Is my bf using me???

[Mary3]

^^^^ Lol! Appart from all the other obvious signs that he's using you - and lindya has a good point. I have used auction sites such as e-bay and trust me fixing bids is a common tactic - you use fake accounts or accomplices to bid a genuine buyer up and either 1) let them win at a high amount 2) pull out and let them buy as 2nd highest bidder 3) if your reserve wasn't met at least you've won it yourself ands can resell it again. IMHO there is something very suspect about this whole auction thing - what if it was just to get money?

 

Also maybe I'm wrong but how many people would compete so much for a high end camera when there will always be another on sale lower or even at an online shop. Unless the items rare (hard to source), a bargain (clearly not at the price you've mentioned), or special (e.g. signed memorabilia) then there's seems little advantage to buy from auctions. What if he bought it himself and decided that he couldn't afford it but you could - another way to extort money.

 

For christmas I get socks, maybe a random CD/book and other miscellaneous items. I'm (supposedly!) a man - everything I want I either buy or save up for myself. It's not I don't respect women... it's completely unwomen related I wouldn't ask anyone for a specific gift. I like to be independent and if I can't afford what I want well that's life I get on with it and I certainly try my best to more than repay any gifts I get with like items.

 

You know I honestly don't know much about on-line bidding. A friend of mine had me to join a jewelry site and I signed up . It was live bidding. I decided I would only pay 10% and would stop. The item was valued at $ 400.00 so when bidding hit $ 40 I backed off. It continued on and somone got the necklace for $ 50. Thats about all I know regarding on-line bidding. I don't even use E***.

 

I thought it was interesting what you said and how you are alarmed by the possible scamming that her bf could be doing.

 

Why couldn't he just go to Walmart and buy a great camera for under $ 200 ? I think you are onto something here.

 

Most guys will tell you " I got socks for xmas " and they seem fine with it , lol !

 

So the fact that this guy has used the instrument of on line auctions with a possible fake buyer bidding against him sounds pretty suspicious.

 

I hope OP is opening her eyes,. I ALWAYS get suspicious with someone you just met ( or in your case who came back to you after a breakup ) and MONEY is involved. We have another poster here was scammed and its very sad.

 

I hope OP will listen and just tell him NO to everything without the fear of losing him. I mean , what are you really losing ?? Someone who is sucking you dry all the time...

[Art_Critic]

Why couldn't he just go to Walmart and buy a great camera for under $ 200 ? I think you are onto something here.

 

$200 doesn't buy you a professional digital camera.. a good profeesional digital camera is about 3-5k.. I have the best digital camera at work that I use and it is 40k.

If he shoots professionally then he should be able to afford his own camera.. or lease one..

[StrivingtoSucceed]

on the one hand he's the perfect partner,

 

He's not a perfect partner in any respect! The small things he does for you ANYONE that has an ounce of caring for you would do. However, a perfect partner goes far and above what someone that has an ounce of caring would do. I'm sure he does care for you in his own way ... but only enough that as long as you continue to buy him things will last. Stop buying/paying for ANYTHING and I'm sure he will disappear once again.

 

The things you talk about are everyday present tense stuff. Where is the deep emotional connection? Where is the feeling of safety? ITS NOT THERE!

 

He does the small things he does in order to manipulate you into thinking that he loves you. HIS ACTIONS over the last four years show you differently. Four years, off and on, you have been together and you have never met his family?!

 

He comes back in your life and is automatically letting you know he may need a place to stay. He asked you for a specific camera that he knows goes for 2K. Gets mad at you and punishes you by not talking to you. Then, IF (which you won't) bring it up it will be all your fault again.

 

He manipulates you ... and by the way, I won my bet. In an earlier post I said I was willing to bet that he made the break-up, him messing around, everything your fault ... you answered that yourself, he did make it your fault. He will ALWAYS MAKE EVERYTHING YOUR FAULT.

 

H E W I L L N E V E R C H A N G E ! ! ! !

 

Only you can change by ending the relationship completely with him.

 

It is not your fault. None of it. Get out of this sorry excuse of a relationship now. Yes, you've invested your time in him the past four years ... do you really want to invest four more (heck, even one more month) and still not meet his family? Still not be the object in his pictures? Still feel like crap? Still be afraid to tell him your feelings?

[blind_otter]

Also, I've got a nagging suspicion about this whole camera business, and it just won't go away. It increased when you said that you were outbid for the camera - then the "winner" of the auction pulled out and the seller contacted you offering it. Why would he do that? Didn't you say that bidding closed much higher than your final offer...and if so, what happened to all the other interested parties?

 

I think this bears repeating. I've heard this happen a lot, upping the price with fake accounts.

 

Whatever, dude.

[jerbear]

Some of the bidding sites have "second chances" which happens to be the seller has more than one of the same item.

 

It just happened to be the same price as the one I was bidding on. I ended up declining since I bought the rest of the collection.

 

Anyway, I still stand by my post to the OP on HE is a user. A 3 (man) & a 7 (woman) of financial ability is just a little off in my book. Another thing is does he have any potential to reach a 5 or higher? If he is playing this game of a camera and wanting to go semi-pro; he better have some potential in entreprenaurial spirit, business sense , determination, and some business goals.

 

I do not remember, is he older than you? If so, I say he is a user. Younger guys at least you can say they have some potential.

[Art_Critic]

I think this bears repeating. I've heard this happen a lot, upping the price with fake accounts.

 

It's called Shill Bidding.. I think it happens a lot..

 

Albeit against auction rules and even against the law punishable by jailtime.. but people still do it.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

IMHO - the camera is just the icing on the cake and in the big picture, does not matter. OP knows this otherwise she wouldn’t have been sick to her stomach, and avoiding his calls and talking to him about this. The camera is just one of many pieces to this and it can be justified away all continually. (Yes, it could have been an auction item that had a fake bidder; Yes, it could have been where the seller had multiple items and wished to sell them all to whoever bid on it; Yes, yes, yes.)

 

And I have to disagree with JerBer who said if this guy is younger at least he has potential ... he will never have potential as long as he has someone to pave the way for him. Personalities do not change

 

However, I think all of that is getting away from the big picture and what the problem really is ... the guy is a user and a manipulator. She needs to drop him.

[jerbear]

And I have to disagree with JerBer who said if this guy is younger at least he has potential ... he will never have potential as long as he has someone to pave the way for him. Personalities do not change

 

However, I think all of that is getting away from the big picture and what the problem really is ... the guy is a user and a manipulator. She needs to drop him.

 

Potential as in, he is still unproven. He maybe getting skills, training, education, maturing, learning, getting stable, etc...

[blind_otter]

Potential as in, he is still unproven. He maybe getting skills, training, education, maturing, learning, getting stable, etc...

 

Yeah. But no. Never never never get involved with someone that you say " I love them for the person that I know they COULD be..."

 

You either love them for who they are, as they are, or you don't love them at all.

[TeaCooler]

yeah, i know when a guy lies to me and cheats on me, i definitely reward him by buying him things that cost thousands of dollars. why not?

 

come on. this reeks of despair on your part, and i don't understand why you're so desperate to hang on to this crappy relationship with a creep who already proved he can't be trusted.

 

you're afraid to tell him you won't buy him what he wants because you know what his reaction will be, and that it will tell you exactly how he feels about you.

 

don't be that girl. stand up for yourself in the way you didn't when you agreed to get back together with someone who lied to you, used you, and cheated on you...and then asked for a $2000 camera.

 

there are better things, and better people, out there. go find one, buy yourself a camera, and take a picture of that person and yourself with big happy, confident smiles...and then use it as your avatar.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Potential as in, he is still unproven. He maybe getting skills, training, education, maturing, learning, getting stable, etc...

 

O.K., I can agree with that definition of potential. However, this can also be justified away indefinitely with excuse after excuse and after excuse.

 

We have to remember that this guy is a manipulative user. He knows exactly what to say, when to say it and what to do and when to do it, to get his way. He will justify ALL his actions and will NEVER take the blame for himself.

 

These types of people DO NOT change.

 

So again I say that this is just pieces in the big picture. The big picture is this guy will never change, he will continue to use, continue to blame, continue to manipulate her until she is a shell of the person she really is. All along, she won't even know he is doing it. Her posts show this is already happening! She already agreed to buy the friggin camera out of guilt! She is already thinking of allowing him to stay in her newly acquired property!

 

Which, if she does, in fact, allow him to live there, even if he agrees to pay rent ... next thing will be that he can't afford it this month, didn't get the contract he needed; can't afford to pay utilities this month, he didn't get paid for this, or for that. Next, Next, Next. It will always be something next! Again, making her feel responsible for his financial well-being.

 

OP - I am not saying leaving and getting out is easy, it isn't, because your heart is involved. However, you already have a head-start. You do not live with him, you have absolutely no ties to him what-so-ever (hey, you don't even know his family, so you can't say that you will miss your contact with them). You are financially independent.

 

How you grew up is probably part of it ... you feel that to show you care for someone you send money. You do it with your brother. This is probably something that you should work on in the future ... show your love by time and attention ... not money. Again, though that is not the problem here. If you truly had someone that cared about you it wouldn't matter and this wouldn't even be an issue.

 

You do not need anything from this guy. You do not need his friendship (or lack there-of in reality), nor do you need him as a boyfriend (again, his lack there-of). He is only bringing YOU down.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

buy yourself a camera, and take a picture of that person and yourself with big happy, confident smiles...and then use it as your avatar.

 

I like that TeaCooler ... You have so much to offer someone ... offer it to someone who truly cares about you, not the money you bring to the playing field.

[TeaCooler]

You do it with your brother.

 

 

i didn't realize that part.

 

haha, just kidding. but i do agree with what you're saying.

 

i do think some people can change (because really, you have to start with some kind of potential to get anywhere) but seeing as he has already disappointed her majorly, he's shown more potential to hurt and use her than anything else. that to me would cancel out any "well he has potential to grow and change" business.

 

he cartainly won't "grow and change" on his own with people buying him silly things he can't afford himself.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

TeaCooler -

 

Yeah, that is sick. LOL - I will have to make sure I reread what I type to make sure I don't have anymore of those double meanings in here. Ha/Ha

 

No, this guy definitely won't change as long as someone else is either footing the bill, getting him out of trouble, catching him everytime he falls, or overlooks all his faults.

 

Really, the ONLY way people like this change is when they hit rock bottom and start having to depend only on themselves. Only then (and this is only a possibility) can they start to appreciate all that everyone has ever done for them in their life.

 

This guy hasn't even apologized to her for any of the hurt he caused her before. HE HASN'T APOLOGIZED OR TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY. HE HASN"T ALLOWED HER TO VOICE HER THOUGHTS, HER FEELINGS, HER CONCERNS!!!! Of course, not ... the responsibility is all hers, so there is no reason for him to apologize .... MY ASS!

 

I say possibility b/c in all liklihood most of these types of people will still blame any misfortune that comes their way, even years later, to everyone else but themselves. In this case it will be b/c she didn't get me that camera I didn't get this job, or didn't get this contract. B/c she didn't let me live in one of her properties I'm living in this "shack" and can't get any business. Again, b/c, b/c, b/c. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

 

Sorry I vented there ... for some reason this thread really gets my nerves rattled!

[TeaCooler]

TeaCooler -

 

Yeah, that is sick. LOL - I will have to make sure I reread what I type to make sure I don't have anymore of those double meanings in here. Ha/Ha

 

 

 

This guy hasn't even apologized to her for any of the hurt he caused her before. HE HASN'T APOLOGIZED OR TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY. HE HASN"T ALLOWED HER TO VOICE HER THOUGHTS, HER FEELINGS, HER CONCERNS!!!! Of course, not ... the responsibility is all hers, so there is no reason for him to apologize .... MY ASS!

 

 

 

Sorry I vented there ... for some reason this thread really gets my nerves rattled!

 

1. hahahaha. it's okay, that's what makes this board funny.

 

2.no he hasn't, and yet has the audacity to ask for something. who cares if it's expensive, really? i know i wouldn't give this guy a stick of gum if i was treated that way.

 

3. it angers me, too. i don't like seeing people be taking advantage of, especially when they know they are and are ignoring it to keep the "love" going.

 

alas, it is not me or my problem, so all we can do is dispense the crap we've gone through ourselves or heard of or even just what we think, and hope for the best for the person who needs it.

[Mary3]

$200 doesn't buy you a professional digital camera.. a good profeesional digital camera is about 3-5k.. I have the best digital camera at work that I use and it is 40k.

If he shoots professionally then he should be able to afford his own camera.. or lease one..

 

I was referring to a 4.0 magapixel which can be bought for around $200 now.

I did not realize he wanted a professional camera . I know they can cost nearer to $3,000 and up.

 

What exactly does he want to do with this camera ? Why does he want HER to pay for it.

 

I smell LOSER !

[Mary3]

yeah, i know when a guy lies to me and cheats on me, i definitely reward him by buying him things that cost thousands of dollars. why not?

 

come on. this reeks of despair on your part, and i don't understand why you're so desperate to hang on to this crappy relationship with a creep who already proved he can't be trusted.

 

you're afraid to tell him you won't buy him what he wants because you know what his reaction will be, and that it will tell you exactly how he feels about you.

 

don't be that girl. stand up for yourself in the way you didn't when you agreed to get back together with someone who lied to you, used you, and cheated on you...and then asked for a $2000 camera.

 

there are better things, and better people, out there. go find one, buy yourself a camera, and take a picture of that person and yourself with big happy, confident smiles...and then use it as your avatar.

 

I LOVED this advice !!! Right ON !

[Mary3]

I think OP should buy herself a nice expensive camera and then take a picture of her boyfriends EMPTY wallet and set it on his night stand with a note that says : "This is how you met me , this is how you leave , now GET OUT " !

 

LOL !!!!!!!

 

lovin it...

[StrivingtoSucceed]

"This is how you met me , this is how you leave , now GET OUT " !

 

Great idea, too! But not one I think OP will use. She is too kind and too giving ... and with this particular relationship, too afraid. Note all her other posts in other threads ... very strong & smart person. Just not when it pertains to her ... she is letting her feelings, and her dependency on someone else's affections, cloud her better judgement. Which, from her posting this thread shows that it is there ... just buried underneath all his crap.

 

Of course, we can give her all the advise she needs, but she is the one that will have to take the action.

 

So ... if OP wants ideas on how to get out of the relationship GRACEFULLY, then maybe we should start giving her ways that she can apply. Until she says that is what she wants and is prepared to do that though, then posting suggestions, while fun and entertaining to us b/c we aren't in the middle of it, is a moot point for her, right? Although, it can and should show her that she is right on with that "sinking feeling" he is giving her. It should also show her that all these other people in the world can't be wrong when they all have the same suggestions ... it's got to be him!

[aleatoryd]

IMHO - the camera is just the icing on the cake and in the big picture, does not matter.

 

^^^^ LOL! No I think the camera is essential for the big picture!

 

CaliGirl you said gifts of money made things difficult for your brother right? Well that's probably because he values emotions and people over manipulation and money. It's about class of character and your boyfriend is crass. If you want to stick with your boyfriend then just remember to set up a regular bank transfer for his affections.

 

I think we're going round in circles here and the consensus is obvious. If you're lucky he might photograph you so he can show all his friends his get rich quick plan. MAKE AN ISSUE of not seeing his family - I mean do they even know you exist and does he really admit to them that he is bleeding you dry of money. I wonder just how many secrets he is hiding.

 

Do yourself a favour and put him out of the picture.

[jerbear]

Yeah. But no. Never never never get involved with someone that you say " I love them for the person that I know they COULD be..."

 

You either love them for who they are, as they are, or you don't love them at all.

 

You get an idea of their goals, dreams, and aspirations. No gal would want a guy who has no goals, no future, and no abilities?

[StrivingtoSucceed]

You're right ... the camera is essential for everyone, including OP, to see the big picture. However, I think to much emphasis is being put on the camera and therefore, why I tried to get that out of the picture.

 

CaliGirl you said gifts of money made things difficult for your brother right? Well that's probably because he values emotions and people over manipulation and money. It's about class of character and your boyfriend is crass. If you want to stick with your boyfriend then just remember to set up a regular bank transfer for his affections.

 

This is dead on!

 

MAKE AN ISSUE of not seeing his family - I mean do they even know you exist and does he really admit to them that he is bleeding you dry of money. I wonder just how many secrets he is hiding.

 

I don't know if I would go this route ... making an issue out of not seeing his family he can take as "well, if I just introduce her and make her happy in that regard, then that will shut her up for awhile" and therefore, continue to string her along. While it may unhide any secrets he may be hiding (which I don't think he is ... the off and on thing for four years and her knowing him two years before that), I think if she presented this to him as a reason (for ANY of her unhappiness), he would use this card to play against her. What he is hiding is what is so obvious to us (user, scumbag ... insert whatever comes to mind here), but not to her b/c she can't see the big picture. She is afraid to b/c he has made her afraid. She knows this, but will not give credit to, or recognize it for what it is yet. He is manipulative and knows how to play the game well to get what he wants.

 

And, I think that her trying to figure out what exactly his family knows about her is just making her string herself along ... she doesn't need to care (although we all know she does ... she's human) what his family knows, or doesn't know about her at this point. What she needs to do, as we all agree, is let him go.

[aleatoryd]

No gal would want a guy who has no goals, no future, and no abilities?

 

Aw so you saying I have no chance? LOL!

 

Sorry StrivingtoSucceed you are quite right to point out that we agree on ditching him. I'm just trying to be balanced in what I say. There is a danger of not remaining impartial (though we are hardly that) and well being rather incensed about this whole thing. I'm far too calm and collected to do that... no really I am. I like to believe there is good in everyone.

 

Oh very well - CaliGirl I asked you before what he does romantically for you. You answered and we've all considered... he doesn't do much and the blaming, resentment, pressurising and mistreatment far outweighs his small gestures. Many people have friends who do far more for them than he does. True friends don't manipulate and coerce with emotional black mail and mind games. If he loved you even as a friend then he wouldn't either. Being your boyfriend he should try ebven harder.

 

Didn't you say he cheated on you? Well I believe in forgiveness but you shouldn't take him back if it doesn't seem like he has changed. Think of it as helping in the future - he has to correct and develop his personality and not just his films. Take one of his camera flash units and attach a note saying "I want you gone in a..." attached to it. Wrap it up and give it to him telling him that it's what he deserves.

[HotCaliGirl]

I was beginning to feel better, thinking this wihole thing will pass and things w ill be ok, but now from the posts I am reading, from the first new one since my last post on...I got the same sinking gut feeling all over again and feel bad all over again...

 

Saturday night he called again and finally I answered the phone, he asked for me to go to his place. I had been upset that he had given me the silent treatment for 2 days following the auction loss plus the whole issue of the camera in the first place, so I was avoiding his calls.

 

When I got to his place, he was charging his camera, the one he already owns which is a nice Nikon professional one. I was so excited, I thought he was going to take pictures of me or something, but he didn't!!! The next day my family called upset that I flaked spending Easter with them, they know he never wants to hang out with them, and he doesn't like for me to make/receive calls from any of them while I am with him, so they were like oh great, you're with him again... So in the afternoon I decided to show the place I had purchased to some potential renters since they called asking about it and I was closeby.

 

I told him I'd be back soon, and while I was away from him showing the property, he called on my cell phone and asked that I stop by at the grocery store, gave me a few items to buy including 2 $30 bottled of alcohol and other stuff. Later that day we ordered food and as usual when it got to his place, he came to me to give him the money. I was thinking of your posts, like I'm some ATM so I was in deep thought for once, while getting the money and he said "you have to move a little faster" and I swear I was getting upset about it when I have never really given it any thought before.

 

As far as his family - I have brought that up before, a few years back I said why doesn't he ever take me to his family, that I wanted to meet them. He said something like I wouldn't like them, but he goes to see them all the time an has thier pictures up all over his apartment. 2 years ago he said he was going on a ski trip with his friend, then recently when he brought up that trip he mentioned it was with his friend's son (it was his same friend's wife who he had cheated on) and I was thinking to myself, it hardly makes sense to fly out a 10 year old to go to a different state to go skiing with so now I'm wondering just what the heck he is up to, who he really goes places with and am having major trust issues with him.

 

Also yesterday he spent part of the day doing his taxes, complaining he owed to the IRS when every other year that I've known him he gets a refund and uses it to make a big purchase or go to a trip like to Europe or skiing or something. I restrained myself from offering to pay his taxes!!! I kow it sounds pathetic, but it's hard to act differently when I care for him so much.

 

And as far as the auction, you guys brought up some interesting points...I looked at the highest bidder's profile and his registration date is the same as the sellers!! so that is suspicious. The next highest bidder had zero history of any purchases or sales, yet has been a member since 2004!!! One of the other bidders had a lot of negative ratings so wouldn't make sense for that type of careless bidder to bid on a pricey item, and i'm sure there may be some other suspicious stuff, cuz it got me thinking, why would he offer it to ME to buy when there were so many other bidders who came in after me...so now this is just strange, that if it is a coincidence this seller is a fraudulent guy and it happens to be the one my bf asks me to bid on...all of this is getting too weird.

 

I want to thank all of you for your sincere concern. I would be going back to the flow and not questioning anything even after all your original posts, my head is that much in the sand, but you continued to give feedback and now I REALLY have to think again and it is making me feel like sh**. Very good comparison on how my brother gets bugged out when I send him money to the point he gets so upset he complains to my sisters about it, like I don't care enough to give him personal time and he doesn't want my money, whereas my bf ASKS for it...very interesting...geez I am so stupid in this relationship but honestly that's not how I am with anyone else or in other areas of my life, aside from being generous but I don't get taken advantage of or put up with cra* so this is really messing with my life...

[blind_otter]

You get an idea of their goals, dreams, and aspirations. No gal would want a guy who has no goals, no future, and no abilities?

 

Having aspirations is great, but you can't be with someone in the hopes that they will attain their goals. If they fail, you may blame them or become bitter. If they suceed you may find yourself unsatisfied with a result that you had placed a lot of emotional value on.

 

I think the best way is to love a person as they are, and to continue to love them as they change, which is hopefully for the better.