against the idea of having stigma-laden words applied to their own situations. Nobody can dictate to you whether or not you should end this relationship, but it's clear that there are recurring problems in it that keep coming up to bite you. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change your bf's behaviour towards you, because it's 100% his responsibility to do that. What you can start to do is find ways of letting him know what aspects of that behaviour make you happy, and which bits leave you wondering whether the relationship can work in the long term. Once you've given him that message, it's up to him to decide whether he's going to act on it and make the changes you'd like him to make....but if you continue simply compensating for the deficiencies in his behaviour by being endlessly sweet, tolerant and generous, I think you might find yourself in a bit of a mess. We all have our limits, and it's best to try to figure out what they are beforehand rather than discover them through being pushed past them. I really think you'd benefit from talking about this in a safe, private environment with someone who's skilled and objective enough to help you unravel some of the distressing and confusing thoughts and feelings that keep coming back to haunt you in this relationship. I really hope you'll think about arranging a few counselling sessions with that aim.
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