jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 What does a girl that is 23 years old, lost her virginity at 18, and has slept with about 35-40 peolpe think of herself? Until a few weeks ago, I dated this girl for about 5 months and a few months into it she told me how many people she had been with. She told me it was about 35. Since we have broken up, I know she has had a few one night stands. Why does a girl act like this? Do girls like this try to fill some type of empty void in their lives or do they get self gratification from this? I just don't know how she could look at herself in the mirror every morning knowing that she is such a slut. Does she have no self respect or self worth? Is there some type of deep rooted issue that causes this type of behavior? I just wanted to get some opinions on this because I feel like such a fool for actually caring about someone that is like this. Thanks
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 She may have low self-esteem. She may have been molested as a child and thinks that all men want from her is sex. She may have been raped and no longer thinks sex is special or sacred. She may think that sex is sex, and it's just a bodily function. Bottom line is, she has a different attitude about it, you don't like it, so you broke up. I personally don't like judging others for the most part. ANd I think it refelcts poorly on individuals who do. The most you should feel is pity or compassion for her if you think she is so much less of a human being than you are.
Author jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 I never said she was less of a person than I am. She is the one that broke up with me and I cared about her very much. When I found out about how many people she had been with, I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking that she had changed. She told me she doesn't do that anymore, but I guess she was lying to me.
bab Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I just don't know how she could look at herself in the mirror every morning knowing that she is such a slut. Does she have no self respect or self worth? Is there some type of deep rooted issue that causes this type of behavior? Thanks But if she was a guy she'd be a stud, right? Like B_O says, who knows why she does it. But it's not fair for you to judge her.
a4a Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Well lets see......... in about 5 years she has slept with 35 people. 7-8ish people per year. When you look at it that way it does not seem all that "wild". I guess it would also depend on what you consider sex...... clinton sex or actual sex? She still has me beat but I don't see that being too slutty....... If she was a male it would not be an issue at all. Believe it or not some women like sex just as much as men. Some are not looking to "fall in love" but just looking to find a great POA. She cannot be that slutty for finally losing her virginity at 18...... sheesh that is almost a record in this day.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I never said she was less of a person than I am. She is the one that broke up with me and I cared about her very much. When I found out about how many people she had been with, I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking that she had changed. She told me she doesn't do that anymore, but I guess she was lying to me. No, she is lying to herself. THe best thing to do is leave it be. She will eventually have to deal with the repurcussions of her self-destructive behavior. Having so many sexual partners in such a short period of time is very much akin to the addictive behaviors of alcoholics or addicts. It's a self-destructive motivation that comes from pathologically low self-esteem. I was like this myself, when I was a full blown drug addict and alcoholic, almost right after I was violently raped. I didn't think I was worth anything any more, and the man who raped me told me no man would ever value me again, and I believed him. It took years for me to get to a better palce in my head.
Author jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 thanks Blind otter That is what I was kind of thinking. I just don't know what caused her to be like this. Her family live is very stable and she is a very caring and sweet person, she is just very reckless when it comes to sex and it is almost like an accomplishment to her. When she told me, it seemed as if she was proud of it.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 thanks Blind otter That is what I was kind of thinking. I just don't know what caused her to be like this. Her family live is very stable and she is a very caring and sweet person, she is just very reckless when it comes to sex and it is almost like an accomplishment to her. When she told me, it seemed as if she was proud of it. Considering that in our society this isn't really considered an accomplishment for women, I'd say that screams "overcompensation" to me. It's hard to say, hun. Don't dwell on it too much.
KittenMoon Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I've always found that people who sleep around a lot simply because they like sex will not make it a point to tell you all about it. Those who make it like an accomplishment are just looking for attention, approval, and ultimately justification for their actions. I had an old roomate that I adored until the day she sat me down and actually listed every guy she had slept with and the circumstances, which in several cases, were screwed up (revenge, etc). I realized how messed up she was and after that I didn't respect her as much. My other friends who I know have slept around but don't make it a point to turn it into a "look at me- I'm so cool...right?" situation, I'm fine with. I think this girl is like my ex-roomie. You're probably better off.
Author jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 The only reason I started this thread is because I know find myself questioning our whole relationship. We got very serious really quick, which I normally try not to do, and now I feel like I was being used for sex the whole time and that it meant nothing to her. That would have been fine if I didn't develop very strong feelings for her.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 The only reason I started this thread is because I know find myself questioning our whole relationship. We got very serious really quick, which I normally try not to do, and now I feel like I was being used for sex the whole time and that it meant nothing to her. That would have been fine if I didn't develop very strong feelings for her. I doubt this is the case. People don't pantomim the intimacy of a serious relationship just for sex. That takes way too much effort. More likely she was afraid fo the committment that feelings for you represented.
Author jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 Her roommate was the exact same way. She started dating my good friend a few weeks before we got together and then they broke up right after we did. We both thought it was very wierd that we both broke up one right after the other. I just feel like I should have read all the red flags and I could have avoided a lot of pain.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Her roommate was the exact same way. She started dating my good friend a few weeks before we got together and then they broke up right after we did. We both thought it was very wierd that we both broke up one right after the other. I just feel like I should have read all the red flags and I could have avoided a lot of pain. As my dear father always said, wish in one hand, s*** in the other, and see which one gets full first. You can't avoid pain. It's part of the human condition and one of the most powerful motivators for personal growth. To avoid pain would be to have the mental and emotional capacity of an infant. Deal with it, grow from it, move on, and don't whine about pain. It builds character. I can sit here all day and fiercely want to be free from the pain I feel, but that would mean my life would be very limited.
Author jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 blind otter, I am not trying to whine about my pain. I take full responsibility for what I am feeling. I do not blame her. She threw up many red flags which I chose to put in the back of my mind because I cared about her and loved spending time with her. I had a feeling all along that I would end up getting hurt by this relationship. It was my mistake to think that if I treated her well and cared about her that I could change the way she is. I still care for her, I just wish she could see the destructive things that she does to herself. I know now that it is not my place anymore to say anything, even though I wish I could bring it to her attention.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 blind otter, I still care for her, I just wish she could see the destructive things that she does to herself.. Sadly, the issue is that she does not care for herself. I'm not saying you're whining, but you can't avoid pain. It's life. It hurts. It's not fair. But this is the reality that every single person deals with every day.
Author jonnie5 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 i realized that she did not care for herself and I tried everyday to express that I thought she was a great person. I tried to give her a unique compliment whenever I could. I knew she didn't like herself because she constantly said she was fat even though she was rail thin and she also had an eating disorder when she was 19. She also said nobody would ever want to be with her because she had no goals in life. When I started dating her, she had not had a boyfriend in a very long time and I think she could have gotten scared since we got pretty serious. I just wish she could see in herself what I saw in her.
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I think it would be beneficial for you to try to focus your attention on something worthwhile, like school or some kind of volunteer project, for at least a short period of time while you get over this relationship and re-establish you balance.
alphamale Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 What does a girl that is 23 years old, lost her virginity at 18, and has slept with about 35-40 peolpe think of herself? she's just young and having fun and making up for lost time.
Cecelius Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 I agree with Blind Otter -- either she's just got hugely different attitudes about it, or she is doing it/allowing it because of some other issue. Either way, now you know that if you come up against those kinds of numbers, it's best to just walk away (unless there is a significant amount of time for her to have healed from whatever it was). And on your original question, chances are that it does not register in her mind, just as the addict or alchoholic does not see the problem.
MadDog Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 But if she was a guy she'd be a stud, right? But that's a big if. If you're a halfway decent looking woman, you can easily get laid by just going to a bar or club. If you're a guy, it takes a fair amount of skill to get that many chicks assuming they're not all desperate ones or something.
Noos Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I think 7 or 8 a year is a lot. I can't find a guy I'd like to have coffee with, let alone shag.
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 If she were a guy, there would be high-fives all around.
Cecelius Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 What MadDog said. As I have said a million times, there are plenty of standards that women apply to men but not themselves. A male buyer in the competative love marketplace is entitled to try to get what he wants, and he is likely to want someone who doesn't give it out to everyone.
Guest Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 She may just like sex and not take it as seriously as a number of other people. Let her live her own life and make her own decisions. Just because someone's comfortable enough to live how they want, doesn't mean it's wrong. Just because YOU wouldn't sleep with 40 girls doesn't give you the right to judge her decisions. After all, it's her life, her body, and her choice. She can only do what is right for her.
Recommended Posts