lulu2go Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 My question is how soon is too soon for a dating when children are involved? I have 2 beautiful children from previous relationship, we were married for approx 10 years, we called it quits over a year ago. Anywayz, I have a friend I've known for about 12 years now, since high school. At school he had a crush on me and asked me out untold times, I think after a while I just got used to saying no . Well since then we have got in contact from time to time, he lived in another country for most of that time but we always managed to catch up with eachother and our school friends when he came home to visit. A couple of years ago we started emailing eachother for advice as we were both going through problems in our marriage and I guess that we both knew we'd always have eachother to talk to. Then we lost contact for a while, I was going through a seperation, and unknown to me, so was he. Then he popped up on msn not so long ago and told me that he'd moved back to our hometown. I'm now living in another city but had already made arrangements to move back, basically not far from where he is now. The big move is next week..and hence the reason why this is on my mind. We'd always had a special connection I know that. Thing is since I've told him I'm moving back he has said he would like see more of me. He's also told me that he has always had feelings for me and would to see what happens between us when I return. I do have feelings for him too, I do care for him alot and I have found myself wanting more than friendship with him.. but I haven't told him that yet. I just don't want things to go wrong and lose a great friendship. I guess I'm a little apprehensive about entering another possible but probable relationship as I have my two children to consider. Oh yeah and also it wasn't too long ago I was thinking all men are #$@** I know that I'm probably worrying about it all too much. I just don't know how comfortable I am with my children eventually seeing me with someone else other than their father.. Something I'm gonna have to get over or spend the rest of my life single!! How soon is too soon after a break-up with children involved? I mean my eldest son still misses his father which one of the reasons I've decided to move closer so they can see their father more regularly. That and I have a job waiting for me there which I am excited about. My "friend" on the other hand has been seperated from his wife for probably a year and a half now, he has no children. lol i just re-read my post and probably just a worry-wart!!
Author lulu2go Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 oh... sorry that was a long story huh but thanks to those who have bothered to read on... your perspectives would be much appreciated! Thanks in advance
SuperMonk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Yo, can't you date anyone else that you don't know or not friends with. Or is this "friend" your fallback option. Not sounding cynical, but I'm trying to see what your true intentions are, cause I'd hate to be a fallback guy for a female friend for which I've tried to ask out several times.
Author lulu2go Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Thanks for your comments sm:) Yep to answer your question I could date someone else I don't know, not that I've considered dating until now it has been the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately even if I did it wouldn't make any difference in my situation. Basically I have 2 children that I'm trying to consider here first and foremost. Fallback guy? Well..I've been on my own for a while now and this guy is not just any guy and I do really care for him, we have a load of fun whenever we get together, he's caring, intelligent, and respectful toward me. We have alot in common and well he just gets me. Who knows we could develop into something quite special, or not.. Anywho I wouldn't use him for the interim I just wouldn't do that. When he asked me out and I said no, that was maybe 12 years ago, we were very young then. My intentions? Hmmm 2 things; to be the best mother I possibly can because I only have one go at it, and to be happy.
SuperMonk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Now you answered that. Usually an honorable guy like me would pass up an offer with a female friend to form a relationship. I mean, geeze if she turned me down years ago, what makes me have any respect to date the girl years later? Commonalities aside, I would pass this up even if he is your best option now for a male partner. He already knows you're single, and if he doesn't seem to plan on jumping up the ladder then he probably knows where he exists and if he has honor he will stay there. This is just one of those things in life that you might have to pass up even of the offer was really good.
Author lulu2go Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks for taking the time to comment, def something i didn't think was an issue so food for thought. I guess he's not one to let a little rejection years ago scare him off, he's a very confident guy and obviously believes in second chances. There are reasons why I said no way back then, basically I didn't know him at all when he was asking. Then he just seemed to give up and went out with other girls. After that was when we got to know eachother as we were both into our sports in a big way both in and outside of school, we ended up hanging with the same crowd etc and became friends. Then b4 we knew it, we finished school and he took off to do a bit of travelling. He moved back here when his marriage ended, says after travelling for a bit, New Zealand is really the place to be and plans to stay for good. But hey you mentioned a ladder?? What did you mean about that just that I don't get what "ladder" you were referring to...
Curmudgeon Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 My only advice would be to not bring him around or introduce him to the children unless and until it looks like there is actually going to be a relationship or until such time as you both decide that friendship is all there will be but there will always be that. That keeps the children from being placed on an emotional rollercoaster only to have it all end. Yes, you have your children to consider, but you also have your own life to lead. It's a delicate balancing act.
luvtoto Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 My question is how soon is too soon for a dating when children are involved? I have 2 beautiful children from previous relationship, we were married for approx 10 years, we called it quits over a year ago. Hi lulu. I have a friend named lulu, so I was drawn to your post. I just have a little advice that may or may not help you. I'm thinking a year is sufficient time in between relationships. I recommend not bringing your new guy to meet the kids until after you become exclusive. It's too hard on everybody, especially the kids, to get attached too quickly.. it will break their heart if things don't work out. Probably not a good idea to have him sleep over either. imo. Gosh, I sound like such a mother.
Author lulu2go Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks for your input toto and curmdgeon. My thoughts exactly I don't plan on introducing him or for that matter any other man until I'm in a serious and stable relationship. I'm sure I'll know when the time is right. Over night stays I agree is a no no with children involved. Hey, thanks both of you for answering my orig question. Whether or not anything happens with me and this guy, our conversation via msn got me thinking about this whole dating thing seeing as I have children. Just was looking for a little guidance and confirmation that I was thinking along the right lines.
luvtoto Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 lulu, you sound like a very thoughtful mother for putting your children's needs in front of your own.
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