RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 He has never taken professional pictures of me and I'm very photogenic. We take pictures of things or people we find interesting, right? Painters draw their lovers, I composed two songs especially for my husband while we were still dating. I don't think his love is real. But what worries me most is that you're too spineless for your own good. You've had this problem with indulging men before too when some guy made you stop working out and dressing up so you don't look too sexy. You should learn to say "no", honey! And if people walk away because you're not their genie from a bottle, you should consider they did you a favor. Something is not better than nothing when it comes to love!
Walk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think she's trying very hard not to see the negative in this guy. My ex used me for my money, and I hardly had any. Always wanting to buy the next coolest thing. Never quite had the money for it. Couldnt' save for it. He used my credit to buy a 200 disk cd changer when they first came out. (few hundred dollars) Even though we already had a 6 disk changer. But he didn't have the money, and only after we had gotten to the store and finalized the deal did he ask if I would use my credit to pay for it. He wouldn't talk to me up front about prices, only about how badly he wanted something all the time. He wanted to buy a new/used truck. He spent hours and weeks seraching and talking about it... after I asked how he was going to fund it, he said he was getting a loan to cover it. I'd told him I was tired of always being the one paying for everything. We went to the dealer so he could sign the loan paperwork, and pick up the truck. The salesman asks for the downpayment of a few thousand that my ex had promised him. The ex looks at me, and then asks "Honey, do you mind?" My ex assumed our money was his money. We pooled the money, and he spent it. He honestly never saw anything wrong in what he was doing. No matter how much I "talked" to him about it, he never changed. I kept making excuses for his behavior. But really he just used me for my money and didn't care if I didn't get something I wanted, or if it hurt me emotionally. Although he pretended to care really well. Let this guy know big ticket items are off limits, anything over $100 or so. You're setting yourself up for a life of being used for your money. There's a difference between helping your SO out of a bind, like if they get hurt and can't pay the rent or something. Or if you want to take a vacation and want him along, but otherwise a relationship means both people give. What are you really getting back from him? Where is the extreme effort on his part? So he buys you a trinket every once in a while. It's not about the money, but where is he showing you that you are the most important person in his world? Not through his actions. Anyway, My experience is that if a guy is asking for expensive items without returning the effort or cost, then he has no respect for you. And if there's no respect, then there's no real love.
tikigods Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Anyway, My experience is that if a guy is asking for expensive items without returning the effort or cost, then he has no respect for you. And if there's no respect, then there's no real love. I couldn't agree more with that statement. This isn't a healthy thing you have here, he expects you to idsh out all of this cash and you feel bad if you don't? Thats not true love, I think you need to realize that if he did love and respect you he would want you more in his personal life, and not just there to buy him shiney new toys. Save your money, as you can see everyone here thinks that this is a bad thing for you to be in. He has hurt you before, I think its time to grow a spine and tell him that he can easily save up money if he didn't blow it on things. Its not a gift if someone asks you for it flat out, you are his sugar mamma, is that all you ever want to be?
Vertex Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Just simply say it's a little pricey for you right now, and that you'd be willing to get him something cheaper if that would work for you. You're not obligated to buy anything, but it's a way to lower the price tag to see if he still tries to get you to buy the higher-priced item. If he is relentless still then he may be using you. If you really want to cut to the chase, tell him you simply you won't buy it, and leave it at that. If he gets pissed over it and this results in a breakup, then it was for the better.
Touche Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Big red flag to me that its only been 3 weeks and already he is asking you to buy him expensive things? Story time! My friend is dating a professional photographer, and even in the first few weeks of dating was taking tons of pictures of her, what does that tell you about him? And the facat he has no intrest in having you meet his family? Money is something that should be concedered in a relationship, and that fact that you feel like you HAVE to spend the cash on him is a very bad sign, you need to stop making excuses for him, don't buy him the camera, if he gets mad then that just PROVES he just is using you. you keep saying that he knows you have the cash and that it would be okay for you to buy it, but I also know that we have 4k in our bank account right now, that doesn't mean I am going to ask my husband to buy me something that much (and even if the never chance I did expect him to buy it for me) This is bad news for you. I think you need to get out before you spend anymore time or money oin him EXACTLY as I see it! The fact that you can afford it and he knows it, is totally irrelevant. You keep bringing that up for some reason. Also it IS low class for him to have asked. You were broken up and not back together that long. It's really nervy. I don't see it as just that he's comfortable with you and thinks he can ask. WHY are you having so much trouble just saying you can't go up higher anymore and oh too bad...wish I could have helped? You'll KNOW whether on the phone or in person from his reaction, AND from his actions after that whether he's using you. Plain and simple. Don't complicate this. Sounds like you already know the answer though but just don't want to find out.
Walk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 EXACTLY as I see it! The fact that you can afford it and he knows it' date=' is totally irrelevant. You keep bringing that up for some reason.[/quote'] I think I can understand her feelings on this... when you have the resources available, and it's not a strain on you to provide something your SO wants or needs, then I normally want to give them whatever it is. BUT... I had to learn the hard way that even though I may have more than enough to share, it doesn't entitle my SO to it. Especially if I'm not being included in the rest of his life.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 We take pictures of things or people we find interesting, right? Painters draw their lovers, I composed two songs especially for my husband while we were still dating. I don't think his love is real. That makes a lot of sense and that is something I want to tell him without sounding childish about it, but it has always bothered me about him, looking at all his albums and pictures, including his friends wives and children and just about everyone except me and now he wants me to buy him a camera?!!! It is making me so depressed now. But what worries me most is that you're too spineless for your own good. You've had this problem with indulging men before too when some guy made you stop working out and dressing up so you don't look too sexy. this is the same person RP. We got back together. Plain and simple. Don't complicate this. Sounds like you already know the answer though but just don't want to find out. I've spent much more on him in the past and no i didn't know the answer, it was the first time i questioned being used, resulting from the sinking feeling I had in my stomach that I couldn't ignore, and now with all the feedback I am coming to realize the answer which is in fact very hurtful. At this point, now that I have the answer I was looking for, I have to decide how to approach the whole thing. First I am not placing more bids, second I have to tell him why. I think the suggestion to flat out say I don't want to make a purchase above the amount I placed the bid on will be good enough. I'm not going to BS I can't afford it or make other excuses he will know is lying, but simply it's my money and I don't want to buy it. If he's not using me, I don't think I would've had the reaction I had and would've have only been bothered by the fact that it is a camera. The combination of the two is really difficult to take in. I feel so down now, just when things SEEMED to be going well:o thanks for all the help so i could see things straight. I wonder if I should use this as an opportunity to bring up how he never takes pictures of me. Maybe I could tell him somebody else has offered to take pictures of me? or is that playing games...i'm just so hurt right now. The fact that you can afford it and he knows it, is totally irrelevant. You keep bringing that up for some reason. I only bring it up to help put things in perspective for you to know where I'm coming from. If someone asks you to buy a cup of coffee, you don't read into any motives behind it. I've spent a lot on him before so financiallly it has not been an issue, except now with the combination of the timing of getting back together, the item in question and the feeling I got made me question things...that's all.
alphamale Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 What do you guys think? any man who needs a woman to buy him stuff is not a real man. this guy is a leech. i've never asked any woman to buy me anything because I did not have the money (except when i was small and asked my mom, but that doesn't count). this guy is a pussy.
tikigods Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 heh Alpha whenever anyone asks my husband what he wants for a gift giving holiday he replies "I don't need anything I buy everything I want!" But HotCali, I would bet good money that he is only being nice to you so you will get him stuff. Don't play the game with him about picture taking, and tell him the truth as to why you don't want to get him the camera. I think you would be much better off finding a guy that likes you for you, not cause you can buy him neat things
Touche Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I just don't get why you're not good enough for him to introduce to his family but he feels "comfortable" enough to ask you to buy him something. I think someone else brought that up but that is KEY here. There's no guessing. His motives are very plain. And now I find out here that he was trying to change you?! This guy is really bad news. Act like a goddess NOT a doormat!
alphamale Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think you would be much better off finding a guy that likes you for you, not cause you can buy him neat things yeah!.....next this guy will be asking HCG to buy him an expensive ring and then a mercedes and then a big house in the hamptons....it'll never end. this is a perfect example of the de-masculization of men....this is rediculous. a man asking a woman to buy him things!!! man: (down on his knees) honey, pleeeeeaaaassee buy me this big ticket item woman: (flailing arms) ok, but you must clean the entire house tomorrow woman: yes...and make me cinnamon rolls for breakfast man: ok, ok, anything honey, you know I love you sooooo much woman: (rolling eyes) fine, I also want oral sex tonite for 45 minutes man: 45 minutes?!? woman: f*** you! take it or leave it. This HD plasma TV is $4,000 man: Ok, I'm emasculated anyways, WTF!
Touche Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I'm with Alpha! Call me old-fashioned (but goddess will do!) A man never asks a woman to buy him things. To be honest though, I've never in ALL my years asked a man to buy ME anything! Like I said, it's SO low class. The guy has "LOSER" written all over him.
cuddlycuddlebum Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I would just flat out say that you do not want to spend that much on a camera. Perhaps he will worry that it is because you do not love him as much as you once did (when you were willing to drop more cash) and start treating you a little better.
RecordProducer Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 man: (down on his knees) honey, pleeeeeaaaassee buy me this big ticket item woman: (flailing arms) ok, but you must clean the entire house tomorrow woman: yes...and make me cinnamon rolls for breakfast man: ok, ok, anything honey, you know I love you sooooo much woman: (rolling eyes) fine, I also want oral sex tonite for 45 minutes man: 45 minutes?!? woman: f*** you! take it or leave it. This HD plasma TV is $4,000 man: Ok, I'm emasculated anyways, WTF! :lmao: This gave me such a hard laugh! It's not about the money FOR YOU, but it is for him. You CAN afford it, but he can't, so he's using you. He could've very well used you even if YOU were offering all kinds of goodies to him, but it's even worse - he is asking for them and expecting you to buy them for him. This won't stop at the camera; his demands will become bigger and more frequent if you don't cut this thing in the root. Actually I think he never took pictures of you, because he was thinking "She didn't buy me a camera so I won't take pics of her. When she buys me one, I will." He probably had this camera in mind long before he asked for it, probably when you were dating before. And he wants to make you feel like you're not beautiful enough for the objective by making you not take care of your looks.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 man: (down on his knees) honey, pleeeeeaaaassee buy me this big ticket item woman: (flailing arms) ok, but you must clean the entire house tomorrow woman: yes...and make me cinnamon rolls for breakfast man: ok, ok, anything honey, you know I love you sooooo much woman: (rolling eyes) fine, I also want oral sex tonite for 45 minutes man: 45 minutes?!? woman: f*** you! take it or leave it. This HD plasma TV is $4,000 man: Ok, I'm emasculated anyways, WTF! :lmao: AAAAaahahahaaaaaaaaaa. This is hilarious.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Well, I kept reading all of your posts over and over again so I could make myself completely convinced at what I don't want to believe is happening and be strong enough to speak up. He called twice around 6pm but I was too angry to talk to him. I was outbid on the auction so I felt I had the upper hand and it was only a matter of time until I told him I didn't want to make the purchase. Then I did the stupidest thing around 10pm I felt guilty and placed another bid (had gone up several hundred from the original). I felt so bad for giving in and doing it that I told myself that if I ended up winning the camera, I would keep it for myself and that plus some painkillers I had to take because this is very hurtful to go through, is the only thing that was making me function. Then at 12:15 at night he texted if I was up, I replied "kinda" as I was laying down and not too crazy to talk to him, thinking about how to handle this whole situation. He called me, but I said I was too tired to talk and that was that. I woke up with that same sinking feeling in my stomach as I read your posts again. It is so hurtful to be going through this, just when I was over him he contacts me and puts on his charm and the whole bit to catch my heart all over again, only now I am more critical and am realizing his intentions so it is very hard to deal with, like i will be facing a break up all over again if it gets to that. In the meantime, the auction is going to end this afternoon and I don't know what to do. I plan all these things to say to him but should he call now to inquire about the auction, I am scared if I chicken out and go with the flow to purchase it, then will feel like the biggest loser in the world for letting him take advantage of me like this. What should I do or say???? I swear you'd never think i was a whimp like this. It is all just too much to deal with when it's actually happening to you.... and I swear of all things a camera? ughhhh
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Actually I think he never took pictures of you, because he was thinking "She didn't buy me a camera so I won't take pics of her. When she buys me one, I will." He probably had this camera in mind long before he asked for it, probably when you were dating before. And he wants to make you feel like you're not beautiful enough for the objective by making you not take care of your looks. I'm not sure what you mean by this...he already has a camera - a large professional one. I remember once he was testing the film, taking random pictures of this and that all the while I was thinking to myself "hello?! I'm right here if you want to maybe snap one of me." And he is putting me through the "no make-up" thing all over again, but he makes me believe it's because he likes me just the way I am, but for a woman it's like taking control away and makes me feel less feminine and powerful...but if it was anything else i don't think I would be reading this much into it maybe, I think the fact that it's a camera and I've seen all the pictures he takes of others and not me, that is the boiling point? I still don't know what's going throough his head...
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I would keep it for myself and that plus some painkillers I had to take because this is very hurtful to go through, is the only thing that was making me function. What is this all about? You do not take painkillers because of emotional pain. Period, end of story. If you do this regularly, you are setting yourself up.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 well, it was the first time i've taken any for non medical reasons and it was to relieve my emotional pain...i know i am sounding pathetic, but i am feeling so bad right now.
blind_otter Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 well, it was the first time i've taken any for non medical reasons and it was to relieve my emotional pain...i know i am sounding pathetic, but i am feeling so bad right now. I understand but never give in to that impulse. Yield not to temptation. It's a slippery slope, since your body becomes dependent on them even without the psychological portion of addiction.
tikigods Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 What you need to do is stand up to this guy! Why are yous cared of him? Do you really hate yourself so much that you are willing to let yourself be used and abused by someone just do you don't have to be alone? Grow a spine and tlel him you aren't going to buy the camera, heck stay away from the computer when the auction is getting near over, why are you allowing him to do this to you?
Lishy Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 WHOA HCG ....... Take a deep breathe and stand back and evaluate the thing that is getting you into this state of mind! This guy tries to control you and he manipulates you into buying him very expensive items ... Money is not an issue with you but this guy is taking the complete piss! Stop getting yourself into this state babe, he is so not worth it! Make another name and go and outbid yourself on this item and forget all about buying this camera - Dont even buy it for yourself. NEVER try to buy a mans affection ... You wont get his affection you will get his BS and lies and deceit! You will feel awful about yourself and it will drag you so low that you will put up with any BS he decides to hand out! What kind of guy who is supposed to love you tells you what make-up or clothes to wear? NO guy should tell you that! NO guy should ask you to buy him ANYTHING! Even for $1, let alone $2000 - This is just ludicrous! You just gave me wonderful advice on a thread I started and you sounded tough and together .... BE that woman baby, be the tough one who is loved for WHO she is and not WHAT she gives! You are wonderful and you deserve to be treated so. This man is not the man for you. The day you realise that and let him go is the day you can begin to find real happiness! Second chances rarely work as the problems are still there! You are not a failure you just chose the wrong guy to fall in love with! Sorry if I have been blunt here sweetie but dry your eyes and brush yourself down and dont be used by ANYONE! We are all here to listen to you honey!
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 thanks for the extra support tiki and lishy...just when i was going to give in then spend the day on painkillers drinking. he had sent two emails this morning...so i ended up leaving to make it to an open house for work, feeling guty knowing i'll bbe in the car whi le the auction ends but i couldn handle it anymore. the whole time im showing the hous talking about the fireplace and this and that my clients have no idea what a basket case i feel inside. he just sent me anoher email i might respond later but it's hard typing from my phone i'll let you guys know what happens when i get home. thnx for not being too judgemental i know i'm like so pathetic right now
Walk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 You feel guilty for denying him the camera? I'm not quite understanding why you feel guilty, maybe you could explain why? We might be able to help you see the flaws in your logic, and hopefully stop you from feeling guilty about this. There really isnt' a reason for you to feel guilty, or upset. Doesn't mean you aren't, but I think maybe your thinking is on the wrong path if you feel this way... What is he saying in the emails? Is it in reference to the camera, or is he being extra lovey dovey now that he thinks he's getting what he wants? Does he know you placed a higher bid? Did you even tell him you got outbid the first time?
Walk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it. - Norman Schwarzkopf This is your quote. Sometimes it hurts to do the right thing, but it is always better to take care of it right away. Letting it fester and torment you will cause nothing but stress and more problems.
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