mattea Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 how much time did you spend with someone in the beginning of a relationship that later became serious/long-term? how long did it take you to start feeling at ease at his/her place, rather than like a guest? i.e. you leave some stuff there, don't feel the need to ask if it's ok if you stay over, feel comfortable going to the fridge to help yourself. when/how did you begin to start feeling like a couple in the sense that your involvment in certain things would be *we* and not *i*. for example, a distant family member is getting married, he's invited, it's pretty much a given that you'll be there as a couple if possible. i know i want a serious relationship, to live with a partner and perhaps marry. on the other hand, i'm used to being really independent and living on my own and spending a lot of time on my own. i like the guy i'm seeing a lot, but i don't feel like a couple exactly. i guess i'm used to wanting to spend every possible moment with someone when i fall for them. now i don't feel that way. maybe that wasn't healthy anyway, put how does feeling like seeing someone a couple/few times a week is enough turn into full coupledom?
movinon05 Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I've been seeing my bf for 6 months. Only on weekends because of family and distance. Even though we are mutually exclusive, I am still not at complete ease with him. I can go to his fridge, I stay over, he expects me to stay over. I haven't been asked to meet his friends or attend family get togethers, other than with his mother and brother who live nearby. That kind of bothers me a bit, but I'm waiting it out. He hasn't been to any of my family functions, even though I did ask. I know he's uncomfortable about it. He comes over when I have to be here for my kids. But he doesn't bond with my kids. I have found this to be a work in progress. He's used to living alone and I'm used to living around my kids' schedules. I find that we are getting closer and he's starting to make plans with me to do other things, but I have to believe that its going to take some more time. I'm hopeful he will join me when my family gathers over the summer. I'm not really used to being in a relationship like this where my bf doesn't bond with my family. I have a big friendly family and we like to do things, although not as much as we used to. I do hope he comes around as we have a great relationship otherwise. How long does it take? I don't know. As I said, this is a work in progress. And it probably depends on your personalities and how comfortable you are with each other and how much you're willing to open up. I'm taking this one day at a time.
Walk Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 how much time did you spend with someone in the beginning of a relationship that later became serious/long-term? About a month and a half to almost two months. Just friends. No touching, hugging, kissing. Just hanging out, or going to play pool, or see a local band playing. Nothing deep or relationship like really. how long did it take you to start feeling at ease at his/her place, rather than like a guest? i.e. you leave some stuff there, don't feel the need to ask if it's ok if you stay over, feel comfortable going to the fridge to help yourself. Hmm.. I didn't bring stuff to his house until we dicussed my moving in with him. That was about 9 months after we met, 6 from the time we officially were bf/gf. I always asked if it was okay to come over first. Even though he'd said over and over that I could just walk on in. I still knocked even after he gave me a key. Just never felt comfortable barging into someones house. Not sure how to describe it. Just felt weird. Not that he didn't want me there. I wouldn't want someone to intrude into mine, so I didn't want to do it to him. I didn't feel comfortable until we got an apartment neither of us had lived in before, and co-mingled all our stuff. That was... uh.. a year or so after we met. when/how did you begin to start feeling like a couple in the sense that your involvment in certain things would be *we* and not *i*. for example, a distant family member is getting married, he's invited, it's pretty much a given that you'll be there as a couple if possible. Nearly a year, I think. I never automatically assumed I was included. He started speaking in "we" terms. (Like, his friend would call, and he'd say "we'll be there".) Started that about a year into the relationship. I still ask if he'd like company, or if we should catch up later. Felt like a couple? Took a long time. Not sure I could give you a specific time frame. I was opposed to the idea of a relationship sub-conciously i guess. The "couple" thing just grew on me after a while... long while... long. i know i want a serious relationship, to live with a partner and perhaps marry. on the other hand, i'm used to being really independent and living on my own and spending a lot of time on my own. i like the guy i'm seeing a lot, but i don't feel like a couple exactly. i guess i'm used to wanting to spend every possible moment with someone when i fall for them. now i don't feel that way. maybe that wasn't healthy anyway, put how does feeling like seeing someone a couple/few times a week is enough turn into full coupledom? I like how my relationship is right now. We see each other on the weekends, and sometimes a few days during the week. Sometimes I want to see him more, sometimes a lot less. We're both pretty independent people, so we both need to allow each other space in the relationship in order to feel comfortable. In hindsight, I wish that I had waited longer to move in with him. I liked the feeling of independence. Of doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and not having to ask if my partner has any plans for the day that I need to work around. Also, it depends on the interaction between the two of you. Sometimes when there's a level of security and trust, then we don't feel as driven to spend every moment together. If the time together is quality time, fulfilling our needs, then there's less need for the every moment type stuff. Do you think of him often, just don't share every moment together? Or does he not enter your thoughts too much, and you share some time together also? I guess that was how gauged whether I actually holding back, or just being respectful of my partner. I thought of my bf often and although didn't necessarily feel I had to be with him right then, I would look forward to the next time I would see him.
Walk Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I haven't been asked to meet his friends or attend family get togethers, other than with his mother and brother who live nearby. That kind of bothers me a bit, but I'm waiting it out. He hasn't been to any of my family functions, even though I did ask. I know he's uncomfortable about it. He comes over when I have to be here for my kids. But he doesn't bond with my kids. It's been 2 years and I've only ever met my bf's brother. (his parents are deceased) But I've never met his aunts/uncles or grandparents. But he has introduced me to all of his close friends. My bf dislikes visiting with my family. He'll do so if I really want him to, but I try not to subject him to it unless I really need the moral support. My ex loved my family and would spend hours talking to them. I hated it because he dominated the conversations, I couldn't go see them without his coming with me. I never got to just interact one on one with my parents. They even told him if we ever broke up they'd let him live in their spare bedroom. I like that my bf is a little distant with my parents. Guess it's all in the perspective you take. And he's very supportive of me going to visit my family as much as I'd like. As long as I don't drag him with me too much.
movinon05 Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I like that my bf is a little distant with my parents. Guess it's all in the perspective you take. And he's very supportive of me going to visit my family as much as I'd like. As long as I don't drag him with me too much. Well my ex got along great with my family. My bf now is very supportive of me visiting my family. I do wish he might show a little interest though. My family has been asking "So when do we get to meet this man?" My kids wonder about him too. My eldest (20) said to me, "What's up with "BF"? He doesn't talk." That is what really bothers me most. If this relationship does continue, I'd like them to feel comfortable around him! My kids are really happy for me that I'm dating again and have found someone I really enjoy - but I think they're starting to wonder why him! They're not used to someone who doesn't really acknowledge them in a room.
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