Is my bf using me???

[HotCaliGirl]

He did lose his higher paying job last year and makes less now...but in general, when we met he had no idea what I was worth so I know he must like me for me, then when I slowly let him into my world and he knew what I was about, I think it was me who initiated for paying for things, seeing he was less well off, I think I may have brought this on to the point he is used to it and now I don't want it to be a contributing factor in our relationship so that I can be assured he is with me for only me, especially having to consider we had split and HE initiated getting back together...all of that plays w/ my head...

[jerbear]

He did lose his higher paying job last year and makes less now...but in general, when we met he had no idea what I was worth so I know he must like me for me, then when I slowly let him into my world and he knew what I was about, I think it was me who initiated for paying for things, seeing he was less well off, I think I may have brought this on to the point he is used to it and now I don't want it to be a contributing factor in our relationship so that I can be assured he is with me for only me, especially having to consider we had split and HE initiated getting back together...all of that plays w/ my head...

 

It benefits HIM so HE initiated getting back together. HE is playing with your head.

 

Don't get me wrong and I could be wrong; but I see a parallel in your situation I've experienced. I was the sugar daddy and got attention only when I did something.

 

Now next time, ask him if he is willing to enter into a prenuptial agreement. Look into his eyes and you might get your answer. Hate to say this but this is a test for him.

[HotCaliGirl]

he himself brought up the prenup discussion a few years back and I said I would never get married w/o one (I only said that because I didn't want him to think I'd marry for money, we had just met and getting to know each other - even though that would not be the case for me) and he agreed prenup is the only way to go, so we're just bs-ing to each other? lol he is not the type to get married, which i want so this is all screwed up but it's hard when you have feelings for someone to think and act sanely.

[jerbear]

he himself brought up the prenup discussion a few years back and I said I would never get married w/o one (I only said that because I didn't want him to think I'd marry for money, we had just met and getting to know each other - even though that would not be the case for me) and he agreed prenup is the only way to go, so we're just bs-ing to each other? lol he is not the type to get married, which i want so this is all screwed up but it's hard when you have feelings for someone to think and act sanely.

 

Could be related to oxytocin (learned that from B_O), endorphines, generic hormones... you want the love but not the love. Yeah feelings really mess things up.

 

Sounds like you two are bs-ing and any details on the pre-nup? 50/50? or some weird stuff like what I offered my ex about she gets everything if I screw up or 50/50 if she screws up. ie. infidelity, attempted murder, etc...

[RecordProducer]

I think the main question here is: is he JUST using you or is he simply taking advantage of your excessive generosity to get the goodies he wants? You need to find ways to determine which one is the truth.

 

In any case you have shown him that he can do that; you've spoiled him. But he is not an angel either. I had a BF who wanted to use me financially. I was 16 when we started dating and in the first couple years he was using me for sex (he was 6 years older than me). He was openly telling me that he liked me, but didn't love me. I suffered a lot. Then when I was about 18 he suddenly realized that I had a wealthy step-father who had just started a very successful small forwarding business. He knew that the step-father had molested me in the past. It didn't bother him to be friendly with him. He was telling me how he wanted to inherit his CEO position in the company when the old man retires.

 

His parents suggested that he buys an apartment for us cuz he is wealthy. He proposed to me when I was 21 and I said "yes." I was in Paris at the time. I came back home and after two months of living together I changed my mind. He wanted either marriage or nothing. He also expected me to do all the house work and make more money than him. He also didn't like it when I looked sexy; he wanted me to wear professional suit and long skirts that covered my body completely (not that I obeyed).

 

His only goal was to live well off of my step-father. He couldn't have started to love me all of a sudden after two years. Of course, he didn't mind having me as a wife - I ain't ugly or stinky. He was so poor and so lazy and uneducated, he just couldn't see himself prosper in any other way unless he marries a wealthy girl.

 

He married a hair dresser who made good money. I met a friend of his recently and he told me that the ex-BF is unemployed as usual and his wife earns for the whole family (they live with his parents).

[HotCaliGirl]

wow, thanks for sharing that story RP. In the past I used to be judgemental and think how could a girl be with a guy like that...how could she even say yes when he proposed and so on, but now that I've been in that type of relationship for so long, it's like jerbear said chemicals screw you up or something....good for you for not staying with him. You must be strong because I am realizing how people get screwed and you could have just as well ended up with him and been miserable....

 

It's like when I step back I can see how messed up the relationship is, but when I'm with him he seems so loving that afterwards I think I'm wrong that there are any problems, even though he would have a fit if I dressed sexy, I have to do all that dressing up when we're apart and not let him know. He controls my makeup, hair color, weight which we argue about - he wants me to gain more I think so I will be less attractive or feel less sexy? - and the list goes on...and I also think if he didn't love me he wouldn't put that much energy to how I looked so sometimes I see it as a good sign even though it bothers me,I'm telling you I'm all screwed up in the head with him.

 

But the next step now is to let him know I have no intentions of buying things for him, not that "I missed the auction" as the impression I've given. Time to put things straight so I can see where this is all headed...

[nicki]

Good for you, HCG!

 

Baby steps. Just start by being unwaveringly honest about how you are feeling. I had a hard time doing this until a friend shared a tip with me.

 

She said to describe my own observations about my reactions. For instance, you can say "Just now, when you asked me to buy the camera for you, I began to feel sick to my stomach."

 

I don't know if that will help you. But it helped me. I can now tell people that I feel completely clear that I am confused about something...

 

And you don't have to do anything that you are confused about...wait for that feeling of a green light...

[HotCaliGirl]

Hi nicki, that is great advice, I really like it and I think it's simple but very applicable. I can say out loud to him my feelings and reactions the way you explained it.

 

He finally just called me and it is after 7pm...the whole day i have been hanging on that one brief email that he hasn't had the chance to get to me, so now that I'm all mad and hurt, he leaves a chearful message and I'm supposed to pretend everything's ok? I can't get the nerve to call him back but if I do see him, I am going to definitely use your advice to describe how what he did made me feel...if he'll give me the chance to get it out. Usually he interupts and doesn't let me so we'll see how it goes. I haven't felt this bad in a long time.

[RecordProducer]

Your problem is: you don't have the courage to tell him how you really feel and what's even more important, what you really think of him right now.

 

The reasons are: 1. you are afraid that he might be disappointed in you and dump you, and 2. you are not sure you're right about this.

 

It's wonderful that you count to 100 before saying something you may later regret - that's a very good trait, which you (and whoever is your partner) will benefit from in your life. However you shouldn't hold things back forever, because it destroys the relationship in other departments; it's eating you up inside and eventually you have to spill your anger out.

 

I think you don't have to insult him by telling him that he's using you as you don't know for sure whether he loves you and is using you or is just using you without being truly in love with you. I think my ex-husband was never deeply in love with me, but at the time I honestly believed he was, because I loved him. So yes, we can be fooled easily when we love.

 

You can simply let him know calmly and kindly that a man who asks for pricey gifts is a turn-off for you and you don't want to feel obligated to buy him anything; moreover you don't want to teach anyone that around you they can get anything they want. What you care for is that people love you for YOU and not for your money and if he is asking you for expensive presents that makes you feel like he only wants your money and not you.

 

That's all. End of story. This describes your feelings and thoughts completely and is not offensive. He will say "Oh, so you think that this is all about money, that I'm using you?" Tell him: "You definitely wanted to use my money for the camera. What would you think if the situation were reverse?"

 

He will probably say: "I would buy you the camera if the situation were reverse." (which is bullsh*t). Then you can tell him: "Well then you're a better person than me."

 

That leaves space for him to tell you what he really thinks of you. If he loves you, he will withdraw and tell you what a wonderful person you are. Of course, this is if the conversation ever goes this way.. Just giving you an example of how you can express yourself without calling him names. The reason why you don't feel like talking to him now is exactly because you would gladly tell him all kinds of insults if you were totally honest. And you don't want that.

[HotCaliGirl]

Just giving you an example of how you can express yourself without calling him names. The reason why you don't feel like talking to him now is exactly because you would gladly tell him all kinds of insults if you were totally honest. And you don't want that.

You are amazingly wise and intuitive, and so right RP...that is exactly why I have been avoiding talking to him, because for hours on end I think of all these nasty things to tell him and I know after I say it it will pretty much end everything, then I'll be on here sulking like a baby crying about how I wish we were still together...

 

You're right, there's nothing wrong with telling him how I feel without accusing him of anything. I can even say that I might be wrong, but him asking me for gifts makes me feel like a sugar mama or something like that and definitely not like an equal partner in the relationship. Otherwise I was going to get into a whole emotional thing of what he's doing, the whole camera issues and the whole thing, which would make me look so weak and with issues (partly true lol).

 

So I finally returned his call last night after I waited a long time, because like you say I am avoiding talking to not insult him, at which time he didn't answer the phone so this is like a rocky weekend of us not being together and not having talked...but finally, after all these days I do feel comfortable facing him and expressing myself.

 

On another note, the seller of the camera contacted me because the winner backed out, he has offered for me to purchase it. I said yes - I am thinking I could save it and give it to hiim for a special occassion (but his b-day is all the way in October!!!) OR I'll keep it myself, I wouldn't mind getting into photography...I'll even take my own pictures and that will probably make me feel better!

[2sunny]

When you do discuss this with him simply make ONE statement that expresses how you feel about the situation as a whole.

 

Maybe something like: Why am I supposed to feel comfortable with the idea of buying you gifts? Or something along those lines....

 

THEN, do NOT speak - this will force him to respond and it will be interesting to see what he says.

[Art_Critic]

On another note, the seller of the camera contacted me because the winner backed out, he has offered for me to purchase it. I said yes - I am thinking I could save it and give it to hiim for a special occassion (but his b-day is all the way in October!!!) OR I'll keep it myself, I wouldn't mind getting into photography...I'll even take my own pictures and that will probably make me feel better!

 

 

TSK TSK TSK ..... so close yet so far..

 

Have you listened to one single person here ??? your just asking to be used and abused with that attitude.

 

You are just trying to relieve your guilt..

 

Will you be my GF ???..

[pricillia]

You could just blow the auction or bid .. or even ignore it..

It seems to me that this doesn't make you feel comfortable..

Warning number one..

 

Has he been harping on you about bidding more or raising your maximum bid ?

 

I still don't think he is using you but I do think that it has triggered something inside you and you need to listen to this..

 

true a woman's intuition is never wrong listen to your inner voice!!!

[StrivingtoSucceed]

The topic of this thread you asked if your bf is using you. I'm sorry, but he isn't your bf.

 

He gets mad at you and decides to punish you by not contacting you. Why? To make you feel guilty that you didn't get the camera. He's smart. He acted as if it didn't matter when you talked about it. But his actions speak louder than his words. It worked ... you got the camera.

 

He gets mad at you when you dress like YOU want to dress and wear make-up, so you don't dress like that or where make-up when you are around him, so you hide your true self to make him happy.

 

He obviously loves his family, and his family's friends and gf's. His photo albums prove it. If you were his gf, not only would you know his family, but you would be in those photos as well.

 

You are afraid to say what you really think and feel b/c then he might get mad at you and punish you yet again by either not talking to you, or breaking up with you. I'm sure he would make it all your fault too. I'm willing to bet that he made the break-up all your fault too. And, that he was with another woman your fault as well.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here, and I can completely understand that you feel you love this guy. But what you are feeling isn't love. Love isn't hiding your true self. Love isn't being afraid to say something and the repercussions after. Love isn't having to buy something for someone to make them happy.

 

Additionally, while I agree that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you is true, just because you bought him things previously doesn't mean you trained him to be this way. If someone is truly appreciative, you would know. Obviously, your gut is telling you something and you know he isn't appreciative. This guy was a user before you came along and he still is.

 

Does he tell you he loves you and all that crap? His actions speak louder than his words.

 

I'm going to sway from the camera and money issue here ... dump him. Find someone else that will appreciate you for yourself, not your money. Find someone that will make you feel good, not feel bad. Find someone that will be happy and excited to introduce you to their family. Find someone that will include you in their life ... even when they aren't happy with you.

[lindya]

These sound like some of the standard problems that can emerge when a guy is involved with a wealthy woman and I'm very much reminded of the situation of a friend of mine. She owns a fair amount of property, and she got married to a guy who didn't really have anything. So she was faced with the dilemma of wanting to have a nice life with him whilst not feeling that she was subsidising him in a manner that might a) result in him losing his self respect, and b) leave her wondering if his interest in the relationship had too much basis in the material rewards it could bring him.

 

I have to confess that when I first met him, that was also my concern - and in all honesty I still think the relationship could easily have gone down that road where he was depending on her to the extent that mutual resentment was fostered.

 

She handled it with the same confidence and aplomb that led her into having such a healthy financial situation in the first place. She encouraged and was supportive of him in his professional life, and lent (note, not gave ) him money in order to undergo additional training that would improve his prospects. The fact that this loan was repayable (albeit without interest) left her able to focus on giving him emotional support as opposed to financial. When he got on his feet a bit, she suggested that they buy a place together that would be theirs...a key point being that they would share responsibility in paying for it.

 

I think she was wise. If you give a person too much in the way of material things, they can start to feel like your charity case. What happens then? Well, often they begin feeling resentful. They search for ways of recovering their lost pride...and unfortunately those ways might involve subtly belittling you as they rationalise to themselves the notion that they are entitled to take things from you without needing to feel overly appreciative.

 

Somehow, HCG, you need to develop confidence in your ability to make people feel loved and special without always dipping into your purse in order to do so. In that sense, both you and your boyfriend need to stop depending on your money in order to make the relationship work. It's natural that you would want to help him in his career (I'm assuming he's a professional photographer), but there's no reason you can't make that assistance take the form of a cash loan rather than a gift of expensive equipment. If he doesn't like that, then it might be useful for you to help him explore what he would gain - emotionally and psychologically rather than financially - from being helped via a gift as opposed to a loan.

 

If not providing him with expensive gifts makes you feel guilty and him feel unloved, then those are feelings you both need to address - possibly within a counselling environment where it's easier (and safer) to take an objective stance. I think you've gathered, from the responses you've had here, that generally people wouldn't assume that a wealthy partner should constantly demonstrate their affection with material measures. In fact, too much of that sort of thing can - as you've found - cause various problems within a relationship.

[pricillia]

maybe he would like to be a kept man, so much time spent in worrying

about the relatioship does not sound like you are having a very good relationship at all...

 

as I said before a woman's intuition is always right, If you think he is using you then he probably is...Does he do anything nice for you or is it one sided???

[aleatoryd]

a woman's intuition is always right

 

I think most people in their gut have good and bad feelings because of the circumstances which had led up to this. When I started reading this thread (over an hour ago) I got a really sick feeling in my stomach. I feel really sorry for your situation HCG but the one thing I see about this website is you have had lots of response with different opinions. THis is really good as it allows you to make a balanced decision - I find value in every persons opinion and someone always approaches it from a different angle bringing up new hypotheses.

 

This is what this is about - everything is hyperthetical based on the facts you've divulged so far. More details would complete the picture.

 

To me your b/f sounds like he was attracted to you in the first place but that doesn't mean love. It could just as easily be lust. There is the obvious possibility that you started the ball rolling by paying for things and gradually he grew to rely on you.

 

If this guy is in love with anyone or anything it's your money. You said the guy cuts you down in conversation. Is that love? I believe love is equality and empathy in a relationship. Really ask yourself what does he do for you? What does he contribute towards your happiness and well being? It could be well possible that you are scared of the prospect of being single as others have suggested but you are probably more than capable of attracting far better guys.

 

If anything you can take good lessons from this situation. I would hate to see you waste more emotions on this guy (money isn't important but you as a person, as an individual are). I'm not saying he's a bad guy... there's good in everyone but can you honestly say that there won't be a future issue which makes you depressed and puts you back onto pain killers or maybe anti-depressants in the future?

 

You shared a lot about yourself and made yourself vulnerable - I respect that and I respect how the members of this community responded. I'm currently finishing University and having been a student for such a long time I have debts (student loans to pay back, credit card and overdraft). I'm not proud of this fact but take it as a part and parcel of the steps necessary to further my education and hopefully my job prospects.

 

I do not like the feeling of debt and yes there is a male pride thing. At the same time I know equally poor students who borrow and as soon as they get money spend it on themselves rather than paying their debts so I realise people have different values. To me however it would not be right to ask anyone to buy expensive things for me. In the future I want to support my future wife financially not because of male egotism but because I will love them and want the best for them.

 

To find that your b/f is effectively taking advantage of you - it seems to me that based on how you've described his actions he cares more about a stupid camera than he does about you. I'm sorry to say it but whatever his original intentions he now sees three letters tattoed to your ATM. I fear that you may have well ended up buying his affection.

 

I was brought up to believe that the guy should buy the woman the meal. Reccently I've met someone who has more egalitarian views and suggested maybe sharing the bill or paying for each other. I realise you have more money but surely he isn't so poor he can't afford to treat you back. If a man cannot give and be generous in spirit when he is poor then how can he do the same when he is rich? I wouldn't judge things by money anyway - there are plenty of free/cheap things to do romantically such as romantic walks, trips away, attractions like fairground/circus, zoos, museums, art galleries... don't you think that people who are poor can be romantic and happy?

 

My concern is that from what you have said I can't see how this guy can be treating you well. I'm sure there are things he must do for you - romantic gestures maybe? Hidden romantic notes, favourite songs, small but carefully selected gifts, driving to places where you first met stuff like that all the things that I would want to do to the girl I love. If you can tell us he does these things then we might not judge so harshly. Opinions can only be based on what is known. What you have supplied so far only hints at some good times you maybe spend together.

 

I fear that the answer to your question is clearly evident from what you have wriiten (it permeates through every word) there is something very wrong. It may not be resolvable but you need to take control and not allow you b/f to continue using you. The conclusion we have drawn however that this man does not sound by anyone elses definition like a true boyfriend. The test for you is to withdraw from paying for things and see whether he stay with you but remember that he could be lulling you into a false sense of security with the intention of through guilt or subtlely over time drawing open your purse string again.

 

I would personally walk away from this guy and find someone who loves you for who you are. Try and meet genuine and nice guys (they do exist you know!). Look at the other parts of this forum and witness just how crazy we love struck guys can become over a girl and look for someone who feels and acts that way towards you. Please, please go with your gut feelings and don't allow money to become a substitute for emotions. Take care and good luck.

[RecordProducer]

HCG, if you're like really wealthy and he is middle class or lower then the chances are big he is just using you. You were not together for a year, right? And he suddenly re-appeared in your life with material demands.

 

No matter how much you expect from the less wealthy person to contribute to the mutual budget, they will always benefit from being with a partner wealthier than themselves - whether their motives are genuine or calculated.

 

Now I'm thinking, the reason why he may have not introduced you to his family is because he doesn't want it to seem like he has plans for the two of you for the future. And he doesn't want this because he is afraid that he might scare you off and push you away since you're the wealthy one - just thinking with a male's brain. This, of course, doesn't mean anything good or bad.

[HotCaliGirl]

I love you guys for taking the time to listen and help me so much...I can't thank you guys enough. It's like a reality check because when you love someone it's hard to think their motives might be bad or not the same as yours....

 

Yes, we had broken up on Superbowl Sunday of last year, so Feb. 05. He contacted me in November but went home for the holidays, didn't call me for xmas or new year so I was like forget it...it was like we barely had made contact but it was a weak one then gone again...so a few weeks ago he called me DESPERATE, like he wouldn't let me hang up BUT every time I tried to speak out about stuff that was still bothering me, I swear to you he did not let me, he kept saying "let me finish" "let me talk" and he made it out that EVERYTHING that has EVER gone wrong has always been my fault, so before you know it, by the end of the conversation stupid me was the one apologizing to him, for driving him to cheat, for lying, for everything, it sounds bad the way I say it but he makes it make sense how it's all my fault!!!

 

So when we got back together, I to this day have all these bottled up complaints, but I don't want to rock the boat because he won't hear of it. I've argued once that he doesn't take me to his family, but he says I would be miserable there anyways and gets annoyed so I try to deal with it, but it makes sense what you say as far as if he doesn't have intentions to be with me for the long run? But heck we've been together on/off for almost 4 years and I've known him 2 years before that as well...

 

Financial wise, 1-10 with 10 Bill Gates and 1 a homeless...if I'm a 7, he's like a 3 so yeah there's a huge difference, but I try to keep in mind all the stuff about not letting money get in the way of a relationship so it's hard when you want things to work with someone. I just can't get over some of the stuff and I have invested so much time and energy into him, made him a better person intellectually, workwise and a lot of parts of his life that instead of appreciating me more, sometimes it's like he sucks the life out of me then goes off and does his own thing with family or friends for a while, then reappears. It's embarassing to admit when I write this all down, but someone asked his good qualities.

 

Good qualities why I put up with the bad - we can have very long conversations on all the topics under the sun - from politics to philosophy and that is SO enriching and rewarding, I really don't know too many people close to me I can talk to like that. On a daily basis we email various newspaper articles, then discuss them, social and political impact and all that so I totally love all that stuff. He also makes breakfast for me every time I stay over and treats me like a princess, something I would never expect from someone based on his looks - like he could be this tough arrogant guy but he gets all soft and emotional and I really go crazy over that, doesn't try to act like someone he's not to impress me, which a lot of guys do and I"m so sick of.

 

Also whenever I am slightly not feeling well, he acts like he's an RN or something, will go to the store to get me asprin or tampons or ANYTHING in the middle of the night even though I'm like don't worry about it, like caring in a way I've never been cared for, without being afraid to show too much feelings. He'll get me little things like a CD or on weekends he'll get me the WSJ weekend edition, my favorite magazines and a lot of reading material to last the whole weekend. (The only other person who has done that for me was a professor I kinda dated in college

 

SO....he's not all around a monster, but when he recently contacted me to be back together, literally begging, the next time we saw each other, he talked about how they may be evicting everyone from his apartment to tear it down to convert to condos and he was concerned that with rents higher everywhere else, and his job paying less, he wouldn't be able to afford anything decent. I own many houses that I rent out, and just last month purchased an awesome place just 3 miles from where he lives, that I am seeking a tennant to rent out to, so that's another guilt thing where I"m tempted to say "hey why don't you move in it"...

 

so now you can see how I am terribley struggling - on the one hand he's the perfect partner, on the other, the bad things are giving me that gut feeling to run in the opposite direction, so I am SO torn, you can't imagine I am thinking and thinking and thinking nonstop all this time...even though I THOUGHT I was ready to talk, again I avoided his call and haven't called back. I just emailed that I am not feeling too well and will be going to bed early tonight and maybe go to church with my family tomorrow so it's not like I"m playing any games giving him the silent treatment, I just don't know what direction to take things....

 

THANKS for listening...there I am spilling my guts out lol

[tikigods]

I find it intresting that he knows you have money, he comes begging to get you back and then you find out that he might need get SOMEHOW *hint hint* find more money for rent.

 

Reading your post the cons outweight the good, the things he does aren't anything that I think most people would expcet their sig others to do for them, and nothing that stands out as something special.

 

You also say you have complaints but won't talk about it cause he won't have it? What sort of relationship is that when you can't even share your feelings with him cause he won't let you?

 

This is going to be a broken record for you, but I don't think its sinking in for you that this guy and this relationship are no good, and no one on this board, or anyone else you chat to about this is going to tell you differently.

 

You need out of this, how many times are we going to have to say it? Be a strong person and kick him to the curb

[aleatoryd]

Happpy Easter everyone. I'm sorry, I was really tired last night and completely forgot about how he doesn't let you see his family. That is the weidest thing I ever heard. I'm sorry but if a guy loved his girlfriend he would want to show her off - you'd be his screen saver and he'd have photos of the two of you everywhere.

 

Sure there are reasons why initially I wouldn't necessarily introduce a girlfriend to my family but that would be more because I wanted to get to know them better and more be more serious. However I believe how a person gets on with their family to give a vital insight into what they are like as a person - and I don't mean just telling you about them. He should be inviting you to every family occaison.

 

I'm glad you balanced this whole thing by explaining what he does do. So he isn't such a bad guy when he wants to be. Big deal - he plays the part and does what he needs to but the circumstances of you getting back together sound way to suspicious. He is manipulating you. As I said above most real men have pride (stubborn I know) and wouldn't like to mention debts etc unless we were really desperate and I wouldn't take money off someone the way he is. Loans if the situations bad maybe but this guy sounds like you raised his lifestyle up and now he has become addicted to living at a higher class.

 

He's making YOU feel guilty/to blame about his cheating? If he loved you he wouldn't act the way he has - I think maybe in his way he loves you but his view of things are skewed. I've known violent and abusive guys who have acted the way he sounds. One guy owes my housemate money from when they lived together and he is convinced that because my friend has spent the last 3 months trying to get him the bill that he is out of order and the guy feels "justified" not to pay him and this guy has a reputation for owing people and not paying. He is also a Christian like me but his solution is to blame others and move churches.

 

This guy makes his girlfriend buy him meals out and he throws violent temper tantrums where he generally throws rugby ballls, books and stuff at the wall and occaisonallly at his girlfriend. He is a pathological liar convinced that everything is other peoples fault. No offence but your guy sounds like maybe less violent but certainly still rather crazy and convinced you are to blame - why because it makes him feel less guilty that he is going to use you constantly. Walk away.

[lindya]

Good qualities why I put up with the bad - we can have very long conversations on all the topics under the sun - from politics to philosophy and that is SO enriching and rewarding, I really don't know too many people close to me I can talk to like that. On a daily basis we email various newspaper articles, then discuss them, social and political impact and all that so I totally love all that stuff. He also makes breakfast for me every time I stay over and treats me like a princess, something I would never expect from someone based on his looks - like he could be this tough arrogant guy but he gets all soft and emotional and I really go crazy over that, doesn't try to act like someone he's not to impress me, which a lot of guys do and I"m so sick of.

 

Also whenever I am slightly not feeling well, he acts like he's an RN or something, will go to the store to get me asprin or tampons or ANYTHING in the middle of the night even though I'm like don't worry about it, like caring in a way I've never been cared for, without being afraid to show too much feelings. He'll get me little things like a CD or on weekends he'll get me the WSJ weekend edition, my favorite magazines and a lot of reading material to last the whole weekend. (The only other person who has done that for me was a professor I kinda dated in college

 

I can see why you'd get hooked on someone who does those things ...especially if you haven't felt so cared for before. I think this guy has a very good notion of what your basic needs and core beliefs about yourself are. That places him in an excellent position to meet your needs sometimes. Not enough to leave you feeling genuinely happy, secure and contented , but sufficiently to create moments of intense happiness and pleasure that are keeping you hooked into this situation. Is he doing it deliberately? Well - there do seem to be a lot of guys out there who are obsessed with the idea of "playing" women, and using various textbooks to help them hone their techniques. From the way you've described this guy, I don't think it's a long shot to think he might be one of them.

 

Also, I've got a nagging suspicion about this whole camera business, and it just won't go away. It increased when you said that you were outbid for the camera - then the "winner" of the auction pulled out and the seller contacted you offering it. Why would he do that? Didn't you say that bidding closed much higher than your final offer...and if so, what happened to all the other interested parties?

 

This just doesn't feel right to me at all - and never having used online auctions, I'm not quite sure how they operate...but I'd say that if there's any way you can track down the identity of the seller, and find out if he has any sort of connection with your bf, you should do it. I know I'm a hopeless cynic, but I'm depressed to say the feelings of cynicism I have tried to quash about certain people or situations very often turn out to be sound. Some people out there would sell their own grandmother for cash, and those people don't have warning stickers on their foreheads. In fact, they're usually very charming....mainly because charm is their primary tool in trade.

 

You love this guy, he's behaving strangely, it's leaving you feeling terrible. Other than being sweet and nurturing from time to time, he's not given you a huge number of reasons to trust him. You've got the cash to get him checked out discreetly but thoroughly, and I'd really urge you to go for that option, however well you think you know him. It'll either put your mind at rest or confirm your doubts and enable you to make a clear decision about this relationship.

[Mary3]

It has taken everything I have in me to have some RESTRAINT on telling you what I think of this class act JERK !

 

I wanted immediately to post but had to go through all the letters here .

 

So many people care about you here. So many !

 

I know you are generous by nature. I know you give and are not aware really how much you give. I had a boyfriend like that. I NEVER met anyone so very generous. So I understand your generosity completely.

 

* But * I question this particular amount of giving that you do. I smell fear and abandonment in you. As long as you wear what he says , buy what he says , do what he says , you feel relief that he will hang around.

 

Him telling you " Dont lecture me " ( or his words of choice ) when you try to tell him your feelings is DISREPECTFUL

 

I have NEVER known a man to accept or ASK for gifts. It just isn't done. Its TACKY ! Most men will wave off even a birthday present. Men don't feel that comfortable receiving gifts.

 

I HOPE you continue to post and let us know the next tactic he has planned.

 

I am going to tell you my gut instinct. He has used you all along. You are easy target. You are Prey. He found you. Its not mistake. No matter WHAT he says its all for his own benefit.

 

How come you have not spent significant time with his family ?

 

Something is WRONG here.

 

Here's what I would say " You know George ( fill in name ) I feel like an ATM machine of sorts. I am not going to be buying you anything more because to tell the truth I am broke . Business ventures and bad investments have left me depleted. You will just have to love me for me. Oh by the way , Can I borrow $ 50 ??? "

[justagirliegirl]

Mary3, I love what you had to tell him.

 

Yes the guy is a gold digger.

 

My bf makes about 20% of what I do. He has never ever asked me for a dime. I tried to give him some money when he really needed it and he refused.

 

We don't have money issues because I don't make it about money. I know his situation and it is fine with me. When we get together for good, he will benefit from being with me. I don't see a problem with that. Women have benefited from a man's wealth for centuries.

[aleatoryd]

I have NEVER known a man to accept or ASK for gifts. It just isn't done. Its TACKY ! Most men will wave off even a birthday present. Men don't feel that comfortable receiving gifts.

 

^^^^ Lol! Appart from all the other obvious signs that he's using you - and lindya has a good point. I have used auction sites such as e-bay and trust me fixing bids is a common tactic - you use fake accounts or accomplices to bid a genuine buyer up and either 1) let them win at a high amount 2) pull out and let them buy as 2nd highest bidder 3) if your reserve wasn't met at least you've won it yourself ands can resell it again. IMHO there is something very suspect about this whole auction thing - what if it was just to get money?

 

Also maybe I'm wrong but how many people would compete so much for a high end camera when there will always be another on sale lower or even at an online shop. Unless the items rare (hard to source), a bargain (clearly not at the price you've mentioned), or special (e.g. signed memorabilia) then there's seems little advantage to buy from auctions. What if he bought it himself and decided that he couldn't afford it but you could - another way to extort money.

 

For christmas I get socks, maybe a random CD/book and other miscellaneous items. I'm (supposedly!) a man - everything I want I either buy or save up for myself. It's not I don't respect women... it's completely unwomen related I wouldn't ask anyone for a specific gift. I like to be independent and if I can't afford what I want well that's life I get on with it and I certainly try my best to more than repay any gifts I get with like items.