blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 If you don't feel right parenting your BF's kid that is fine.. but you can't ask him to not parent his own child because you don't want to. Well by asking him to NOT parent his own son.. The message being driven home is I don't love you as much as I love her.. You are talking about a child not an adult. What? Who did this? I'm confused now. Who asked their BF to not parent their child? I thought he was an independent adult who made his own decisions?
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 What? Who did this? I'm confused now. Who asked their BF to not parent their child? I thought he was an independent adult who made his own decisions? I think you missed my edited part.. Also by asking him to take a vacation without his son it is asking him to not parent his own son..
climbergirl Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 He feels his time is divided fairly. He loves his son more than anything in the world and puts him first 100%. But he also sees the need for him to be happy in his own life, so that he can be the best Dad he can be. Gee... I'm kind of disheartened now. I thought we were doing a pretty fair split of things. Maybe not.... Uh........I disagree. To be fairly divided would be 50% with her/50% with him. After all, he did have 50% 'input' into the pregnancy. And at 2 years old it's very important that he spend as much time as he can with him-it's the developmental time of strong attachment to those who care for him. Morever, the schedule your bf and ex have is kind of f'ed up seeing that 2 year olds need consistancy. But, aside from that, why not suggest an every other weekend basis? That way each can benefit from having a whole weekend alone.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I think you missed my edited part.. Also by asking him to take a vacation without his son it is asking him to not parent his own son.. They take vacation DAYS, art. It's different over there. And they are taking the boy to France with them. So she's asking him to not parent his child because they take days off occassionally to hang out together? I don't see that. It's a single day.
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 So she's asking him to not parent his child because they take days off occassionally to hang out together? I don't see that. It's a single day. I'm only speaking for the boy... here as it seems he needs a voice and yes she is asking him to not parent his child..for one day.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I'm only speaking for the boy... here as it seems he needs a voice and yes she is asking him to not parent his child..for one day. I'm sorry, I thought we were dealing with grown adults who make their own decisions? If he decides this on his own, how is it LK's fault? I dunno. I think you're taking it to the extreme here. What if he has a soccer tournament, or has to work on a day he would normally have custody? Is this also a failure to parent?
2sunny Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 As a step parent, one needs to understand that your place should always be second in line (after the kids best interest). If you are willing to assume this position and respect it as well as showing your (future) husband that you lend support to his situation, then life will be more smooth for everyone involved. Easier said than done, on a daily basis anyway...
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I'm sorry, I thought we were dealing with grown adults who make their own decisions? If he decides this on his own, how is it LK's fault? If he decided on his own it wouldn't be her fault. But if she is asking him to do it then he isn't doing it on his own .. is he ? So her actions or responsibilty for those actions should be those of a parent. Ultimately it is his decision regardless of who says what..since he is the childs parent.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 If he decided on his own it wouldn't be her fault. But if she is asking him to do it then he isn't doing it on his own .. is he ? So her actions or responsibilty for those actions should be those of a parent. Ultimately it is his decision regardless of who says what..since he is the childs parent. Well yeah, he is still doing it on his own, because he can say "YES" or "NO".
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I dunno. I think you're taking it to the extreme here. I'm not taking it to an extreme here.. I stated my OPINION .. You have made me defend my OPINION to the point that it has gone to an extreme. I originally stated that it was my opinion... Which by the way is based on 5 years of step parenting. as well as 2 years of child therapy regarding step parenting
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I'm not taking it to an extreme here.. I stated my OPINION .. You have made me defend my OPINION to the point that it has gone to an extreme. I originally stated that it was my opinion... Which by the way is based on 5 years of step parenting. as well as 2 years of child therapy regarding step parenting Sorry. I won't ask you to defend your opinion any more. I was curious, but I know I can take my curiosity too far. I just dislike it when people abdicate personal responsibility and say "It's not me, she made me do it."
a4a Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Sorry I just don't see the crime of a parent taking one day for themselves or to share with a wife or gf without their child. Regardless if they are married or work 70+ hours a week. I would suppose it would be suggested that LK and her bf should take the child on their honeymoon as well? Having a weeks vacation away from the children in any family is not a crime either. Married, divorced, or single parent. Just my opinion with respect to others.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 I think it hard esp with a little biy because they don't understand your need to be together as a couple. and if the mom is angry she could tell the little boy something like daddy is spending his time with his gf and not you. I don't know how the custody split was handeled or if there is any bitterness. Fankly my ex jsut split and I haven't seen him in 7 years and I almost think it easier that way than trying to do joint custody. She has said this to us on more than one occassion, but then she is still very bitter. Luckily I don't believe right now he is old enough to quite take it in. Although we did have a nasty period when she taught him to make a rude gesture when he heard my name... nice huh? There is a lot of bitterness on her side. None on ours. We simply want to get along for the sake of his son (who I'll refer to as R - I don't like to keep calling him, it or him!).
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 And your bf needs a day away from work, home, maybe even you and his child. All people do. This is a great point. He does need HIS own time to spend how HE wishes.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Nobody could ask for any better... You sound like you have the little boy in plans for the future then.. So what is the child to do when he is on Vacation with you ?.. be with his Mother ?? when in reality he should be with his Dad.. You may not be the mother doing full time parenting but it is in your future.. The difference is that you should be acting as a family unit at all times.. because that is what you will be.. It is the right thing to do for the little boy.. I certainly wouldn't want my dad to to ignore me and send me to Grandmas so he can go on vacation.. How damaging that would be to the child if he realized what was happening. Your BF doesn't have the choice you do.. he is a full time parent all the time.. ( well.. when he has the child ) You on the other hand can take off and go on vacation without your BF but when you are married you won't be able to do it.. And like I said i understand your need to have couple time.. but it seems to me that you already have a whole lot of couple time and very little family time. I very much plan for us to be a family, today and in the future. I already see us as one. I think you do make some good points A_C. And I thank you for your nice comments, I do hope to make a good parent. I see your point about always acting as a family, and I think I have taken that on board. I certainly see the angle you are coming at. However, I'm afraid that isn't going to stop me taking a 5 day vacation alone with my boyfriend to get engaged in December. So I'm afraid on that point I fail miserably at being a good step mom, and doing the right thing for the child. I did however again check that my SO was happy with us doing that, that he wouldn't prefer to just do it all here and take the time with his son etc. But he wants to do this too, so I think as long as he is happy with that then I am. But I repeat.. this is a one off for our engagement. So A_C.... here's a question. What about our Honeymoon? Should we take R then? There's a few things I want to clear up: We are now living together, which in effect makes what I asked a moot point. On thinking about it, this was something we did when we didn't live together and saw less of each other. Now we are living together we have all the time in the world together, and I don't see the need for us to take these days now. Although that's not the discussion over... as I'm interested in the comments and over all subject. The child is two and has known me since he was one. He has built a loving, trusting relationship with me. We've worked past R's anxiety at being left by his father. It's been a year now and R's adjusted wonderfully. He sees us as a family unit everytime we are together, he sees us happy and loving and doing things with him, the three of us. He also then has time with Daddy alone as they need, and deserve, that too. R will come and sit on my lap and cuddle me, he'll call my name when he wants me to see something. He's shout my name when he sees me when he arrives. He's brilliant, and I love him very much.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 If you don't feel right parenting your BF's kid that is fine.. but you can't ask him to not parent his own child because you don't want to. Well by asking him to NOT parent his own son.. The message being driven home is I don't love you as much as I love her.. Also by asking him to take a vacation without his son it is asking him to not parent his own son.. You are talking about a child not an adult. I feel I must say I didn't ASK him to take these days with me. He suggested these days as he wanted extra time with me alone. It was a stategy that worked well for us, especially in the beginning when we had a lot of stress on us as a couple by her threatening me, abusing me, following me etc. etc. Now we are more settled as a family I do feel the need for this time has diminished some what. I do parent R most certainly. Although I do not discipline him as that is his fathers job. They say a step parent should get involved in discipline until at least 3 years in. Although I'm not sure at what point I will feel it is correct or right.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Uh........I disagree. To be fairly divided would be 50% with her/50% with him. After all, he did have 50% 'input' into the pregnancy. And at 2 years old it's very important that he spend as much time as he can with him-it's the developmental time of strong attachment to those who care for him. Morever, the schedule your bf and ex have is kind of f'ed up seeing that 2 year olds need consistancy. But, aside from that, why not suggest an every other weekend basis? That way each can benefit from having a whole weekend alone. Well we could have R 50% of the time. But then SO couldn't work in his current job, so she'd not get her child support. Unless she had him all day and we had him all night or some other arragement, but few parents are able to carry out a 50% split of custody. Yep I agree it's important for thier bond that they spend time together. Ohhh and the schedule was her choice, not ours! We've tried to adjust with little sucess. Although I know my SO does prefer to see his son every week rather than waiting two weeks, that would be too long for him.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 I'm only speaking for the boy... here as it seems he needs a voice and yes she is asking him to not parent his child..for one day. But if he wouldn't be parenting him that day anyway? How am I doing that? Is that if he takes a vacation day (a single day) he must choose to spend with is child and no other way? Is that the basis of what you are saying? Is that entirely fair to my SO? (Again I'm not asking for anything, this has been his choice all along.)
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 As a step parent, one needs to understand that your place should always be second in line (after the kids best interest). If you are willing to assume this position and respect it as well as showing your (future) husband that you lend support to his situation, then life will be more smooth for everyone involved. Easier said than done, on a daily basis anyway... I've already assumed this position. Of course I come second after the child and I respect that fully.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Sorry I just don't see the crime of a parent taking one day for themselves or to share with a wife or gf without their child. Regardless if they are married or work 70+ hours a week. I would suppose it would be suggested that LK and her bf should take the child on their honeymoon as well? Having a weeks vacation away from the children in any family is not a crime either. Married, divorced, or single parent. Just my opinion with respect to others. See this was my opinion before. Both my SO and I agreed that when we have our own children, that we would still take the odd weekend to ourselves when they would spend time with Grandparents etc. Please don't tell me that's child abuse? To spend a weekend with Grandparents? I don't believe that would make us bad parents. Surely working on our marriage in this manner would make us stronger and therefore better parents?
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 So A_C.... here's a question. What about our Honeymoon? Should we take R then? I can only answer that with telling you what we did.. Our honey moon was for 4 days.. My step daughter was only 4 years old and she was the flower girl in the wedding and has trouble understanding that she couldn't go on the Honeymoon. After we finally got her to understand that is was a time for us we made sure that the 4 days that we were away were some good onnes for her also. Every Morning she woke up she got a present that was something dear to her and then she spent the day going somewhere that she wanted to go.. She was with her Grandma and they went everywhere from the zoo the build a bear workshop. When she would open her daily gift we were on the phone in the morning when she did it.. I think part of successful parenting is never forgeting that really what you are doing is creating memories and to make all her memories as good as possible so when she grows ups she can look back on her childhood and smile..
climbergirl Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Although I know my SO does prefer to see his son every week rather than waiting two weeks, that would be too long for him. <<Well we could have R 50% of the time. But then SO couldn't work in his current job, so she'd not get her child support. Unless she had him all day and we had him all night or some other arragement, but few parents are able to carry out a 50% split of custody.>> Yeah, I know......I was only speaking theoretically. Besides, I don't think for a 2 year old that is a good idea. <<Ohhh and the schedule was her choice, not ours! We've tried to adjust with little sucess.>> Well then, I'm not sure why she's complaining. She's only hurting herself if she won't budge and is reluctant to cooperate. You all are going to need each other at some point (last minute pick ups, someone is sick etc) in parenting R. Better if she figures that out sooner rather than later. << Although I know my SO does prefer to see his son every week rather than waiting two weeks, that would be too long for him.>> I also have a 2 1/2 year old. Our schedule is this; tue & thur (him) 12:00-3:00, he then picks her up sat. @ 4:00 and brings her back to me sun. @ 4:00. I don't know what to tell you on the schedule. Once R gets older it'll be much easier. And as far as a vacation, where is he developmentally? Does he scream for his mom, his dad or you when he has to leave any of you? Want to talk on the phone with you while he's away? I only ask because there is no way in hell I could get away for a vacation--my ex has had to bring our daughter back to me on numerous occasions because she's so miserable (this breaks his heart). But I know HE could go on a vacation and she'd be OK. Also, he's taken vacation days w/o taking M and I could care less. More than likely, R is oblivious to you and your bf's one day vacation. So.......it's kind of pointing to bitterness on her (ex) part. I hope this made sense............not enough coffee yet.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Well then, I'm not sure why she's complaining. She's only hurting herself if she won't budge and is reluctant to cooperate. You all are going to need each other at some point (last minute pick ups, someone is sick etc) in parenting R. Better if she figures that out sooner rather than later. I sure wish she would. Unfortunately it's a one way street currently. We bend to co-operate with her and be flexible, but there's no flexibility for us. We even gave her our holiday dates an extra month earlier than we'd agreed (1 months notice), requested to take R, and she still moaned!! I also have a 2 1/2 year old. Our schedule is this; tue & thur (him) 12:00-3:00, he then picks her up sat. @ 4:00 and brings her back to me sun. @ 4:00. I don't know what to tell you on the schedule. Once R gets older it'll be much easier. And as far as a vacation, where is he developmentally? Does he scream for his mom, his dad or you when he has to leave any of you? Want to talk on the phone with you while he's away? I only ask because there is no way in hell I could get away for a vacation--my ex has had to bring our daughter back to me on numerous occasions because she's so miserable (this breaks his heart). But I know HE could go on a vacation and she'd be OK. Also, he's taken vacation days w/o taking M and I could care less. More than likely, R is oblivious to you and your bf's one day vacation. So.......it's kind of pointing to bitterness on her (ex) part. I hope this made sense............not enough coffee yet. I like the sound of your schedule, sounds good. But she won't give up her full weekend off, and we can't do that every single weekend (that's just not fair), so we're stuck trying to come up with something that works for everyone!! Developmentally he can't speak enough to want to speak on the phone with us. He can't even ask to at the moment, although we're on the brink of him talking in sentances! He's actually great with being with my SO and myself. He doesn't seem to miss his Mum at all when he's with us. He's never cried for her one single time. He's been doing this for the last year and he's only two so this is pretty normal for him now. He used to cry when my SO left him with me, to go to the toilet for example, but now he's pretty good unless he's very tired and sometimes then he just wants Daddy!! But he's happy to be left with me now for periods of time. Daddy can go have shower etc and he'll be perfectly happy. He knows now that Daddy always comes back, and that if I'm there, Daddy will be right there too. Yep, it seems everyone else is happy with the situation except her. And yep, I understood what you meant!! A_C has made me think though, and I'll definately take his comments on board. I bought some books on childrens developmental stages and also on parenting so that I could learn about how to better parent R. Looks like it would be worth me picking up one on the role of Step parents. If nothing else, it's worth taking the ideas that fit with me and trying to implement them.
Author littlekitty Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 I can only answer that with telling you what we did.. Our honey moon was for 4 days.. My step daughter was only 4 years old and she was the flower girl in the wedding and has trouble understanding that she couldn't go on the Honeymoon. After we finally got her to understand that is was a time for us we made sure that the 4 days that we were away were some good onnes for her also. Every Morning she woke up she got a present that was something dear to her and then she spent the day going somewhere that she wanted to go.. She was with her Grandma and they went everywhere from the zoo the build a bear workshop. When she would open her daily gift we were on the phone in the morning when she did it.. I think part of successful parenting is never forgeting that really what you are doing is creating memories and to make all her memories as good as possible so when she grows ups she can look back on her childhood and smile.. That's really fab Art. Something I'll definately bear in mind as by then R will be maybe 3 or 4, so we want to ensure he feels a big part of things. Obviously he'll be a page boy and be a big part of the whole day. I wouldn't want it any other way. Thanks for your input... can you recommend any good reading in this area? There's never any harm in learning how to better parent.
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