Affair-Ending 101

[Blind Illusion]

Does anyone remember as a child, the discomfort of taking off a band-aid from a wound when it seemed to be stuck to your skin?

 

There were two ways to do this. One method was straight-forward and quickly. A sharp wince and pain and it was done. The second technique was to methodically remove the affixed bandage, little by little, to insure the minimal amount of pain. It took a lot longer this way but you hardly noticed the pain.

 

Interestingly enough, the slow painless method is the way I always preferred.

 

Unfortunately, life isn't as simple as band-aid removal.

 

I haven't heard from MM in a week and now he is away. It doesn't bother me as much as it once did. (although, it still bothers me, I must admit)

Maybe I am slowly putting this whole thing behind me, little by little.

Maybe the whole thing will just fizzle out and I would have gradually have gotten used to this, little by little, until the affair is no more. Has this ever happened to anyone?

 

Life isn't a band-aid being taken off, though & I wonder which way is actually better. Would a clean cut have been better for me, even if the pain would have seemed insurmountable? My gut feeling is probably, but my hearts natural reaction is to avoid as much pain as possible. Did I have more happier moments in this prolonged dragged out affair? Did that compensate for the fact that I lived in an emotional limbo for many years also. So many questions...so few answers. The biggest one of all is I am really able to be over this?

 

Are all the sides of the bandage practically severed and one final last pull is all it will take. I have been prolonging that last pull forever now. Sometimes, I even find myself putting back a side or 2 even though it don't stick as well anymore just so the band-aid is still there. Deep down, I like the band aid being there, maybe

[Curmudgeon]

Good analogy. Remember, a bandaid is there to cushion and protect the wound. You'll know when it's job is done and it will come off all by itself in the shower!

[My_Other_I]

Your band aid is what makes you feel safe. You are protected, your voids are patched up. You don't have to face the open wound. You know it's there, but it's covered. When the time comes, you will slowly peek under your band aid and see no wound - to your surprise. You will still hesitate to remove it; overall it's been there for so long and you are used to it.

When the time comes, you will take it off - pain free.

[Owl]

I can't think of any spiffy band-aid analogies to use here, but from what I've seen/learned, it seems to me that an affair really can't end slowly.

 

I've never yet seen one case where they slowly backed off, ended it and just remained friends, and it was never an issue again.

 

In my experience, it almost always has to end fast and furiously...because the addictive nature of the situation tends to keep sucking both of them back in...over and over again until finally one or the other DOES end it hard and fast.

 

Realize that almost every MM/MW involved in the affair FIGHTS LIKE CRAZY to keep the OM/OW in their lives in any way possible...almost always they want to keep that "friendship" alive even if the affair ends. Most BS's know instinctively that this never works...they almost always fight like crazy to completely sever those ties, since they know that they'll remain a threat to the safety of their marriage. And the MM/MW keeps this mantra up for a good while...until the 'withdrawl' of the affair ends, and they begin to resume some semblence of normal thinking.

 

My wife went through this as well...she INSISTED that she be allowed to keep OM as a friend...even though when she decided to stay I made it very clear to her that I wouldn't accept ANY kind of contact continuing between her and him...this went on for about a month until she finally realized two things...that I was never going to give up on this and accept him as part of our lives, and that she HAD to lose one of us...

 

The main way I can apply that 'band aid' analogy is that if you DON'T end it quick, it does make the pain last much longer...but the reality is that the wound created by the affair (and the end of it) isn't band-aid material...it's like the damage done from a major trauma incident...it takes a LONG time for the pain to fade, and you may never actually lose the scars.

[zarathustra]

I can't think of any spiffy band-aid analogies to use here, but from what I've seen/learned, it seems to me that an affair really can't end slowly.

 

I've never yet seen one case where they slowly backed off, ended it and just remained friends, and it was never an issue again.

 

In my experience, it almost always has to end fast and furiously...because the addictive nature of the situation tends to keep sucking both of them back in...over and over again until finally one or the other DOES end it hard and fast.

 

Realize that almost every MM/MW involved in the affair FIGHTS LIKE CRAZY to keep the OM/OW in their lives in any way possible...almost always they want to keep that "friendship" alive even if the affair ends. Most BS's know instinctively that this never works...they almost always fight like crazy to completely sever those ties, since they know that they'll remain a threat to the safety of their marriage. And the MM/MW keeps this mantra up for a good while...until the 'withdrawl' of the affair ends, and they begin to resume some semblence of normal thinking.

 

My wife went through this as well...she INSISTED that she be allowed to keep OM as a friend...even though when she decided to stay I made it very clear to her that I wouldn't accept ANY kind of contact continuing between her and him...this went on for about a month until she finally realized two things...that I was never going to give up on this and accept him as part of our lives, and that she HAD to lose one of us...

 

The main way I can apply that 'band aid' analogy is that if you DON'T end it quick, it does make the pain last much longer...but the reality is that the wound created by the affair (and the end of it) isn't band-aid material...it's like the damage done from a major trauma incident...it takes a LONG time for the pain to fade, and you may never actually lose the scars.

You are absolutely right, Owl... that the damage done is like a major trauma incident. Do you know how long it took your wife to heal from her xMM? I hope I'm not prying.

 

I was a little girl when I was sexually abused. I was no more than 10 years old. I don't remember when it stopped or how it stopped and the memories are sketchy I my brain built in this mental block from it and it was 10 years later that I was talking to a rape victim that brought the memories flooding back. It was horrible. I only wish my mind can do another mental block from this so I never remember this pain again. But somehow, its not happening.

 

I'm a real sentimental person. I think that is why its taking me so long. I've been out of the relationship longer than I've been in it and I was hoping that the pain would last 1/2 as long.

[Owl]

Zara-

 

It depends on what you mean by "get over". In our case, she had an emotional affair...she hadn't (yet) had the opportunity for it to become physical, and I think that this has some impact on how long that recovery takes.

 

In her case, it was about a month after d-day and when the choice was made for her (by him, but she stuck with it) not to go live with him before she decided to try to recover our marriage. Up until then, she really felt like our marriage was over and that she needed to get out and live on her own before she could figure out what she really wanted. It wasn't until I finally showed her that she was going to lose me out of her life completely if she didn't make a real commitment that caused her to truly get out of her funk and do so.

 

But, it was still another month or so after that before I got her to completely end contact with OM. She waffled back and forth...that addiction was still there. She agreed to end it with him in every fashion...but still fell back into emailing/IM'ing occasionally. Again, it wasn't until I made a serious issue out of this that she finally put that to an end. She was convinced that they could still be friends...just trying to fill her 'need'.

 

There are other aspects of this I could go into...but I think you get the picture friend.

[My_Other_I]

But affairs hardly end fast. Usually they continue after the dust settles a bit. In my case we took almost as long as the affair lasted to end it - slowly, and yes, painfully. Towards the end it didn't hurt though, it felt natural and OK not to see the other person again.

[movinon05]

Addiction is the operative word here. My exMM and I were on and off (mostly on) for 7 years. When he would end it with whatever excuse, I would never contact him and I tried to get on with my life. Then one week, one month, two months, three months later, he would contact me and beg me, and I would fall for it. The last time, over a year ago, after my ultimatum, he ended contact. It took the ultimatum from me. And to be honest, I secretly wished he would not leave his W. I had had enough. I moved on and was determined to get on with my life for good and I have. A month ago, he contacted me again, after over a year. I don't know what he was thinking. That I would wait til his kids were grown and he could finally start leaving again? Or expect that I was still going to take him back? I gave him 100 chances and gave in 100 times. He struck out on 101. Sad that it took me that long, but if you want to discuss band-aids, that was the longest painful pull on a band-aid that wasted 7 years of my life. Once you take that band-aid off for good, the healing process will begin. And you can finally start to heal, but you have to do the pulling all by yourself. And leave them to lick their own wounds.

[Blind Illusion]

But affairs hardly end fast. Usually they continue after the dust settles a bit. In my case we took almost as long as the affair lasted to end it - slowly, and yes, painfully. Towards the end it didn't hurt though, it felt natural and OK not to see the other person again.

 

I guess that's what I am doing. Actually, it's exactly what I have did/am doing , although this was/is hardly an orchestrated plan. Time and the MM moving further from me seemed to do that.(which had to do with housing prices and not me, btw)

 

I went the therapy route. Twice, in fact. The first time I kind of forced my husband to go as a couple but you know how that is, when its something not willingly embraced. He went once and then I continued on my own for a few months. The MM urged me to do this with him because he thought it would make my home life less explosive. In all honesty, I never mentioned the affair, even when I went on my own.

 

The second time I went to someone else entirely strictly because of the anguish I had regarding my *situation* with the MM. Again, I went for months but the therapist told me that I was her first patient that ever came to her with the desire to improve their extramarital relationship. (as opposed to their marriage or to end the affair and deal with those feelings) I felt like she really couldn't understand completely but I have carried some things away from there so I can't say it was a total waste. I'm like that anyhow--I usually think that you always get something out of everything, even if you use it at some later point.

 

I guess I am just prodding along since then because I am too scared to completely close the door and he doesn't seem to do that either. If things have to end, I was hoping that it would be such a gradual thing, that I wouldn't have to notice (and care)

[My_Other_I]

I guess I am just prodding along since then because I am too scared to completely close the door and he doesn't seem to do that either. If things have to end, I was hoping that it would be such a gradual thing, that I wouldn't have to notice (and care)

I can relate to this completely. When we got back together I put up few fights. I thought I wanted to be with him (but reality was different, I was just scared to be alone). I went from not careing either way to fighting to get him no matter what the cost would be. Towards the end I just didn't care and his presence would actually bother and annoy me. I finally started to see what he was really about and after. It was selfish of me to prolong it to avoid my own pain, but it's over now. Better now then never.

[RealityCheck]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]After leaving a relationship of 5 years, I felt the need for some me time. I was on my own for about four months when I felt the urge to want one casual partner to feed my intimacy needs. Of course sharing a little tenderness and some laughs would be a bonus. My intention wasn’t to pursue anyone who was married by any stretch of the imagination, but then the experience presented itself. At the time, I thought a married man could fulfill the need I was seeking. We could establish an intimate relationship without the day-to-day committed responsibilities. I could have the best of both worlds, my freedom in a non-commital sense and great sex with one casual partner. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]So it began; We met online. My MM was honest right from the get go about his marital situation. He explained to me that he did not love his wife, but will never leave his marriage for “practicle” reasons. I seriously, couldn’t wrap my brain around staying for “practicle” vs “love”, but what did it matter to me, I was only there for intimacy! No big deal right? We would get together every 14 days, email each other everyday and he would call me at least three times a week. With each encounter, I felt myself getting more and more attached. This carried on for 5 months. On our last encounter, after spending an entire day together I cried! I cried because I felt as though a piece of me had walked out the door with him. It was in that moment, I knew I was falling for a man that was not within my reach. I emailed him that evening and told him, it was time for me to end involvement with him. It was killing me to type each word, but I knew, if I did not end it, I would be in for an emotional roller coaster ride of my life. He responded to my email with the most heart felt words and confessed to being in love with me and that he cryied like a baby! In fact, he admitted that he couldn’t get through my email the first time without breaking down. I must have read his email 30 times! I so badly wanted to see him again, but knew I needed to end it then or possibly never. It took every ounce of strength in me on a daily basis not to loose sight of the reality of being the “other woman”. I thought about the experience a lot! In fact, that’s all I could think about for months. I discovered how easily a person can fall in love with a married man. In those times of being with him, it was always passionate, lustfull, loving, tender and fun. In those times with him, he always made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. In those times, there was nothing but him and I. There was absolutely nothing but us! It was indeed living a dream and hanging on to a fairytale that unfortunately does not come with the forever after. It is a slow manipulation of the mind and heart because in our shared time it ALWAYS felt so damn good! Reality is, I abhored my life being dictated by his commitment to his marriage in what he referred to as staying for “practicle reasons”. I couldn’t pick-up a phone and call him just to say “I miss you today”. Our times together were always scheduled whether he could get away from his obligations to his “Wife” and that no matter how much I looked forward to his heart felt emails on a daily basis, it just wasn’t enough to feed my emotional needs. It was in knowing that I was not prepared to deny myself all the love I deserve. I am now dating, but I have to admit, I miss my MM a lot! The fantasy just does not go away because it was to good to be true. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[yesmaybe]

I am doing the slow band-aid thing now - I am dating other guys quite happily, but MM and I still talk everyday.

 

Actually, because I'm not as fixated on MM, I'm much more fun to be around...which in turn makes him want to spend more time with me. So, this affair will die a slow, amicable death.

 

I will NEVER regret the time I spent with MM (about a year so far). It was a sweet experience, and I will always look upon it and upon him fondly.

[lizad]

well, I for on have to say the slow.."friendship" thing......no good.

I just ended a 2 year A with my OM.

Lucky enough I have a great husband who knew nothing of it and with therapy, our relationship has become better than ever. Believe it or not or maybe coincidently I worked out soo many of my issues about myself and my marriage during the time i was involved with the A. I tried walking away probably once a month over the two year period... I was addicted and couldn't see past it. I let the OM sweep me up into this feeling that he was the man for me.........NOT THE CASE!

I however never told him I would leave my situation even though he has whined to me over and over how bad his marriage is and how he needs to leave....blah blah....

the last few months were so stressful and I got more unenjoyable as a whole than enjoyable. yes, when I would see him it was great but in between just so much stress......more so than my marriage ever was.

I finally got the strength to END it.

it did take a few weeks.......I think it is finally done and over. have not heard from the OM since I pretty much told him that this was not another little "break" and told him point blank that I dont want a future with him, I dont trust him, can't stand the whining, etc......

he of course asked the infamous question......"can we still be friends" I told him NO!.....i dont want to be his friend and that the A is over and I dont want to look back.....

I do think as time goes on, he will be able to move on but he didnt want this to end so obviously he is not as comfortable with this decision as I am.

I don't know what took so long for me to really realize that the few hours of feeling good are nothing compared to a long standing relationship. it was such a minimal part of my life that I risked everyday.

but I guess I needed to do that when I was really ready.

I feel so good about it, like a big weight lifted off my shoulders.....

For those who are single and wanting the MM, I guess it's a different story....and maybe the pain is harder.

I have to say that after finding and reading this forum, is when I got the strength. after reading the tales of the MM, it just amazed me how alike the stories are, including my own. All the posts about what the MM would say and do to keep the relationship going and all the lies and all, it's truly amzing b/c I think everyone thinks their situation is "different" and they are for the most part all alike.......

why do we get so swept up in them???????

well I Just wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive and sharing your stories.

To all my fellow NC's........trying to walk away.......hang in there....