HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I recently got back together with my ex bf after a nasty separation last year. Deep down I have not been 100% ok due to things that are hard to forget about, but things have been going very well. We have been spending a lot of time together and not fighting and all that good stuff Well, today he asked me to buy him an expensive item. He knows I make way more than him and usually I'm the one to pay for dinner and things, which I don't have a problem with. He's always reciprocated in his own way, buying me books and little things he knows I like. He called and asked me over the phone (it is an online item) and I immediately agreed. After hanging up, I got a sick feeling in my stomach that I still have. If I tell him I wonder if he is using me and got back together so i could buy a pricey item, he would get very upset if that were not to be the case and I would rock the boat and look bad for having such a thought. On the other hand, I can't ignore that possibility and it is making me very very upset to the point I don't feel like talking to him when he calls tonight. So what do I do??? I can't ignore it and I don't want to cause a fight unnecessarily. If he ever thought I was using him for something, I would definitely get upset. I feel really hurt right now if he were to be using me. I mean we just got back together very recently and now this big ticket item. What do you guys think? What should I say or not say?
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Maybe this is a test ...to see how many feet you have in Personally I don't think he is using you .. Just how pricey ?? more than 4-5 hundred ?
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 it is an auction item i placed a bid on for him with a starting price of 500 (reserve not met at that price)...i looked at similar items and the selling price goes from 1800-2200. He knows that that amount is not a big deal to me and so I don't know if I should feel flattered he feels comfortable asking me - after all i have the option to say no - or is he taking advantage that I'm happy to be back w/ him and taking advantage of me? So you don't think he's using me AC? That is a relief to hear that cuz my heart is still feeling like it's in my stomach, i would hate for that to be the case...i don't want to be a dummy either...or ruin things when they are finally going well...
tikigods Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 how long havey ou been back together? If its been a short time like a month or so then I would question that, since that is a bit of cash regardless the item, also why does he need it now? I don't know I am going to go that things might not be all right in this
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 we have been back together for almost 3 weeks now. It is actually a camera and that is part of what is bothering me. He never takes me with him when he goes to visit his family, and he is going there next month and likes to take pictures - both as a hobby and a little bit professionally on the side. I feel hurt because I was looking at some of his pics on his computer this past weekend that he's taken, some of women w/ their cleavage and all which bugs me. He uses them in his screensaver and there is not one picture of me. He has never taken professional pictures of me and I'm very photogenic, so I think the item is bothering me just as much as the timing and the whole bit. I feel very hurt right now...and not sure if I should be. I think I'll take a long bath to try to think about the whole thing. I'm not sure if I would be reacting this way if it was a different item or still questioning if he was using me...maybe a 3rd party could see things clearer than me, I hope I'm just overreacting.
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Of course I'm only speaking for myself here but I get uncomfortable after about $500 .. You aren't married and even though 2k isn't that much to you it is still alot for a BF to just be given this.. I think it is a test to see how in the relationship you are.. If he was going to use you he wouldn't have just started with a big ticket item like this.. Talk to him about the cost of the item and how it makes you waver becuase of the cost of the item..
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 You're right AC that he probably wouldn't flat out ask for this item right away (well, it has been a few weeks so it's not right away) if he was using me...I just don't know how to feel about it. If he feels comfortable enough to ask and is not using me, I will ruin everyting by suggesting he is. He would obviously never ask anything from me again and maybe not want to be with me if he thinks I would think that of him. On the other hand, i just don't know what to think and don't want to be taken advantage of...
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 You could just blow the auction or bid .. or even ignore it.. It seems to me that this doesn't make you feel comfortable.. Warning number one.. Has he been harping on you about bidding more or raising your maximum bid ? I still don't think he is using you but I do think that it has triggered something inside you and you need to listen to this..
Touche Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Given the other info you have given here, I'd say that there's NO question but that he's using you. Want to find out if he is? Tell him that you really can't now. You looked over your finances and can't do it just now. THEN see his reaction. You'll know everything you need to know by his reaction. This is such an easy one!
westernxer Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think things are gonna take a turn toward the nasty real soon.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 wow, you both have differing views on this. Of course I want to believe AC but I don't think I would be feeling this bad if there was really nothing to it... At the time I was entering the bid, he said that there is a reserve but he doesn't know how much it is for (I think he was acting a little dumb about it). I think he was encouraging me to place a highre bid. I told him I wouldn't be able to bid against myself and in the end if the reserve wasn't met, maybe the seller would come back with a lower offer or something so he didn't say anything about it. I just got an email that I have been outbid by someone else (reserve is still not met). Maybe I shouldn't place another bid for now and Touche that is a good idea to say something like i can't afford a higher price for now and get his reaction - seems like it will be done over the phone so I won't get a chance to really see his reaction, just hear him. But I'm not sure how to pull this off, he knows the cost isn't much for me, and it would be nice to know I bought a nice item for him, but I don't want to pretend he's not using me when there is that feeling inside. On the other hand I want to believe we are so close that he doesn't hesitate to ask me for something he wants and that shouldn't reflect against the feelings he has for me. I also have a fear that if he is using me, then once I purchase it, he will become cooler towards me like he got what he wanted, and that would be hurtful. Or when he shows me all the pictures he's taken with it of others, I will become resentful towards him that he is not using it to take pics of me. I just hate not being able to read him on this and don't want to be taken advantage of. (he had cheated on me when we broke up so I have trust issues that I am trying to resolve as it is).
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 I think things are gonna take a turn toward the nasty real soon. Why do you say that??? you mean if I open my mouth about it? that's what I'm scared of - if i'm wrong about all this and say something to ruin everything...
westernxer Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Why do you say that??? Deep down you are not 100 percent, due to things that are hard to forget about.
RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think it's very ugly that he asked you to buy him something. I've never asked anyone to buy me anything, except maybe cigarettes or something if that's in the context, e.g "Honey, do you need anything from the store?" Me: "Yeah, I need some juice and a pack of cigs, thanks." That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but could very well mean that he is using you. He either has very bad manners or wants to use the opportunity to get the things he can't buy himself. Probably both. If I were you, I wouldn't buy it for him. You don't need to tell him that he is using you if you don't feel comfortable with it. But you can tell him: "Sorry, did you want me to land you $500 or give you?" He will say: "To give me?" So you can say: "Okay, I promised so I WILL give you, but don't you feel bad about me giving you money?" Personally, I think it's hard enough for a pretty and successful woman to date somebody whose way lower on the economic list than herself; being forced to buy him expensive stuff is even harder. What are you doing with this low-class bum, HCG? This is kinda like buying an old truck and putting leather seats and a really nice stereo in it.
runner Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 if this is more of a personal toy rather than a business investment, i wouldn't readily grant him the money so quickly. i'd consider the possibility of a loan first; unless of course you intend for this to be a present. but i think that gut feeling of yours is trying to tell you that he might not be worth such an expensive gift just yet.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 I feel so hurt you guys think he might be using me. I hope AC is right that he's not, but again, I have that awful gut feeling and it really sucks. I was so happy things were finally going so well, then he has to call asking for this....something he will be using to take pictures of other women and that's something I can't stand to think about. He's supposedly anti plastic surgery but I saw all these pictures over this past weekend that he had taken focusing on implant breasts as "art" pictures and the thought of that has me upset, then he calls asking for a camera so he could take more of these pictures. I've been approached by photographers who want to take pictures and usually they want more and I see them as slimeballs, and here's my boyfriend who I am starting to suspect is doing something similar. With all these beautiful women wanting headshots for acting, I don't want to be used to fund his equipment for it. I really hope it's jealousy and I am overreacting and that it is an innocent request that does not mean he is using me, only feels comfortable asking me for something. I have much wealthier friends than myself and I have never asked for anything from any of them, so I don't know if it just means he feels like we're so close like family or a married couple that he doesn't have to hold back from asking me to buy him something, knowing I could afford to...I don't know but I don't know how to get out of it to get his reaction either.... RP he's not a bum, he works, but he just makes little money and blows it off without managing it well. I don't think money should determine who you fall in love with, but at the same time it complicates things, not knowing if that's part of the reason he is with me, coming back to me after all this time and all the hurt he had caused me...I wish there was a way to find out his intentions. I want to believe he's not using me, and maybe he's not...but that's good advice not to tell him i think he may be using me - why risk ruining things if he's not... i just have to find out how to know for sure!!! And I resent that of all things, he is asking for a camera when I loathe that he uses it on others (and in general for sightseeing and artistic purposes as a hobby). and no way would I propose it as a loan...that's like saying no, he knows I could easily afford it and he'd get offended if i offered that he repay for it~ it is obviously as a gift i would be getting it. I just am associating a lot of anger with the camera and the possibility of using it as a tool that would betray me should he take pictures of other women with it, as i have seen on his computer this past weekend. This is so upsetting - just when things seemed to be going very well.
tikigods Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Big red flag to me that its only been 3 weeks and already he is asking you to buy him expensive things? Story time! My friend is dating a professional photographer, and even in the first few weeks of dating was taking tons of pictures of her, what does that tell you about him? And the facat he has no intrest in having you meet his family? Money is something that should be concedered in a relationship, and that fact that you feel like you HAVE to spend the cash on him is a very bad sign, you need to stop making excuses for him, don't buy him the camera, if he gets mad then that just PROVES he just is using you. you keep saying that he knows you have the cash and that it would be okay for you to buy it, but I also know that we have 4k in our bank account right now, that doesn't mean I am going to ask my husband to buy me something that much (and even if the never chance I did expect him to buy it for me) This is bad news for you. I think you need to get out before you spend anymore time or money oin him
RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Well buy him the camera and if he doesn't take pictures of you with it, hand him your last gift: his toothbrush. It's one thing to date someone out of your income level, another to ASK for expensive gifts. When you ask for something, you expect to get it and you don't take "no" as an answer. You feel uncomfortable saying "no" and he feels that, so he uses your weakness in his favor. I would expect that a man who loves photography and his girlfriend would take plenty of pics of her. When my husband and I met, he spent almost the whole film just taking pics of me. The pic you see in my avatar was also taken by him. He takes his time to position me in the best way before clicks on the camera.
justagirliegirl Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think it is a red flag to be back for only 3 weeks and he asks you to buy something so expensive. I would not bid anymore on the item and see what he does. Remember why you two broke up the first time. Has that issue been resolved? I think you just need to be a little cautious and test the waters. There is also a huge income difference between my bf and I and he has never ever asked me for a dime. I tried to give him money one time as he really needed it but he refused.
littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I can't believe he asked you to spend 2K on him after being back him 3 weeks!! WTF?? Did he not even ask to borrow the money and pay it back? He just expects that you will agree to buy him this as a gift?!! I find that horribe IMHO. I earn 50% more than my SO. And he has never, ever expected me to buy him anything. I have given him gift, but I've never been instructed to buy him something specific, nor has he accepted money when I've offered it and he's needed it. It's called male pride generally I thought.
Walk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Are you saying you don't feel comfortable setting him down and talking to him about this? I think you could do it in a fairly non-aggressive way. I really think this is something that needs to be discussed. Tell him you are uncomfortable with buying this. That if it's too early for him to take you to meet his family, then it's too early for you to buy him something above a hundred or two. Acutally, if you worded it differently you could do it without immediately causing an argument. Like, "Your actions seem to be saying that you are taking advantage of my generosity, but I may be viewing this wrong. What were your thoughts when asking me to bid on the camera?" That's if you have to know. Personally, he's using you. My bf can buy big ticket items just fine too. Most I've ever asked for is the $20 range and that was for my birthday and he hounded me about it. If your bf had any respect for you, he'd understand that you work hard for that money. He isn't owed anything from you. You have enough money, fine. He has enough time to take pictures of you and take you to his parents. Why are you giving, yet he's not? Where's his investment into this relationship? You give, he must give at an equal level. It's too soon to be asking for something this costly. He needs to know he's overstepping his bounds. You don't have to be rude, or attacking, but if you say nothing then you are enabling his behavior. Giving your permission by way of saying nothing. There needs to be more communication about give and take in your relationship.
Walk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Tell him the camera is too expensive but you'd be happy to buy something in the cheaper. Check his reaction. You'd be happy to give your money to the owner of the camera, as soon as your bf gives his pic's of clevage back to their owners. 3 weeks buys him a few grand, what does a few months buy him? Tell him you didn't realize how expensive the camera was, and although you appreciate he feels comfortable in asking you for something so expensive, you think it's a little early to ask after the reasons for breaking up. I vote for the last one. You could add in a "how do you view it?" line at the end.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 HCG- I'm really close with my mother in law- and she would do anything for me- and she can afford to- seriously, but I would never ask her to purchase a big ticket item for me like that! I'm not saying he's using you for what you can buy him, but I think it's disrespectful that he would ask you to buy it in the first place. Whether or not you can afford it is not the issue. What the big red flags to me are what he did previously (as in what caused you guys to break up that you're having a hard time getting over) and the fact that you've not met his family nor has he taken any pictures of you. My husband is not a big picture taker- so to me that wouldn't be a big deal- but this guy is a photographer!!! I think it would have been more acceptable if he would have said- Look, I'd like to get this camera and I was wondering if you'd get it for me. I'd be glad to pay you back if you'd do this for me. But yet he didn't do that, it's almost as if he expected it. That's the key- it's like he expected it.
grateful Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 so I don't know if it just means he feels like we're so close like family or a married couple that he doesn't have to hold back from asking me to buy him something, knowing I could afford to... I just wanted to reiterate with the other posters that this is not the case... if you were close like family or a married couple he wouldn't even have to ask you to go to visit his family - - it would be assumed you are going. why has the "purchase things for each other" intimacy level been reached without the "my family events are your family events" level? in my relationships, the merged family has always come before the merged finances.
Author HotCaliGirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Thanks for all the great feedback. With so many similiar opinions, I am beginning to agree it is all wrong to go through with the purchase and I feel hurt he's the type that would ask for such a thing. I am still not over the issues we broke up over, that he lied he had to go to work but was with another girl. I acted dumb about it but had done some snooping around, seeing how on his low income there were charges of up to $65 on a regular basis to restaurants he went to without me, when all this time I pick up the tab when we eat out knowing he's low income. And I had last time around brought up the fact that he never introduces me to his family and he knows in the past I've been hurt that he goes to see them so often without me. He keeps bringing up the trip next month and taking pictures and it is really getting to me, especially that his sister will be giving birth this month and how i'd want to see the baby too. Again, I think the camera itself is just as bad how I'm taking it as the cost. The moment i entered the "item number" and saw this huge camera - the item he said "sweety can you please buy me something" that's when the whole heart dropping into my stomach thing started. I agree with you all now and can't bring myself to place another bid on the item. I feel like throwing the stupid camera in his face. Just when things were getting better, now i have to think " oh so this is why he's been so nice". I like to think he loves me anyways, but if it is making me feel this bad about it, then screw it, he should be ok that I won't go through with it. Thank you all so much, I would've gone through with it and felt like sh** without getting all your good imput.
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