Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 But I really don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation... As far as feeling guilty that you ask about, it's just that I feel like he is depending on me, the person he loves, to get him something he reallly wants, so it's like I have that power and ability, so when I left home knowing that i had been outbid again without placing a higher bid, and knowing the auction would end while i knew I would still be driving, it made me feel very guilty to be doing something like that. Now that some time has passed, I'm scared if I overreacted and he is going to think I am mistreating him by saying I would get it but in the end not. He usually emails me after at least noon has passed, but he had sent 2 emails between 10-11am. He sends newspaper articles that we read and discuss, and one of them in this instance had to do with auctions so it was like he was hinting maybe or reminding me because by that time I had already been outbid!!! SO just like I blew him off last night by not talking, I avoided responding to his emails because I just don't know how to approach this whole business with him. It is the fact that it is a camera itself just as much as anything else that is bothering me. I don't know if I would be reacting this way if he wanted a pricey set of tennis rackets or whatever, but it is making me question his intentions. I'm just scared if I am wrong about this whole thing, that he may just be asking on top of really loving me for me and my behavior might be doing some damage. SO maybe you can help me see things more clearly. Do I tell him it is bothering me that he wants me to buy a camera, or that he wants me to buy something for him period or both or just say I was too busy to place another bid or ???? I hope I can get help soon because I have to talk to him sooner or later, avoiding him is making things more stressful!!!!! ughhhh.... The last email he sent was after the auction ended on something totally unrelated, and maybe I should've at least responded acknowleding we lost the auction instead of completely ignoring the whole thing because it is causing tension but i just don't know what to say and don't want to blow things...
tikigods Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 To put it blunt, it doesn't sound like he loves you, it sounds like he is using you. He doesn't NEED this camera or else he is going to die, in fact he has gotten along well in life without said Camera. Again tell him the truth, avoiding him and doing all of this excuse making only proves that you know in your heart that this isn't a good relationship and you should be out of it, you just don't want to admit it to the rest of the world. You need to get out of this situation, dump him and leave him and gather yourself up and make yourself a better person, you are going to feel so much better if you do acuse right now all of this stress is something you are generating for yourself. HE IS USING YOU, and he will conintue to do so cause he knows he can walk all over you, and you jsut let him, you ahve doormat tattooed to your forehead, and do you really want to go threw life that way?
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 I would just flat out say that you do not want to spend that much on a camera. Perhaps he will worry that it is because you do not love him as much as you once did (when you were willing to drop more cash) and start treating you a little better. I am thinking this is the best advice, as long as I can keep my mouth shut about all the details and just leave it at not wanting to spend too much on a camera and he will have more respect for me? I am hoping he really does love me.
brightskies Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 You're beautiful, you're wealthy and you seem like a kind, caring person. You have so much going for you. Why cast your pearls before swine? As much as you think you love this guy, your love should be reciprocal. And based on your history with him, and even how things are currently unfolding, it's definitely a one-way street and only in his favor. Your gut is telling you to protect yourself with good reason. The signs are all there: he's taking advantge of you. Don't let him! I can relate to your guilt. With my bf at the time, I got into the habit of buying pricey presents and paying for trips because I could afford it and I wanted to make him happy. But eventually I realized, this was a subtle form of control and "buying his love," i.e., trying to make him like me more by giving him stuff. Like someone else said, this doesn't work, and the guy just ends up taking you for granted. It wouldn't be an issue if you did this only very occasionally (as a very special treat, not a habit) and if you were getting your needs met. But you clearly aren't, and you aren't feeling consistently safe and loved in this relationship. Please re-read all the advice posted and remind yourself that you're deserving of so much better. Don't be afraid of losing him -- he hasn't been good to you! And he STILL isn't! There's so much proof against him: The fact that he's a photographer and doesn't care to take your photos. The way he lied and cheated. The way he tried to control you. The way he used to spend his limited resources on some other girl but expected you to cover all the costs when you went out with him. The fact that he doesn't involve you with his family, especially when he seems so close to them! Staying with him is selling yourself way too short. You've got so much to offer, don't waste it on this guy! And the next time around, expect to be treated well; don't allow/teach a guy to use you. Keep reminding yourself that you don't need to settle for crumbs when you CAN have a happy relationship with someone else who actually cares about YOU. Seriously, there is a good man out there for you who is not a user, who won't lie and cheat and make you feel so low.
Touche Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I am thinking this is the best advice, as long as I can keep my mouth shut about all the details and just leave it at not wanting to spend too much on a camera and he will have more respect for me? I am hoping he really does love me. Yes, I agree that was the best advice too. You don't have to say anything more. And his actions after that will give you your answers. Like I've said this is very simple. His actions WILL determine if he's in it for love or not. I guy who really loves you won't sweat this. He might be disappointed but he'll still be around and attentive..one who is just using you, will stop getting in touch and will suddenly be not so available. Don't worry, you'll have your answers soon. Just don't get defensive or make excuses or anything concerning this auction. All you have to say is that it was higher than you were willing to go. Period and end of story. You don't owe him any more than that.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I think you should tell him that you don't want to spend that much on a camera. Then, I'd be very careful about watching his actions in the future, looking for any signs of him using you. HCG- have you ever thought about the fact that you may be co-dependent? I'm not trying to be mean, but your reactions to this guy sound alot like it. You almost sound like you're terrified to tell him what you think because you're afraid of him leaving you- and no one should feel afraid to speak their mind in a relationship. It's almost like you're paralyzed by the thoughts of not being with him, which isn't healthy.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Actually she sounds like I did when I was in an abusive relationship. Which is guess is exactly like codependency. When you get to a point in a relationship where you do not like who you've become, it's time to take a step back.
Touche Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Yes, and also when you get to a point where you're too scared to speak your mind because you're afraid of the repercussions, you should also step back. If he REALLY loves you and you spoke your mind, he'd say "Don't give it another thought. I understand. You're worth more to me than any camera." Any other response other than that one, will tell you that he's using you. But then many of us already recognize that he is. If your speaking your mind makes him walk away then the love wasn't/isn't there. He'd want to prove to you that he's NOT using you if he really loved you, I think.
Walk Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Take a deep breath... this has really gotten you stressed out. I'm sorry it's affecting you so deeply. My bf asked me to buy him an item on ebay. It was a video game (I don't have much money at all, so it was rather expensive for me.) We didn't discuss paying back before hand either. I got outbid, and I didn't feel comfortable placing another bid because it was quite a lot higher then I had expected for an item like this. After the auction closed, I told him I had gotten outbid. His reaction, he hadn't known the price was going to be so high, and he was glad I hadn't bid more on the item just to get it for him. I'm advocating truth and honesty. Frankly, you're going to continue harboring doubts about this relationship until you get all your concerns out on the table and have them addressed. You know it's more then just the price of the camera. It's his lack of interest in including you in his interests and hobbies too. You front the money, he exludes you from what's important in his life. I think you need to lay it all on the line this time. You could temper your words so they aren't accusatory, but don't down play your feelings simply to avoid confrontation. As far as feeling guilty that you ask about, it's just that I feel like he is depending on me, the person he loves, to get him something he reallly wants, so it's like I have that power and ability, so when I left home knowing that i had been outbid again without placing a higher bid, and knowing the auction would end while i knew I would still be driving, it made me feel very guilty to be doing something like that. You already did as he asked, you placed the bid. At a price that was substantially more then you had initially expected. So you'd already gone out of your way to provide what he wanted. At this point, you are not denying him anything "just because". You attempt to get it. At what point do you stop? At what point do you say this is too much money? Maybe this would make more sense... My ex asked me to put a down payment on a house he wanted to build. $25,000. It was money I'd been saving for retirement, but I felt like I was denying him his dream if I denied him this. However, he then asked for more and more and more.... the point is, just because I had it available, did not mean he deserved it. Nor should I have given it to him. If he really wanted those things, he was more then capable of putting in the effort to earn the money himself. And if not, then he needed to have less expensive tastes. The important things in life are not about money, and unfortunately many people believe they are. (having a bigger camera when the old one works just fine...) Now that some time has passed, I'm scared if I overreacted and he is going to think I am mistreating him by saying I would get it but in the end not. He usually emails me after at least noon has passed, but he had sent 2 emails between 10-11am. He sends newspaper articles that we read and discuss, and one of them in this instance had to do with auctions so it was like he was hinting maybe or reminding me because by that time I had already been outbid!!! You are NOT mistreating him by not getting this camera for him. He wasn't upfront with you on the price of it to begin with, you were led to believe that it was not as expensive as it is turning out to be. You placed a bid that was more then you were comfortable bidding in order to make him happy. You're going out of your way to give this boy his toys, and if he honestly believes your mistreating him by not giving it to him, then he is an incredibly spoiled little child. Adults understand money does have value, and that if we want something we have to give something up. Either time, money, hard work, something.. He hasn't given anythign up in order for you to get this for him, nor have any of his emails suggeste he will do this. Only some articles to hint or remind you to keep shelling out more money. I'm just scared if I am wrong about this whole thing, that he may just be asking on top of really loving me for me and my behavior might be doing some damage. Although I highly doubt he's asking innocently for this camera on top of loving you.... I'll entertain this idea for a moment. If this is the case, then if you are unable to purchase it for him, there shouldnt' be a problem. Also, I would think there would be more gratitude from him now as far as your effort on placing the bid. Wouldnt' there be more open communication by him on how he would understand if the cost was too high, or if you couldn't get it for him? That he would mention it in a way to let you know that he understands if you are unable to get it for him. Also, I think he would've been more upfront on the cost of the camera prior to getting you to agree to purchase it. AND... unless you wish to continue feeling taken advantage of, some boundaries will have to be drawn. It's good to buy your SO gifts once in a while, but there should be a limit. Expensive gifts should be reserved for special occasion. But to buy something "just because" can lead to being taken for granted really quickly. So even if he is asking innocently (which I highly doubt), it is important to set limits and boundaries for this. Otherwise you are enabling him to take advantage of you and you are just as responsible for it as he is.
RecordProducer Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I'm not sure what you mean by this...he already has a camera - a large professional one... I meant that he was probably thinking long time ago about YOU buying him another camera. I think he expected you to do it without him asking you. That's why he didn't take pictures of you, because he was silently angry at you for not thinking of that idea yourself. So when he realized that you're not buying him one, he decided to ask you flat out whether you will buy it. I think you should confront him about this openly. You need to tell him that you don't feel comfortable being used for big purchases and that you don't want to buy him things now or in the future. If he really loves you, he will apologize and everything will be ok. But if he turns it into a big fight and a reason for a break-up then you'll know that he ditched you as soon as he realized he's not getting anything from you.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 don't allow/teach a guy to use you. That's an interesting quote, like i have the ability to not allow it to happen instead of falling victim to it..hmmm. You almost sound like you're terrified to tell him what you think because you're afraid of him leaving you I have to admit that's true...I always have to keep my mouth shut - mind you i'm am not close to that way with anyone else - i don't know why i'm so scared to speak up to him:o So here is what happened...he called last night but again i was not ready to talk, I finally called him back. Not until almost an hour passed by did I be the one to bring up the auction! It wa like an elephant in the room or whatever that saying is, and I was surprised he didn't bring it up immediately, to at least thank me for placing the bid (I stopped bidding when it passed $810 and it closed much higher than that). I said something like "it's too bad we lost on our auction." And he acted dumb like he didn't know it had ended and we had lost!!! (We were on the phone when placing it so he saw my user ID, he's the one who gave me the item# so I'm sure he was tracking it!!!). That pissed me off, I don't like games and being put through all these emotions the past couple of days. So he did end up saying something like thanks for bidding and that was the end of that. I then was talking about the rest of my day and stuff, like how I had to cancel a trip out of town, I am looking to buy another property for myself. He never wants to accompany me on these trips, he limits the participation in my life, and me in his but we spend so much time together that I don't get why this is the case. So now my heart is racing because now that he knows my user ID on that auction site, he can see the stuff I bid on right? So I was going through it this morning, and saw a sleezy book some old photographer has written about how to find women to take pictures of, who will practically throw their clothes off for you in your own living room, no need to have a studio...all that garbage, stuff I feel inside when I see his "art" pictures...The description says stuff like "get more ass than a toilet seat! How can you not? You're going to be spending hours with beautiful show-offs and they feel so sexy when they're showing off! If you're the nearest guy when they get in the mood, guess what's going to happen?!!" and it basically tells you how to trick girls into getting nude pictures of them, costing less than spending money at a club, they'll be coming to you for you to take pictures and will do anything for you and all this stuff... Well, I just placed a bid on it!! ha! I'm so scared, maybe I'll retract it before he sees it? But I don't want him to think my head is in the sand and feel like I'm supposed to jump at the opportunity to buy him a camera. Maybe he'll understand where I'm coming from. Whenever I want to speak my mind or complain about anything, he cuts me off because he doesn't like drama he says, so I'm supposed to put up with everything and now I have so much pent up anger on so many issues, even from our last time around, that I am going crazy and at the same time scared I'll lose him if I don't approach things in the right way, giving thought to every action and word I'll say...not fun. I meant that he was probably thinking long time ago about YOU buying him another camera. I think he expected you to do it without him asking you. That's why he didn't take pictures of you, because he was silently angry at you for not thinking of that idea yourself. So when he realized that you're not buying him one, he decided to ask you flat out whether you will buy it. You are probably right. In the past he has said he wants a nicer camera and it didn't cross my mind he'd expect me to buy one. He did last year ask that I buy a camera manual for his camera...it cost about $20 and was discontinued. Even that I was like can't he buy it himself? Maybe he was hinting at buying a whole new camera? lol that is nuts!!! Or do I not pick up on things...I just don't know what to do at this point, and I'm scared of what he'll think of the item I placed a bid on!!!! Thanks for all of your support. Everyone thinks I am in this fairy tale relationship!!!!!!!!!!! and I have to keep up my strong and happy appearance...but i am dying inside.
RecordProducer Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 So I was going through it this morning, and saw a sleezy book some old photographer has written about how to find women to take pictures of, who will practically throw their clothes off for you in your own living room, no need to have a studio...all that garbage, stuff I feel inside when I see his "art" pictures...The description says stuff like "get more ass than a toilet seat! How can you not? You're going to be spending hours with beautiful show-offs and they feel so sexy when they're showing off! If you're the nearest guy when they get in the mood, guess what's going to happen?!!" and it basically tells you how to trick girls into getting nude pictures of them, costing less than spending money at a club, they'll be coming to you for you to take pictures and will do anything for you and all this stuff OK, now get these things off your mind cuz not all people are the same, whether they are photographers or doctors or pilots. Photographers are not pimps and I've dealt with sleezy ones and nice one. The sleazy one was a fashion photographer and the nice one was taking pictures of nude girls too. He was very professional. (no, I've never had taken any nude photos by anyone.) This is about him asking money from you and don't forget that. Leave the jealousy in the closet cuz this time it's really irrelevant. I say he is using you, but I am not saying this is the only one reason he is with you for. But you need to make sure that you don't buy him any pricey goods in the future so you can be sure that his love is real. All in all he sounds like an ass to me. The 'no drama' thing is also a control issue he has.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 you're right RP I shouldn't let my imagination take off and get jealous over something in my head about what he could take pics of... he hasn't called or emailed once this entire day - he has never done that since we got back together:(
mental_traveller Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 What are you, his girlfriend or his rich aunt? I would have a hard time respecting a guy who asks his girlfriend to buy him a 2 grand camera. I don't know the full situation, but my gut feel is that you are being taken for a ride. Saying that it's a "test" of some sort is the most charitable explanation I can think of. Look, most men would feel really hesitant about asking their girlfriend to buy them anything at all (apart from birthday presents etc of nominal value). It just goes against the grain of male independence and provider status. Heck, I feel uncomfortable even when my gf gets me a gift unprompted. So this is really suspicious IMO. The fact that you've only been back together 3 weeks is also a bad sign. And let's face it, how often do 2nd chances work out? Not that often, in my experience.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Maybe I led him on, by always buying him other things so again I feel like I shouldn't have held out on this at this point because I didn't know it would upset him, if that's the reason he's not contacting me. I even emailed him last night - I can't believe I haven't heard from him in over a day...I feel so broken up now, this is crazy. I wish I knew what was going through his head.
Art_Critic Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 by always buying him other things so again I feel like I shouldn't have held out on this at this point because I didn't know it would upset him, if that's the reason he's not contacting me. If you have to buy it HCG it isn't love your buying.. If he will only be your friend/lover if you purchase him things or pay his way then it isn't a relationship worthy of you.
tikigods Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 HCG, I bet you I can tell you what is going threw his head. "Man she wouldn't dish out the cash to buy me something !!! Im not going to talk to her so that she will feel bad so she will keep buying things for me, then I will be nice to her again, cause I am just using her to get stuff and I know that I will get it eventually cause she feels like she needs to be with me for some reason!!" Let it go, the camera was the important thing to him, not you
Lishy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 This is so hurtful for you HCG! I am so sorry you are going through this! The fact he has not called for a day may not mean anything ... Time will tell! Women and men use money/sex/affection to get what they want and to also feel loved and wanted. It happens everywhere in the world! People are screwed up and there are alot of people out there willing to take huge advantage of this! My advice would be not to contact him again (hard to do) and leave it up to him ... Then you will get your answer Oh and hon next time he asks you to buy him something tell him you are not his mum and to save and buy it for himself! Dont be no sugar mamma!
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Well, he asked if I would buy him something before telling me what and of course I said yes, thinking it could be a cd or a book...but now i guess i have to say "depends"!! I had emailed him last night that I hadn't heard from him all day...so he just now finally writes back, and what does he say? That he's having computer problems! He has a wifi laptop, 2 desktop computers and a sidekick - all have internet/email capability. I just can't friggin believe this is happening. And can't he like pick up the phone? He used to call me at least 3 times, sometimes more throughout the day!!! His email was like barely a whole sentence but it did say talk to you later... so i have no idea if he plans to see me tonight/this weekend, how to schedule my day and weekend...this is BS and I'm so hurt and pissed off... And I will admit I got his email just as i was surfing the net for a similar camera to purchase. I am hoping for the best scenerio - that I will not buy no more and he will still be with me, as much as he will hate it on his end, just as I hate this whole situation too....thnx for all the encouragement not to cave in.
Art_Critic Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 so i have no idea if he plans to see me tonight/this weekend, how to schedule my day and weekend... STOP right there... You cannot by his love... Why do you think that if you buy the camera that he will be okay to be around ??
Lishy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Hey babe what makes you fele you have to buy love? Is this how your parents were? I had a friend whose mum never said I love you to her, just bought her things! She has turned out that she shows you how much you mean to her by buying you things! I keep telling her I do not need a gift for her to say she loves me I just need her as a friend! STOP buying things for him period! Dont even buy him a CD Love is NOT built around material possesions and I am sure you know in your heart that this guy does not love you or you would not feel like this! Be strong!!!!!!!!!!
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Now this is getting a little deep... First off, I don't think it's possible for someone to fake love and I have felt he loves me, but going deeper now that you guys are bringing up buying material things to show love... I myself have been accused of showing love through buying things but have never given it a whole minutes thought, just brushed it off. For example, my brother is significantly younger than me and we have not had the opportunity to spend time together, whenever he'd contact me I would just send money and I heard from my sisters that he'd get upset about it and grew distant towards me. I thought that would keep him happy since I wasn't there for him. As far as my family, my parents have never said i love you, i was practically raised by a nanny so I don't know if as a result I myself expess how I feel by buying things for people? I can see a pattern of it now, so I guess when it became an ITEM (not price or the fact he asked me for something which he always does) just the fact that it was a camera, I started to flip out and now everyone is pointing that he is using me but now you bring a better point, maybe I do this to myself, I always buy things for people... ALl i know is that I am feeling terribly hurt right now...I have to step back and one thing I've learned on LS is to look into myself too and not just point a finger at the other person...let me try to see where he's coming from, thanks to how I've been towards him? ughh i don't know..am i trying to find excuses? I just can't handle what is going down.
Lishy Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 What you are doing (regarding the buying affection) is part nature, part nurture. It's pure learned behavoir and it is solely down to how you have been raised! You show your bf how much you love him by buying things for him and he accepts your gifts and even asks for more because he is a prick! But he is a prick at your making! He is only doing what he is allowed to do and the trouble you face now is how he reacts when he realises his ship has left the port! He may see you not buying him things as you dont love him as this is the way you have always shown your love! But you cant give into it ... You will end up feeling worthless! I am so sorry for you HCG but you never know, he may surprise you!
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 wow, i totally get the whole thing now...you guys are awesome, thank you@!
2sunny Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 HCG- Does this guy hold a job? Is he responsible with the money he does earn? If he is, then he can save up for a big ticket item such as this. It is one thing for a gal to share a dinner tab as time goes along, but another thing when someone "expects" it! It really does take all the fun out of the relationship when you have to question a person's motives... HIS are VERY questionable... Stay strong, you deserve better than this guy, he's using you and manipulating you big time!
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