cookiem Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 my husband of 36 years has been having a affair for two years. i just found out in febuary of this year. what makes it so hard is she is some one he has seen before. first time in 1970 ,but she was only 15 so there was no sex. i found out that time from his mother. well i stayed with him and got over it. then this time i found out by getting his cell phone records. she would call him every day at work from her work a bank ,thats where he met her again. she came up to him. we had some problems in our marriage so we had't been close in a while. he said after my mother passed on that i became a completly differant person, and now that i looked back i did. i had several surgeries in the past 10 years, i had cancer. i do admit i did'nt want to have sex with him any more. i just did'nt know if i loved him, but now i know i did . i was sure no one else would want him. i forgot there is always a skank out there is who is waiting. i talked to her husband and he told me that my husband was with her in 1978. i confronted my H and he denied it untill i told him i had proof so he admitted it . he said he did'nt love or care about her and it was all about the sex. but they did'nt have sex every time he just needed someone to talk and understand him and i didn't.he said i had let myself go and didn't care what i looked like ,he was right . he has answered all my questions except one and that is were did they meet when they were together. should i just skip that question and move on? both he and her h told me that he told her from the beginning that he would never leave me and loved me and if i ever found out it was over even if i left him. he told me he would never be with her forever and he wanted to end it but didn't know how ,(just get lost:eek: ) her husband said she told him shes had a thing for my H since the frst time.no one knew not even his friends untill i told them . we have three sons who are all married. two of them and their wives could not believe it because he is so quiet,but the middle sons wife she understood ,because she went threw the same thing and didn't feel wanted so she found some one who did want her. they are still together. my husband has done everything i asked him to do and even is willing to renew our vows to show me how much he loves me and wants to stay married. i don't even know what this woman looks like she told him a few years ago she saw me and i said hi to her . please some advice
Guest Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Wow - Who am I to give advice, but let me say I share your pain. My H affair was discovered in November, and its been a long hard healing road since. You are luck in the fact that your husbands other womans husband knows, so he can keep an eye on his wife. That is not my case. Her husband does not know, and I dont feel its my place to tell. But, to play devils advocate, if we didnt sexually want our husbands, we should have known it could have lead to where we are now. I have always taken care of myself, but ignored his needs alot. As he did mone too. It never occured to me how much I loved him until this bit me in the ass. Its funny how it works that way. My husband is trying too, it shows in things he does. It is SO hard to initally move on because you want to know EVERYTHING! And I say we are intitled to that as long as we can handle the truth. Once we have exausted ourselves with the truth, its easier to begin the healing. If you want to know something, ask NOW, instead of 2 months from now over a nice dinner. He wants to renew his vows? That says something, BUT so doesnt his actions. One thing that made my man turn around was seeing how attractive I can be and how other men see me. I have been wistled at while he was with me, and it made him crazy for me. Silly isnt it? I dont know what to say other than the fact that yes, there are always skanks out there, but if that makes them a skank, what are our husbands?
Blind Illusion Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Let me understand this better. You say the affair went on for 2 years, but then there was an incident in 1978. And in 1970, there was a sexless incident. Am I bungling up the story? Since your husband is willing to do what you ask, I would suggest going to joint counseling and take it from there. Renewed vows are nice & all but they aren't going to really change the problems and your feelings about this all. Besides, you can always do that later. Therapy could help you deal with your feelings of betrayal. That's important. Seeing what this woman looks like really will add nothing to your life.
Blind Illusion Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 he said after my mother passed on that i became a completly differant person, and now that i looked back i did. i had several surgeries in the past 10 years, i had cancer. By the way, we all have life events that change us. The death of a parent and cancer aren't exactly trivial events by any means. Your husband doesn't exactly make a convincing argument with this. At least not to me.
Author cookiem Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 he cheated on me with the same person i would say three times. first time was in 1970 even though he says they didn't have sex, the second was in 1978 , i didn't know about that one untill now and the third time started two years ago and i just found out . thank you for your reply cookiem
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 he said he did'nt love or care about her and it was all about the sex. Uh huh. It was presented to me like this: Why should you care that I had sex with her? It was just sex. I love you! You really need to work on your self esteem. My sister doesn't care what her husband does. You'll never have a good relationship if you get all upset about these things. Get away from him. You've wasted enough time.
silktricks Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 Best of luck CookieM. Recovering is tough especially when you feel deep in your heart that your actions helped create the situation - and it sounds like you havae some of those feelings. Your husband should NOT have cheated, no matter what was going on with you. If he wanted to be with someone else he should have left you first. It's going to take you a lot of time to get past this, but I join in with Blind Illusion - try a marriage counsellor. It's not your fault he had an affair. When I started posting here I felt like a fool for being so upset that my H had an EA. I also felt that it was my fault, as I had left him - when I found out that the whole time he was trying to get me to come back to him he was also writing another woman it about destroyed me (he didn't tell me until I was back) - but now everything is great again - the way it used to be - but it took me about a year and a half to get over it. It can be for you two as well, but it really takes a lot of work on both of your parts, and a lot of what's been wrong for both of you needs to be discussed and worked on, not just what was wrong for him.
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