Slapshot2286 Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I feel like I have no life but my girlfriend. Is that a bad thing? I really love her and enjoy her company, but man...I NEVER go out with my friends unless its like to the gym. I rarely talk to my best friend (not saying its my gf's fault...he's kinda got his own stuff going on too), and hardly ever go out ANYWHERE. I have not been to one club/bar since I came to college (I'm a Sophomore). Like, I want to go, and my girlfriend always says she wants to go too, but its like...we just don't. We just don't do that type of thing...yet we both want to. I go to parties every weekend, but my gf is always with me. Not saying she shouldn't be allowed to come with me or go out on her own...but I talk to her on the phone at least 5 times per day, and that's in between when I see her. How do I get my life back to a happy medium?
Walk Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 You could try talking to her about this. Without using words that may be construed as blaming her for where you're at. You could set up nights/days where it's only you. (Are you living together?) Let her know that you are taking that day to spend with friends, or by yourself. Just stop calling 5 times a day. Or wean her down to 1-2 calls a day, or less. Whatever you'd feel comfortable with. Call your friends and go out. When you talk to her, let her know you're going out with friends and that you'll catch up with her later. Encourage her to have more of a life. If she has hobbies, maybe buy her stuff she needs for those, then tell her you're going to give her time to work on them. If talking doesn't work, then stand your ground. Let her know this is what you are doing, you still love her, but you're going out with buddies and you'll call her later. Stop asking her to come with you so often. Break up with her. Talk to her about a happy medium. That's all I've got right now... try talking to her first about how you feel. I'd run what your going to say through your head first before just blurting out that you want time alone. Or try it on here. Keep your words positive, don't place blame on her, and reassure her it will be better for the relationship.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted April 9, 2006 Author Posted April 9, 2006 Yeah, I'm trying not to blame it on her. I think it has to do with the fact that when it was an LDR, we called each other all the time because that was the only contact we had. Then when we got to see each other, it was 24/7. Now, its a combination of the two. I've tried to tell her I'm goin out with friends, but she gets all weird and quiet and stuff...kinda like when you're not invited to a party by your best friend or something like that. She really doesn't have any hobbies. She goes to school, talks to her friends online, and that's about it. Like I know I go to the gym (and she'll come with me on occasion), play video games sometimes, etc, etc. I have a lot of things I do, but I'm like all she does. I've told her I need more time for myself, but she takes it the wrong way. How do I tell her in a way that doesn't make her upset?
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Maybe she's depressed? That's the only reason I can think of to not have any outside interests. You've got the right idea, though....it's not just about "going out" but about having outside interests, beyond just the relationship. That's definatley unhealthy and a recipie for disaster. If you talk to her about it, make sure to make it clear that this is about you wanting the relationship to be healthy, and that it's a good thing for both of you to have fulfilling lives, and outside interests. And then, beyond that, I would just try to live my life if I were you.
Walk Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 As far as making her upset by telling her you need more space, etc... I don't think this is anything you can avoid. You can attempt to soften it as much as possible by explaining its to make the relationship healthier/stronger. But I think most have a tendency to see change as scary, and a partner needing more space usually means something bad. My suggestion would be to explain again that your doing this for the relationship, and for her. That you want her to be whole and that means having interests and hobbies outside of the relationship. That your not ending the relationship, but it will end if a comprimise can't be made. And that a relationship isn't about quantity of time together, but the quality of that time together. Come up with a plan that will be comprimise between what she wants and your wants. Ask her what she would think a good comprimise would be. Ask how she views this, and clarify any points she seems to not understand. Then take the space you need even if she is upset or scared by it. Even if she logically understands the value of this, emotionally she may still react quiet and unhappy about it. Over time she'll adjust, and it'll begin to seem normal to have more time apart, or not to do everything together. She'll be forced to get more friends/hobbies. Those are scary things to do too, and she seems to be clinging to you instead of taking the leap to do these things for herself. There's a fine line between being an ass in this, but you need to stand your ground to better your partner and your relationship. Once she realizes that this isn't a trick to leave without actually breaking up, and that you are doing this to better the relationship, then she may start to put effort in to find her own interests. But if she doesn't, keep the communication open, clarify issues you have with her actions, and let her talk about how she see's your actions or words. You may need to adjust your comprimise at points, but don't just give up. If you feel trapped, it's because your words are the only part saying you need independence within the relationship. Actions have to follow.
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