torntobits Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 My husband and I have been married four years, together for 7. I met his best friend when we moved to his hometown and his is now my best friend too and the three of us are very close. There has never been any improper actions, comments, anything that wasn't completely innocent between the best friend and me and I'm not concerned about it ever heappening because we both love my husband way too much for that to ever be a possibility. The problem is I can't stop THINKING about it. Way more than is healthy, I think. I have fantasies that I'm single and meet him in some other reality and things get really hot. Used to happen once in awhile, but now it is going on daily and I find my mind going back to him when I should be cleaning, studying, working and even when I'm alone with my husband sometimes. It's gotten to the point where I think it is having a negative impact on my marriage and my sex life. I have turned my husband down for sex more than once because I found myself preferring to lay down and think about being with the friend....I'm not even understanding why. And I am becoming more and more unhappy with how my husband treats me, even though he's only marginally more insensitive than he always has been and I know when he hurts my feelings (frequently) he probably did it unintentionally because he just doesn't 'get it'. It's just starting to become harder for me to accept that he doesn't compromise. I give, he takes, then wants to know why I'm not giving more. I guess my daydreams are a way of making up for that? They're not all about sex, even though that's a big part. It usually starts with a "What-if" and turns into an imagined other life where I'm with the friend and he's totally in love and makes me feel important and respected and sexy. I don't know. It's so confusing. I've tried distractions, keeping busy, spending less time around when this friend is over...it doesn't work. Sometimes it gets better, then I have a few idle moments and there he is on my mind again. How do I get rid of these fantasies and how can I stop feeling so guilty when I haven't really done anything wrong but let my imagination run free?
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I think it's a mistake that you are allowing yourself to "enjoy" the fantasy TOO much. By doing this, you are letting feelings develope! When he pops into your head, stop thinking of him. Don't LET yourself think of him in a sexual way or even fantasize at all. You're feeling guilty because you know that it is wrong to think of him that way...It's crossing the line...Even in your mind. Don't EVER discuss this with him. There is no need for him to know your thoughts.
SuperMonk Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think about banging all sorts of women all the time. All kinds of ethnicities, lesbians, police women, stuff like that. It's perfectly normal.
Outcast Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Don't we all just long for a perfect life? And when genuine, real, messy, imperfect life tires us, don't we love to conjure up images of a perfect life for ourselves? It is so easy to imagine that the source of perfection in life could come from another person than the one we're with. This ignores the fact that that other person is every bit as messy, genuine, and real as the one in our house; it's just that infrequent contact makes everybody else seem more perfect. All you'd do is trade one set of human flaws for another because in reality there is no perfect life. So your cure for this is to realize that while the baby in us wants someone to come and kiss life and make it all pretty and perfect for us, that desire is foolish and unreasonable and we have to accept being adults and living in the world as it is. In short, bring yourself up short by telling yourself to grow up next time you start fantasizing about this guy. After 7 years with him, you'd think you were weary of his imperfections, too, when what's really the trouble is that you're weary of imperfections, period. We all are but that, my friend, is real life and wishing it not so will leave you terminally unhappy. Instead, look for reasons to appreciate your husband rather than seeking only his flaws. Your focus is tuned to the wrong aspects of life and that will cause you nothing but grief.
whichwayisup Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 It's different with men due to the fact they can separate sex and emotion. A man can want to bang a woman and it means NOTHING. Problem is, with most women, when fantasizing about someone else, it turns EMOTIONAL at some point and that leads to feelings. The fact she knows this man and is friends with him just makes the whole situation more dangerous. It kind of is opening a door, a curosity which isn't a good thing for her marriage. If the situation was reversed and HE was thinking of HER bestfriend that way, I'm sure SHE wouldn't be too happy that her hubby was "lusting" after another woman... Besides, there is a huge difference between a quick thought here and there about banging someone than spending time really thinking and fantasizing about that particular person.
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