littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 My SO's exgf and mother of his son often gets angry when my SO takes a vacation day and doesn't use it to spend time with his son. Some background: He sees his son every single weekend without fail on the following rota: Week 1 - Fri pickup 6pm, drop back Sat 3pm Week 2 - Sat pickup 11am, drop back Sun 3pm Week 3 - Fri pickup 6pm, drop back Sun 3pm We also try to have him on a Wednesday twice a month or when ever we can. We can't go out when we have full weekends, or a Sat as we have to be up early and ready for him. We never get a weekend off, or completely free. We have his parents down every 4-6 weeks for a whole weekend as she will no longer allow them to visit her themselves, or take thier grandchild. This means we often get put in a position where we take an extra full weekend. Of course we don't mind, but we do also need some time for 'us' as a couple, and since we both work full time with busy lives, we get very little relaxed one on one time. So quite often we end up taking a vacation day at the end of the weekend or something so that at least now and then we actually get a day where we can lie in together etc. I understand parenting is hard job, and I also understand she does it every day, and we're just part time. When we have children we will still have to make time for us, be it with babysitters or family or whatever. All couples need that. Currently we're still building our relationship and we need time together that is about us as a couple, not us as a family. I think it's fair that we take that. Is it wrong for her to expect that all of my SO's vacation days be spent with his son too? NB. We're taking him to France for the Easter weekend on our holiday and most likely will take him on our Summer holiday to France too. Although we do intend to have a week in Goa in December which he won't be able to join us for, as we intend to get engaged then!! So we do use some of our holiday to spend with his son, just not all?! Your thoughts?
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I don't think she gets mad at you guys per se. Maybe more jealous? Which is totally understandeable. When my BF told his exW that he and I were going to Europe she flipped out. But he talked with her and found out she was unhappy with her job, and never had any money, and wanted to go on vacation herself.
Author littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 I don't think she gets mad at you guys per se. Maybe more jealous? Which is totally understandeable. When my BF told his exW that he and I were going to Europe she flipped out. But he talked with her and found out she was unhappy with her job, and never had any money, and wanted to go on vacation herself. I think it's quite possible that it's more jealousy than anything. It's taken well over a year for her to even begin to move past their breakup, I think there's still some jealousy there. It's strange as she allowed us to take him (this time, we asked before) to France with us and is fine about it, even helped us get the passport. But then she finds out we had a days holiday last week (she mailed my SO about something and got his out of office), and goes mad about it. I guess I wanted to know if anyone felt we were wrong in our actions... we want the best for everyone involved.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Yeah, it's tough to be the innocent bystander. I feel for the kid in these situations, this poor guy gets tugged in 8 different directions. My BF's exW will be really easy going about some things, and then get all stressed out about others, seemingly at random intervals. But I think that in many ways, she kind of suppresses her reaction to things in her life, and uses a particular familiar outlet (anger at my BF) to channel all her frustrations. My BF would blow up about dealing with her for a long time. Since we've been together he's been really cool about dealing with her and things are easier, I think because I explained the whole "channeling of rage" thing to him.
Author littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 Yeah, it's tough to be the innocent bystander. I feel for the kid in these situations, this poor guy gets tugged in 8 different directions. My BF's exW will be really easy going about some things, and then get all stressed out about others, seemingly at random intervals. But I think that in many ways, she kind of suppresses her reaction to things in her life, and uses a particular familiar outlet (anger at my BF) to channel all her frustrations. My BF would blow up about dealing with her for a long time. Since we've been together he's been really cool about dealing with her and things are easier, I think because I explained the whole "channeling of rage" thing to him. Me too... it's the children who really matter. Sounds very similar... she probably still resents him leaving, and therefore channels her frustration and anger at her position in life at us. What she really needs to do is take responsibility for her position and then do something about it. But I don't see that happening. If she can't do it at 30, chances are she never will. We learnt to except her actions and anger. We no longer take it to heart. But it's always good to bounce things off other people and make sure you're not too caught up in the situation to see the light!!
hotgurl Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 well I can kinda see where she is coming from. When does she get a holiday or time to herself or time to form a relationship with a partner. But also you get weekends which is more of a fun time to spend with the kids and she gets the homework disipline school etc.. and really what you guys spend with him is not much time. Plus you too have the evenings to yourselfs during the week, but ican see your side as well. It such a dificult situation when parents split.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 well I can kinda see where she is coming from. When does she get a holiday or time to herself or time to form a relationship with a partner. But also you get weekends which is more of a fun time to spend with the kids and she gets the homework disipline school etc.. and really what you guys spend with him is not much time. Plus you too have the evenings to yourselfs during the week, but ican see your side as well. It such a dificult situation when parents split. Well what can they do? This is the arrangement for custody sharing, the mother gets the lion's share of custody, and the lion's share of responsibility. It's one thing to actively suggest a different strategy and another to just complain about the existing situation.
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Is it wrong for her to expect that all of my SO's vacation days be spent with his son too? No it isn't.. His whole life starts with his son.. then you.. You both should be working towards doing things as a family as that is what you will be one day. See.. he is a family unit.. he isn't just by himself If you and your BF were married would you still feel this way ?.. One day you may be that boys step mom and you yourself won't be able to skip any steps just as he shouldn't right now.. No it isn't wrong to want to have/need just couple time either.. but you have to remember that he comes with a son.. and you do have couple time when he doesn't have the child. ... Just my shiny 2 pennies.. for what it is worth
Author littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 well I can kinda see where she is coming from. When does she get a holiday or time to herself or time to form a relationship with a partner. But also you get weekends which is more of a fun time to spend with the kids and she gets the homework disipline school etc.. and really what you guys spend with him is not much time. Plus you too have the evenings to yourselfs during the week, but ican see your side as well. It such a dificult situation when parents split. Are you serious? She gets a holiday when we take her son on holiday, such as this long weekend, she'll have 6 days to herself. She gets at least one night every weekend, the whole weekend evey third weekend, and often during the week too? Her parents are close and have the children several times a week too. She's had no problems having a relationship as far as I can see, apparently she's dated over 4 men in the 16 months they've been apart. I'm aware we don't spend as much time as she does looking after him, and I'm aware it's not easy on her. But I think to say we don't spend much time with him is not fair. Their son is only 2 years old, so it's all fun time with him right now. We're not hogging the fun weekends and leaving her with all the rough stuff. We've already agreed that once he's able to help get himself ready in the week we'll make it a permanent arrangement for at least another day in the week. So will help with homework etc when that time comes. I barely know any other seperated fathers that see their children that much. Apart from having his son every weekend, all weekend, or another time during the week every week (hard when we both work full time and have to drop him off early), I'm not sure what more we could do?!! What do you suggest? It's not fair for us to have not one single weekend night or weekend free ever, just as it's not fair for her. Yes, we have week nights. But often they are taken up with other things, such as studying, cleaning, general up keep of the house etc. It's not like we're living it up and moaning about it all? The vacation time he has is split between holidays with his son, and the 'us' time pretty evenly. Shucks...
hotgurl Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 sorry I apparently hit a nerve. I didn't mean to offend. If you guys feel the need to take a vacation day to yourselves then do it just don't tell the ex. But also his son might like to spend an extra day with him once in a while as well. But I agree with art it is a package deal and if you to had your own kids' you'd be in a similar situation. and I was also just pointing out the the whole situation is kinda unfair to everyone concerned. I am not too sure hwat to suggest
Author littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 No it isn't.. His whole life starts with his son.. then you.. You both should be working towards doing things as a family as that is what you will be one day. See.. he is a family unit.. he isn't just by himself If you and your BF were married would you still feel this way ?.. One day you may be that boys step mom and you yourself won't be able to skip any steps just as he shouldn't right now.. No it isn't wrong to want to have/need just couple time either.. but you have to remember that he comes with a son.. and you do have couple time when he doesn't have the child. ... Just my shiny 2 pennies.. for what it is worth A_C I agree with you absolutely that he isn't a package alone, he comes with a son. If I hadn't acceppted that, and done so with gusto, then we wouldn't still be together. I even mention 'us as a family' in my OP. We are a family unit, we may be a 'merged' family, but we certainly are a family. And we already work as one. You have no idea how much time, and effort we have put into that. I, for the record, have never once asked that my SO put my needs above his childs. Nor would I. I put his son first at every opportunity to do so. He is the child and he matters. If you and your BF were married would you still feel this way ?.. One day you may be that boys step mom and you yourself won't be able to skip any steps just as he shouldn't right now.. No it isn't wrong to want to have/need just couple time either.. but you have to remember that he comes with a son.. and you do have couple time when he doesn't have the child. Could you explain how you think I'm skipping steps? I'm not asking my SO to do anything. This was what we did in the beginning of our relationship to allow us the time we needed to form a proper relationship, and we've continued this trend. This is something like taking a Monday off every couple of months together? Sometimes we can end up going 3/4 weeks without a weekend night to ourselves where we have his son and take him visiting to family etc. I'm not talking about us buggering off on holiday for 2 weeks and not giving a damn about his son? Is that really so bad of us? Please say if you think so. (The weeks holiday alone this year will be a one off for us to get engaged... but hell sounds like it's hideous of us to do that too...!!) So in your opinion AC, every single moment of his vacation time should be spent with his child? I understand the sentiment, but even if he was still living with her as a family, would it be wrong for him to take a days holiday from work, and take her out for the day and leave their son with family or something? Would that be wrong? What's the difference? Because I'm not the mother doing the full time parenting?
Author littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 sorry I apparently hit a nerve. I didn't mean to offend. If you guys feel the need to take a vacation day to yourselves then do it just don't tell the ex. But also his son might like to spend an extra day with him once in a while as well. But I agree with art it is a package deal and if you to had your own kids' you'd be in a similar situation. and I was also just pointing out the the whole situation is kinda unfair to everyone concerned. I am not too sure hwat to suggest Ehhh it's an emotional issue. Sorry I jumped. Don't get me wrong, he does also take vacation days with his son. Just as I always ensure they get one on one time without me around. It's important that they do. It's just that it's not 100% of his vacation time.
hotgurl Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 also you guys could do a date night mid-week. I have my daughter 24/7 and the weeknight are so hectic and busy. To hve the extra time after work to connect with my B/F would be nice. It just takes some plannning and creativness.
Author littlekitty Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 Lk how does your bf feel about this? He feels his time is divided fairly. He loves his son more than anything in the world and puts him first 100%. But he also sees the need for him to be happy in his own life, so that he can be the best Dad he can be. Gee... I'm kind of disheartened now. I thought we were doing a pretty fair split of things. Maybe not....
hotgurl Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 He feels his time is divided fairly. He loves his son more than anything in the world and puts him first 100%. But he also sees the need for him to be happy in his own life, so that he can be the best Dad he can be. Gee... I'm kind of disheartened now. I thought we were doing a pretty fair split of things. Maybe not.... I think it hard esp with a little biy because they don't understand your need to be together as a couple. and if the mom is angry she could tell the little boy something like daddy is spending his time with his gf and not you. I don't know how the custody split was handeled or if there is any bitterness. Fankly my ex jsut split and I haven't seen him in 7 years and I almost think it easier that way than trying to do joint custody.
a4a Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I don't see where it is unfair or that harmful. And your bf needs a day away from work, home, maybe even you and his child. All people do. And yes you do need the time as a couple and one day a month specifically set aside for just you as a couple is not a cruelty case/neglect issue. It is important to do that.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I think it hard esp with a little boy because they don't understand your need to be together as a couple. and if the mom is angry she could tell the little boy something like daddy is spending his time with his gf and not you. This is so true. My BF's son doesn't understand (or pay attention to) other people having conversations, even. He'll interrupt me, and if I attempt to continue my convo with my BF he turns to me and says "What are you TALKING about?" As if I wasn't speaking before he decided to interrupt. He also just recently had to learn about "knocking". And he gest all upset if I ask him to leave the room when I change my clothes? That is so weird. No, I'm not going to let you see my boobs.
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 A_C I agree with you absolutely that he isn't a package alone, he comes with a son. If I hadn't acceppted that, and done so with gusto, then we wouldn't still be together. I even mention 'us as a family' in my OP. We are a family unit, we may be a 'merged' family, but we certainly are a family. And we already work as one. You have no idea how much time, and effort we have put into that. Nobody could ask for any better... You sound like you have the little boy in plans for the future then.. So in your opinion AC, every single moment of his vacation time should be spent with his child? I understand the sentiment, but even if he was still living with her as a family, would it be wrong for him to take a days holiday from work, and take her out for the day and leave their son with family or something? Would that be wrong? What's the difference? Because I'm not the mother doing the full time parenting? So what is the child to do when he is on Vacation with you ?.. be with his Mother ?? when in reality he should be with his Dad.. You may not be the mother doing full time parenting but it is in your future.. The difference is that you should be acting as a family unit at all times.. because that is what you will be.. It is the right thing to do for the little boy.. I certainly wouldn't want my dad to to ignore me and send me to Grandmas so he can go on vacation.. How damaging that would be to the child if he realized what was happening. Your BF doesn't have the choice you do.. he is a full time parent all the time.. ( well.. when he has the child ) You on the other hand can take off and go on vacation without your BF but when you are married you won't be able to do it.. And like I said i understand your need to have couple time.. but it seems to me that you already have a whole lot of couple time and very little family time.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 You may not be the mother doing full time parenting but it is in your future.. The difference is that you should be acting as a family unit at all times.. because that is what you will be.. It is the right thing to do for the little boy.. I disagree, because they aren't married yet. It's not like you meet the kid and automatically become co-parent. That takes time. To cultivate a relationship, get comfortable with each other, feel out the boundaries and whatnot. I think this is part of the process. And my parents went away without me, on more than one occassion, and I was prefectly fine, not injured in the least. It was a relief. I stayed with my older sisters, we didn't even have a sitter.
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I disagree, because they aren't married yet. It's not like you meet the kid and automatically become co-parent. That takes time. To cultivate a relationship, get comfortable with each other, feel out the boundaries and whatnot. Correct me if I'm wrong but they live together.. or are moving in together.. So yes.. the family unit needs to be intact or it sends the wrong message to the child.. By the way.. I think your gonna be a great parent LK.. I'm just throwing my 2 cents in for the kid..
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Correct me if I'm wrong but they live together.. or are moving in together.. So yes.. the family unit needs to be intact or it sends the wrong message to the child.. By the way.. I think your gonna be a great parent LK.. I'm just throwing my 2 cents in for the kid.. What message would that be? I'm just curious. I personally don't feel comfortable parenting my BF's child.
tinktronik Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I'm not sure exactly how this corrolates with your thread LK , but, I'm a part time parent sometimes and a full time parent other times and comming from the part of a divorced "part time " I was under the impression that I along with their dad rolled out choices that dosen't allow for my boys to have us both in their lives full time .The moment I decide to have them I made a choice that I was no longer one person, This meant that it was a "multiple player game" ,all of the time , I don't think I'd want to take a vacation without my boys , I spend the time I don't have them working my tushie off so that I don't have to work when they are with me and I can maximize my time with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a nite you and your so , just to yourselves occasionally , married couples with their own children do this too.But just remember it's a package deal all the way.
hotgurl Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I also think it is a little more delicate because the child has more instability than if it was always the two parents in the home. It really depends on how long thier been broken up. But when my ex left my little girl went throught the worse seperation anxiety with me. It took time a paintance she just wanted to be reassured I wouldn't leave too. His little boy might need some extra time a paintence to be assure that you won't replace him or take his dads tiem away from him. But I do agree that you two need time as well. But as a whole most parents don't have much alone time.
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 What message would that be? I'm just curious. I personally don't feel comfortable parenting my BF's child. If you don't feel right parenting your BF's kid that is fine.. but you can't ask him to not parent his own child because you don't want to. Well by asking him to NOT parent his own son.. The message being driven home is I don't love you as much as I love her.. Also by asking him to take a vacation without his son it is asking him to not parent his own son.. You are talking about a child not an adult.
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