JackJack Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Background, I have a buddy of mine whom I have been friends with for almost 10 years now. He is a great buddy, however, I'm tired of the crap that goes on in his life. Maybe that sounds ugly and people might say well you're not a real friend. But I am and have been for a long time. I think though, there comes a time when people have had enough of being around a very negative person reguardless of how long they have been friends etc. I have let him vent to me over and over again about his unhealthy relationship with his wife and kids. I have offered him advice, to which he seems to make excuses for at least not trying. Not that my advice might be all that, but I do think its at least worth trying. Here are some of the things that has gone on in his relationship. They both(him and his wife) are very negative people. Be if from bad experiences in life or whatever. They both moan and groan, b*tch and complain about how crappy their lives are, but never do anything about it. Maybe misery loves company, who knows. They call each other hurtful names. They are both emotionally abusive to each other plus their kids. They hollar and scream and cuss at their kids then wonder why their kids don't listen, ummm hello! They are both selfish in many ways. He has even been physically abusive towards his wife, as far as I know not the kids but just to her. The whole house if full of physical, emotional, mental and verbal abuse. I can be talking with him on the cell, and his wife will chime in then he will call her names, idiot, stupid, f ing retard etc. Or he will yell at his kids for them asking a simple question. I just simply don't know what else to do or say to him. They have been to counseling before, but it never really worked. I think because they both didn't want to really put forth the effort. If they want to continue to live in this unhealthy relationship thats fine, I just feel its time for me to remove myself. I find that when I talk to him and he is telling me things about his wife and kids, or if I'm on the phone and his yealling/cussing at them, I fined that I become pissed off, and not wanting to be around him or talk with him. I feel bad for him and his wife, but most of all his kids. I get tired of listening to the same old same old. I get tired of being around and listening to the BS, they either work on things or they don't. I feel that they wont and not sure they ever will. Personally I don't care to associate with people like him who act they way they do. Its abuse on all sides, plain and simple. Sorry this got long, but has anyone else had to back away from, or remove yourself from a toxic relationsip with a family/friend? If so how did you do it? Just stop talking? Or was it a gradual thing, where visiting and talking became less and less?
jerbear Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 For me it was to say something like, stop talking to me and tired of the issues you and your wife are having. As your friend I will be there but it is the same issues every time. Something of the sort. Maybe even gradually take a few "ignore" issues, like the first time he calls but call him back in say 2-3 days. Let them cool off for a while.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Sorry this got long, but has anyone else had to back away from, or remove yourself from a toxic relationsip with a family/friend? If so how did you do it? Just stop talking? Or was it a gradual thing, where visiting and talking became less and less? I would tell him directly that you can't handle the way he is with his family and W, that it's toxic influence has started to effect you, and that you have to disengage for yourself.
Author JackJack Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 I was thinking of coming right out and telling him something along those lines. Not in a rude way, but to at least get my point across. Then theres a part of me that thinks maybe I should just back off gradual. I guess if I go ahead and tell him then its done with, but a gradual thing might eventually make him ask me, whats up with it.
a4a Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I was thinking of coming right out and telling him something along those lines. Not in a rude way, but to at least get my point across. Then theres a part of me that thinks maybe I should just back off gradual. I guess if I go ahead and tell him then its done with, but a gradual thing might eventually make him ask me, whats up with it. In the middle of doing this with a 30 yr friendship now...H and his best friend. Has still yet to ask why the gradual back off. He is totally oblivious. I think my H should have been more to the point. Perhaps it could have shed some light on the situation rather than just ignoring it?
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 In the middle of doing this with a 30 yr friendship now...H and his best friend. Has still yet to ask why the gradual back off. He is totally oblivious. I think my H should have been more to the point. Perhaps it could have shed some light on the situation rather than just ignoring it? I agree. Better to rip the bandaid off.
Author JackJack Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 I agree. Better to rip the bandaid off. Good way of looking at it.
Walk Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I've backed away from a few unhealthy friendships in my life, and not once did any of them ask why, or what was going on. Not one of them. All of them just assumed I was an azz. Never that they had any part in it. I think it'd be better in your situation to state the reason, it may be the wake up call him and his wife need. If nothing else, it'll be the one last attempt you could make in order to get your friend to acknowledge something is wrong in his life. And possibly stop any regrets in the future. It would also give you the energy to find a better friend. Hopefully one who can shed some positive insight into your life. Help you grow and develop too. Instead of drag you down and drain your energy. Getting rid of the negative friends has really been the best thing I could do for myself. The friends I have now are supportive, insightful, and bring happiness to my life. I wouldn't have had the energy or time to find them if I'd clung to my old friends.
Author JackJack Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 I've backed away from a few unhealthy friendships in my life, and not once did any of them ask why, or what was going on. Not one of them. All of them just assumed I was an azz. Never that they had any part in it. I think it'd be better in your situation to state the reason, it may be the wake up call him and his wife need. If nothing else, it'll be the one last attempt you could make in order to get your friend to acknowledge something is wrong in his life. And possibly stop any regrets in the future. It would also give you the energy to find a better friend. Hopefully one who can shed some positive insight into your life. Help you grow and develop too. Instead of drag you down and drain your energy. Getting rid of the negative friends has really been the best thing I could do for myself. The friends I have now are supportive, insightful, and bring happiness to my life. I wouldn't have had the energy or time to find them if I'd clung to my old friends. I agree. I do think its best to tell him straight up the reason, and save myself from being asked later if I do it gradual. Knowing my buddy he will ask. "Hey dude why haven't I heard from you? Why don't you and your g/f want to hang out the me and the Mrs, anymore? Where ya been?" etc etc. I would hate to just use th excuse, "been busy." So better to get it out of the way. "Hopefully one who can shed some positive insight into your life." This is my thinking as well. I like to try to surround myself with positive people if possible. This buddy is not. Its all about cry me a river my life sucks blah blah blah, and yours probably does or will to. I like to be up, not down. They are always like this. I have found the more I would talk to them/hang out, I would leave feeling angry and depresssed. I do not want that for myself. I will probably tell him soon. Like maybe today! It wont be easy, we have been friends for 10 years. Why do I feel like crap?
Tim'sAngel Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Wow this is such a hard subject! I am having to do this w/my best friend of 16 years. I have put up w/her sensativity and emotional roller coasters all this time and now that I have a baby and a fiance, I don't have time to put up w/her petty whining and the way she always gets her feelings hurt over every little thing. We used to have our own lil group of friends. It was her sister, our mutual friend and then me and her. During our friendship, my best friend would come to me and talk behind the others backs about them, and how they hurt her feelings... bla bla bla, and I know she does this w/them about me as well and I dont' think I have to put up w/that. It's really hard because I genuinely love her and we have been through so much together, but I am no longer benefiting from our relationship. In fact, I find myself getting depressed over it. I thought about posting about this in the friendship forum. It's a verry hard thing to do but putting up w/negetive friendships is hurting us in the long run. Good luck!! I wish you the best. I know how hard it is
Author JackJack Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 Thanks I apprecaite that. Hope all works out with your situation too. You know I remember my buddy telling me awhile back after they had been to see a counselor for awhile, that even the counselor made the comment to them that he really couldn't help them anymore, because he didn't know what else to tell them to do/try. It wasn't the couneslors fault, it was theirs. They never tried anything or at least for a certain amount of time the cousnelor had suggested. The work has to come from the two people involved. Guess even the counselor saw this as a losing battle because he could see they weren't trying. Thats kind of sad really. You would have thought that would have told them something, guess not.
Tim'sAngel Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Thanks I apprecaite that. Hope all works out with your situation too. You know I remember my buddy telling me awhile back after they had been to see a counselor for awhile, that even the counselor made the comment to them that he really couldn't help them anymore, because he didn't know what else to tell them to do/try. It wasn't the couneslors fault, it was theirs. They never tried anything or at least for a certain amount of time the cousnelor had suggested. The work has to come from the two people involved. Guess even the counselor saw this as a losing battle because he could see they weren't trying. Thats kind of sad really. You would have thought that would have told them something, guess not. Well if they don't care about themselves, you'd think they would at least do something for the kids. That is one thing I cannot stand!! My parents had lots of married problems while I was growing up, and I didn't even know it until 2 years before they separated because they hardly argued in front of me. That is the least you can do!!
a4a Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Jack if a MC threw the towel in on them I don't think that they are willing to change. You are probably much better off without having the negative influence in your life. People like this thrive on misery. You are better off without them in your life. The unfortunate thing is their kids. Honestly that is the only reason you should even bother to confront them as to why you are choosing to remove them from your life. Small chance that just maybe it may get them to stop and think. Otherwise, it would just be a waste of breath. IMHO
Author JackJack Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 Jack if a MC threw the towel in on them I don't think that they are willing to change. You are probably much better off without having the negative influence in your life. People like this thrive on misery. You are better off without them in your life. The unfortunate thing is their kids. Honestly that is the only reason you should even bother to confront them as to why you are choosing to remove them from your life. Small chance that just maybe it may get them to stop and think. Otherwise, it would just be a waste of breath. IMHO I agree. Well I'm on a lunch break right now, and thinking of doing this now, because I would rather get this out of the way. I'm expecting him to call me shortly, he usually does on lunch break to just shoot the sh*t, so I will let you all know how it goes.
a4a Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I agree. Well I'm on a lunch break right now, and thinking of doing this now, because I would rather get this out of the way. I'm expecting him to call me shortly, he usually does on lunch break to just shoot the sh*t, so I will let you all know how it goes. Good for you Jack. Break a leg!
Caroline963 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 You don't know how many toxic people I've had to eliminate from my life these past couple of years. Talk about people who are draining and who've sucked the life out me - I first got out of a bad job situation (toxic boss) and am right now getting out of a toxic relationship. Sometimes you just gotta clean house. I live by the quote: "If you try to rescue someone who's drowning you'll end up being sucked down with them". So many people are self absorbed and stuck in doom and gloom. They walk around with that dark raincloud over their heads and it's always "Poor me" a walking pity party. Some people get stuck in their misery and hash out their problems over and over and over........... I always say "You know - I've listened to you go on about this for quite some time now. But I'm cutting the umbilical cord and setting you free!". That's why I get on here and unload - I don't want to burden my friends or family at all. I can be anonymous and dump it all out here and get it out of my system and save my friends from the agony!
Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 ...and am right now getting out of a toxic relationship. So Caroline, I'm taking it your breaking up w/bf?
Author JackJack Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Well, I did it. He called to shoot the sh*t like I thought he would on lunch break. I sat and listened to him for the first few minutes, and then it happened. He mentioned how crappy his life was, and started in with the "I'm tried of this and that" story, only to sit and do nothing about it. I was as nice as I knew how to be. I wasn't rude, but firm and I do believe I handled it well, or at least I did till I got off the phone. I simply told him, that I cared alot about him and his family, and that we had been buds for 10 years. His friendship meant alot to me. I told him, that for so long I had listened to him vent, and carry on about his life and family, and that I couldn't do it anymore. I said to him, I wasn't trying to be ugly, I just didn't have the mental strength to continue to listen to someone who chose not to at least try to do something about their situation. Before I could finish he chimmed in, and started to cuss me right away. Telling me, "Who do you think you are? You think you're better than me? Oh, you have never had problems in your life? You're calling the tea kettle black." After he was done with those statements, I told him, "I never said I was free of problems. I have problems, everyone does. I do not think I 'm better than you, by no means. If I did I wouldn't have been your friend for as long as I was." He goes on and on, about how I think I'm better than him. That was never even an issue, but for some reason he sees fit to through that in there. I was getting a little more and more mad as we talked. So this time I raised my voice a little, not much but more firm than before. He asked me why was I doing this? I told him, I thought he was abusive, in many way to his family, especailly his kids, and that this wife was about as bad as he was. I told him how when I talk to him, they are both either yelling and cussing at each other over stupid stuff, or they are yelling and cussing at their kids. I told him if he was that unhappy and didn't want to be a husband or a father and didn't want a family life, then to get out of his situation, I was tired of him moaning over something he wasn't willing to try to help fix. If anything, rid your kids of your hurtful words that come from your mouth. I told him, that my g/f and I have our share of problems, but I'm not abusive to her in my words or actions. And neither is she towards me. I told him if I got married and had kids, I couldn't imagine in a million years, yelling, cussing, belittling them etc. The whole time I'm saying this, I'm thinking to myself some people shouldn't have kids if they are going to treat them that way. My last few things I said to him were, I would really like us to be friends again in the near future, but not as long as you and your family can't get your act together. I will not continue to listen to you cuss them, abuse them, and act the way you do around them. If you really want to try to change your ways to improve your relationship with your wife and kids please do so. Go back to another counselor or remember things from the last counslor and try to aply them to your relationship. If not then I guess thats the choice you have made. I told him I wish him the best, and I hoped all worked out for him and his family. I hung up. At that point I felt I was drained. Drained from explaining to him how I felt about things, just like I feel drained when he is going on and on about his family. I do think I handled it well. As best as I thought I could, considereing I had been putting it off for so long anyway. Even though I said what I needed to say, and felt I handled it well, I wonder why it is, I feel like crap?
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 It's an awkward and uncomfortable situation all around, Jack. Ideally he would hear you out and it would be a wake up call. even better if you never had to do this at all. You're exhausted and drained, it will take a bit for you to get back 100% so be patient. Great job, you really handled that like a man!
Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 At that point I felt I was drained. Drained from explaining to him how I felt about things, just like I feel drained when he is going on and on about his family. I do think I handled it well. As best as I thought I could, considereing I had been putting it off for so long anyway. Even though I said what I needed to say, and felt I handled it well, I wonder why it is, I feel like crap? Well you just broke up with your friend of 10 years. That is by no means an easy thing to do. I think you handled it very well!! I would have broke down and started yelling and getting emotional and angry, sounds like you kept your cook while saying everything you needed to say. The whole "you think your better than me" thing was just cuz he didn't have anything else to say. He knows your right. He's just to lazy to do anything about it. And who knows, maybe it took what you did to get him to think about it. If he really cares about you as a friend (if he is capable of caring) then he won't take what you said lightly. Great job!! You will feel better later I'm sure
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