tikigods Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 okay HUGE RED FLAG OF DOOM He doesn't want you taking calls from your family when you are with him?!?! Run away girl RUN RIGHT NOW!
blind_otter Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 okay HUGE RED FLAG OF DOOM He doesn't want you taking calls from your family when you are with him?!?! Run away girl RUN RIGHT NOW! Oh I didn't see that part. That's the red flag of tendencies towards abuse. I had that drilled into my head after a few abusive relationships. Did it stop me from getting into subsequent abusive relationships? No. But I got out of those a lot quicker. Radar's all f***ed up, I guess.
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I am going with everybody else on the family thing. That is weird and he has issues obviously from his past and things about his family too. He has control issues in general, that is obvious...If you let him control WHO to talk to and when, it will only get worse and worse in the future. Does this guy make you feel good and happy, ever?? I mean, relationships are not supposed to be that hard. Don't think with your heart. Think with your head and listen to your gut instincts here. Please, take that time for yourself to figure things out.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 okay HUGE RED FLAG OF DOOM He doesn't want you taking calls from your family when you are with him?!?! Run away girl RUN RIGHT NOW! DITTO!!! This relationship (such as you call it) bears no more thought on your part. Really, it doesn't. Don't allow it to confuse you a minute longer. You know it is wrong. You know HE is wrong. Stop letting him control you. BTW - there is a good book you may want to try reading ... Co-Dependent No More. I read it about 10 times before it sunk in on what I had to do in a previous relationship. Trust me, trust all the other posters, he is controlling now and it will only get worse. It will never get better. Why trust us over him when you don't know us from Adam? We have nothing to gain, he does.
TeaCooler Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 geez I am so stupid in this relationship but honestly that's not how I am with anyone else or in other areas of my life, aside from being generous but I don't get taken advantage of or put up with cra* so this is really messing with my life... yes, you are being stupid to put up with this, but sometimes that's what love does. and stupid is a harsh word, so maybe....silly? you say you're not like this in your other relationships--now you just have to rid yourself of the one in which you are being like this. ti doesn't matter what your other relationships are like as long as you have this one, the one that should one of the most important. there is no love coming from his side. that skiing story is absolute crap. i wish you could read your words the way we are reading them. it's heart-breaking...and kind of embarassing, i would think.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 I won't drag this out since it is making me look horrible and I know you will all repeat what you are saying, in the end I doubt I will leave him unfortunately. I think it is too hard for me to do. One last thing is that he has been bugging me about my hair, so on Friday I am scheduled to color it from blonde to all dark. I asked if I could at least have highlights, and he said maybe one streak but only if it's in the back@ Oh and I wasn't able to eat much last week because of this whole issue troubling me, so I naturally shed a few pounds. He was pretty upset, ordered food and said I HAD to finish it, I ate til I was stuffed and almost had to beg him to let me stop eating and promised I wasn't dieting...he said I have to gain at least 5 pounds and weighed me. Before he used to say 10 so I guess it's a start for the better... Anyways, I could go on forever. I think I'll check out the book mentioned, Co-Dependent No More. It might open my eyes or help me in some way. He just called and we were on the phone for like half an hour, talking about things and stuff like that makes me feel like everything is ok and I would miss that if I wasn't with him...but i guess it's my fault for allowing this type of relationship, but it's strange how after the "bad' feelings go away, everything seems normal, except when I write about it, it seems fu**ed up.
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 in the end I doubt I will leave him unfortunately. I think it is too hard for me to do. I feel sad for you. This is your life and it's only going to get worse. I hope someday you gather the strength to talk to your family and friends, and let them get you out of this relationship. Until then, stay safe.
tikigods Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I hope one day you wake up and smell the coffee. Hopefully before you lose everything you have
Lishy Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Hot ....... Re-read your last post and answer it as if it was someone else posting! Damn girl open your eyes! Please! You begged him to LET you stop eating!
Guest Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I asked if I could at least have highlights, and he said maybe one streak but only if it's in the back. He was pretty upset, ordered food and said I HAD to finish it, I ate til I was stuffed and almost had to beg him to let me stop eating and promised I wasn't dieting... Hmmmm. I would suggest maybe taking some of your money and using it for 1. assertiveness training 2. a restraining order, because it's more than obvious your boyfriend's abusive. Since when did you have to have permission to do what you want with your own hair? Or how much food you can or can't eat? For the love of Gawd. Get out of this now before the abuse progresses. I beg of you.
mental_traveller Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I won't drag this out since it is making me look horrible and I know you will all repeat what you are saying, in the end I doubt I will leave him unfortunately. I think it is too hard for me to do. One last thing is that he has been bugging me about my hair, so on Friday I am scheduled to color it from blonde to all dark. I asked if I could at least have highlights, and he said maybe one streak but only if it's in the back@ Oh and I wasn't able to eat much last week because of this whole issue troubling me, so I naturally shed a few pounds. He was pretty upset, ordered food and said I HAD to finish it, I ate til I was stuffed and almost had to beg him to let me stop eating and promised I wasn't dieting...he said I have to gain at least 5 pounds and weighed me. Before he used to say 10 so I guess it's a start for the better... Anyways, I could go on forever. I think I'll check out the book mentioned, Co-Dependent No More. It might open my eyes or help me in some way. He just called and we were on the phone for like half an hour, talking about things and stuff like that makes me feel like everything is ok and I would miss that if I wasn't with him...but i guess it's my fault for allowing this type of relationship, but it's strange how after the "bad' feelings go away, everything seems normal, except when I write about it, it seems fu**ed up. Lol. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and starts quacking at you - chances are it's a duck. But it seems like you wanna be with a duck. Oh well, it's your life. This thread should be retitled "I know my boyfriend is using me, but I want to stay with him. Can you feel sorry for me please?"
TeaCooler Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Lol. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and starts quacking at you - chances are it's a duck. But it seems like you wanna be with a duck. Oh well, it's your life. This thread should be retitled "I know my boyfriend is using me, but I want to stay with him. Can you feel sorry for me please?" yeah. questionable validity, i though actually.
Art_Critic Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 yeah. questionable validity, i though actually. I'm not so sure that is isn't an abusive type.. he is exhibiting certain signs that they have.. like finaical control and controling the family and friends. She needs help understanding that he is bad for her... http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/3059/wheel.html Here is a DV wheel I see him using 3 of the pies in this wheel
jerbear Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Having aspirations is great, but you can't be with someone in the hopes that they will attain their goals. If they fail, you may blame them or become bitter. If they suceed you may find yourself unsatisfied with a result that you had placed a lot of emotional value on. I guess that is part of caring and love in different aspects. If you are committed, their goals and their futures include you. If you know they are wannabe's it is one thing. Now if they are putting the ground work in place, getting connections, and a feasible plan together. Their actions, steps, dreams, aspirations can give an idea of who they are and who they will become. If one does not like the potential future results then they are not for you. I think the best way is to love a person as they are, and to continue to love them as they change, which is hopefully for the better. I can deal with this compromise.
aleatoryd Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I wish you good luck. Obviously your emotions are controlling you here. I hope your boyfriend improves because it sounds like he is trying to change you into what he wants. I think you are too submissive so please read the book about co-dependency. Don't allow any of the posts here to upset you - the reaction from us is that we see you as a kind, generous, caring girl who has made a decision that most of us find wrong but we wish you all the best. It is your life and I hope you learn to live it.
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Cali Girl I know you are overwhelmed right now with all our posts. Our intention now is to Save your Life. Cali I was a former abuse victim. You are being abused. You are being emotionally denied the very things you need. If you are bad and don't give money then you are punished with emotional neglect. You can't talk to your family when he is around. He does not want you to meet his family. This is CONTROL. This is so he has YOU just where he wants you and I promise you , the dreaded *zombie state* is next where you can't think WHAT is right or wrong anymore. ( You sound like you are headed there now ) Abusers manipulate and isolate. Period. I know you cannot get help yourself. I was there once. You need an OUTSIDE source and your boyfriend has cut them all off. He does not want you talking to your family. Do you have ANYONE you can call for help ? You need a STRONG person to come over there and remove you from the house. I know you are frozen . I know you don't want to face the inevitable. But no-one here can come and get you out of there and away from his mind control. We can't reach through the screen and SAVE you. He is going to deplete you in your bank account. In your heart. In your soul. In your self worth. He is DOING ALL These things now. And you are the only one that can NOT allow him to do this and I know you need someone with a show of force to help you. Do you have any friends ? Anyone ? A womans battered shelter that you can call for advice ? I know you think all is going to be fine if you don't face it. It is GOING to get WORSE. Why do you think you can love someone like this ? It is not love. It is dependancy. He has you so brain washed . You deserve better. Please do not become so apathetic ( as you are now ) that you allow him to rape your finances , steal all your self worth and trollop out the door with your entire LIFE and future in his hands. He needs to be tied up and fed to red fire ants ! He needs to get the He** away from you so you can receive HELP. If your life is so wonderful you must ask why you post here ? Please help yourself. Find someone ANYONE that can remove you from the house. This is not different than if he were hitting you right now and I would try to help you the same. That likely will come later after he has beaten you down mentally.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Mary3 - Just to clarify something for you - she isn't living with him. This is a relationship that has been on/off for four years. However, that doesn't make this situation any less important. He is still a manipulative and controlling man looking to get HIS way at all costs. CaliGirl. I have been where you are at. Lots of us have. It does take time to get out of it and even then you don't immediately see how bad it really was. Just think of how much harder it will get if this relationship continues. I know that until you are ready, you and only you, will this relationship end. You are the only one in control of that; however, as mentioned in another post you are already in the middle of it thinking that hey, this is o.k., he doesn't treat me that bad most of the time, and when he does it is b/c I didn't do something that I should have done that would have made him happy. I knew if I did do it the way he wanted me to, the way he told me to, that then he would be happy. I understand that all these posts from us are making you doubt yourself even more and you want to run away from it. These posts, b/c you also love your bf, make you defensive about him. You may not be writing it, but I'm sure you are thinking it just as stated above ... you defend him in your mind by saying it is all your fault. You are trying to change who you are to fit his mold. Know this. That mold of his still will not make him happy. It will be a never-ending struggle of you trying to do anything and everything he wants to make him happy. But he will never be satisfied. There are so many things here that are wrong. But, you are the one that has to accept that they are wrong. Get the book I mentioned. Read it and read it again and again until you start to SEE the signs for yourself. Do me another favor. Please. Go to the beginning of this post and imagine I wrote the post. Take yourself entirely away from it. My name is Jane ... my bf's name is Steve. Read my thoughts for me and the way things have been going with my bf. I love him and I want to be with him. Please tell me this is o.k. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 10 years. Abuse does not have to be phsyical to be there, but as time rolls on it will more than likely turn phsyical. Leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Within two years, I knew it was the best thing I had ever done. If you want to PM me, feel free.
blind_otter Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Cali Girl I know you are overwhelmed right now with all our posts. Our intention now is to Save your Life. Cali I was a former abuse victim. You are being abused. You are being emotionally denied the very things you need. If you are bad and don't give money then you are punished with emotional neglect. You can't talk to your family when he is around. He does not want you to meet his family. This is CONTROL. This is so he has YOU just where he wants you and I promise you , the dreaded *zombie state* is next where you can't think WHAT is right or wrong anymore. ( You sound like you are headed there now ) Abusers manipulate and isolate. Period. I know you cannot get help yourself. I was there once. You need an OUTSIDE source and your boyfriend has cut them all off. He does not want you talking to your family. Do you have ANYONE you can call for help ? You need a STRONG person to come over there and remove you from the house. I know you are frozen . I know you don't want to face the inevitable. But no-one here can come and get you out of there and away from his mind control. We can't reach through the screen and SAVE you. He is going to deplete you in your bank account. In your heart. In your soul. In your self worth. He is DOING ALL These things now. And you are the only one that can NOT allow him to do this and I know you need someone with a show of force to help you. Do you have any friends ? Anyone ? A womans battered shelter that you can call for advice ? I know you think all is going to be fine if you don't face it. It is GOING to get WORSE. Why do you think you can love someone like this ? It is not love. It is dependancy. He has you so brain washed . You deserve better. Please do not become so apathetic ( as you are now ) that you allow him to rape your finances , steal all your self worth and trollop out the door with your entire LIFE and future in his hands. He needs to be tied up and fed to red fire ants ! He needs to get the He** away from you so you can receive HELP. If your life is so wonderful you must ask why you post here ? Please help yourself. Find someone ANYONE that can remove you from the house. This is not different than if he were hitting you right now and I would try to help you the same. That likely will come later after he has beaten you down mentally. Mary and I are both abuser survivors. I see the dance, she's doing the dance inside her head. I spent years doing this until it wore me down to the point of collapse. I can still out think myself with the best of them. but I know that CG is dead on when she says she probably won't leave him. It's a form of addiction, just like the drugs I used to do, and the coffee I drink every morning....something that you rationalize in your head until the consequences become so severe that you can't do it any more. Unfortunately for some that realization comes after they have lost their youth, beauty, and spirit. And once you spend long enough laboring under that yoke, part of you will always be broken.
jerbear Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Unfortunately for some that realization comes after they have lost their youth, beauty, and spirit. And once you spend long enough laboring under that yoke, part of you will always be broken. As a guy that have not knowingly chased broken women, I know. I walked away from one and KNEW she is in CG's case right now. She ditched me and wanted to go see that guy; so I walked away. 5+ years kaput. I was the "only" guy of a different race and younger to chase her. Oh well... 40, afraid of being lonely, dying alone, unwanted... Sound familiar CG? CG there are guys out there that would love you and not ask for monetary items.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 JerBear - I think at this point, a guy asking for monetary items is the least of her problems. You can have a great guy (or woman for that matter) that gets "spoiled" by someone that buys them things, but still appreciates it, doesn't expect it AND treats the other person with the same respect and admiration that they deserve. This isn't the case here and never will be. A leopard doesn't change its spots. I like your analogy of being 40 and the fear of not finding someone ... there is someone out there for everyone. You only have to be patient to find it instead of taking whatever crumbs that are provided to you to keep you happy and in a relationship that isn't for you. But, again, that is not what is going through her head at this point. For any person in a more normal relationship, that is what would be going through their head. I know it is hard for someone to understand that has not been through an abusive relationship, but that doesn't even cycle into her thoughts and probably never will.
jerbear Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 But, again, that is not what is going through her head at this point. For any person in a more normal relationship, that is what would be going through their head. I know it is hard for someone to understand that has not been through an abusive relationship, but that doesn't even cycle into her thoughts and probably never will. Guess she will have to be dragged thru the mud before she lifts her head up. That is one reason why I walked away from the 40 yr old woman. Let HER go thru the abuse while I walk away and get my house in order. I'm not her dad but sometimes feel like it. Last five years, I was the freakin hollerback boy. Not proud of it but know her now. Live and learn & carpe diem.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Sometimes even being dragged through the mud doesn’t make the person see that they don’t deserve it. It is a definite struggle to get out and is in no way easy. I’m sorry that while you were there to help support your friend, she wasn’t ready to accept that help. Sorry for both of you. And, for whatever consolation this gives you she did need whatever it was that you gave her, probably still does. But, even though the door is there and she can see it, she really doesn’t think she can to go through it for whatever reason. I had an affair that lasted two years in my previous marriage. Two friggin years! He was my rock and kept me stable, but I was too afraid to leave. Now, I can’t believe how blind and stupid I was. To this day, I still think of him and wonder how he is and hope that he is as happy as I am now. Let me clarify ... I don’t think about him wishing that I was with him, that boat has passed me by, so that I could be with my husband that I love dearly. My current H came into my life at a time when I WAS ready to go through that door. I did leave and I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years now. All things happen in life for a reason. And, for a time you did help her, she just wasn’t yet ready to take your hand. Please don’t let that sour the person who you are ... who knows, you might yet find that women who is in need of your hand to walk through that door and she will be ready.
Lishy Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 To be honest reading that last post from Caligirl has spun me out! How can someone write those things and admit they have to ask permission to stop eating and to get their own hair coloured and still be with that person? Most people in abusive relationships are in complete denial of it! I was in a verbally abusive relationship for many years but I denied it to myself - When I admitted it I got out! To admit it means you have to do something about it! Get out HCG!
Touche Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 This is the saddest thing. A sweet girl like you wasting yourself on someone like this. I too stayed with someone like this for NINE years! It was a disaster. And whoever said it turns physically abusive is right. It does...almost always. But mostly you'll get the verbal abuse. Has he started calling you names yet? Well, he will. Many of us on here can tell you exactly how this is going to go. s***, I wish I would have listened to others and not wasted nine years of my life..but I had no self-esteem and told myself that it was MOSTLY good. And when it was good it was spectacular! Not worth it though. He'll continue to break you down and take more and more control. This guy is the lowest of the low. But no one would suspect it. I bet anyone who meets him thinks he's the greatest. PLEASE don't be someone's personal doormat for as long as I was. PLEASE! It's one of my biggest regrets in my life. One of the very few things in my life I would go back and change if I could. Does he go nuts when you question him? Does he make you feel like you're SO lucky to be with him (and not the other way around?) Change your hair and you're toast...he will know that he has you right where he wants you and things WILL get worse...no question about it. Someone said that he'll never be satisfied with you and they're dead on. I know this type. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't accept you for who you are? Who wants that? All your instincts, AND your family are trying to tell you to get rid of this loser. Please don't stay with him because the next thing is that you're going to have a fight and he'll push you or shove you. But you'll tell us that he's never done that before and it wasn't really anything. I can see the writing on the wall with this and it's very ugly. Please listen to people here. Some of us have gone through the exact type of relationship. And it never, ever ends well. Save yourself for someone kind who loves you for YOU and not for what you can do for them. Be strong. You have more strength than you think you do. Just dig down deep and gather it up and do the right thing. We're here for you to help get you through it. You know what you have to do.
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Mary3 - Just to clarify something for you - she isn't living with him. This is a relationship that has been on/off for four years. However, that doesn't make this situation any less important. He is still a manipulative and controlling man looking to get HIS way at all costs. CaliGirl. I have been where you are at. Lots of us have. It does take time to get out of it and even then you don't immediately see how bad it really was. Just think of how much harder it will get if this relationship continues. I know that until you are ready, you and only you, will this relationship end. You are the only one in control of that; however, as mentioned in another post you are already in the middle of it thinking that hey, this is o.k., he doesn't treat me that bad most of the time, and when he does it is b/c I didn't do something that I should have done that would have made him happy. I knew if I did do it the way he wanted me to, the way he told me to, that then he would be happy. I understand that all these posts from us are making you doubt yourself even more and you want to run away from it. These posts, b/c you also love your bf, make you defensive about him. You may not be writing it, but I'm sure you are thinking it just as stated above ... you defend him in your mind by saying it is all your fault. You are trying to change who you are to fit his mold. Know this. That mold of his still will not make him happy. It will be a never-ending struggle of you trying to do anything and everything he wants to make him happy. But he will never be satisfied. There are so many things here that are wrong. But, you are the one that has to accept that they are wrong. Get the book I mentioned. Read it and read it again and again until you start to SEE the signs for yourself. Do me another favor. Please. Go to the beginning of this post and imagine I wrote the post. Take yourself entirely away from it. My name is Jane ... my bf's name is Steve. Read my thoughts for me and the way things have been going with my bf. I love him and I want to be with him. Please tell me this is o.k. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 10 years. Abuse does not have to be phsyical to be there, but as time rolls on it will more than likely turn phsyical. Leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Within two years, I knew it was the best thing I had ever done. If you want to PM me, feel free. My intention was more to get her out of her * situation * whether they live together or not.
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