Thought it was working out

[beachrosie]

Hello,

 

I was on here sometime ago, and really made every attempt to letting go of my relationship with a married man. We did go back to being friends, and it seemed like our friendship was sweet and very loving without sex.

 

But then it turned towards us being together every chance we could possibly get...and then the sex returned.

 

He moved from one part of house to another, and she would continually tear up clothing, throwing it in the pool, breaking the house apart, destroying a lot of his property (this has nothing to do with me---other issues they've been having).

 

One time he told me even though she thought he and I were friends, they got into so giant fight at midnight, and he left to go to the store to cool off. She was going to see if he went to my house, and if he did, she was going to jump me with her teenage daughter and burn my house down!

 

If you knew him, you would never believe that he has been in a relationship like this for so long. His family (parents) want him to get away from her and their situation because it is extremely abusive and dangerous. He found love with me, and they know this, and are so happy this is true.

 

Fast forward last week. We spent a couple of nights together after she was chasing him through the house and smashing things. He called me and I came to meet him. We stayed in a hotel that she tracked him down at, because he used a credit card. He told her nothing happened, but it did and has been happening. He moved out.

 

Then yesterday, she comes by (where he is staying) stating she wants him back and is having paniac attacks. He wants to not loose touch with his son, and for their house not to fall apart.

 

He told her he would go to counseling, or he has been trying to get her there so it will set the wheels in motion of someone else coming in and telling them it is best if they seperated. He can't imagine anyone suggesting them stay together because of the volence and screaming in front of the 11 year old.

 

I feel devistated today. All week, and even Saturday, all we talked about was our future together. But now, it feels scary as hell because there is so much trama going on, even after he left. He doesn't want to hurt his son, but I honestly believe the child is hurt by him staying and her behavior.

 

I don't know what I am doing...sort of going out of my mind this morning. He spent Saturday evening with me (at my house). I felt so happy yesterday morning, but it went down hill fast after he told me about their conversation. He said he knows she is a psycopath and he just needs for her to get help whether they are ever together or not.

 

He said he still loves her, but doesn't like her a person - at all. He has no desire to be intimate with her and well...Please help me...please

[beachrosie]

help, i am just so scared.

[whichwayisup]

Find yourself a therapist to talk to. This man is choosing to go home, to try again with his wife. I am betting she went NUTS because she KNEW he was lying to her. Imagine her pain, what you are feeling now - Magnify that 100x, and that's how she feels. It's HER husband and she feels threatened and at a loss with what's been going on.

 

Remember too, he has lied to her so I'm sure there were times he's lied to you as well.

 

You have to find a way to get through this, you're better off leaving him alone to give them a chance to work on the marriage together.

[Sami_D]

Sounds like a weak man telling each woman what she wants (?) to hear, whichever he's with. SO many MM seem to be like this.

 

What to do?

 

Very difficult to make a decision when he's telling you what you need to hear to keep hanging on. But look at his actions... no wonder she's going nuts when he's messing around, not telling her it's over, staying in hotels with other women..? And what is this 'love' that he shares with you..? Sounds more like you're a place he can run to when his W gets angry with him (completely justifiably by the sound of it). Sounds like a little boy having trouble with Mum and running round to grannies house (sorry, not a great analogy, but there you go).

 

He needs to grow some, decide what to do, and then do it. Without dragging other people through the coals in the meantime.

 

If he won't... then you have to make a stand for yourself. In fact, it would be great if you started today.

[Blind Illusion]

I also vote tp find yourslef a therapist to speak with, although I don't think your pain is any less than hers.

[beachrosie]

Find yourself a therapist to talk to. This man is choosing to go home, to try again with his wife. I am betting she went NUTS because she KNEW he was lying to her. Imagine her pain, what you are feeling now - Magnify that 100x, and that's how she feels. It's HER husband and she feels threatened and at a loss with what's been going on.

 

Remember too, he has lied to her so I'm sure there were times he's lied to you as well.

 

You have to find a way to get through this, you're better off leaving him alone to give them a chance to work on the marriage together.

 

No, he isn't necessarily going home. They were going to go to marriage counseling before, at my own suggestion. It's not so much about working it out as it is the son being subject to violence.

 

She has been screaming and yelling at him long before he and I even became friends. I was away on vacation when he calls me to tell me she had been awake all night drinking and he found her naked in a hot tub with some ex-boyfriend of her friend. He was ill with a high fever in bed for two days, and only got up because the dog was crying to be let out. She has been throwing him out continually, and it had nothing to do with me because I wasn't even in the picture.

 

He found me and I him because we share the same personality type and interests. He tells everyone I am his best friend and he told his parents that I am his soul mate. He has remained in the relationship for the children and I definitely believe it.

 

His parents are terrified she might kill him and believes "he deserves a metal for sticking around as long as he has".

[blind_otter]

I am surprised that you assume he is telling you the truth.

 

If his W behaves this way and he hasn't got the balls to leave her, he is playing the victim game.

 

I've been in more than one abusive relationship. There is no such thing as a blameless victim, years of therapy have taught me that. He choses to stay in the situation, and seek solace from you, instead of doing what is necessary to protect his assets and his child?

 

I find that hard to believe. And if it is true, he is a coward.

 

Have you spoken with his parents?

[beachrosie]

Sounds like a weak man telling each woman what she wants (?) to hear, whichever he's with. SO many MM seem to be like this.

 

What to do?

 

Very difficult to make a decision when he's telling you what you need to hear to keep hanging on. But look at his actions... no wonder she's going nuts when he's messing around, not telling her it's over, staying in hotels with other women..? And what is this 'love' that he shares with you..? Sounds more like you're a place he can run to when his W gets angry with him (completely justifiably by the sound of it). Sounds like a little boy having trouble with Mum and running round to grannies house (sorry, not a great analogy, but there you go).

 

He needs to grow some, decide what to do, and then do it. Without dragging other people through the coals in the meantime.

 

If he won't... then you have to make a stand for yourself. In fact, it would be great if you started today.

 

His love with me is more than a place to run. He often says he feels we were seperated at birth. We also share work interests.

 

I am trying to take a stand. It was only two days ago we were planning our future. But today I am scared, as their are children involved, and definitely easily seen manipulation occuring.

[beachrosie]

I also vote tp find yourslef a therapist to speak with, although I don't think your pain is any less than hers.

 

 

I am going to one today at 3:00 pm.

[beachrosie]

I am surprised that you assume he is telling you the truth.

 

If his W behaves this way and he hasn't got the balls to leave her, he is playing the victim game.

 

I've been in more than one abusive relationship. There is no such thing as a blameless victim, years of therapy have taught me that. He choses to stay in the situation, and seek solace from you, instead of doing what is necessary to protect his assets and his child?

 

I find that hard to believe. And if it is true, he is a coward.

 

Have you spoken with his parents?

 

Yes, I thought so - the victim game is what I thought too. I'm certain that it is true though...I really am. I also think he might have some weaknesses, but aren't women who have been subject to years of domestic abuse?

 

Yes, I have...his parents love me, and he introduced them to me sometime ago. I think even back then he was preparing them for my "arrival". They often say how much they love me. The other day we were all out to dinner, and they said, "He is very in love with you...head over heals." They said they wished he could get away from the other situation because it is absolutely horrible, and that the reason why he remains is because of his son. He is very worried about his son.

 

I told him it is in the best interest of the son for him to do something and soon. The school has been calling in recent months saying that the child is acting different at school, and said something about screaming. This is very sad.

[blind_otter]

Yes, I thought so - the victim game is what I thought too. I'm certain that it is true though...I really am. I also think he might have some weaknesses, but aren't women who have been subject to years of domestic abuse?

 

Cry me a river, I say. Weakness is weakness, it has nothing to do with the situation. I refuse to see myself as a victim, therefore I am not. I have been through the wringer when it comes to physical abuse and rape. And I am stronger for it, not weaker.

 

It has to do, in my very humble opinion, with the innate character of the individual AND the environment.

 

But I find it inexcuseable to continue to allow his own child to be exposed to that.

[beachrosie]

Cry me a river, I say. Weakness is weakness, it has nothing to do with the situation. I refuse to see myself as a victim, therefore I am not. I have been through the wringer when it comes to physical abuse and rape. And I am stronger for it, not weaker.

 

It has to do, in my very humble opinion, with the innate character of the individual AND the environment.

 

But I find it inexcuseable to continue to allow his own child to be exposed to that.

 

I totally agree with you. How did you get to the other side...to be stronger from abuse and rage?

 

I feel the same thing about the child. It is very scary to me, but I do know he fears leaving because the child could be in a worst situation.

[target-d]

I feel the same thing about the child. It is very scary to me, but I do know he fears leaving because the child could be in a worst situation.

 

He only needs to get proof and take it to court. courts do NOT just jump on the side of the woman anymore. they will truly work hard to get the child into the best position possible. If he really wants out and really wants to take care of his child in the best way possible, he can.

[awifebetrayed]

He said he knows she is a psycopath and he just needs for her to get help whether they are ever together or not.

 

He said he still loves her, but doesn't like her a person - at all. He has no desire to be intimate with her and well...Please help me...please

 

This is HIS side of the story. He will tell you things so you will feel so sympathatic to him.

 

My husband told his bi*tch (and I say that b/c she KNEW we were married) that I was a psych to.. Why? Because I questioned where he was when things didnt add up, and I didnt believe his lies. I checked his emails and cell phone, but I was just paranoid, right? He said I was a pig, bad house keeper, sit on my ass all day and watched tv, and never gave him sex. We had sex about 3 times a week.

 

He also told his b*itch that he didnt want to have sex with me. He was not attracted to me like he was, but he still loved me.

 

 

In the end, her impression of me must have been some psycho lazy ass non-sexual woman. NOTHING could have been further than the truth.

 

He said all that, to justify to himself, and to his b*tch that it was ok to do what they do because he lacked all that at home.

 

I know this b/c the b*tch told me.

 

We both saw the lies. Now, she is gone, and I am left here wondering why I stayed.

[My_Other_I]

The *b*itch* was the one who was truthful to you and yet you still call her names. She was the one mislead (yes, she knew, but it's very easy to feel sorry for a man who's wife is viewed as someone you've described), not your hubby. I suggest you stop focusing on her and your bitterness with her and figure out why you've stayed with someone who has no respect for you.

[beachrosie]

The *b*itch* was the one who was truthful to you and yet you still call her names. She was the one mislead (yes, she knew, but it's very easy to feel sorry for a man who's wife is viewed as someone you've described), not your hubby. I suggest you stop focusing on her and your bitterness with her and figure out why you've stayed with someone who has no respect for you.

 

It's sad to see her so upset. It's true too, that the OW was mislead, because as the eariler poster said, "he plays the victim" card. A marriage is breaking down a long time before anyone steps outside of it. No one wants to be degraded, disrespected or treated like the "have" to do and that just because another person said so. I notice that a lot of people are miserable in marriages because they do not like living life under a dictatorship. Also people that manipulate children or use them against the spouse is abuse to the child as well.

[blind_otter]

It's sad to see her so upset. It's true too, that the OW was mislead, because as the eariler poster said, "he plays the victim" card. A marriage is breaking down a long time before anyone steps outside of it. No one wants to be degraded, disrespected or treated like the "have" to do and that just because another person said so. I notice that a lot of people are miserable in marriages because they do not like living life under a dictatorship. Also people that manipulate children or use them against the spouse is abuse to the child as well.

 

Which is why there is something called a DIVORCE, that you can get in every state!

[zarathustra]

I think that in life people don't always make the wisest and best choices. I don't think that taking the wrong path makes you bad, just makes you lost.

 

AWifeBetrayed, if you are wondering what you are doing with this man who lied and betrayed you, you really should re-evaluate where you are. Are you lost or are you on the right path? Only you can determine that.

 

Beachrosie, I think the general consensus is that he musters the strength to get him and his child away from an abusive situation. Wheter he is with you or not. If he can prove abuse in the relationship, she could be deemed unfit to raise the child and be granted supervised visitation. To really know this, he needs to seek legal advice. Has he done that yet? If so, great! If not, then you need to ask yourself why not?

[beachrosie]

She called me and I didn't return the call. He isn't living at home and has moved out. I'm concerned the instability of the situation is about to come to a head.

 

I went conseling the other day, and much to my surprise the counselor didn't tell me to dump him. She just wants me to focus on myself, but she had faith that I am sure about him. I shared my experiences with him and what has transpired in our lives. She is the one that used the term "soul mates" and I found that to be deeply interesting. She (counselor) is a PhD and really connecting with her patiences.

 

I really want to believe it is going to work between us, over time, but still I am worried that I am unable to handle it. His W called and emailed him today, and he felt sick afterwards. He is very worried about his child. She wanted to tell the child "alone" that they were seperating. He wanted to be there to the child also. She didn't want that. He is going to talk to him today. The violence just has to stop, whether i am in the picture or not.

[blind_otter]

I went conseling the other day, and much to my surprise the counselor didn't tell me to dump him. She just wants me to focus on myself, but she had faith that I am sure about him. I shared my experiences with him and what has transpired in our lives. She is the one that used the term "soul mates" and I found that to be deeply interesting. She (counselor) is a PhD and really connecting with her patiences.

 

Hun, a PhD in psychology doesn't make you a spiritual guru. 90% of the people in my undergrad program for psych were all seriously f***ed in the head.

 

I hate it when people think their therapists are all knowing beings of wisdom and light.

 

Any therapist worth their salt would not interject their personal beliefs or attitudes into a session. But whatever, this always falls on deaf ears.

 

There are no national standards for practicing mental health professionals, which irks me to no end.

[beachrosie]

I think that in life people don't always make the wisest and best choices. I don't think that taking the wrong path makes you bad, just makes you lost.

 

AWifeBetrayed, if you are wondering what you are doing with this man who lied and betrayed you, you really should re-evaluate where you are. Are you lost or are you on the right path? Only you can determine that.

 

Beachrosie, I think the general consensus is that he musters the strength to get him and his child away from an abusive situation. Wheter he is with you or not. If he can prove abuse in the relationship, she could be deemed unfit to raise the child and be granted supervised visitation. To really know this, he needs to seek legal advice. Has he done that yet? If so, great! If not, then you need to ask yourself why not?

 

 

He is seeking legal counsel today..he left work early and said he will call me tonight. I actually called a (Psy) couselor just for "him" to go to this morning. He is really my best friend, first and foremost and I really don't want to see him spin out of control. I feel worried today because we normally talk 10 - 15 times a day,and also see each other, and today...he was very depressed. His little person has been having a hard time, and he has only been out of the house 7 days.

 

Thank you all for writing me...it really really helps.

[beachrosie]

Hun, a PhD in psychology doesn't make you a spiritual guru. 90% of the people in my undergrad program for psych were all seriously f***ed in the head.

 

I hate it when people think their therapists are all knowing beings of wisdom and light.

 

Any therapist worth their salt would not interject their personal beliefs or attitudes into a session. But whatever, this always falls on deaf ears.

 

There are no national standards for practicing mental health professionals, which irks me to no end.

 

I have seen her before for different situations over the years. When my own marriage ended she told me to protect myself and my children. I did that and my life has been very peaceful without any rollercoaster rides...well, until now. One other time I was in a relationship (10 years ago) and she told me to drop it and fast...and I did...and am better for it.

[blind_otter]

I have seen her before for different situations over the years. When my own marriage ended she told me to protect myself and my children. I did that and my life has been very peaceful without any rollercoaster rides...well, until now. One other time I was in a relationship (10 years ago) and she told me to drop it and fast...and I did...and am better for it.

 

It's good that worked out for ya.

 

But therapists are not supposed to "tell" their clients to do anything. It's considered unethical. You have a very sensitive position of power and a relationship with your clients, and at least in every therapy practicum I ever took, this was a BIG no - no.

[beachrosie]

It's good that worked out for ya.

 

But therapists are not supposed to "tell" their clients to do anything. It's considered unethical. You have a very sensitive position of power and a relationship with your clients, and at least in every therapy practicum I ever took, this was a BIG no - no.

 

I agree - but perhaps she looks at me as more of a friend. She is available by telephone even on the weekends. She is in recovery and always has an open door.