I've turned the key, opened the door, and walked through. Free at last.

[serial muse]

Hey all. Just want to share something with you all at LS Coping. I don't know if it'll help anyone, but perhaps it will.

 

I'm free! I finally found the right key to turn, the one with the broken wing, the one that kept fluttering right out of reach. Hooray for peace of mind at long last.

 

Here's what happened. My ex (we broke up around 8 months ago) recently contacted me because he knew I might be moving back to his city for a job. He is now very zen and calm, wants to be friends, etc. I didn't enjoy that he seemed so profoundly over me, but at the same time, it finally made it possible to talk to him. We emailed for a week or so, him calm, me alternately sad/angry and accepting. Meanwhile, I struggled with whether I could even handle moving to where he is, watching him date others, yadda yadda.

 

Finally, I called and insisted that we talk about why, exactly, he ended it. I was never clear about that, because he gave me all sorts of conflicting reasons, and I couldn't consider being friends with him until I got why, if he had felt so strongly about me (as he said he did), he then was willing to let something so important go.

 

And in the course of that painful conversation, I finally got it.

All the reasons he had given for the breakup (we fought, I moved, he suffered from depression) - they were all red herrings. I don't think he did it consciously, but in spite of what he said, none of those had anything to do with the real reason why the relationship didn't work out.

 

Those all happened long after the real problem began. It was something I had often suspected, but he sometimes denied and sometimes alluded to and sometimes obscured. We broke up because, at a few months into the relationship, I let it slip that I was really upset that I might have to move out of town and I didn't want to break up with him. It was the first time I let him know how I felt about him, in so many words. Until then, he had eagerly chased and called me, been giddy to spend time with me, etc. etc., but from that moment on, he began a frustrating push-pull thing that lasted for the rest of the relationship.

 

Basically, from that moment on he was convinced that I felt more strongly about him than he did about me. And although he didn't want to break up with me at that point, that imbalance that he believed existed between us colored everything that came after.

 

I say he "believed" existed, because once I knew the real truth, there was a sudden, instantaneous change in my own feelings. Right in the middle of the conversation. I didn't want him anymore. Didn't really care much about being friends, one way or the other. It might be pleasant, but it wasn't anything I particularly needed. Because I suddenly understood that this thing that I thought made him so special, made our relationship so special, wasn't real. And like that, I knew I didn't love him.

 

I so didn't love him. Ha! I still liked him, he was an attractive person, but one of the things that fueled my feelings toward him was that he seemed to feel the same way about me. And that drove my confusion with the push-pull thing, and the subsequent breakup and aftermath, for months. Months! Because he was dramatic and wept over me leaving like his heart was breaking, slipped into bouts of depression, didn't want to break up, etc. etc. Naturally, I thought that indicated a pretty significant feeling.

 

I'm not saying he felt nothing. I'm sure he did. He says he did. He says, now, that he loved me - just not like I loved him. Heh. Under all that drama he reveled in, he still thought I felt more. And there I was, thinking we had this great fairytale of mutual love, and look how sad this guy is that I'm moving away. He told me his heart was breaking.

 

But nope. My great love story just turned out to be pretty mundane and predictable. Which makes me sad, yes - I mean, I really liked feeling what I had felt, and it's pretty disheartening to think it wasn't for a real person. But the sadness (and irritation) of knowing that he spent half the time worrying that I felt more, and that he didn't feel enough, is nothing compared with the relief that I hadn't actually lost anything substantial. He was just an attractive drama king who isn't a bad guy at heart but is prone to being extremely emotionally selfish. Nothing I couldn't find again, if I really wanted to. Hee hee.

 

Of course, it's embarrassing, to think how I made a fool of myself for him. Thank God my family and friends are of the highly tolerant variety. Oh well; I'd do the same for them. Hopefully I won't have to.

 

How funny, that all my own drama should go >poof< like this. I can't believe it. But I really feel like...eh. What was the big deal about him again? I can't recall. Mostly I'm just embarrassed now. But, hey - I've had my year of high drama, and wasn't it fun while it lasted?

 

Coda: Like an old habit, after I got off the phone with him, I wondered automatically about who he might date next. Used to tie me in knots. But this time, I had a thought that I've never had before.

 

"Poor girl."

 

Whew.

 

Next!

[serial muse]

Oh - and hey, for those of you who are struggling with how to break up with someone.

 

Believe me. If you don't love them, or at least not the same way you think they do, then please, please tell them the truth. It sucks to say to someone you care about and it hurts like hell to hear, but it is a clean break. It resets the relationship on new terms for them, and for you.

 

Don't draw it out by bringing in external issues, if those aren't the real reason. Let them be free, too.

 

I'd like to add that I had a relationship since my breakup, that lasted a few months. I knew shortly after I started dating him that he was more into it than me, but I thought it was my issues, my job stress, my sadness over this breakup. But after a couple of months, I knew that just wasn't it. He wasn't right for me, and I knew it. I didn't love him, and I wasn't going to. And I knew I had to tell him the truth, because I respected and liked him, and he deserved it. Still, I dreaded it.

 

But I went over to his house, and, hesitantly, told him what I felt (and didn't feel). He was amazing about it, very mature, sad but dignified. He said his first instinct was to hope, that maybe waiting out my problems would bring me back around...but then he said, no. If I really didn't love him, then there was nothing to be done about that. And he accepted it, and let it go.

 

I don't know how many people would be as awesome as that. But even so, it saves so much future pain to rip the bandaid off right away. So to anyone wondering how to do this, I'm telling you: be brave. Don't make up excuses. Just tell them the truth, and let them accept it with dignity.

 

/rant.

[In Sync]

Your message to those who want to break off a relationship with someone is really a good one. That's why so many have a hard time because of the way a relationship ends w/o sincere reasons but made up excuses. Of course your message will sadly fall on deaf ears to those who are self-centered and don't have that sensitivity chip. Or the other category of individuals who are mere cowards, and would rather stick to the vague reasons excuses rather than honesty.

 

I only hope that if I am ever the position of having to do this, that I will adhere to this and remember all breakup can be less hurtful if we are just honest. End things with dignity.

[riobikini]

Serial Muse...if only we could know those small bits of truth which bear soooo significantly as soon as they are available.

 

Congratulations to you!!!

 

-Rio

[coasting]

Congratulations serial....I only wish I could get to that stage.....Everytime I think I am about there, somethng happens, I see him, he calls...the kids call

forgetting that this is not the phone number their father is at anymore....I am sure in due time all of my questions will have answers and maybe I will find that right key!

I am so happy for you...It is always nice to hear that someone has accomplished what is right for them....

[golden]

I dunno - my ex was very truthful about why he wanted to break up: "I don't love you the way you love me. I don't love you as much as you love me." Even earlier than that, he'd said that he didn't know if he loved me, he was afraid of opening up to me and so he felt like going the other way (ie, leaving, "closing").

 

Maybe it'll be exactly what I need to remember in a year's time, but right now it's just painful. Obviously I don't feel the pain all the time, but when it hits, I always wonder what made me not lovable enough. My head tells me it's rubbish and people don't always love each other equally, but my heart can only ask why.

 

Not that I don't agree with what you said, but the truth isn't always the magic turning point for everyone - although it helps.

 

And congrats on making it through

[blind_otter]

You're one smart cookie. I shall toast you, from "The VILLE".

 

Gay goaters, national champs.